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Getting A Rise From The Dead

A mob hit goes bad; a recipe thief gets her goose cooked; a corporate spy hits the fan.

- MAKE NO MISTAKE...- YOU GOT A DRUG TEST TOMORROW.

- DEATH IS NO JOKE.- [gasps]

- EXCEPT ON THIS SHOW.- [laughing]

- WE GOT A GUY WHO TRIEDTO BEAT A DRUG TEST, AND LOST...

AND A WOMAN WHO WISHESSHE NEVER TRIED

TO MARRY A TERRORIST.[jubilant shouts]

HOW ABOUT THE ROOMMATEWHO GOT A KILLER TAN...

THE THUGS WHO GOT A BIGHEADS UP...

OR THERE'S THE FRENCH DUDEWHO LOST HIS HEAD.

AND FINALLY,FOR YOUR VIEWING PLEASURE...

- I'M GETTING OUR MANAGER.- A VERY BAD SANTA.

- AAH!- THE JOKE'S ON THEM

IN THIS NEXT EPISODE...[girls screaming]

OF 1000 WAYS TO DIE.

DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.

MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT,

OTHERS CAN'T GET OUTOF ITS WAY.

EVERY DAY, WE FIGHT A NEW WARAGAINST GERMS, TOXINS,

INJURY, ILLNESS,AND CATASTROPHE.

THERE'S A LOT OF WAYSTO WIND UP DEAD.

THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE AT ALLIS A MIRACLE.

BECAUSE EVERY DAYWE LIVE, WE FACE...

THREE HOT BABESLIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE.

THAT COULD BE A RECIPEFOR HORNY HARMONY.

OR, IF ONE OF THEMHAPPENS TO BE SHELLY,

PURE HELL.

- SHELLY, HAVE YOU SEENMY LITTLE BLACK DRESS?

- NO.

- SHELLY WAS THE KINDOF ROOMMATE WHO ACTED

AS IF EVERYTHING WAS HERS.

- WHO TOOK MY ICE CREAM?

- SHE BORROWED HERROOMIES' CLOTHES,

ATE THEIR FOOD,

AND USED THEIRBEAUTY PRODUCTS.

- SHELLY!

- SOME PEOPLE HAVEA COMPULSION

TO TOUCHOTHER PEOPLE'S BELONGINGS.

IT HAS A LOT TO DOWITH THE DOMINATION,

THE CONTROL THAT ONE WOULD HAVEOVER SOME PERSON.

IT'S ALMOST LIKEA NARCISSISTIC LEVEL,

WHERE THEY BELIEVE THATTHINGS ARE DUE THEM.

THAT "I HAVE AS MUCH RIGHTTO THEM

AS THE PERSON THAT OWNS THEM."

- ONE OF HER ROOMMATESRECENTLY BOUGHT A TANNING BED.

NO ONE WAS SUPPOSEDTO GO NEAR IT.

SHELLY PRACTICALLYLIVED IN IT.

ON THIS DAY, SHE FELL ASLEEPWHILE TANNING,

AND GOT MORE THANSHE BARGAINED FOR.

JUST A BAD SUNBURN,SHE THOUGHT.

- OH...

- SHE POPPED SOMEOF HER ROOMIE'S PAIN-KILLERS

TO SLEEP IT OFF.

THE NEXT MORNING,SHELLY NEEDED A SPATULA

TO GET OUT OF BED.

TURNS OUT WHAT SHE THOUGHTWAS MOISTURIZER...

- SHELLY, HAVE YOU SEENMY CREAM?

- WAS HER ROOMMATE'SPSORIOSIS MEDICATION.

IT CONTAINED PSORALEN,

A CHEMICAL THAT MAKES SKINHIGHLY SENSITIVE

TO LIGHT AND HEAT.

WHILE KNOCKED OUTON PAIN-KILLERS,

THE PSORALEN TURNEDHER TANNING-BED SUNBURN

INTO SECOND-DEGREE BURNSACROSS HER ENTIRE BODY.

- SHELLY, DID YOU TAKEMY PAIN-KILLERS?

AAH!

- SHE COLLAPSEDINTO HER ROOMMATE'S ARMS,

DEAD FROM HEART FAILURE.

- [crying out]

- THE FACT THAT SHE USEDTHIS PSORALEN-BASED PRODUCT

OVER HER ENTIRE BODY,

WHICH THEN WAS ACCELERATEDBY THE UV LIGHT,

RESULTED INSECOND-DEGREE BURNS

OVER THE MAJORITY--ALMOST 100%--OF HER TORSO.

BY THE TIME SHE WOKE UP,SHE HAD SIGNIFICANT DEHYDRATION,

AND WITHIN MINUTES,SHE DIED OF HYPOVOLEMIC

AND CARDIOGENIC SHOCK.

- SHELLY WAS A DEADBEATWHO BORROWED, USED,

AND ATE HER FRIENDSOUT OF HOUSE AND HOME.

- WHO TOOK MY ICE CREAM?

- IT'S FITTING THATTHE ROOMMATE FROM HELL

WOUND UP BURNTTO A CRISP.

- AAH!

[crying out]

[middle eastern music]

- TANYA USED TO BEAN AWARD-WINNING JOURNALIST

WORKING THE MOST DANGEROUSPLACES IN THE MIDDLE EAST.

BUT SHE LOST HERPERSPECTIVE.

SHE DENOUNCED THE U.S.,BECAME A MUSLIM.

AND NOW,TO SEAL THE DEAL...

- MY WIFE.[jubilant shouts]

- SHE'S ABOUT TO MARRYA TALIBAN TERRORIST.

- MOST OF THE PEOPLETHAT ARE RECRUITED

INTO TERRORISTORGANIZATIONS

ARE INDIVIDUALSWHO FEEL UNDERVALUED.

AND THEY'RE EASILY ENTICEDINTO GOING INTO ANOTHER WORLD,

WHERE THEY CANNOT ONLY EXCEL,

BUT BE PART OF SOMETHINGTHAT'S LARGER THAN LIFE.

WHICH WOULD YOU RATHER BE,A BUS DRIVER

OR A SUPER-TERRORIST?

- A TERRORIST WEDDING ISA SIMPLE AFFAIR,

FOR THE MOST PART.

A LOT OF BEARDED MENAND OVERLY CLOTHED WOMEN

SHOUTING AND FIRING OFFTHEIR CUTE LITTLE NOISEMAKERS.

[gunfire]

HAVING BEEN A SPOILEDAND PAMPERED INFIDEL,

TANYA WASN'T USED TO HANDLINGANYTHING AS HEFTY

AS AN AK-47.

[all shouting]

BUT SHE WANTED TO SHOWSHE COULD TALIBAN

AS HARD AS EVERYONE ELSE.

all: SHOOT! SHOOT! SHOOT!

[all cheering]

[panicked shouts]

- SHE SHOULD HAVE STUCKWITH HER LAPTOP.

ONE OF THE ROUNDSBOUNCED OFF A METAL PITCHER,

AND DIDN'T STOP UNTILIT BANGED AROUND HER SKULL,

TURNING HER BRAININTO MUSH.

- WITH THE VELOCITYTHAT IT HAD,

IT WAS ABLE TO ENTERTHE CRANIAL CAVITY,

BUT DID NOT SUSTAINENOUGH VELOCITY TO EXIT.

WHAT ENDS UP HAPPENING ISIT BOUNCES OFF

EACH SIDE OF THE CRANIUM,

LIKE A BALLIN A PINBALL MACHINE.

THE RESULTING DEATHWOULD BE FROM

MASSIVE INTERNAL HEMORRHAGE.

- TANYA WAS JUST ANOTHERBLEEDING HEART

WHO WENT NATIVE.- MY WIFE.

- SHE THOUGHT SHE WASGOING TO HELP

OVERTHROW THE U.S.

IN THE END, SHE DID HER COUNTRYA HUGE FAVOR...

BY DYING.

COMING UP,TWO MILITIA MEN

GET A SPECIAL DELIVERY,

AND A MAFIOSO GETS TRASHED.- AAH!

- THE U.N. ESTIMATESTHAT AT LEAST 50%

OF ALL RELIEF SUPPLIESIN AFRICA

NEVER REACHTHEIR INTENDED DESTINATIONS.

[gunfire]

IF THAT'S TRUE, IT'S BECAUSEOF HEARTLESS BASTARDS,

LIKE THESE TWO.

AHMED AND ALI ARE MEMBERSOF A ROGUE MILITIA GROUP

IN DARFUR.

THEY SPEND THEIR DAYSTERRORIZING THE WEAK AND HUNGRY.

- WE DROP RELIEF SUPPLIESFROM AIRPLANES

FOR A COUPLE OF REASONS.

ONE IS THATIT'S TOO DANGEROUS

TO PUT AID WORKERSIN HARM'S WAY.

AND THE THE SECOND ISTHE TERRAIN DOESN'T ALLOW US

TO GET IN WITH LARGE TRUCKS.

FIRST PEOPLE TO GETTO THE CONTAINERS

ARE THESE MILITIA GROUPS,

AND SO THERE'S A TENDENCYTO DROP MORE THAN IS NECESSARY

TO HELP ASSURE THATSOME OF THE SUPPLIES

REACH THE POPULATIONTHEY'RE INTENDED TO.

- SINCE 2003, OVER 300,000HAVE DIED IN DARFUR

FROM STARVATIONOR VIOLENCE.

[gunfire]

AHMED AND ALI WOULD ALWAYSCELEBRATE THEIR ACTS OF CRUELTY

BY GETTING FILTHY DRUNK.

WOULDN'T IT BE GREATIF PEOPLE THIS EVIL

GOT WHAT'S COMING TO THEM?

[aircraft overhead]HOLD ON. WHAT'S THAT SOUND?

- [speaking native language]

- SAY HELLO TO TWO TONSOF INSTANT KARMA.

A RELIEF CONTAINER CHUTEDIDN'T OPEN,

AND THE COSMIC UNIVERSEDISPLAYED PERFECT AIM...

BY DROPPING ITON THEIR HEADS.

- THEY'RE STANDING THERECASUALLY,

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,OUT OF THE SKY COMES

THIS TWO-TON,4,000-POUND BOX.

FIRST, IT'S GONNA HIT YOUIN THE HEAD...

DRIVE YOUR SKULL DOWNINTO YOUR CERVICAL SPINE,

BREAK YOUR NECK,CRUSH YOUR HEART AND YOUR LUNGS.

WITH BROKEN BONES ALL OVER,A RAG DOLL, LIMP AND DEAD.

- CAUSE OF DEATH...TAKE YOUR PICK.

IT AHMED AND ALI WERE ALLOWEDTO LOOK INTO THE FUTURE

AND SEE HOW THEIR LIVESWOULD END...

THEY'D BE CRUSHED.

LOOK UP AT ANY CITY SKYLINE,

AND YOU CAN BE SUREOF ONE THING--

SOMEBODY MANNING A CRANEHELPED BUILD IT.

RAMON HAD THE SKILLSTO PAY THE BILLS.

BUT HE WAS A BIGCRANE OPERATOR

WITH A BIG SECRET.

PERUVIAN MARCHING POWDERGOT HIM THROUGH

HIS LONG AND HARDWORK DAYS.

EVERYTHING WAS GOING FINE UNTILHIS FOREMAN DROPPED A BOMB.

- RAMON.- WHAT?

- YOU GOT A DRUG TESTTOMORROW.

- THIS WAS NO SIMPLEURINE TEST.

CRANE OPERATORSHAVE TO UNDERGO

A FULL BLOOD ANALYSIS.

BUT RAMON HAD AN ACEUP HIS SLEEVE.

- RAMON!- WHAT?

- HIS GIRLFRIEND WAS A COOKAT A HOSPITAL.

- I'VE GOT EVERYTHING YOU NEED.I'VE GOT THE BLOOD,

I'VE GOT THE NEEDLES.

- SHE WAS ABLE TO SNEAK OUTA BAG OF BLOOD--

THE SAME BLOOD TYPEAS HIS.

HIS PLAN...BRING THE BLOOD TO WORK,

AND RIGHT BEFORE THE TEST,

RUN THE CLEAN BLOODINTO HIS BODY.

- OH, HEY.

DON'T FORGET THAT DRUG TESTTHIS AFTERNOON.

- OH, YEAH, YEAH.

I'M READY TO DONATEALL DAY.

- IN THIS SITUATION,THIS INDIVIDUAL BELIEVED

THAT HE COULD CHEATTHE BLOOD TEST

BY DILUTING OUTTHE COCAINE SAMPLE,

WHICH IS FOOLISH.

IT'S NOT--IT'S NOT POSSIBLE.

- AS PLANS GO, THIS ONEHAD MORE HOLES IN IT

THAN A JUNKIE'S ARM.

- SUCKERS.

- FOR EXAMPLE,HIS GIRLFRIEND WARNED HIM--

- IT CAN'T BE COLD.- I GET IT.

- OR ELSE YOU COULD DIE,OKAY?

- BUT RAMON WAS TOO HIGHTO LISTEN.

HE FED THE COLD BLOODINTO HIS VEIN,

AND AS SOON AS IT HITHIS HEART...

HE WAS LIGHTS OUT.

- IF BLOOD KEPTAT 38 DEGREES

IS TRANSFUSEDINTO THE BODY,

THIS COULD HAVE A SERIOUSSIDE EFFECT,

ESPECIALLY ON THE HEART.

IT CAN AFFECT THE NATURALPACEMAKER OF THE HEART,

LEADING THE HEART TO HAVEIRREGULAR HEARTBEATS,

WHICH COULD THEN LEADTO VENTRICULAR FIBRILLATION

AND VENTRICULAR TACHYCARDIA,WHICH ARE DEADLY.

- EVEN CRANE OPERATORSNEED A LIFT.

RAMON JUST USEDTHE WRONG SUBSTANCE...

HAD THE WRONG PLANTO BEAT THE TEST.

- SUCKERS.

- THE ONLY THINGHE GOT RIGHT...

DYING.

GET A LOADOF THIS UGLY MUG.

HIS NAME IS CARMINE.

HE'S A WISE GUY WHO TOOK A FALLFOR THE DON,

SO HE'S BEEN SERVINGA TWO-YEAR SENTENCE

FOR ASSAULT AND BATTERY.

- WE FIND THAT YOU ARESUFFICIENTLY REHABILITATED

TO GO OUTON A WORK-RELEASE PROGRAM.

- CARMINE HAD CONVINCEDEVERYONE

HE WAS READYTO CLEAN UP HIS ACT.

SO THE DON CALLED INA FAVOR

AND GOT CARMINE A JOBCLEANING UP THE STREETS.

BUT CARMINE HAD NO INTENTIONOF GETTING HIS HANDS DIRTY.

- HEY, THIS IS HOWIT'S GONNA BE.

YOU'RE GONNA DRIVE THE TRUCK.

YOU'RE GONNA TAKE OUTTHE TRASH.

AND ME,I'M GONNA SUPERVISE.

- YEAH, RIGHT.

- WHEN THE PROBATION OFFICERGO OUT

TO CHECK ON A DEFENDANT,

AND IF THE DEFENDANTIS NOT DOING HIS JOB,

THEN HE CAN GET VIOLATEDAND RETURNED BACK TO COURT.

THEY CAN GET THEMSELVESRIGHT BACK INTO SQUARE ONE,

WHICH MEANS PRISON.

- ARE YOU GONNA HELP MEWITH THIS ONE?

- NOPE.

- CARMINE DID A LOT OF... SUPERVISING.

BUT HE WAS QUICK TO SINGA DIFFERENT TUNE

AROUND HIS PROBATIONOFFICER.

- THINGS HAVE BEEN GREATFOR THE LAST TWO WEEKS.

LET ME SHOW YOUWHAT I'VE BEEN DOING.

- AS HE WAS SHOWING OFF

HOW HARD HE WORKED,

CARMINE'S CO-WORKERWAS TALKING.

CARMINE MIGHT HAVE BEENA WISE GUY,

BUT HE WASN'T TOO SMART.

PERHAPS IF HE HADACTUALLY DONE

SOME OF THE HARD LABOR,

CARMINE WOULD HAVE KNOWNHOW TO LOCK

THE DUMPSTER'S WHEELSIN PLACE.

- AAH!

[Carmine groaning]

- HEY...BADA BING, BADA BOOM.

- THIS DUMPSTER WEIGHED500 POUNDS.

IT HAD 300 POUNDSOF GARBAGE INSIDE IT.

IT WAS TRAVELING ATOVER 15 MILES PER HOUR.

THIS IS MORE THAN12,000 UNITS OF FORCE.

WHEN THE SHARP SECTIONON THE DUMPSTER

HIT THIS MAN'S MIDRIFF,IT CAUSED THE GUT TO RUPTURE.

AND ALL THE CONTENTS WOULDJUST GET EXTRUDED OUT.

AND HE EFFECTIVELY EXPLODEDTO DEATH.

- CARMINE MADE PAROLE,

AND WENT BACKTO HIS BAD BEHAVIOR.

HE HAD NO INTENTIONOF TAKING OUT THE TRASH,

SO THE TRASH...

- AAH!

- TOOK HIM OUT!

UP NEXT,THE FRENCH HAVE ALWAYS BEEN...

A LITTLE LIGHTHEADED.

AND YOU STILL THINKSANTA'S REAL?

- YOU'RE FIRED, OKAY?- OH!

- YOU'RE NOT GONNABELIEVE THIS.

- AAH!

- NATHANIEL IS A MANON A MISSION.

THE YEAR IS 1925.

THE LOCATION,A PARIS PRISON.

NATHANIEL IS DETERMINEDTO ABOLISH

ONE OF HISTORY'S MOST NOTORIOUSMETHODS OF EXECUTION...

[speaking French]

THE GUILLOTINE.

DON'T WASTE YOUR PITYON THIS GUY.

IF NICHOLAS WAS GUILTYOF ONLY HALF

THE MURDERS AND RAPESHE'S ACCUSED OF,

HE WOULD STILL DESERVETO DIE.

- THE GUILLOTINE WAS INVENTEDIN 1792,

AND REPLACED THE AXE ASA MORE HUMANE FORM OF EXECUTION.

THE HEAVY, ANGLED BLADESLICED THROUGH THE VICTIM'S NECK

QUICKLY AND CLEANLY.

GUILLOTINE EXECUTIONSWERE COMMON IN FRANCE

FOR OVER THREE CENTURIES,

WITH THE LAST ONETAKING PLACE IN 1977.

- NATHANIEL HAS GOTTENPERMISSION

FROM PRISON OFFICIALSAND FROM NICHOLAS

TO STUDY HIS HEAD,RIGHT AFTER BEING SEVERED.

NATHANIEL BELIEVES,AS MANY DO,

THAT THE BRAINRETAINS CONSCIOUSNESS

FOR SEVERAL SECONDS AFTERTHE BLADE DOES ITS DIRTY WORK.

IF THIS WAS TRUE,THE ARGUMENT COULD BE MADE

THAT DEATH BY GUILLOTINEWAS INHUMANE.

THE BIG MOMENT CAME.

NATHANIEL STARED INTO THE EYESOF THE SEVERED HEAD.

- SCIENTISTS HAVE BEEN DEBATINGTHIS QUESTION FOR YEARS.

THE LACK OF BRAIN TRAUMABY GUILLOTINE MEANS

THERE IS THE POSSIBILITYTHAT THEY MAY BE ABLE TO SEE,

HEAR, OR EVEN SENSE,EVEN UP TO A MINUTE.

THERE IS STILL BLOODIN THE BRAIN.

THERE'S STILL OXYGEN.

AND HE COULD BE CONSCIOUSUNTIL HE DIED

FROM LACK OF OXYGEN.

- NICHOLAS. NICHOLAS!NICHOLAS!

NICHOLAS!

- WHATEVER NATHANIEL WASHOPING TO FIND WASN'T THERE.

JUST SOME INVOLUNTARYTWITCHING.

WE'VE GONE BACK AND LOOKEDAT EXECUTIONS AND TORTURES

THROUGHOUT THE AGES.

BUT OUT OF ALL OF THEM,THE GUILLOTINE WILL KILL YOU...

IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE.

'TWAS THREE WEEKSBEFORE CHRISTMAS,

AND RIGHT OUTSIDETHE MALL,

NOT A CREATURE WAS STIRRING,

EXCEPT TWO HOT ELVES,AND A STONER SANTA NAMED PAUL.

- YOU WANT?- NO.

- TRY THIS. THIS IS GOOD STUFF.- NO, THANKS.

- THERE WERE NO CUTE CHILDRENTO SIT AND TO POSE.

THEIR PARENTS WEREALL BROKE,

THEIR HOMES ALL FORECLOSED.

THIS WAS NO ST. NICK,BUT HE SURE LIKED HIS HOS.

HE FELT UP THE ELVES...

- LOVE THAT OUTFITOF YOURS, BABY.

- TILL THEY SLAPPED HIMAND SAID...

- IF YOU LAY ONE MORE OF YOURFILTHY FINGERS ON HER,

I'M GETTING OUR MANAGER.

- A BEGINNING SANTA CAN MAKEUP TO 100 BUCKS AN HOUR,

WHEREAS A VETERAN SANTACAN MAKE UP TO

175 TO 200 BUCKS AN HOUR.

IF SANTA WORKS 40 HOURS A WEEKDURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON,

HE CAN BRING IN UP TO $10,000IN HOLIDAY WAGES.

- ON REEFER, ON SPLEEF,ON BLUNTY, ON BONE,

[laughing maniacally]

THIS SANTA WAS A JUNKIE...- MMM.

- ALL HE DID WAS GET STONED.

THE MALL MANAGER GOTFLUSTERED,

AND LET OUT A BIG CRY.

- YOU'RE FIRED, OKAY?

- OH, COME ON!- GET OUT OF HERE!

GET OUT OF HERE!- AND SANTA GOT BUSTED

FOR BEING SO HIGH.

- WHAT'S GOING ON?HEY!

- THIS RAT-BEARDED STONER

FINALLY LOOKEDTO THE SKY,

AND TOOK A LARGE ICICLE...

- AAH!- [gasps]

- RIGHT IN THE EYE.[both screaming]

- THE KEY TO AN ICICLEIS THE FACT THAT

WHEN WATER RE-FREEZES,IT RELEASES HEAT.

AS THE WATER DRIPS DOWNTHAT ICICLE,

THE RELEASED HEAD ACTUALLYFORMS LIKE A BLANKET.

THE TOP OF THE ICICLEFORMS SLOWLY.

THE TIP OF THE ICICLEFORMS RAPIDLY.

ICICLES COULD GROWAS BIG AS 100 FEET.

SHOULD THOSE ICICLES BREAK,YOU'RE TALKING

INCREDIBLY DANGEROUSSITUATIONS FOR PEDESTRIANS,

PEOPLE DRIVING IN CARSBELOW.

OF COURSE, THERE HAVE BEENSITUATIONS

WHERE PEOPLE HAVE ACTUALLYBEEN KILLED

BY ICICLES FALLINGFROM BUILDINGS,

AND FROM DIFFERENTLOCATIONS.

- THIS SANTA WAS A LOSER,NO DOUBT ABOUT THAT.

- LOVE THAT OUTFITOF YOURS, BABY.

- MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL...

- YOU'RE FIRED. GET OUT OF HERE!- OH, COME ON!

- AND THANK GODHE GOT WHACKED.

- AAH!

[both screaming]

Captioning by CaptionMaxwww.captionmax.com

- ♪ IT'S ORIGINAL

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