Long Goodbye

  • Season 3
  • Aired 02/29/2012
  • 14,890 Views

A man dies peacefully of old age.

- AAH!

[siren wails]

announcer: UH-OH.

WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?

ANOTHER CANDIDATE FORA 1000 WAYS TO DIE STORY...

A DRUNK DRIVER.

HE WON'T LIVE LONG WITHTHAT STEERING WHEEL IN HIS GUT.

- AAH!

announcer: OH, WELL.THAT'S LIFE.

YOU KNOW, EVERY DAYAROUND THE WORLD,

APPROXIMATELY150,000 PEOPLE DIE.

- PLEASE HELP!

announcer: IF YOU'RE NOTA COMPLETE IDIOT,

YOU WON'T WIND UPLIKE THIS BUNCH OF LOSERS

IN THIS HOSPITALE.R. ROOM.

- NURSE?

announcer: THIS PERV WILL DIEFROM A BROKEN SODA BOTTLE

LODGED UP HIS BUTT.

THIS NUMB NUT PASSED OUTDRUNK ON HIS TABLE SAW,

AND CUT HIS OWN LEG OFF.

SHE FELL OFF A LADDERWHILE HOLDING A KNIFE.

HE HAD A GAS LEAK...

[electricity zaps]

AND LIT A MATCH.

NONE OF THEM WILL MAKE ITTHROUGH THE NIGHT.

1000 WAYS TO DIEHAS A LOT OF FUN

MOCKING ALL THE DUMBASSESWHO MANAGE TO DIE...

- I'VE GONE BLIND, MABEL!

announcer: IN THE MOSTIDIOTIC OF CIRCUMSTANCES.

BUT IDEALLY, THAT'S NOTHOW WE WANNA GO,

IS IT?

- [screams]

announcer: THERE ARE MOREDIGNIFIED WAYS TO CHECK OUT

OF LIFE'S HOTEL.

THIS WOMAN,FLOATING THROUGH THE E.R. ROOM,

IS OBLIVIOUSTO THE HELL AROUND HER.

SHE'S HERE TO VISITHER FATHER, WHO'S DYING.

HE'S LED A LONGAND REWARDING LIFE,

AND WAS ALWAYS THEREFOR HIS FAMILY AND FRIENDS.

- DAD...

announcer: HIS DAUGHTERIS UNDERSTANDABLY SAD.

- ARE YOU OKAY?

- I'M FINE.

announcer: BUT SHE ALSO KNOWSIT'S HIS TIME TO GO.

IN THE END...- [screaming]

announcer:THE CHOICE IS YOURS.

- WAAH![splats]

announcer: YOU CAN BEA TOTAL MORON...

- AAH!

announcer: DIE A VICTIMOF YOUR OWN STUPIDITY,

AND WIND UP ON OUR SHOW...

- I MADE YOU!

announcer: OR LIVE A LONGAND SENSIBLE LIFE

AND GO HOME AND WATCH IT.

ALL THIS TIME, 1000 WAYS TO DIE

HAS BEENAN INSTRUCTIONAL MANUAL...

- AAH!

announcer: FOR HOW TO LIVE.

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