US Wide Open

Season 4 2:18

A McEnroe-esque tennis player with a foul temper gets the broken shaft of his wooden racquet jammed up through his perineum (taint) after he attacks a chair umpire

- COME ON!- MEET MIKE AND MATT.

- AAH!

- THEY'RE OBSESSED WITH 70sTENNIS STARS BJORN BORG...

[camera click]

AND JOHN MCENROE.

- COME ON, PANSY.

- THEY COPIEDTHEIR HEROES' HAIRSTYLES...

- AAH!

- THEIR SHORT-SHORTS...

- [grunting]

THEIR WOODEN RACKETS...- AAH!

- THEY EVEN HIREDTHEIR OWN CHAIR UMPIRE.

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE...

THEY WERE TERRIBLETENNIS PLAYERS.

BUT THAT DIDN'TSTOP THEM.

- OUT.- AAH!

- MATT CHANNELED JOHNNY MAC'SFIERY PERSONALITY...

- THAT BALL WASON THE LINE, YOU JERK.

- WHILE MIKE PLAYEDTHE COOL BORG.

- WE LOVE YOU.

- AND WHEN IT CAMETO THROWING A TANTRUM,

MATT COULD MAKEEVEN THE REAL MCENROE BLUSH.

- 15-40.

- DOES YOUR WIFE KNOWYOU'RE TRYING TO SCREW ME TOO?

- THAT'S A WARNING.- CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY?

- AAH!

- GAME.- ARGH!

- BUT THEN THE MATCH WENTFROM BEING JUST A GAME,

TO A MATTEROF LIFE...

- AAH!

I'M GONNA KILL YOU!

- AND DEATH.

girls: [screaming]

- THE RECTUM'S THE LAST 15TO 18 CENTIMETERS OF THE COLON.

IN THIS CASE, WHEN THE BROKENTENNIS RACKET

PERFORATES THISVICTIM'S RECTUM,

IT CAUSESMASSIVE BLEEDING,

AS WELL AS LEAKAGE OF STOOLINTO THE PELVIS.

THIS LEAD TO EVENTUALEXSANGUINATION AND DEATH.

- AAH!- MATT WAS NO MCENROE.

- I'M GONNA KILL YOU!

AAH!

- IN THE END, HE DIED...girls: [screaming]

- NEVER TO BEBJORN AGAIN.

[ominous music]

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