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Stupid is as Stupid Dies

A meth maker loses face; a sorority girl swallows too much; a half-naked football fan gets freeze framed.

announcer: A CUTE COEDTURNS INTO A MUDDER SUCKER.

- [screams]

announcer: AND...

A SURVIVALISTWHO COULDN'T SURVIVE.

announcer: IT'S HAZING WEEKAT ETA PI SORORITY.

HARRIET WAS IN CHARGEOF THE NEW PLEDGES.

- ASSUME THE POSITION.

I SAID BEND OVER! YAH!

announcer:TOO BAD FOR THEM,

SHE'S THE DAUGHTEROF A MARINE DRILL INSTRUCTOR.

NOW AFTER SURVIVINGA WEEK OF ABUSE,

THE PLEDGES PREPAREDFOR THEIR FINAL HUMILIATION.

ETA PI'S ANNUALMUD WRESTLING MATCH.

THE PLEDGES MADE A MUD PIT.

- HEY, PLEDGE.

announcer: AND HARRIET WAS READYTO GET DOWN AND DIRTY.

- GIVE ME THAT.- AH AH.

announcer: BUT ONE PLEDGEHAD SOME FIGHT IN HER.

- AH.- NO. AH!

I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!

announcer: HARRIET DIDN'T LIKEBEING CHALLENGED

AND THE HAZING GOT UGLY.

- YOU WANT TO WRESTLE?

- THERE ARE WAYS TO CHEATDURING MUD WRESTLING.

FOR ME, EXPOSING MY OPPONENTS'BREASTS WILL DEFINITELY HELP ME

GAIN ADVANTAGE.

MY OPPONENTWILL LET GO OF ME,

TRY AND COVER THEMSELVES UP,

AND THATWILL GIVE ME ADVANTAGE

TO GRAB THEM AND GET THEMIN THE SUBMISSION HOLD.

THAT I WANT THEM IN.

announcer: THE NEW GIRLDID HER BEST...

- OH, MY GOD.COME HERE.

announcer: BUT HARRIETWAS SOON ON TOP

AND SHE WAS GOING TO MAKETHIS SLIMY UPSTART

SWALLOW HER PRIDE.

- EAT IT. EAT IT.EAT IT.

announcer: JUST AS THE PLEDGEWAS READY TO BLACK OUT,

THE OTHER TERRIFIED GIRLSPULLED HER AWAY.

- GO CRY, LITTLE GIRLS.

announcer: THE QUEEN BITCHSTRUTTED TO THE CENTER

OF THE PIT...

- I'M THE QUEEN.YOU SUCK. WHOA. OH OH. AH.

OH, NO. OH, NO![screams]

announcer: AND SANKINTO THE QUAGMIRE.

- SHUT UP.

announcer: HARRIET'S ETA PISORORITY SISTERS

HAD UNWITTINGLY BUILTTHEIR WRESTLING PIT

OVER AN UNDERGROUNDSINKHOLE.

- THAT SPOT MUST'VE BEEN LOCATEDRIGHT OVER A PREEXISTING CAVERN

WITH A VERY THIN ROOF.

OVER TIME,THE WATER WOULD ADD WEIGHT.

IT WOULD SOFTEN THE ROCK.

AND FINALLY, THE ROOFOF THE SINKHOLE

WOULD'VE COLLAPSED.

SHE WOULD'VE BEEN BURIEDBY TONS OF MUD.

AND THAT WOULD'VE PRESSED INON HER CHEST.

EVENTUALLY,SHE WOULD'VE SUFFOCATED.

- BEND OVER!

announcer: HARRIET ENJOYEDMAKING HER PLEDGES' LIVES

A LIVING HELL.

- I HATE YOU!

announcer: UNTIL HELL DECIDEDTO SWALLOW HER WHOLE.

announcer: PETER WAS ABOUTTO HAVE THE DAY OF HIS LIFE.

THE ONLY PROBLEM,

IT WOULD END WITH THE ENDOF HIS LIFE.

- HEY, BABY.

announcer: IT STARTED OFFWITH HIS LONG-TIME GIRLFRIEND,

BRIANNA.

- THANK YOU.

announcer:SHE WAS THE NURTURING TYPE.

- YOU'RE SO SWEET.- I KNOW.

announcer: SHE WOULD FILLHIS FRIDGE

AND THEN PETER WOULD FILLBRIANNA.

AFTER BRIANNA,HE GOT A BIG SURPRISE.

- HEY, YOU STILL THERE,BIG GUY?

announcer: PETER'S PETERWAS STILL STIFF

AS A PARKING METER.

WHAT BRIANNA DIDN'T KNOW,PETE WAS A DIRTY DOG CHEATER.

HE BROUGHT IN HIS BACKUP BABES.

- MM. LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE READYFOR ME.

- OH, YEAH.

announcer: FIRST LUKASHA,THEN DESIREE.

LITTLE PETER WAS DOING FINE,BUT BIG PETE WAS NOT.

FINALLY, AFTER A COUPLEOF MORE THRUSTS,

THE STUD WENT THUD.

AFTER CLOSE EXAMINATION,

OUR 1000 WAYS INVESTIGATORSPIECED TOGETHER

PETER'S DEATH PUZZLE.

EARLIER IN THE DAY,

PETER WAS UNPACKING BRIANNA'SGROCERIES.

- AH! AH!- WHAT HAPPENED?

- WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

announcer: THAT WAS A NASTYLITTLE CREATURE

CALLED A WANDERING SPIDER.

- THE WANDERING SPIDERIS FOUND

THROUGHOUT SOUTH AMERICAAND CENTRAL AMERICA.

OCCASIONALLY IT WANDERSINTO BANANAS

AND THOSE BANANAS GET SHIPPEDTO THE UNITED STATES.

- AH! AH!- WHAT HAPPENED?

announcer: THE WANDERINGSPIDER'S VENOM WILL KILL A HUMAN

IN ANYWHERE FROM 2-12 HOURS.

- THE NEUROTOXIN OF THE SPIDER,WHICH IS IN THE VENOM

STARTED SPREADING REALLY FAST.

AS A RESULT,

THIS NEUROTOXIN WAS ABLETO GET TO CRITICAL ORGANS

QUITE QUICKLY.

AND, ULTIMATELY,PETER'S BODY SHUT DOWN.

AND HE DIED OF COMPLETEHEMODYNAMIC

AND CARDIOVASCULAR COLLAPSE.

announcer: BUT THE WANDERINGSPIDER GIVES A GIFT

BEFORE IT TAKES A LIFE.

A ROCK-HARD,PERMANENT ERECTION.

ITS TOXIC VENOMRELEASES NITRIC OXIDE,

WHICH CAUSES ARTERIESAND VEINS TO DILATE,

SENDING A RUSH OF BONER BLOODTO THE PENIS.

- YOU'RE AWESOME.- YEAH.

announcer: PETE WAS A CHEATWHO THOUGHT IT WAS NEAT

TO BANG THREE GIRLSIN ONE DAY.

ALONG CAME A SPIDER.- AH!

announcer:AND WHILE HE WAS INSIDE HER,

A HEART ATTACKBLEW PETER AWAY.

- IT IS GONNA BEA FUN ONE TONIGHT!

announcer: DO YOU EVER GETTHE URGE TO GET STUPID DRUNK...

- YEAH!

announcer: PAINT YOURSELFIN YOUR TEAM'S COLORS

AND SIT HALF NAKEDIN SUBZERO WEATHER

AT A FOOTBALL GAME?

- YOU SUCK!

announcer: ONLY AN IDIOTWOULD DO SUCH A THING.

MEET GEORGE.

- OPEN YOUR EYES!

announcer: GEORGE WAS WHATYOU WOULD CALL A SUPER FAN.

- YES!

announcer: HE WOULD SHOW UPHOURS BEFORE KICKOFF

AND GET SUPER DRUNK.

- GIVE ME A HOT DOG!

announcer: AND SCARE OFF ANYONEWHO WALKED BY.

- COME ON. ZZZ!

- THERE'S REALLY TWO KINDSOF FOOTBALL FANATICS OUT THERE.

THERE'S THE CLASSY,RESPECTFUL FOOTBALL FANATIC

AND THEN THERE'S THE MORON.

- WHOO! HIGH FIVE!

- YOU WONDER "WHO IS HE ACTUALLYGOING HOME TO TONIGHT?"

- CROSS THE LEVY.

- THOSE ARE THE KIND OF FANATICSTHAT GIVE US A BAD NAME.

announcer: WITH AN ARCTIC COLDFRONT MOVING IN,

TODAY'S GAME WAS GOINGFROM THE FRIDGE TO THE FREEZER.

- WHOO!

announcer: GEORGE WAS FLIRTINGWITH A CONDITION

CALLED HYPOTHERMIA.

- HYPOTHERMIA IS DIVIDEDINTO THREE STAGES.

THERE'S MILD, MODERATE,AND SEVERE.

THE MILD STAGE IS WHEN YOUR COREBODY TEMPERATURE DROPS

TO BETWEEN 95 AND 93 DEGREESFAHRENHEIT.

YOU'LL START TO SHIVER,

THE SKIN WILL STARTTO TURN PALE,

AND YOU MIGHT HAVE A LITTLE BITOF CONFUSION.

[cheers]

announcer: GEORGE JUST THOUGHTHE HAD A GOOD BUZZ GOING.

HE HAD NO IDEAHE WAS SLOWLY TURNING

INTO A FROZEN SLAB OF MEAT.

- MODERATE HYPOTHERMIA OCCURS

WHEN YOUR COREBODY TEMPERATURE DROPS

BETWEEN 93 AND 86 DEGREESFAHRENHEIT.

YOUR SHIVERINGIS QUITE VIOLENT.

YOUR MUSCLES BECOME DIFFICULTTO COORDINATE.

[cheers]

announcer:BY THE TIME GEORGE REALIZED

SOMETHING WAS WRONG,

HE HAD LOST THE ABILITYTO COMMUNICATE.

- [mumbling]

announcer: NO ONE AROUND HIMTOOK ANY NOTICE.

- UGH.

announcer: HE JUST SEEMEDLIKE THE OBNOXIOUS DRUNK

HE ALWAYS WAS.

[cheers]

BEING PAINTED BLUE,

THE FANS AROUND HIMDIDN'T NOTICE

THAT HE WAS ACTUALLYTURNING BLUE

WITH HIS CORE TEMPERATUREDROPPING BELOW 88 DEGREES.

SUFFERING FROM SEVEREHYPOTHERMIA,

HIS MAJOR ORGANS SEIZED UP

AND HE FLESH SLOWLY FROZE.

- IN SEVERE HYPOTHERMIA,

YOUR CORE BODY TEMPERATURES

DROP TO BELOW 86 DEGREESFAHRENHEIT.

YOU SUFFER MULTIPLEORGAN FAILURE.

WHAT KILLS YOUIS CARDIAC ARREST

OR CARDIAC FIBRILLATION.

announcer: THERE'S NOTHING WRONGWITH ROOTING FOR THE HOME TEAM.

- GO BLUE!

announcer: BUT WHEN FANTURNS TO FANATIC...

- YOU SUCK!

announcer:THAT'S WHEN TROUBLE BEGINS.

GEORGE WENT FROM SUPER,TO STUPOR, TO STIFF.

NOW HE'S DEAD,NOW HE'S DEAD, REAL DEAD.

[whistle blows]

announcer: THERE'S REALLYNOTHING WORSE

THAN A BUNCH OF SNOTTY,SUBURBAN KIDS

WITH A LOT MORE MONEYTHAN BRAINS.

- GET IN, BOY!LET'S DO THIS!

announcer: AND THIS GANGOF INTELLECTUALLY CHALLENGED

TWENTY-SOMETHINGSDRAINED THEIR TRUST FUNDS

ON FASHION ACCESSORIESAND MUSCLE CARS.

THEIR IDEA OF A GOOD TIME

WAS TO PLAY AT BEING FASTAND FURIOUS.

MIKE AND JADE SAW THEMSELVESAS THE SID AND NANCY

OF THE GROUP.

A COUPLE OF SEX PISTOLSWHO DIDN'T HAVE AN ORIFICE

THAT WASN'T PIERCED

AND DIDN'T KNOW A LINE

THEY WOULDN'T CROSS.

TODAY, JADE WAS TAKINGHER NEW TONGUE PIERCING OUT

FOR A JOY RIDE.

- A SLAVE RING IS SOMETHINGLIKE WHAT I'M WEARING HERE

WHERE A BARBELLIS CONNECTED TO THE BEAD

THAT CLOSES THE RING.

THE SLAVE MASTER WOULD ATTACHA LEASH OR A CHAIN

TO LEAD THEIR SLAVE AROUND.

announcer: THEY THOUGHTTHEY'D CHRISTEN

THE NEW PIERCING WITH A STUNTTHEY CALLED THE KISS OF DEATH.

THE TWO LOVERS REMAINEDLIP LOCKED

UNTIL THE LAST POSSIBLE MOMENTWHEN THE CARS WOULD PULL AWAY

TO AVOID A STATIONARY OBJECT.

IN THIS CASE,A SLOW-MOVING FORKLIFT.

THE STUNT WOULD'VE WORKED,

EXCEPT MIKE AND JADESUDDENLY FOUND THEMSELVES

TONGUE-TIED.

- GET BACK IN THE CAR!

GET IN THE CAR NOW!

- ONE WOULD HAVE THE SLAVE RINGWITH THE HOOP ON IT

AND THEN WHAT WOULD END UPHAPPENING

WOULD BE THAT THE BALLON JUST THE PLAIN,

REGULAR TONGUE RING

WOULD GET LODGEDIN THAT RING.

- [screams]

announcer: THE TWO DRIVERSSHOULD'VE SLOWED THEIR CARS DOWN

AT THE SAME TIME.

BUT THEY DIDN'T USETHEIR HEADS.

SO INSTEAD,MIKE AND JADE LOST THEIRS.

- [screams]

announcer: KIDS THESE DAYSDO SOME PRETTY DUMB THINGS.

THESE TWO COULD'VE USEDA SIMPLE HEAD'S UP.

- OH, MY GOD!

Captioning by CaptionMaxwww.captionmax.com

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