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Hurry Up and Die

An organ donor loses heart; trailer trash gets trashed; two nymphos get offed; a mailman goes postal.

announcer:WHEN YOU BOIL IT DOWN,

THIS SHOWIS ABOUT COSMIC JUSTICE.

- OH!

announcer: PEOPLE GETWHAT'S COMING TO THEM.

- YOU IDIOT!

announcer:FOR THIS NEXT STORY...

[loud zap]

WE ASKED THE COSMOSIF THERE WAS ANYONE

WHO MIGHT HAVE SLIPPEDTHROUGH THE CRACKS,

SOMEONE WHO DESERVESA KARMIC ASS KICKING,

1000 WAYS-STYLE.

HERE'S HOW THE COSMOSRESPONDED.

SAY HELLO TO MAX.- HUH?!

announcer: HE'SA BIG-TIME MOVIE STAR.

- YOU FELL ASLEEP

WHILE I WAS WAITINGFOR A [bleep]JOB!

announcer: HE HAD FAME, MONEY...- DO YOU HEAR ME?

announcer: AND HE WAS STILLNASTY SON OF A BITCH.

- YOU MAKE MEJUST WANT TO VOMIT!

announcer: EVEN EARLIERIN HIS CAREER,

HIS TEMPER WAS LETHAL.

- HEY, CAN I TAKEMY PICTURE WITH YOU?

- WHAT ARE YOUA [bleep] PAPARAZZI?

- SOMEONE WHO HAS EVERYTHING,

IN THIS CASEA CELEBRITY,

FEELS A SENSE OF POWERAND ENTITLEMENT.

THEIR MENTALITY IS,I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT

AND SAY WHATEVER I WANT.

AND IT'S DANGEROUS,

BECAUSE, EVENTUALLY, THEY'REGOING TO SPIN OUT OF CONTROL.

[siren wails]

announcer: ANOTHER ONEOF MAX'S ENDEARING QUALITIES...

- GOOD AFTERNOON, SIR.

YOUR LICENSEAND REGISTRATION, PLEASE.

announcer:HE WAS A FLAT OUT RACIST.

- ARE YOU A JEW?

- HELLO?

- YOU WHORE!

announcer:MAX'S NEW GIRLFRIEND

WAS FOND OF RECORDINGHIS RANTS.

NOBODY WOULD BELIEVE HER.

- YOU'RE SUCH A WHORE.

I EXPECT A [bleep]JOBIN TEN MINUTES!

announcer: MAX THOUGHT HE WASGOING TO GET HIS WISH...

- THERE IS THE JACUZZI,

HERE IS MY PENIS!

GET NAKED NOW!

announcer: BUT THE GIRLFRIENDBLEW HIM OFF INSTEAD.

- LET'S GO!- NO!

I'M NOT GOINGIN THERE WITH YOU.

announcer: MAX WANTEDA GOOD SUCK.

- I DO NOT LIKE THE WAY YOU--AHH!

announcer: BUT THIS WAS MORETHAN HE BARGAINED FOR.

- [groaning]

announcer: HE SATON THE HOT TUB'S WATER INTAKE

IN A WAY THAT FORMEDA PERFECT SEAL

WITH HIS RECTUM.

- AAH!

- AAH! AAH!

AAH!

SOMEBODY HELP!

AAH!

- WHEN THE POOL DRAINAGESUCKED OUT HIS INTESTINES,

IT STARTED RIPPINGOUT ORGANS

WHICH ATTACHTO THE INTESTINES.

IN SUCCESSION, IT RIPPED OUTTHE LARGE INTESTINES,

SMALL INTESTINE,LIVER, KIDNEYS, SPLEEN,

AND HE BLED TO DEATH,

BECAUSE OF MASSIVEEXSANGUINATION.

- [whimpers]

announcer: THIS STORYIS BASED ON A REAL DEATH.

IT JUST DIDN'T HAPPENTO THIS GUY WE CALLED MAX.

- WHAT ARE YOU,A [bleep] PAPARAZZI?

announcer: IF HE WAS REAL

AND READY TO LEARNFROM HIS MISTAKES,

HERE'S WHAT WE'D TELL HIM.

- YOU MAKE MEJUST WANT TO VOMIT!

announcer: THERE'S NO RULETHAT SAYS

HOLLYWOOD STARSHAVE TO BECOME JERKS.

- HERE IS MY PENIS!

ARE YOU A JEW?

YOU WHORE!

announcer: BUT IF THEY DO,

BE FOREWARNED...

WE LOVE TO WATCH YOUR CAREERSGO DOWN THE DRAIN.

- AAH!

TOM AND TAMMY WEREYOUR AVERAGE COUPLE IN LOVE.

THEY WENT TO THE MOVIES,THEY TOOK LONG WALKS,

BUT UNLIKE OTHER COUPLES,

THEY HAD DIRTY SEXEVERYWHERE THEY COULD.

THESE HEDONISTIC HORN DOGSWERE HARDCORE EXHIBITIONISTS,

WHO LIKED TO GET OFFIN PUBLIC.

TO ADD A LITTLE MORE PUNCHTO THEIR SEX LIFE,

TOM HAD ADDED A SECRET WEAPONTO HIS WEAPON.

- YOU WANT TO MEETPRINCE ALBERT?

- A PRINCE ALERT ISA GENITAL PIERCING FOR A MALE.

AND IT BASICALLY ENTERS

THROUGH THE TOPOF THE URETHRA

AND EXITS AT THE BOTTOMOF THE PENIS.

SO IT WOULD PRETTY MUCHLOOK LIKE THIS.

announcer: ONE AFTERNOON,THE AL DENTE LOVEBIRDS

DECIDED TO GET IT ONON A POWER TRANSFORMER.

IN GENERAL, NOT A GOOD IDEA.

MORE SPECIFICALLY,IT WAS A REALLY BAD IDEA,

BECAUSE THIS TRANSFORMERWAS OLD AND DEFECTIVE.

AS SOON AS PRINCE ALBERTMET LORD TRANSFORMER...

[electrical current crackling]

MASTER TOM HADA PREMATURE ELECTROCUTION.

- AAH!

- A PIERCING,BECAUSE IT'S METAL,

MAKES A GOOD CONTACTAND A GOOD CONDUCTOR,

SO IT PROVIDESA VERY GOOD ENTRANCE POINT.

ELECTRICITY IS ESSENTIALLY

TRYING TO FIND ITS PATHBACK TO GROUND,

SO IF YOU TOUCH THAT CASE,

AND THEY DIDN'T HAVE A GOODGROUND CONTACT ON THAT CASE,

YOUR FEET WOULDBECOME THE GROUND.

announcer:TAMMY DIDN'T GET LAID,

BUT SHE DID GET LUCKY.

HER FEET WEREN'TON THE GROUND

TO COMPLETE THE CIRCUIT,

AND SHE FELT LITTLE MORETHAN A TINGLE.

- IN THIS CASE, WHEN CONTACTWITH THE TRANSFORMER WAS MADE,

THE CURRENT FLOWEDTHROUGH HIS BLOODSTREAM,

STARTING IN HIS PELVIS

AND ASCENDING UP THE AORTAINTO HIS HEART.

THE CURRENT THENLIKELY STOPPED HIS HEART.

announcer:A WISE MAN ONCE SAID,

"HE WHO MAKES LOVE TO GIRLWITH PIERCED PENIS

ON TOPOF ELECTRIC TRANSFORMER

IS IN FOR A BIG SHOCK."

[electrical current crackling]

- AAH!

announcer: WORD UP, WISE MAN.

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