High Die

  • Season 3
  • Aired 08/15/2011
  • 18,317 Views

A cocky high-diver uses a closed diving platform to impress his date when a lands head-first on a floating chlorine dispenser.

announcer: HAVE YOU EVERHEARD THE EXPRESSION,

"BIG FISH IN A SMALL POND"?

- CHLORINE LEVELS ARE LOW AGAIN.

announcer: SAY HELLO TO BRANDON.

- WELL, I'LL GET SOMEBODYRIGHT ON THAT THEN.

announcer: A ONE-TIMEOLYMPIC DIVING HOPEFUL...

A FEW FAILED DRUG TESTS FOUNDHIM WASHED UP

ON THE SHORES OF THISLOCAL MUNI POOL.

- WE STILL NEED YOUTO COME TO WORK,

SO GET HERE.

announcer: HE HATED HIS JOBAS MANAGER,

HATED HIS EMPLOYEES...

BUT IT DID HAVE ONE PERK.

- CHEERS.- CHEERS.

announcer: HE GOTA LOT OF ACTION

FROM HORNY MOMS.

- AS A LIFEGUARD,WE TEND TO GET HIT ON

BY SINGLE MOMS ALL THE TIME.

IT'S KIND OF NICE.IT'S ONE OF THE PERKS.

WE TEND TO CALL 'EM "MILFs,""GILFs," "COUGS."

IF YOU'RE LOOKINGFOR THAT TYPE OF THING,

I'D CHECK OUT YOUR LOCAL POOL.

I MEAN, WHERE THE BABIESARE SWIMMING,

THERE'S GOT TO BEA MILF AROUND THERE.

announcer: BRANDON WOULDLURE DIVORCEES

AND FRUSTRATED WIVESFOR AFTER-HOURS POOL DATES.

- NO!

announcer: FIRST,HE WOULD IMPRESS THEM

WITH SOME TOTAL BS.

- I CAN'T WAITFOR THE NEXT OLYMPICS.

LONDON 2012,I AM SO THERE.

- ARE YOU?

announcer: THEN HE WOULD WOWTHEM WITH A FEW HIGH DIVES.

AND FINALLY, THE MERMANWOULD GET SOME TAIL.

TONIGHT...- HERE WE GO.

announcer: BRANDON SEEMEDMORE INTERESTED

IN SHOWING OFF THAN GETTING OFF.

- I'M GETTING COLDA LITTLE BIT.

LET'S GO INSIDE.

- ONE MORE DIVE.

announcer: A LESSON HERE, GUYS.

NEVER IGNORE THE BOOTY CALL.

BRANDON PLUMMETEDAT 32 FEET PER SECOND

AND CRASHED HEADFIRSTAT 30 MILES HER HOUR

ONTO A SKULL-CRACKINGCHLORINE FLOATER.

- WHEN HE WAS KNOCKEDUNCONSCIOUS,

THE LARYNGOSPASM REFLEXWOULD HAVE BEEN TRIGGERED

AS SOON AS WATER ENTEREDTHE AREA OF HIS VOCAL CORDS.

THIS WOULD HAVE CLOSED UPHIS AIRWAY AND PREVENTED

ANY AIR OR WATER FROMENTERING HIS LUNGS.

HOWEVER, AFTER 60 SECONDS,HIS REFLEX WOULD HAVE RELAXED

AND HE WOULD HAVE INHALED WATER.

THIS WOULD CAUSE HYPOXIA,CARDIAC ARREST,

AND DEATH WITHIN MINUTES.

announcer: BRANDON WASA BITTER ALMOST-OLYMPIAN...

- CHLORINE LEVELS ARE LOW AGAIN.

announcer: WHO SPENTHIS TIME BEING A JERK...

- GET HERE.

announcer: AND CHARMINGTHE LOCAL ACTION

OUT OF THEIR BIKINIS.

- NO!

announcer: UNTIL ONE NIGHT,HE SCORED A PERFECT 10...

IN THE DEATH DIVE.

- NO! PLEASE![cheers and applause]

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