Boris Bititoff

  • Aired 12/17/2009
  • 10,870 Views

Remember that animals are wild, and will bite.

[typewriter clicking]

[speaking Russian]

announcer: SINCE 1986,

A NUCLEAR POWER PLANTMELTDOWN

HAS MADE CHERNOBYL, RUSSIA,

THE NUMBER ONE HOT SPOTIN THE WORLD,

AS IN RADIATION.

- THE CHERNOBYL ACCIDENTPROBABLY RELEASED

ABOUT 400 TIMESMORE RADIATION

THAN WHAT HAPPENED, SAY,IN HIROSHIMA.

40 TONS OF NUCLEAR MATERIALIN THE REACTOR

IS SPEWED OUT,

AND THE IMMEDIATE AREA

BECOMES CONTAMINATEDWITH RADIOISOTOPES.

- AH!

announcer: THE ONLY PEOPLETO BE FOUND THERE ARE SOLDIERS,

AND THE ONLY SOLDIERSSTATIONED THERE

ARE TOTAL SCREW-UPS.

VLADIMIR, MIKHAIL, AND SONIA

ARE THE RUSSIAN VERSIONOF F TROOP...

AS IN F'D UP.

[speaking Russian]

announcer: THINGS WERE GETTINGHOTTER IN THE HOT ZONE.

all: [laughing]

announcer:SONIA WAS LIQUORED UP

AND READY FOR ACTION.- OOH!

announcer:BUT NOT WITH MIKHAIL.

- OOH!

- [giggling]

announcer: IT WASSURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST.

IF MIKHAILCOULDN'T HAVE SONIA,

HE'D HAVE TO FIT ITINTO SOMETHING ELSE.

SO WHEN HE SPIEDA LONELY RACCOON

ON THE EDGEOF THE FOREST,

IT WAS GAME ON.

- A MAN WHO MIGHT CONSIDERBESTIALITY

WOULD POSSIBLY ALREADY HAVETHOSE KINDS OF FANTASIES

IN A SOBER STATE OF MIND,

BUT NOW,ON TOP OF THAT,

BEING INTOXICATED,

HE'S MORE LIKELY TO HAVELESS IMPULSE CONTROL

AND TO ACT UPONTHOSE URGES AND DESIRES.

[raccoon squeaks]

announcer:THE DRUNKEN SOLDIER

RAN OFFWITH HIS COON-TANG.

- [moaning][raccoon squeaking]

announcer: BUT THINGSWERE ABOUT TO GET ROCKY

FOR THESE TWO LOVERS.

- RACCOONS AREVERY AGGRESSIVE ANIMALS.

THEY ARE TERRITORIAL.

THEY HAVE40 VERY SHARP TEETH

THAT THEY'RE GONNA USETO PROTECT THEMSELF,

AND THEY ARE COMMONLY KNOWNTO BITE.

[chomp]- [screaming]

announcer: AND BITE IT DID.

- [screaming]

announcer:IN ONE VICIOUS CHOMP,

THE PRIVATE'S PARTS

WOUND UP IN THE MOUTHOF THE RACCOON,

AND MIKHAIL'S BLOODWENT "RUSSIAN"

RIGHT OUT OF HIS BODY.

- [screams]

- IT'S NOT JUST THE BLOOD LOSSTHAT KILLS YOU,

BUT THE OTHER ASPECTSOF THAT TRAUMA.

ARRHYTHMIAS, BLOOD ACCUMULATINGAROUND THE HEART

AND SQUEEZING THE HEART,

SO THERE ARE A NUMBEROF DIFFERENT FACTORS

THAT RESULT IN DEATH.

announcer: PRIVATE MIKHAILLEARNED THE HARD WAY.

IT'S NOT NICETO SCREW MOTHER NATURE.

- [screaming]

SHE JUST MIGHT BITE BACK.

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