Sculpt-A-Death

  • Season 3
  • Aired 02/29/2012
  • 17,998 Views

A sculptor makes himself a lover out of marble and has sex with it, but his penis gets stuck and he dies after his attempt to extricate himself goes wrong.

announcer: FOR MOST OF US,

ART DOESN'T GO MUCH BEYONDWHAT YOU FIND IN A CENTERFOLD.

BUT WHAT IFTHAT CENTERFOLD CAME TO LIFE?

THAT'S KINDA WHAT HAPPENEDTO THIS FRUITCAKE, MARCEL.

- OH, YOU ARE NAUGHTY.

announcer:MARCEL WAS A SCULPTOR,

WHO SLAVED AWAYIN A COLD, UNHEATED STUDIO,

SACRIFICING EVERYTHING,

INCLUDING HIS MARRIAGE,FOR HIS ART.

- MARCEL!

announcer:HIS YOUNG WIFE NATALIE

WAS TIRED OF HIS NEGLECT.

- WHY ARE YOU NOTPAYING ATTENTION TO ME?

- THIS IS NOTHING!IT'S STONE!

I'M REAL!

- THIS IS REAL!

- I'M OUTTA HERE.

announcer: MARCELDIDN'T NEED A WIFE.

HE WAS CONVINCEDHIS STATUE WAS ALIVE.

AND HE WAS IN LOVE.

- AGALMATOPHILIAIS WHEN A MAN OR WOMAN

IS ATTRACTED TO A STATUE,OR DOLL, OR MANNEQUIN.

IN 1877, THERE IS A CASEOF A GARDENER

WHO WAS ATTEMPTINGTO HAVE COITUS

WITH A STATUEOF VENUS DE MILO.

- THE FINAL ACT.

announcer:MARCEL WAS SO OBSESSED,

HE HAD CHIPPED OUTA CRUDE VAGINA,

AND NOW, SHE WAS READY.

IT WAS TIMETO PUT THE PENIS TO HIS VENUS.

- AH!

announcer: MARCELDROVE HIS FLESH HAMMER

DEEP INSIDEHER MARBLE TUNNEL,

AND RODE HIS STONE-COLD LOVERTO EXHAUSTION.

WHEN HE AWOKE,

MARCEL DISCOVERED HIS GODDESSWASN'T DONE WITH HIM.

HE WAS SUFFERINGFROM A CONDITION

KNOWN AS PRIAPISM,

WHICH IS WHENAN ERECT PENIS

DOESN'T RETURNTO ITS FLACCID STATE.

HE WAS STUCK.

- AAH!

HELP!

announcer: AFTER AN HOUROF STRUGGLING,

MARCEL WASSTARTING TO PANIC.

HE NEEDED TO FREE HIMSELF

...NOW.

WITH ONE LASTHERCULEAN EFFORT,

HE POPPED THE DORK CORK,

AND TUMBLED OFF THE TABLE.

- FINALLY!

announcer: FREE AT LAST.

- [screams]

announcer: OUCH.

- THIS GUY EXPERIENCEDFLAIL CHEST,

IN WHICH AN ENTIRE SECTIONOF THE RIBCAGE

BECAME COMPLETELY DETACHED FROMTHE REST OF THE THORACIC CAVITY.

THIS RESULTEDIN MASSIVE HEMOTHORAX,

WHICH IS BLOODFILLING THE CHEST CAVITY.

IT PREVENTS THE LUNGSFROM FILLING WITH AIR,

THUS RESULTINGIN SUFFOCATION.

announcer: MARCEL'S DEMISE

OFFERS UP A LESSONFOR ALL US GUYS.

- AAH!

announcer: REAL OR NOT...

- [screams]

announcer: THEY GOT USBY THE SHORT HAIRS.

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