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Today's Special: Death

An unfaithful wife can't cheat death; a 20s gangster gets steamed; the mother-in-law from hell goes back.

- REMEMBER THAT ONE TIME?

announcer: TINA,SHELLY, AND JESSICA

WERE THREE DIVORCEESWHO SPENT THEIR TIME

DRINKING DOWNTHEIR ALIMONY PAYMENTS.

- TO THE DOUCHE BAGS.

announcer:IF THE BOOZE RAN OUT,

THEY TOOK TURNSGOING TO THE LIQUOR STORE.

JESSICA WAS TODAY'SDESIGNATED DRUNK DRIVER.

- IT'S YOUR TURN.

announcer: BUT A RECENT D.U.I.AND IMPOUNDED CAR

POSED A PROBLEM,

BUT NOT FOR LONG.

- MOWER.

BYE.[engine turns]

announcer: JESSICA SET OFFFOR THE OPEN LAWN.

- ANYONE THAT'S OPERATINGA VEHICLE

ON A PRIVATEOR A PUBLIC HIGHWAY,

SUCH AS AN ATV, A BICYCLE,

SOMEONE DRIVINGA MOTORIZED LAWN MOWER,

CAN BE SUBJECT TO ARRESTFOR D.U.I.

THROUGHOUT THE UNITED STATES,

APPROXIMATELY1.4 MILLION PEOPLE

ARE ARRESTED FOR DRIVINGUNDER THE INFLUENCE ANNUALLY,

AND OF THAT NUMBER,

APPROXIMATELY11,000 PEOPLE PER YEAR

ARE KILLED INDRUNK-DRIVING-RELATED ACCIDENTS.

announcer: AFTER RUNNINGTHE STOP SIGN,

JESSICA GOT SOMEUNWANTED ATTENTION.

- MA'AM,STOP THE TRACTOR, PLEASE.

[siren blaring]

SHUT IT OFF!

announcer: WITH THE COPS ONHER TRAIL, JESSICA PUNCHED IT.

[siren blaring]

- MA'AM, STOP THE TRACTOR.

announcer: BUT WITH A TOP SPEEDOF FOUR MILES PER HOUR,

HE ONLY CHOICEWAS TO GO OFF-ROAD.

- I'M GONNA HAVE HER STOPPED.

announcer: THAT'S WHEN JESSICAHIT ROCK BOTTOM.

THE FALL STUNNED HER,

BUT IT DIDN'T STOP THE MOWER.

- THIS HIGH-POWEREDLAWN MOWER--

3,200 RPM, 22-INCH BLADE--

CUT RIGHT THROUGHHER TISSUE,

HER ARTERIES,AND HER BONE.

AND EVEN THEN, IT ONLYSLOWED DOWN TO 2,800 RPM--

STILL ENOUGH FORCE TO CUTTHROUGH THE REST OF HER BODY.

JUST GROUND HER UP,AND ACTUALLY BLED OUT

WITHIN A MATTEROF A FEW SECONDS.

announcer: BY THE TIMETHE COP ARRIVED,

MISS D.U.I. WAS...

D.O.A.

announcer: PEOPLE DON'T ALWAYSBECOME SOCIOPATHIC JERKS.

- YOU WEARING A BRA WITH THAT?

announcer: SOMETIMESTHEY'RE BORN THAT WAY.

LEE WAS NOT ONLYA FIRST-CLASS JERK.

- CALL SOMEBODYWHO CARES, SIR.

HAVE A NICE DAY.

announcer: HE WAS ALSOA POSTER BOY FOR INCOMPETENCE.

- OOPS.

- I'M AFRAID WE'RE GONNA HAVETO LET YOU GO.

announcer:BUT IN TODAY'S WORLD,

YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL WHEN YOUFIRE A NUT JOB LIKE LEE...

- YOU'RE GONNA REGRETFIRING ME.

[muttering]

announcer:BECAUSE THAT MAY BE

JUST ENOUGHTO TURN A JERK

INTO A KILLER.

THERE ARE AN AVERAGEOF 500 WORKPLACE SHOOTINGS

IN THE UNITED STATESEACH YEAR,

AND LEE WAS ABOUT TO ADDHIS NAME TO THE LIST.

HIS WEAPON OF CHOICE--

A SINGLE-SHOT,BOLT-ACTION RIFLE.

- SINGLE-SHOT,BOLT-ACTION RIFLES

HAVE A MUCH EASIER WAYOF BEING ASSEMBLED

AND DISASSEMBLED,

AS OPPOSEDTO A SEMIAUTOMATIC WEAPON.

THE OTHER THINGTHAT MAKES THEM DIFFERENT

IS THAT THE ROUNDSARE LOADED AND EJECTED

MANUALLY BY THE SHOOTER.

THE VALUE OF HAVING A RIFLE

THAT REALLYDOESN'T SELF-EJECT BRASS

IS THAT THE SHOOTER DECIDES

WHEN THAT BRASSCAN BE EJECTED,

SO THAT WON'T COMPROMISEHIS POSITION

TO PREY OR AN ENEMY SNIPER.

announcer: BUT TODAY

LEE HAD MUCH MORE THANAN ITCHY TRIGGER FINGER.

- [sneezes]

announcer:IT WAS ALLERGY SEASON,

AND HE WAS SUFFERINGFROM A FULL-BLOWN BOUT

OF HAY FEVER.

LEE DIDN'T KNOW IT,BUT HE WAS ONE OF 5% OF PEOPLE

WITH SEVERE ALLERGIESTO OAK POLLEN.

BY THE TIME HIS BOSSSTEPPED OUT OF THE OFFICE...

[gunshot]

- [sneezes]

announcer: LEE WASSUFFERING THE EFFECTS

OF ALLERGY-INDUCED VERTIGO.

- [sneezes]

[screams]

- IN THIS INDIVIDUAL,WHO'S IN A TREE

WITH LIKELY TENS OF THOUSANDSOF POLLEN PARTICLES,

IT ONLY TAKES MINUTESTO DEVELOP

A SEVERE ALLERGIC REACTION.

HE DEVELOPED A SENSEOF VERTIGO

CAUSED BY AN ALLERGICINFLAMMATION IN THE EAR CANAL.

HE FELT A SENSE OF DIZZINESS

AND SUBSEQUENTLY FELLFROM THE TREE.

THE FALL FROM THE TREERESULTED IN THE COMPRESSION

OF THE CERVICAL SPINAL CORD,

CAUSINGTHE PERSON'S PARALYSIS

AND SUBSEQUENT DEATH.

announcer:LEE WAS AN ANGRY BIRD...

- CALL SOMEBODYWHO CARES, SIR.

announcer: WHO DIDN'T LIKEWHAT HE HEARD.

- I'M AFRAID WE'RE GONNAHAVE TO LET YOU GO.

announcer:SO HE CLIMBED A TREE

AND SQUEEZED...

THEN SNEEZED.

IT DOESN'T TAKEMUCH ANALYSIS.

HE DIEDFROM INSTANT PARALYSIS.

WOMEN HAVE MADE GREAT PROGRESS

BREAKINGINTO BLUE-COLLAR JOBS

SUCH AS WELDING...

NO THANKS TO THIS DITZ.

CARLY WAS COMPLETELY CLUELESS.

HER BOSS WAS DESPERATE.

HE NEEDED A WELDER,

AND CARLY TOTALLY LIEDABOUT HER EXPERIENCE.

- OXYACETYLENE IS ONEOF THE HOTTEST COMBINATION

OF BURNING FUELS

AND REACHES TEMPERATURESABOVE 6,000 DEGREES.

IN THE PROCESS,IT SIMPLY USES OXYGEN

AND ACETYLENE GAS,

MIXES THE TWO OF THEMTHROUGH A REGULATOR SYSTEM.

BUT IN A FREE STATE,ANYTHING 15 P.S.I. OR ABOVE,

ACETYLENE IS VERY UNSTABLE.

announcer: CARLY SHOWED UPON HER FIRST DAY

WITH EQUIPMENT SHE BORROWEDFROM AN EX-BOYFRIEND.

HER BOSS, GUS,WAS ALREADY

REGRETTING HIS DECISIONTO HIRE HER.

[cell phone ringing]

- HEY, BETH. WHAT'S UP?WHAT?

announcer: FINALLY,GUS PULLED THE PLUG

ON HIS NEW EMPLOYEE.

- CARLY!TURN THAT TORCH OFF.

JEEZ.YOU'RE GONNA KILL SOMEBODY.

GET YOUR STUFF AND GET OUT.

announcer:CARLY DECIDED TO PROVE

SHE HAD SOME WELDING SKILLS...

ON GUS' CAR.

GUS, UNDERSTANDABLY,BLEW HIS TOP.

- YOU!

announcer: CARLY INEXPLICABLYBLEW HERS AS WELL.

[lock chirps]

CARLY HAD CARELESSLY THROWNHER WELDING GEAR IN HER VAN,

WHICH CAUSED THE NOZZLEON THE ACETYLENE TANK TO OPEN.

VERY QUICKLY,THE VAN FILLED UP

WITH HIGHLY FLAMMABLE GAS.

WHEN CARLY HIT HER REMOTETO UNLOCK THE VEHICLE--

- RECEIVERAUTOMATICALLY ACTIVATES

AN ELECTRIC MOTOR POWEREDBY THE CAR'S BATTERY,

WHICH THEN TURNSA SERIES OF GEARS

AND MOVES THE LOCKING RODUP AND DOWN AS NEEDED.

announcer: SPARKSFROM THE LOCK MECHANISM

IGNITED THE GAS...

AND BLEWTHE WORLD'S WORST WELDER

TO KINGDOM COME.

CARLY LIED HER WAYINTO A JOB,

SPENT ALL HER TIME YAPPINGINSTEAD OF WORKING

AND GOT CANNED.

- GET YOUR STUFF AND GET OUT.

announcer: THE ONLY THINGSHE WAS REALLY QUALIFIED FOR...

[lock chirps]

DYING.

IN THE 1500s,

ITALY WAS NO DIFFERENTTHAN TODAY.

MEN AND WOMEN GOT MARRIED,SWORE ETERNAL DEVOTION,

AND THEN CHEATEDON EACH OTHER.

TODAY'S TWO-TIMING PUTTANA--KATERINA.

announcer: HER CUCKOLD HUSBANDKNEW SOMETHING WAS GOING ON.

- KATERINA!

announcer: SO, WHEN HE HAD TO GOON A LONG BUSINESS TRIP,

HE LOCKED UP HER GRILLETTOIN A CHASTITY BELT.

HE DIDN'T WANT TO GET V.D....

AGAIN.

- THE CHASTITY BELTWOULD HAVE BEEN WORN

AS A MEANS BY WHICHTO KEEP A MALE OR FEMALE CHASTE.

AND THEY PRETTY MUCH ACTEDAS A DIAPER

THAT WENT AROUND THE BODY

THAT PROTECTEDTHE GENITAL AREA.

ALSO, THEY WERE DESIGNEDFOR WOMEN.

THEY COULD URINATEAND THEY COULD, UH,

HAVE THEIR MENSTRUAL CYCLE.

announcer: WITH HUBBY AWAY,THE WIFE WILL PLAY.

BUT HER LOVER FOUND KAT'S KITTYWAS UNDER LOCK.

AND HE HAD A KEY.

- AAH.

announcer: THE KNIFEALMOST KILLED HER.

TIME FOR PLAN "B."

A COMBINATION OF OLIVE OILAND WATER

ALLOWED THE WENCH TO SLIDEOUT OF THE CHASTITY BELT

AND HER LOVERTO SLIDE RIGHT IN.

FOR THE NEXT FEW WEEKS,

THE CHEATERS WENT AT ITLIKE CONIGILA.

BUT WHEN HER HORNY HUBBYCAME BACK...

HE DISCOVERED KATERINAWAS A LITTLE RUSTY.

- WATER CAUSES METAL TO RUST,SO EVERY TIME THIS WOMAN

SLID THE CHASTITY BELTON AND OFF,

SHE MADE CONTACTWITH THE RUSTY EDGES.

AFTER CONTACTWITH THIS RUSTY BELT,

THE C. TETANI SPORES WERE ABLETO PENETRATE THE SKIN.

THEY PRODUCED THE POTENT TOXINTETANOSPASMIN,

WHICH ULTIMATELY LEDTO LOSS OF MOTOR-NEURON CONTROL.

SHE EXPERIENCED MUSCLE SPASMS

THAT LEDTO LARYNX CONTRACTIONS

THAT ULTIMATELY LEDTO HER DEATH.

announcer:THERE'S A LESSON HERE.

WHETHER IT'S THE 14TH CENTURYOR THE 21ST,

INFIDELITYCAN GET PRETTY MESSY.

KATERINACOULDN'T KEEP HER LEGS SHUT.

AND NOW HER MOUTH IS...FOREVER.

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