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Death Takes A Vacation

A drug dealer goes for a trip; a mime is silenced; a tennis flirt meets her demise.

- I'M HUNGRY.HAVEN'T EATEN ALL DAY.

announcer: IT'S THE ENDOF ANOTHER DAY

AT THE CARNIVAL FOOD STANDFOR DIXIE AND JULIAN.

- WELL, YOU'VE BEENSERVING PEOPLE.

HOW ABOUT I SERVE YOU?- [laughs]

announcer: HORN DOG JULIAN'SBEEN WAITING TO SERVE DIXIE

ALL SUMMER LONG.

HE THINKS THE WAYTO A WOMAN'S HEART

IS DEEP-FRIED ANYTHING.

TWINKIES...

- CAREFUL.THE CREAM'S HOT.

announcer: CHOCOLATE BARS...

- MMM.

announcer: EVEN PICKLES.

- [giggles]- THAT'S THE ONE.

- I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M GOINGTO FIT THAT PICKLE IN MY MOUTH.

- APHRODISIACS ARE SAIDTO SEXUALLY ENHANCE, IMPROVE,

OR INCREASE THE STATUS QUOOF A PERSON'S SEX DRIVE.

HOWEVER, WHILE FRIED FOODS CANBE CONSIDERED A DELICIOUS TREAT,

THEY'RE NOT CONDUCIVETO SEXUALITY

BECAUSE YOU'RE LIKELYTO FEEL SLUGGISH

AND NOT GOODABOUT YOURSELF.

- HOLD ON.- ALL RIGHT.

[giggles]

MMM.

MMM. SO BIG.- NICE.

announcer: JULIAN FEELS GOODENOUGH ABOUT HIMSELF

TO TRY ONE OF HIS FAVORITESEDUCTION TECHNIQUES.

- GUESS I HAVE TO FIND SOMETHINGELSE TO FEED YOU.

announcer: MAULING.

- [laughs]

OH, OKAY, JULIAN.

WATCH YOUR HANDS.- COME ON. COME ON.

- NO.NO, NO, NO.

announcer: GUYS,HOW MANY TIMES

DO YOU HAVE TO LEARNTHIS LESSON?

NO MEANS NO.

- COME ON!

announcer: PETITE LITTLE DIXIE'SGOT MORE SPUNK

THAN JULIAN THOUGHT.

announcer: HE GOES INTO "NO MOREMR. NICE GUY" MODE...

- GET OFF ME!

announcer: BUT HE'S THE ONEWHO WINDS UP BATTERED.

- GET BACK HERE!

[splash, sizzle]

announcer: KNOCKED SENSELESS,JULIAN'S HEAD TAKES A HEADER

RIGHT INTO THE DEEP FRYER.

WHEN DIXIE FLED...

- MY PURSE.

announcer:SHE FORGOT HER KEYS,

AND DISCOVERS JULIAN'SGOT AS MUCH LIFE

AS A DAY-OLD FUNNEL CAKE.

- JULIAN!OH, MY GOD.

[grunts]OH, GOD.

[screams]

OH, MY GOD!OH, MY GOD!

- OUR VICTIM, WITH HIS HEADFALLING INTO THE VAT

OF BOILING OIL--375 DEGREES--

160 DEGREES HIGHERTHAN BOILING WATER,

CAUSED THE TISSUEWITHIN HIS BRAIN--

THE MOISTURE--TO VAPORIZE

AND COOK HIS BRAINFROM INSIDE OUT...

NOT ONLY CAUSING THIRD DEGREEBURNS ON HIS WHOLE BODY,

BUT ACTUALLY EXPLODINGHIS BRAIN.

AND HE WAS DEAD.

announcer: OKAY, GUYS.HERE'S SOME DATING ADVICE.

- BE CAREFUL.THE CREAM'S HOT.

announcer: DEEP-FRIED FOODSARE A NO-NO.

- MMM.IT'S SO BIG.

announcer: NOT EVERY GIRLWANTS YOU.

- GET OFF ME!

- GET BACK HERE!

[splash, sizzle]

- JULIAN!OH, MY GOD!

announcer:AND MOST IMPORTANTLY,

NO DOES MEAN NO.

- [screams]

announcer: GOT IT?

CLUB HOPPING CAN BEA FRUSTRATING EXPERIENCE.

- YOU TWO.FRONT OF THE LINE, NOW.

- WHAT?

announcer: AT THIS ONE,TO MAKE IT PAST THE VELVET ROPE,

YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT PASTBENNY THE BOUNCER.

- HEY, WHAT'S--WHAT'S THE--

- HOLD ON.

announcer: FOR THISINTIMIDATING EX-CON,

MONEY DEFINITELY TALKS.

IT ALSO HELPEDIF YOU WERE SMOKING HOT

AND FLASHED A LOT OF SKIN.

IF YOU WERE ADAM AND SAM,

JUST ANOTHER COUPLE OF DUDESLOOKING FOR FUN,

GOOD LUCK.

- WE'VE BEEN HERE A WHILE.

- WHAT PART OF "HOLD ON"DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

GO TO THE BACK OF THE LINE.- WHAT?

- GO TO THE ENDOF THE LINE.

announcer: BENNY'S HAIR-TRIGGERTEMPER WAS A BRICK WALL.

- HERE ARE THE TWO TYPESOF BOUNCERS:

YOU HAVE THE GUY WHO DID NOTMAKE THE CUT IN THE NFL,

AND HE'S MAD AT THE WORLD.

THEN YOU HAVE THE GUY THATCOULD NOT PASS THE POLICE TEST.

ANY TIME WE HADAN UPSCALE CROWD,

THEY WOULD PURPOSEFULLYPICK ON ANYBODY

THEY COULD IDENTIFYAS A COLLEGE BOY.

ONE DAY, A GUY'STRYING TO GET IN,

SO THE BOUNCER REACHED ACROSSAND SNATCHED THE GUY

OVER THE RAIL,AND WAS ABOUT TO POUND HIM.

announcer: FINALLY,AFTER A TWO HOUR WAIT,

ADAM AND SAMARE BACK IN FRONT.

- ARE WE NEXT?

- GO TO THE ENDOF THE LINE.

- [chuckles]

- OH, I'M A JOKE,NOW?

- REALLY?- I'M A JOKE?

- I'M SORRYIF I MADE YOU MAD.

I'M SUPPOSEDTO MEET SOMEBODY.

- ARE YOU TOUCHING ME?

- [groans]- ARE YOU TOUCHING--

announcer: ONCE BENNYGOES OFF...

- DON'T YOU EVER TOUCH ME,MAN!

announcer: THERE'S NO STOPPINGMR. ANGER MISMANAGEMENT...

UNTIL...

- DON'T TOUCH ME!DON'T TOUCH ME!

- [grunting]

AH!

- [gasps]

[screaming]

- FALLING AWNING ENTERSINTO THE BRAIN TISSUE,

DRIVING FRAGMENTS OF BONEINTO THE BRAIN TISSUE,

DESTROYING ITS ASSOCIATEDBLOOD VESSELS.

BLEEDING OCCURSAS A CONSEQUENCE.

RESPIRATORY FUNCTION CEASES,

AND YOU'RE BASICALLY LEFTIN A VEGETATIVE STATE,

AND ULTIMATELY,THE SUBJECT DIES QUICKLY.

announcer: THE CLUB SCENECAN BE EXASPERATING...

- YOU TWO.

announcer: UNFAIR...- GO TO THE END OF THE LINE.

- SUPPOSED TO MEET SOMEBODY--- ARE YOU TOUCHING ME?

- NO--[groans]

announcer: AND FORAN AGRO-BOUNCER LIKE BENNY...

- [gasps]

[screaming]

announcer: DEADLY.

GARCIA IS A DRUG DEALER.

HE'S COME UPWITH AN INTERESTING WAY

TO SMUGGLEHIS HOMEMADE LSD.

SOAK A T-SHIRT WITHTHE EQUIVALENT OF 2 MILLION HITS

OF THE ILLEGALHALLUCINOGEN,

AND WEAR IT THROUGHAIRPORT SECURITY.

- 628 MILLION PASSENGERSPASS THROUGH SECURITY

AT OUR AIRPORTSANNUALLY.

1 IN 1,000 PASSENGERSARE DETAINED

FOR MARIJUANA POSSESSION,DRUGS, ET CETERA.

1 IN 50 PASSENGERS AREARGUMENTATIVE AND, YOU KNOW,

USUALLY CAUSE SOME SORTOF A DISRUPTION

IN THE AIRPORT.

announcer: GARCIA'S FLYING UPTO PORTLAND WITH ENOUGH ACID

TO FRY EVERYBODY'S MINDIN THE STATE OF OREGON.

- THERE IS--DAYS--LIGHTSON EVERY CORNER.

announcer: HIS PLAN MIGHTHAVE WORKED ON PAPER,

BUT IT WASN'T WORKINGON GARCIA.

- GARY IS CAT MAN.

EXCUSE ME--

announcer: HE DIDN'T ACCOUNTFOR HIS BODY SWEAT

CAUSING THE LSD TO GET ABSORBEDTHROUGH HIS SKIN.

[eerie music]

- [growls]

announcer: GARCIA HAD YETTO BOARD THE PLANE,

BUT HIS TRIP HADALREADY STARTED.

[distorted pigs grunting]- WHOA!

- CALM DOWN.- WHOA, NO!

announcer: THE MOREPARANOID HE GOT,

THE MORE HE SWEATED,

UNTIL HE HAD ABSORBED ENOUGH LSDTO THROW HIS SYSTEM

INTO METABOLIC OVERLOAD.

- SIR, CALM DOWN!

- NO, NO!AH!

announcer: HIS HEART RACEDAT 280 BEATS PER MINUTE,

HIS BLOOD PRESSURE SOAREDINTO THE STROKE ZONE,

HIS MIND SHUT DOWN.

- [screaming]

announcer:AND THEN GARCIA WENT

FROM THE VERYWHACKED-OUT LIVING

TO THE VERY, VERY DEAD.

- THE PHYSICAL EFFECTSOF LSD

ARE BASICALLY THOSE THAT YOU'DHAVE WITH FIGHT OR FLIGHT,

'CAUSE LSD AFFECTS PARTSOF THE NERVOUS SYSTEM,

PUTTING A LOT OFSTRESS ON YOUR BODY.

WE KNOW THATWHEN PEOPLE TAKE

100 TIMES THE REGULARDOSE OF LSD,

THEY HAVEVIOLENT VOMITING,

THEY HAVE VERY HIGHTEMPERATURES,

AND THEY GOINTO A COMA STATE.

SO IF YOU TAKE THATFROM 100 TIMES

TO 100,000 TIMES,

YOU WOULD DEFINITELY HAVEVERY HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE

WITHIN THE ARTERIES, ENOUGHTO MAKE YOUR ARTERIES EXPLODE.

YOUR HEART COULD EXPLODE.

YOUR TEMPERATUREWOULD BE SO HIGH

THAT--THAT YOUR BRAINWOULD BASICALLY BOIL INSIDE YOU.

VERY AWFUL DEATH.

- GARY IS CAT MAN.

announcer: GARCIA WAS A DRUGSMUGGLER WHO WANTED

THE WHOLE WORLD TO TRIP OUTON HIS HOME-BREWED LSD,

BUT THEN HE SCREWED UP...

- [distorted speech]

- NO!

announcer: AND WOUND UP TAKINGTHE ULTIMATE TRIP.

DEATH.

HEY, GUYS.

HERE'S SOMEONE YOU NEVER WANTTO FIND YOURSELF MARRIED TO.

A LAZY BOONG TWO-TIMING HAG.

SAY HELLO TO KIMBERLY.

- HONEY, PLEASE, PLEASEDON'T MESS THIS UP FOR ME.

[doorbell rings]

PLEASE?

announcer: HER HUBBY, DAN,WAS STUPID ENOUGH

TO INVITE HIS BOSS AND HIS WIFEOVER FOR TENNIS.

- HONEY, THIS IS LEA,AND THIS IS JOE.

- HI.

announcer: FOR KIMBERLY...

- HELLO.- NICE TO MEET YOU.

announcer: IT WAS TIME TO LETTHE GAMES BEGIN.

- YOU SHOULD PLAYWITH MY HUSBAND,

AND WE'RE GONNAPLAY TOGETHER.

- WELL, I GUESSIT'S YOU AND ME.

- A LOT OF RELATIONSHIPSGET STALE.

AND MARRIAGES NEEDINFUSIONS OF ENERGY

AND SPICINESS TO HELPKEEP THEM ALIVE AND FRESH.

FEMALES WANT TO BE DESIRED.

THEY WANT TO FEEL ATTRACTIVE.

THEY WANT THEIR MATESTO PUT THEM ON A PEDESTAL

AND MAKE THEM FEELLIKE THE PRINCESS

AND THE QUEENSTHAT THEY ARE.

IF HER HUSBAND'SNOT PROVIDING THAT FOR HER,

SHE MAY WANT TO GO OUT AND SEEKTHAT FROM SOMEBODY ELSE.

announcer: AS THE MATCHPROCEEDED,

A MONKEY IN HEAT WOULD HAVEBEEN EMBARRASSED

BY KIMBERLY'S BEHAVIOR.

- HOLD ON,YOU GUYS.

announcer:JOE'S WIFE LEA

SAID WHAT WAS ONEVERYONE'S MINDS.

- INAPPROPRIATE!

- HONEY, PLEASE!

- I'M SORRY.

I HAVE TO STRETCH A LITTLE,YOU KNOW?

announcer: KIMBERLY WASTOO BUSY

FLIRTING TO PAY ATTENTIONTO THE GAME...

UNTIL ONE OF LEA'S SERVES

GOT HER ATTENTION.

- OH.

- [groans]

[grunts and gasps]

- OH!

announcer: BEFORE THE MATCH,DAN HAD TIGHTENED THE NET

WITH THE HAND CRANK.

- [grunts]

announcer: WHEN THE STUNNEDKIMBERLY STAGGERED OVER,

SHE ACCIDENTALLY TRIGGEREDTHE SAFETY RELEASE,

AND WENT FROM FLIRTING...

TO HURTING...

TO DEAD.

- THE AVERAGE TENNIS NETIS SET

TO ABOUT 500 POUNDSOF TENSION.

SHE HIT THE LOCKING MECHANISMON THE RATCHET.

WHEN SHE DID,THE 500-POUND FORCE

ON THE CENTEROF THE RATCHET,

WHICH MULTIPLIED OVER THE SPANOF THE CRANK LENGTH,

INCREASED ITTO 2,000 POUNDS OF FORCE.

THAT SWINGING AROUNDAT PRETTY GOOD SPEED,

NAILED HERIN THE SIDE OF THE HEAD--

WOULD HAVE AMPLIFIEDTHAT FORCE

AND KILLED HER RIGHTON THE SPOT.

- YOU SHOULD PLAYWITH MY HUSBAND.

announcer: KIMBERLY WAS ANEMBARRASSMENT TO HER HUSBAND

AND EVERYONE ELSE.

BUT THEN FATE HAD AN ACEIN THE HOLE.

- INAPPROPRIATE!

announcer: AND IT BECAME GAME...

- [grunts]

announcer: SET...

- [groans]

announcer: MATCH MADE IN HELL.

Captioning by CaptionMaxwww.captionmax.com

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