Snow No

Season 3 2:25

A snow hick is sharpening his maintenance tools in his garage when he passes out from carbon monoxide fumes and lands face first on spinning snow blower blades.

IT WAS MINNESOTA'S FIRSTBIG SNOWSTORM OF THE WINTER,

AND WILBUR WAS READY.

HE HAD JUST BOUGHTA BRAND-NEW SNOWBLOWER.

- [belches]

- ALL HE NEEDED TO DO WAS RUNTHE ENGINE FOR A WHILE

TO BREAK IT IN.

- THE NORTH AMERICANCONTINENT, THE UNITED STATES

AVERAGES A LITTLE OVER100 SNOWSTORMS PER YEAR.

WE AVERAGEABOUT 1,200 DEATHS PER YEAR

AFTER A MAJOR SNOWSTORM.

ACCIDENTS,DOWNED POWER LINES,

TREES COLLAPSING ROOFSON COMMERCIAL

AND RESIDENTIAL BUILDINGS.

IN SOME CASES, AVALANCHESWHERE JUST TOO MUCH SNOW

COMES CAREENINGDOWN A MOUNTAINSIDE

CAN CAUSE SOMETREMENDOUS LOSS OF LIFE.

- WILBUR SPENT ALL HIS TIMEIN THE GARAGE

PRETENDING TO TINKERWHILE POUNDING BEER AFTER BEER.

THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER WAS...- [belches]

- HE WASUSELESS AS A HANDYMAN

AND A FAMILY MAN.

- WILBUR.- WHAT?

- YOU PROMISED MEA DAY WITH THE KIDS.

- I'LL BE IN THEREWHEN I'M THERE, OKAY?

- WHILE THE SNOWBLOWERWAS AIRING OUT,

WILBUR DECIDED TO DOSOME DRUNKEN CHORES.

EVERY MAN OF THE NORTHNEEDS A SHARP AXE.

- [belches]

[trash can lid clatters]

- AT THIS POINT,WILBUR WAS FEELING

MORE THAN THE EFFECTSOF THE BEER

- [coughing]

- HIS SNOWBLOWER HAD BEENCOUGHING UP EXHAUST

FOR THE LAST TWO HOURS,

FILLING THE GARAGE UPWITH DEADLY CARBON MONOXIDE.

A WOOZY WILBUR DECIDED IT WASTHE RIGHT TIME

TO OIL THE SPINNING BLADESOF THE BLOWER.

- [belches]

[screaming]

- MMMMMAYBE NOT.

- FALLING FORWARDINTO THE BLADES

OF THE RUNNING SNOWBLOWER

CAUSED MASSIVE LACERATIONSOF HIS SCALP, FACE, AND NECK.

NOW THE MAJOR ARTERIESOF THE FACE WERE SEVERED,

CAUSING MASSIVE HEMORRHAGE.

- A DRUNK WILBURWAS PREPARING TO DO BATTLE

WITH THE HARSHMINNESOTA WINTER.

- [screaming]

- AAH!

- IT TURNED INTO A FACE-OFF.

- OH, MY GOD!- WILBUR LOST...

AND HIS FACE CAME OFF.

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