Neander-Fall

A Neanderthal celebrates the discovery of fire until he dies from smoke inhalation

- MEET ZOG,THE REAL ENCINO MAN.

HE'S NO DIFFERENTTHAN ANY OF US MODERN GUYS.

HE GOES OUT EVERY DAY TO TRYAND PUT FOOD ON THE TABLE.

BUT TODAY,ALL HE CAN FIND

IS A BUNCHOF SUN-BLEACHED BONES.

- [grunting]

- NEANDERTHALS WEREA SUB-SPECIES OF HOMO SAPIEN

THAT LIVED BETWEEN ABOUT 300,000AND ABOUT 28,000 YEARS AGO.

THE NEANDERTHALS ANDTHE ANATOMICALLY MODERN HUMANS

NOT ONLY INTERACTEDWITH EACH OTHER,

BUT THEY HAD SEXWITH EACH OTHER,

AND MANY HUMANSARE WALKING AROUND

WITH SOMEWHERE BETWEEN1% AND 7% NEANDERTHAL DNA

IN THEIR OWNGENETIC MAKEUP.

- MEET UBA,ZOG'S PREHISTORIC BABE.

SHE'S DEFINITELY NO DIFFERENTTHAN TODAY'S MODERN HOUSEWIFE.

SHE SITS AROUND THINKINGOF THINGS TO COMPLAIN ABOUT.

- [vocalizing]

- WHEN ZOG FINALLY COMES HOMEWITH SOME FRESHLY KILLED FOOD,

SHE LETS HIM HAVE IT.

[both grunting]

- ZOG IS SUFFERINGFROM A BAD CASE

OF HOMO ERECTUS,

BUT UBA'S HAVINGNONE OF IT.

[both grunting]

- FINALLY, UBA GOES OFFTO SPEND THE NIGHT

AT HER MOTHER'S CAVE,

LEAVING ZOGIN HIS HORNY MISERY.

- [hollering]

- HE STARTS SMASHING ROCKSIN FRUSTRATION.

- AAH! OH...

UH...AAH!

AAH! AAH!

UH...

AAH!

- AND LO AND BEHOLD,HE DISCOVERS FIRE.

- AAH! AAH!

OH...

- SOON ENOUGH,HE'S ROASTING MEAT,

AND THINKING OFALL THAT SWEET NOOKIE

UBA'S GOING TO GIVE HIMONCE SHE GETS BACK.

- OH.

- BUT ZOG NOT ONLYDISCOVERED FIRE...

- [coughing]

- HE ALSO FOUND OUTALL ABOUT SMOKE INHALATION...

THE HARD WAY.

- [coughing]

- AS THIS CAVEMAN BUILTTHIS ENORMOUS FIRE

IN THIS SMALL,ENCLOSED CAVE,

THE TOXIC FUMES FROM THE FIREDEVELOPED RAPIDLY.

AS SOON AS CARBON MONOXIDEREACHED 800 PARTS PER MILLION,

HIS LUNGS FILLED UPWITH THE CARBON MONOXIDE,

AND HIS BLOOD WAS UNABLETO CARRY OXYGEN

TO HIS VITAL ORGANS.

THIS IS WHAT KILLED HIM.

- AND SO, MY FRIENDS,THIS IS THE TRUE STORY

OF HOW FIREWAS INVENTED.

IT WAS MAN'S HORNINESSFOR WOMEN THAT DROVE HIM.

- AAH!

[coughing]

- YOU SEE, NOT MUCHHAS CHANGED AFTER ALL.

- [sobbing]

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