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Dying to Tell the Story

A couple gets antsy on a safari; an Amish kid parties to death; a surfer dude is "board" to death.

ON AFRICA'SSERENGETI PLAINS,

THE ONE SPECIES OF WILDLIFEYOU DON'T EVER

WANT TO ENCOUNTER...

THE AMERICAN TOURIST.

- DO YOU PEOPLE NOT KNOWHOW TO PAVE A ROAD?

announcer: HERB AND MIRANDA WERESPOILED TRUST FUNDERS

WHO WERE USEDTO GETTING THEIR WAY.

- I NEED TOSEE AN ANIMAL PRONTO.

announcer:IF THEIR GUIDE

COULDN'T FIND THEMANY WILDLIFE TO OGLE...

- I WOULD SETTLEFOR A ZEBRA.

- BORING!

announcer: THEY'DFIND IT THEMSELVES.

- WE'RE GONNA GO OFF

AND WE'RE GONNA HAVEA REAL SAFARI, ALL RIGHT?

- CAN YOU PLEASEGET BACK IN THE JEEP?

- I EXPECT YOUTO BE BACK HERE AT 6:00

TO PICK US UP, OKAY?

- IT WOULDBE INCREDIBLY IDIOTIC

TO TRY TO TREKACROSS THE SAVANNAH

WITHOUT AN EXPERIENCED GUIDE,FRESH DRINKING WATER,

AND THOROUGH PLANNING.

THE LIST OF DIFFERENT ANIMALSTHAT COULD KILL YOU

IN THE SERENGETIGOES INTO THE DOZENS.

AND ON TOP OF THAT,YOU HAVE THE HARSH ENVIRONMENT,

EXTREME HEAT,AND LACK OF WATER.

announcer: THREEAND A HALF HOURS LATER,

THE SIBLINGS WERE PREDICTABLYAND DANGEROUSLY LOST.

- I FEEL LIKEWE'RE GOING IN CIRCLES.

- WE'RE GOINGIN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

WOULD YOU JUST TRUST ME?- [sigh]

announcer: THE 118-DEGREE HEATWAS TAKING A TOLL.

THE BRATTY COUPLEWERE FEELING THE FATIGUE

OF ACCELERATED DEHYDRATION.

BY THE TIME THEYFOUND SHADE,

HERB AND MIRANDAWERE DIZZY AND NAUSEOUS.

THEY PASSED OUTWITHIN MINUTES.

WHAT HAPPENED NEXTCAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED

AS BAD TO WORSE.

AN ENTIRECOLONY OF DRIVER ANTS,

50 MILLION STRONG,WERE ON THE MOVE.

- [screaming]

announcer: AND MADEA NEW HOME FOR THEMSELVES

INSIDE HERB'S BODY.

- DRIVER ANTS AREEXCEEDINGLY DANGEROUS,

AND THE ATTACKS AREVERY COMMON.

AND EACH ONE OFTHE BIG SOLDIER ANTS,

WHICH ARE THE ONES THATDO THE DAMAGE,

ARE NEARLY AN INCH LONG.

AND WHEN OUR VICTIM FELLUNCONSCIOUS WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN,

ANTS WENT IN HIS THROAT,BIT HIM, INJECTED THE ACID,

HIS THROAT SWELLED ANDHE ASPHYXIATED,

AND THEY DEVOURED HIMFROM THE INSIDE OUT.

JUST CHOWED HIM DOWN.

announcer: MIRANDA WAS LUCKY.- [screaming]

announcer:SHE WAS SPARED

BECAUSE THE PERFUMESHE WAS USING

CONTAINEDTRICYCLO DECENYL ALOE ETHER,

A CHEMICALFOUND TO REPEL INSECTS.

- [continues screaming]

announcer: 50 MILLIONIN YOUR BANK ACCOUNT...

THAT MEANS YOU GET TOACT LIKE WORLD-CLASS BRATS.

- I NEED TOSEE A LION, PRONTO.

announcer: 50 MILLIONANTS DOWN YOUR THROAT...

- [screaming]

announcer:THAT MEANS YOU'RE DEAD.

IT'S HALLOWEEN NIGHT.

CHECK OUT THE KIDIN THE AMISH COSTUME.

- HEY!HEY, YOU!

NICE COSTUME!

COME INSIDEAND PARTY WITH US.

all: COME ON!announcer: BUT...

IT'S NO COSTUME.

THE KID IS JEBEDIAH.

AND HE'S AN AMISH YOUNG MANON A TRIP TO THE BIG CITY

TO SEE HOWTHE OUTSIDERS LIVE.

IT'S A RITE OF PASSAGECALLED RUMSPRINGA.

AMISH YOUTH ARE ENCOURAGEDBY THEIR ELDERS

TO EXPLORE AND EXPERIMENTFOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS

BEFORE BUCKLING DOWNTO A LIFETIME

OF ALL WORK AND NO PLAY.

- RUMSPRINGA TRANSLATESTO "RUNNING AROUND,"

OR "RUNNING AND JUMPING,"ACTUALLY.

IT'S A PERIOD WHERE AMISH KIDSGET TO SOW THEIR WILD OATS.

THEY BASICALLY ABUSE ALCOHOL,SMOKE CIGARETTES,

TRY RECREATIONAL DRUGS--

ALL THE STUFFTHAT NORMAL TEENAGERS DO.

EXCEPT THEY'RE COMINGFROM SUCH A CLOSED COMMUNITY

THAT IT'S ALL VERY NEWAND EXCITING TO THEM.

announcer: AT FIRST,JEBEDIAH WAS OVERWHELMED.

- YOU'RE GOING TO HELL!AH!

[laughing]

announcer:UNTIL HE MET A HOT NURSE

WHO TOOK THE INNOCENT LADUNDER HER CARE.

- THE NURSE KNOWSWHAT'S BEST.

announcer: SOON ENOUGH,JEBEDIAH WAS CORRUPTED.

- CAN WE GETANOTHER ONE, PLEASE?

- WHOO!YEAH!

DRINK, DRINK, DRINK!- DRINK!

[laughing]announcer: AND HAMMERED.

- WHOO!ICE LUGE, YEAH!

[laughing]

announcer: BUT BEFOREHE COULD EVEN EXPERIENCE

THE JOYS OFHIS FIRST HANGOVER...

THE AMISH FARM BOYHIT THE DECK

AND NEVER GOT UP.

- ARE YOU OKAY?

announcer:JEBEDIAH WAS UNAWARE

HE HAD A GENETIC CONDITION

THAT LEFT HIM UNABLE TOPROCESS ALCOHOL.

HIS BODY DIDN'T PRODUCEAN ENZYME CALLED ALDH2.

- ACETALDEHYDE HYDROGENASEIS AN ENZYME

THAT BREAKS DOWNTHE ALCOHOL WITHIN THE LIVER.

WHEN THE GENTLEMAN DRANK,

THIS ALCOHOL JUST WENTSTRAIGHT INTO HIS SYSTEM,

UN-BROKEN-DOWN,AND BECAME A TOXIN

AND STARTED TO SHUT DOWNSOME OF THE MAJOR ORGANS.

announcer: THE AMISH TRYAND ISOLATE THEMSELVES

TO LEAD PUREAND SIMPLE LIVES.

- COME INSIDEAND PARTY WITH US.

announcer: JEBEDIAHCAME TO THE BIG CITY

AND LEARNED A HARD LESSON.

- YOU'RE GOING TO HELL!AAH!

announcer: THE AMISH ARENO DIFFERENT THAN ANYONE ELSE.

EVERYBODY DIES.

- I GOT SOMETHINGTO SHOW YOU HERE.

- [gasps]YOU FINALLY GOT A CAR.

- I DID, I DID.announcer: LEONARD FINALLY

SAVED UP ENOUGH MONEYTO BUY A CAR.

IT WASN'T ANYTHING FLASHY.- SO? IT'S A GOOD, SOLID CAR.

announcer:KINDA LIKE LEONARD.

- IT'S MY FIRST CAR.announcer: BUT HE WASN'T

THE ONLY ONE WHOGOT NEW WHEELS THAT DAY.

[tires squealing]

- OH, BOY.

- YO, LENNY!- HEY, TODD.

announcer: TODD WAS LEONARD'SOBNOXIOUS, GLOATING COUSIN.

- SO THIS ISTHE NEW RIDE, HUH?

- YEAH.

announcer:UNLIKE LEONARD,

TODD DIDN'T HAVETO WORK FOR HIS RIDE.

MOMMY AND DADDY GOT HIMANYTHING HE WANTED.

- CHECK OUTMY NEW CAR, DUDE.

I JUST GOT IT!

LOOK, 22-INCH CHROME WHEELS,AUTOMATIC RUNNING BOARDS,

L.E.D. RUNNING LIGHTS,DVD PLAYER...

THIS SPEAKER SYSTEM,IT'S AMAZING.

A REAL EIGHT BALLON MY STICK SHIFT, DUDE.

[laughing]

- THE PEOPLE WHO DRIVETHESE BIG, OVERSIZED CARS

TEND TO BE INTRUSIVEWITH THEIR PERSONALITY.

THEY INTRUDE UPONOTHER PEOPLE'S PRIVATE SPACE,

AND INTERFERE WITHTHEIR LIFE.

announcer: THE COOLESTFEATURE OF TODD'S NEW TRUCK...

- WHAT DOYOU THINK THIS IS?

announcer: HE COULD START ITWHILE STANDING OUTSIDE IT.

[beeps, motor starts]

[thud, scream]

ALTHOUGH THE MANUFACTURERWARNED AGAINST

INSTALLINGTHE REMOTE START FUNCTION,

TODD WENT FOR IT ANYWAY.

HE PROBABLY SHOULD'VETHOUGHT THIS ONE THROUGH

A LITTLE BETTER.

WHILE SHOWING OFFHIS EIGHT BALL,

TODD LEFT THE TRUCKIN GEAR.

[beeps, motor starts]WHEN IT STARTED,

THE HEAVY TRUCKLURCHED FORWARD,

POPPED OUT OF GEAR...- [grunt]

- [scream]

announcer: ANDGAVE TODD A FLAT HEAD.

- A ONE-TON TRUCKIS GONNA JUST START TO

CRUSH DOWN ON YOUR SKULL,THERE'S SO MUCH WEIGHT.

AND YOU HAVE PULVERIZED TISSUEON THE INSIDE OF YOUR BRAIN.

IT'S ALL GONNA BE MUSH.

[tires squeal]

announcer: TODD THOUGHTHIS TRICKED-OUT TRUCK

MADE HIM COOLER THANANYONE ELSE.

- A REAL EIGHT BALLON MY STICK SHIFT, DUDE.

[chuckles]

[beeps, motor starts]BUT ALL IT REALLY DID...

- [scream]

announcer:WAS MAKE HIM DEADER.

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