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Dead Before They Know It

Death crashes a terrorist wedding; a big box falls on small heads; a very bad Santa gets iced.

[middle eastern music]

- TANYA USED TO BEAN AWARD-WINNING JOURNALIST

WORKING THE MOST DANGEROUSPLACES IN THE MIDDLE EAST.

BUT SHE LOST HERPERSPECTIVE.

SHE DENOUNCED THE U.S.,BECAME A MUSLIM.

AND NOW,TO SEAL THE DEAL...

- MY WIFE.[jubilant shouts]

- SHE'S ABOUT TO MARRYA TALIBAN TERRORIST.

- MOST OF THE PEOPLETHAT ARE RECRUITED

INTO TERRORISTORGANIZATIONS

ARE INDIVIDUALSWHO FEEL UNDERVALUED.

AND THEY'RE EASILY ENTICEDINTO GOING INTO ANOTHER WORLD,

WHERE THEY CANNOT ONLY EXCEL,

BUT BE PART OF SOMETHINGTHAT'S LARGER THAN LIFE.

WHICH WOULD YOU RATHER BE,A BUS DRIVER

OR A SUPER-TERRORIST?

- A TERRORIST WEDDING ISA SIMPLE AFFAIR,

FOR THE MOST PART.

A LOT OF BEARDED MENAND OVERLY CLOTHED WOMEN

SHOUTING AND FIRING OFFTHEIR CUTE LITTLE NOISEMAKERS.

[gunfire]

HAVING BEEN A SPOILEDAND PAMPERED INFIDEL,

TANYA WASN'T USED TO HANDLINGANYTHING AS HEFTY

AS AN AK-47.

[all shouting]

BUT SHE WANTED TO SHOWSHE COULD TALIBAN

AS HARD AS EVERYONE ELSE.

all: SHOOT! SHOOT! SHOOT!

[all cheering]

[panicked shouts]

- SHE SHOULD HAVE STUCKWITH HER LAPTOP.

ONE OF THE ROUNDSBOUNCED OFF A METAL PITCHER,

AND DIDN'T STOP UNTILIT BANGED AROUND HER SKULL,

TURNING HER BRAININTO MUSH.

- WITH THE VELOCITYTHAT IT HAD,

IT WAS ABLE TO ENTERTHE CRANIAL CAVITY,

BUT DID NOT SUSTAINENOUGH VELOCITY TO EXIT.

WHAT ENDS UP HAPPENING ISIT BOUNCES OFF

EACH SIDE OF THE CRANIUM,

LIKE A BALLIN A PINBALL MACHINE.

THE RESULTING DEATHWOULD BE FROM

MASSIVE INTERNAL HEMORRHAGE.

- TANYA WAS JUST ANOTHERBLEEDING HEART

WHO WENT NATIVE.- MY WIFE.

- SHE THOUGHT SHE WASGOING TO HELP

OVERTHROW THE U.S.

IN THE END, SHE DID HER COUNTRYA HUGE FAVOR...

BY DYING.

THREE HOT BABESLIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE.

THAT COULD BE A RECIPEFOR HORNY HARMONY.

OR, IF ONE OF THEMHAPPENS TO BE SHELLY,

PURE HELL.

- SHELLY, HAVE YOU SEENMY LITTLE BLACK DRESS?

- NO.

- SHELLY WAS THE KINDOF ROOMMATE WHO ACTED

AS IF EVERYTHING WAS HERS.

- WHO TOOK MY ICE CREAM?

- SHE BORROWED HERROOMIES' CLOTHES,

ATE THEIR FOOD,

AND USED THEIRBEAUTY PRODUCTS.

- SHELLY!

- SOME PEOPLE HAVEA COMPULSION

TO TOUCHOTHER PEOPLE'S BELONGINGS.

IT HAS A LOT TO DOWITH THE DOMINATION,

THE CONTROL THAT ONE WOULD HAVEOVER SOME PERSON.

IT'S ALMOST LIKEA NARCISSISTIC LEVEL,

WHERE THEY BELIEVE THATTHINGS ARE DUE THEM.

THAT "I HAVE AS MUCH RIGHTTO THEM

AS THE PERSON THAT OWNS THEM."

- ONE OF HER ROOMMATESRECENTLY BOUGHT A TANNING BED.

NO ONE WAS SUPPOSEDTO GO NEAR IT.

SHELLY PRACTICALLYLIVED IN IT.

ON THIS DAY, SHE FELL ASLEEPWHILE TANNING,

AND GOT MORE THANSHE BARGAINED FOR.

JUST A BAD SUNBURN,SHE THOUGHT.

- OH...

- SHE POPPED SOMEOF HER ROOMIE'S PAIN-KILLERS

TO SLEEP IT OFF.

THE NEXT MORNING,SHELLY NEEDED A SPATULA

TO GET OUT OF BED.

TURNS OUT WHAT SHE THOUGHTWAS MOISTURIZER...

- SHELLY, HAVE YOU SEENMY CREAM?

- WAS HER ROOMMATE'SPSORIOSIS MEDICATION.

IT CONTAINED PSORALEN,

A CHEMICAL THAT MAKES SKINHIGHLY SENSITIVE

TO LIGHT AND HEAT.

WHILE KNOCKED OUTON PAIN-KILLERS,

THE PSORALEN TURNEDHER TANNING-BED SUNBURN

INTO SECOND-DEGREE BURNSACROSS HER ENTIRE BODY.

- SHELLY, DID YOU TAKEMY PAIN-KILLERS?

AAH!

- SHE COLLAPSEDINTO HER ROOMMATE'S ARMS,

DEAD FROM HEART FAILURE.

- [crying out]

- THE FACT THAT SHE USEDTHIS PSORALEN-BASED PRODUCT

OVER HER ENTIRE BODY,

WHICH THEN WAS ACCELERATEDBY THE UV LIGHT,

RESULTED INSECOND-DEGREE BURNS

OVER THE MAJORITY--ALMOST 100%--OF HER TORSO.

BY THE TIME SHE WOKE UP,SHE HAD SIGNIFICANT DEHYDRATION,

AND WITHIN MINUTES,SHE DIED OF HYPOVOLEMIC

AND CARDIOGENIC SHOCK.

- SHELLY WAS A DEADBEATWHO BORROWED, USED,

AND ATE HER FRIENDSOUT OF HOUSE AND HOME.

- WHO TOOK MY ICE CREAM?

- IT'S FITTING THATTHE ROOMMATE FROM HELL

WOUND UP BURNTTO A CRISP.

- AAH!

[crying out]

LOOK UP AT ANY CITY SKYLINE,

AND YOU CAN BE SUREOF ONE THING--

SOMEBODY MANNING A CRANEHELPED BUILD IT.

RAMON HAD THE SKILLSTO PAY THE BILLS.

BUT HE WAS A BIGCRANE OPERATOR

WITH A BIG SECRET.

PERUVIAN MARCHING POWDERGOT HIM THROUGH

HIS LONG AND HARDWORK DAYS.

EVERYTHING WAS GOING FINE UNTILHIS FOREMAN DROPPED A BOMB.

- RAMON.- WHAT?

- YOU GOT A DRUG TESTTOMORROW.

- THIS WAS NO SIMPLEURINE TEST.

CRANE OPERATORSHAVE TO UNDERGO

A FULL BLOOD ANALYSIS.

BUT RAMON HAD AN ACEUP HIS SLEEVE.

- RAMON!- WHAT?

- HIS GIRLFRIEND WAS A COOKAT A HOSPITAL.

- I'VE GOT EVERYTHING YOU NEED.I'VE GOT THE BLOOD,

I'VE GOT THE NEEDLES.

- SHE WAS ABLE TO SNEAK OUTA BAG OF BLOOD--

THE SAME BLOOD TYPEAS HIS.

HIS PLAN...BRING THE BLOOD TO WORK,

AND RIGHT BEFORE THE TEST,

RUN THE CLEAN BLOODINTO HIS BODY.

- OH, HEY.

DON'T FORGET THAT DRUG TESTTHIS AFTERNOON.

- OH, YEAH, YEAH.

I'M READY TO DONATEALL DAY.

- IN THIS SITUATION,THIS INDIVIDUAL BELIEVED

THAT HE COULD CHEATTHE BLOOD TEST

BY DILUTING OUTTHE COCAINE SAMPLE,

WHICH IS FOOLISH.

IT'S NOT--IT'S NOT POSSIBLE.

- AS PLANS GO, THIS ONEHAD MORE HOLES IN IT

THAN A JUNKIE'S ARM.

- SUCKERS.

- FOR EXAMPLE,HIS GIRLFRIEND WARNED HIM--

- IT CAN'T BE COLD.- I GET IT.

- OR ELSE YOU COULD DIE,OKAY?

- BUT RAMON WAS TOO HIGHTO LISTEN.

HE FED THE COLD BLOODINTO HIS VEIN,

AND AS SOON AS IT HITHIS HEART...

HE WAS LIGHTS OUT.

- IF BLOOD KEPTAT 38 DEGREES

IS TRANSFUSEDINTO THE BODY,

THIS COULD HAVE A SERIOUSSIDE EFFECT,

ESPECIALLY ON THE HEART.

IT CAN AFFECT THE NATURALPACEMAKER OF THE HEART,

LEADING THE HEART TO HAVEIRREGULAR HEARTBEATS,

WHICH COULD THEN LEADTO VENTRICULAR FIBRILLATION

AND VENTRICULAR TACHYCARDIA,WHICH ARE DEADLY.

- EVEN CRANE OPERATORSNEED A LIFT.

RAMON JUST USEDTHE WRONG SUBSTANCE...

HAD THE WRONG PLANTO BEAT THE TEST.

- SUCKERS.

- THE ONLY THINGHE GOT RIGHT...

DYING.

'TWAS THREE WEEKSBEFORE CHRISTMAS,

AND RIGHT OUTSIDETHE MALL,

NOT A CREATURE WAS STIRRING,

EXCEPT TWO HOT ELVES,AND A STONER SANTA NAMED PAUL.

- YOU WANT?- NO.

- TRY THIS. THIS IS GOOD STUFF.- NO, THANKS.

- THERE WERE NO CUTE CHILDRENTO SIT AND TO POSE.

THEIR PARENTS WEREALL BROKE,

THEIR HOMES ALL FORECLOSED.

THIS WAS NO ST. NICK,BUT HE SURE LIKED HIS HOS.

HE FELT UP THE ELVES...

- LOVE THAT OUTFITOF YOURS, BABY.

- TILL THEY SLAPPED HIMAND SAID...

- IF YOU LAY ONE MORE OF YOURFILTHY FINGERS ON HER,

I'M GETTING OUR MANAGER.

- A BEGINNING SANTA CAN MAKEUP TO 100 BUCKS AN HOUR,

WHEREAS A VETERAN SANTACAN MAKE UP TO

175 TO 200 BUCKS AN HOUR.

IF SANTA WORKS 40 HOURS A WEEKDURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON,

HE CAN BRING IN UP TO $10,000IN HOLIDAY WAGES.

- ON REEFER, ON SPLEEF,ON BLUNTY, ON BONE,

[laughing maniacally]

THIS SANTA WAS A JUNKIE...- MMM.

- ALL HE DID WAS GET STONED.

THE MALL MANAGER GOTFLUSTERED,

AND LET OUT A BIG CRY.

- YOU'RE FIRED, OKAY?

- OH, COME ON!- GET OUT OF HERE!

GET OUT OF HERE!- AND SANTA GOT BUSTED

FOR BEING SO HIGH.

- WHAT'S GOING ON?HEY!

- THIS RAT-BEARDED STONER

FINALLY LOOKEDTO THE SKY,

AND TOOK A LARGE ICICLE...

- AAH!- [gasps]

- RIGHT IN THE EYE.[both screaming]

- THE KEY TO AN ICICLEIS THE FACT THAT

WHEN WATER RE-FREEZES,IT RELEASES HEAT.

AS THE WATER DRIPS DOWNTHAT ICICLE,

THE RELEASED HEAD ACTUALLYFORMS LIKE A BLANKET.

THE TOP OF THE ICICLEFORMS SLOWLY.

THE TIP OF THE ICICLEFORMS RAPIDLY.

ICICLES COULD GROWAS BIG AS 100 FEET.

SHOULD THOSE ICICLES BREAK,YOU'RE TALKING

INCREDIBLY DANGEROUSSITUATIONS FOR PEDESTRIANS,

PEOPLE DRIVING IN CARSBELOW.

OF COURSE, THERE HAVE BEENSITUATIONS

WHERE PEOPLE HAVE ACTUALLYBEEN KILLED

BY ICICLES FALLINGFROM BUILDINGS,

AND FROM DIFFERENTLOCATIONS.

- THIS SANTA WAS A LOSER,NO DOUBT ABOUT THAT.

- LOVE THAT OUTFITOF YOURS, BABY.

- MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL...

- YOU'RE FIRED. GET OUT OF HERE!- OH, COME ON!

- AND THANK GODHE GOT WHACKED.

- AAH!

[both screaming]

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