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Death Puts On a Dunce Cap

A live octopus meal won't go down; multiple orgasms become a problem; two crack heads get cracked heads.

male announcer:YOU KNOW, DEATH AIN'T SO BAD...

- WHAT WAS THAT?

announcer: AS LONG ASSOMEONE ELSE IS DOING THE DYING.

- AAH!

announcer:WE'VE GOT A LAST SUPPER

THAT'LL MAKE YOU SQUIRM...

A MISGUIDED HUNTERWHO BECOMES FAIR GAME...

A SOCCER FAN WHO BLOWSHIS OWN HORN...

A COUPLE OF CRACKHEADSWHO GET CRACKED HEADS...

- JUST RELAX.

announcer: AN AGING BEAUTYWHO LOSES FACE...

AND A MULTIORGASMIC WOMANWHO LIVES IN THE "O" ZONE.

- OH! OH! OH!

announcer:IS THERE LIFE AFTER DEATH?

HOW WOULD WE KNOW?

IT'S THE NEXT EPISODE...- [screams]

- OF 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.

DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.

MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT.

OTHERS CAN'T GETOUT OF ITS WAY.

EVERY DAYWE FIGHT A NEW WAR

AGAINST GERMS, TOXINS,

INJURY, ILLNESS,

AND CATASTROPHE.

THERE'S A LOT OF WAYSTO WIND UP DEAD.

THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE AT ALLIS A MIRACLE,

BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE,

WE FACE 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.

KIM WAS A STUBBORNAND VERY TRADITIONAL

KOREAN-AMERICAN FATHER

WHO BELIEVED NO ONEWAS GOOD ENOUGH

FOR HIS DAUGHTER, SUK...

ESPECIALLY A WESTERNIZEDKOREAN KID LIKE REED HERE.

BUT KIM HAD A PLAN.

HE INVITED REEDFOR A TRADITIONAL KOREAN MEAL.

- KOREAN FAMILIESARE VERY FAMILY-ORIENTED.

AND, UM, FOOD, YOU KNOW,NOT ONLY IS SERVED

AS A, UM, EATING PURPOSE,

BUT IT ALSO SERVESTO HARMONIZE THE FAMILY.

AND IT BRINGSTHE FAMILY TOGETHER.

announcer: HARMONY WASTHE LAST THING ON KIM'S MIND.

HE PICKED OUT THE MENUFOR THIS MEAL

TO DRIVEHIS DAUGHTER'S SUITOR AWAY.

[dramatic music]

KIM'S FIRST COURSEWAS ODORI OR LIVE PRAWNS.

THE SHRIMP WAS STILL TRYINGTO GET AWAY.

REED WAS RELUCTANT,BUT A GAMER.

THE SHRIMPWIGGLED ITS WAY DOWN.

NEXT TO SLITHERONTO REED'S PLATE,

A SLIMY, BOTTOM-FEEDINGSEA WORM.

JUST THE SIGHT OF IT MADE REEDWANT TO COUGH UP HIS SHRIMP.

BUT KIM WASN'T TAKING NOFOR AN ANSWER.

- AH.

announcer: THE SEA WORMJUST EXPLODED WITH FLAVOR.

REED CRIED UNCLEWHEN KIM INSISTED ON SANNAKJI,

OR LIVE OCTOPUS.

- SHH!

announcer: REED LOVED SUK,BUT NOT THAT MUCH.

KIM WAS GOING TO SHOWTHIS AMERICANIZED KID

HOW A REAL KOREAN DOES IT.

KIM SWALLOWEDTHE OCTOPUS WHOLE...

AND THOUGHT HE WAS READYFOR DESSERT.

BUT THE OCTOPUSWAS A FIGHTER...

[family shouting]

AND LATCHED ON TO THE INSIDEOF KIM'S THROAT.

- [speaking Korean]- [coughing]

[family shouting]

- WHEN THE LIVE OCTOPUSLODGED ITSELF IN THE THROAT

WITH ITS TENTACLESINSIDE THE WINDPIPE,

OR THE TRACHEA,

THIS MAN WAS UNABLETO SUCK IN FRESH AIR,

AND HE EFFECTIVELY ASPHYXIATED,OR CHOKED TO DEATH.

- [screams]

announcer: ALL THOSE SUCKINGTENTACLES CLOGGED KIM'S THROAT,

AND HE CHOKED TO DEATH.

KIM WAS SET IN HIS WAYS...

AND DIDN'T THINK ANYONEWAS WORTHY OF HIS DAUGHTER.

BUT THAT KIND OF THINKING...

- [choking]

announcer:IT'LL KILL YOU.

[toothbrush vibrating]- OH.

announcer: SOME WOMEN LIVETHEIR WHOLE LIVES

WITHOUT EVER EXPERIENCINGA FULL-BLOWN,

MUSCLE-CLENCHING,TOE-CURLING ORGASM.

NOT LUCY.

SHE SPENDS MOST OF HER DAYTRYING TO AVOID THEM.

EVEN A SIMPLE ACTSUCH AS BRUSHING HER TEETH

CAN HAVE HER FLASHINGHER "O" MOUTH.

- OH! OH! OH!

announcer: IT'S A RARE CONDITIONCALLED P.G.A.D.--

PERSISTENTGENITAL AROUSAL DISORDER.

- THE VERY SLIGHTEST VIBRATIONALSTIMULATION, NONSEXUAL,

CAN TRIGGER INTRUSIVE,UNWANTED STIMULATION

OF THE CLITORIS.

SOME WOMEN ACTUALLY CARRYAN ICE PACK WITH THEM

TO RELIEVETHE 8,000 NERVE FIBERS

THAT THE CLITORIS HAS.

AND IT'S SO DIFFICULT,

'CAUSE THEY CAN'T TELL ANYBODYWHAT THEY HAVE.

SO IT IS A SILENT EPIDEMIC.

announcer: 100 ORGASMS A DAYMIGHT SOUND LIKE HEAVEN,

BUT FOR LUCY,IT WAS A LIVING HELL.

SHE SCARED OFF EVERY GUYSHE EVER MET...

EXCEPT SETH.

- OH. OOH.

announcer: THIS LOSER GOTA LOT OF SICK PLEASURE

BY CONSTANTLY PUSHINGHER "O" BUTTON.

- OHHH!

- YOU ARE AWESOME!

announcer:ONE OF HIS FAVORITE TRICKS--

SECRETLY SETTING HER CELL PHONEON VIBRATE.

- OH! OH!- [laughs]

announcer: THE THING WITH SETH--HE NEVER KNEW WHEN TO STOP.

HE WENT A STEP TOO FARWHEN HE POKED HER

WITH A VIBRATINGMUSCLE MASSAGER.

IT SENT LUCY STRAIGHTINTO THE "O" ZONE.

AND SHE SENT SETH

ON A SKULL-CRACKING TRIPTO THE DEAD ZONE.

- [screams and cries]

- TUMBLING DOWN THE STAIRSCAN KILL YOU.

YOU CAN FALL BACKWARDDOWN THE STAIRS,

HIT THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD,BREAK YOUR NECK,

FRACTURE YOUR CERVICAL SPINE

RIGHT AT THE BASEOF YOUR SKULL,

CUTTING THROUGHTHE PERTINENT AREAS

OF YOUR SPINAL CORDTHAT ALLOW YOU TO BREATHE

AND CONTROL YOUR HEARTBEAT.

YOU DON'T BREATHE,YOUR HEART DOESN'T BEAT,

YOU'RE DEAD.

announcer:LUCY'S CONSTANT ORGASMS

MADE IT HARD TO FIND A MATE.

- OH!

announcer: WHEN IT CAME TO SETH,IT WAS EASY COME...

- OH! OH!

OH!

announcer:EASY GO.

COMING UP, A HUNTERGETS PELTED.

[gunshot]

AND...- NO ES GOL!

announcer: A SOCCER FANBLOWS IT OUT HIS VUVUZELA.

- YOU'RE HISTORY,LITTLE CRITTERS.

announcer: HENRY SHOULD'VE BEENBORN 200 YEARS AGO.

- YOU ROTTEN VARMINTS.HA HA.

announcer: IN TODAY'S WORLD,HE WAS JUST A CRAZY, OLD COOT

WHO SPENT ALL HIS TIMEIN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE

HUNTING AND TRAPPING.

LET'S PRETEND YOU'RE GOD,

AND TODAY IS HENRY'S LAST DAYON EARTH.

HOW WILL HE DIE?

- AH! AH! AH! AH!

announcer:HOW ABOUT THE STAKED PIT

HE FORGOT HE BUILT?

NOT BAD.BUT NOT TODAY.

- WHOA-HO-HO.

OH, HA HA HA!NOW, THAT'D HURT.

announcer:WHY DON'T WE TRY IT AGAIN?

- AAH!

announcer:A BEAR TRAP TO THE FACE?

PRETTY GRISLY.- AAH!

announcer:BUT THAT'S NOT IT EITHER.

- OH! HO-HO.

I CAN'T GET MEAT.

announcer:LET'S GIVE IT ONE MORE SHOT.

[gunshot]

BULL'S-EYE.

HENRY TOOK A BULLET

FROM ANOTHER HUNTER'SLONG-RANGE RIFLE.

TRAVELING AT 3,000 FEETPER SECOND,

IT RIPPED THROUGH HIS BODYBEFORE EXITING.

YOU SEE, IN HIS SKINS,

HENRY LOOKED JUST LIKEANOTHER WILD ANIMAL.

- THE LAST THING THAT ANY HUNTERWOULD WANT TO DO

WOULD BE TO WEAR THE FUROF THE ANIMAL

THAT HE'S PURSUING.

HE COULD BE EASILY MISIDENTIFIEDAS A GAME ANIMAL

AND BE SHOT ACCIDENTALLY.

THAT'S WHY IT'S SO IMPORTANT

TO WEARFLUORESCENT-ORANGE CLOTHING.

- HA HA HA HA!

announcer: HENRY DIDN'T FITIN THE MODERN WORLD.

- YOU ROTTEN VARMINTS.

announcer:HIS CAUSE OF DEATH...

[gunshot]

WARDROBE MALFUNCTION.

IT'S A WELL-KNOWN FACTSOCCER FANS ARE CRAZY.

[all cheering]

- OH!

announcer:AND ONE OF THE CRAZIEST,

MOST ANNOYING OF THEM ALLIS JOSE.

- NO ES GOL!

- SOCCER IS SOMETHINGYOU'RE BORN WITH.

IT'S SOMETHING YOU LIVE FOREVERY DAY

ON A DAY-BY-DAY BASIS.

IT'S SOMETHING THAT YOU'REVERY, VERY PASSIONATE ABOUT,

WHETHER YOU'REIN SCHOOL, WORK.

AND SOCCER DOES COMEBEFORE ANYTHING ELSE,

INCLUDING THE WIFE.

announcer:ALWAYS LOOKING FOR NEW WAYS

TO BE AN EVEN BIGGER JERK,

JOSE GOT HIMSELFTHE MOST ANNOYING

NOISEMAKING DEVICE KNOWNTO MANKIND--

A 120-DECIBEL TRUMPETCALLED A VUVUZELA,

WHICH IS LOUDERTHAN A CHAINSAW.

[vuvuzela blaring]

BACK IN THE STANDS,

JOSE GOT BUSYWITH HIS NOISEMAKER.

[vuvuzela blaring]

AS HIS TEAM STARTED WINNING,HE TURNED UP THE VOLUME.

[vuvuzela blaring]

EVERY TIME THIS BLOWHARDBLEW HARD,

HE WAS ONE SHORTAND WINDED BREATH FROM DEATH.

- AN ANEURYSM IS A TINY BLEB,IF YOU WILL,

IN THE BLOOD VESSEL.

THINK OF IT LIKE A WEAKNESSIN A BALLOON,

WHICH MAY POP UPWHEN YOU BLOW AIR INTO IT.

EFFECTIVELY, THE PRESSUREINSIDE THE BLOOD VESSEL

STARTS GOING UP.

IF THERE'S ANY WEAKNESSIN THE BLOOD VESSELS,

THAT BLEB MAY OPEN UPAND BURST.

THE BLOOD STARTS COLLECTINGIN THE SKULL

AND IT CAN SQUASH YOUR BRAINLIKE A PUMPKIN.

- OH!

announcer:IF YOU ARE EVER UNLUCKY ENOUGH

TO FIND YOURSELF SITTING DOWNNEXT TO AN IDIOT LIKE JOSE...

- NO ES GOL!

- JUST TELL HIM TO GO BLOW ITOUT HIS...

VUVUZELA.

GOAL!

UP NEXT, A ONE-TIME BEAUTYGETS NEEDLED.

- ♪ BOOP BOOP BEE DOO

announcer:AND A TWO-TIMING CONGRESSMAN

GOES DOWN IN THE POLLS.

announcer: SIDRA WASA FORMER MODEL AND BEAUTY QUEEN

WHOSE FACE HAD DEFINITELY SEENA BETTER DECADE.

SIDRA TRIED EVERY BEAUTY PRODUCTOUT THERE.

BUT HER CROW'S FEET HAD TURNEDINTO EAGLE'S CLAWS.

SIDRA TURNEDTO HER BEST FRIEND, KYLE,

WHO BROUGHT OVERHIS LOVER, RAVI,

A PLASTIC SURGEONWHO MADE HOUSE CALLS.

- JUST TAKE HEAVY BREATHSFOR ME.

HEAD BACK.JUST RELAX.

EXCELLENT!WELL DONE!

- OH, MY GOD,YOU LOOK GREAT.

- YOU'RE KIDDING.

- IT'S INSTANTANEOUS.- OH, MY GOSH.

announcer: SHE WAS DELIGHTEDWITH THE RESULTS

AND WANTED MORE.

- A MERE $500 FOR TWO SHOTSON A WEEKLY BASIS.

announcer:BUT SHE COULDN'T AFFORD IT.

- BOTOX IS A PURIFIED PROTEINMADE FROM BOTULISM TOXIN.

THIS PROTEIN IS INJECTEDUNDERNEATH THE SKIN

INTO THE MUSCLES,ALLOWING THE MUSCLES TO RELAX

AND GETTING RID OF FINE LINESAND WRINKLES.

announcer:BOTOX WAS TOO EXPENSIVE,

SO SIDRA WENT ONLINEAND RESEARCHED HER OPTIONS.

SHE DISCOVEREDA QUESTIONABLE PROCEDURE

THAT CALLED FOR INJECTINGCORN OIL UNDER THE SKIN

TO FILL IN THOSE CRACKS.

IF THAT SOUNDS STUPID...

[buzzer sounds]

THAT'S BECAUSE IT IS.

AFTER A TRIPTO THE SUPERMARKET,

SIDRA WAS READYTO PLAY DOCTOR.

- IF SOMEONE INJECTED CORN OILIN THEIR FACE INSTEAD OF BOTOX,

CORN OIL IS A THICK,VISCOUS PRODUCT.

SO IT WOULD CAUSE FULLNESSUNDERNEATH THE SKIN,

HOWEVER, IT ALSO CAN GETINTO THE BLOOD CIRCULATION,

CAUSING DAMAGETO THE TISSUES AROUND IT.

announcer:OVER THE NEXT FEW DAYS,

SIDRA TURNED HER FACE

INTO A CORN-OIL-INJECTEDPINCUSHION.

- [laughing]

announcer: SHE THOUGHTSHE LOOKED BEAUTIFUL.

BUT IN REALITY, SHE LOOKED LIKEAN OIL WELL ABOUT TO BLOW.

THIS...

COULDN'T END WELL.

THE OIL IN HER BLOODSTREAMWAS WREAKING HAVOC

THROUGHOUT HER BODY.

SHE LAID DOWNAND TRIED TO SLEEP IT OFF...

BUT WHEN SHE WOKE UP,

OIL WAS LEAKING,

AND BLOOD WAS FLOWING.

SHE TRIED TO DIAL 911...

[dial tone]

[pulsating tone]BUT IT WAS TOO LATE.

- THIS WOMAN INJECTEDA LARGE AMOUNT OF CORN OIL

INTO HER FACETO PLUMP UP THE AREA.

THE CORN OIL TRAVELEDINTO HER BLOODSTREAM,

ENDED UP IN THE ORGANS,SUCH AS THE LUNGS, THE HEART,

CAUSING CELL DEATHTO THE ORGANS

AND EVENTUALLY TO HERSELF.

announcer:IN HER DESPERATE ATTEMPT

TO REGAIN LOST BEAUTY,

SIDRA DISCOVEREDTHE NEW PRICE OF OIL...

DEATH.

CARSON HAROLD IIIIS A U.S. CONGRESSMAN,

AND HE'S HAVINGTHE WORST ELECTION DAY

IN THE HISTORY OF POLITICS.

NOT ONLY WAS HE JUST VOTEDOUT OF OFFICE,

HIS BRAZILIAN MISTRESSJUST OUTED HIM

AND SOLD HER SLEAZY STORYTO THE PRESS.

IT GETS WORSE.

CARSON'S WIFE ABANDONEDTHEIR SINKING SHIP OF A MARRIAGE

AND LEFT HIM HIGH AND DRYAND BROKE.

STILL NOT IMPRESSED?

CARSON TOOK INALL THIS BAD NEWS...

AND FELL DOWN DEAD.

NOW, THAT'S A BAD DAY.

WHAT KILLED HIM?

YOU COULD ARGUEIT WAS HIS PENIS...

BECAUSE WHEN A POLITICIANLETS THAT CERTAIN MEMBER

OF HIS CONSTITUENCYDO THE THINKING,

NOTHING GOOD EVER HAPPENS.

CARSON MET GISELEON A TRADE MISSION

TO SOUTH AMERICA.

FOR THE NEXT TEN YEARS,

HE COULD REGULARLY BE FOUNDDEEP IN THE AMAZON.

- OH, YES.

announcer: ONE NIGHTWHILE SLEEPING IN THE BED

OF HISGOVERNMENT-FINANCED LOVER,

CARSON WAS BITTENBY A LOCAL INSECT

CALLED A TRIATOMA.

THE LOCALSHAVE ANOTHER NAME FOR IT--

THE KISSING BUG.

- IT LANDS NEAR YOUR MOUTH,

BITES YOU AROUND THE LIPS,

SUCKS THE BLOOD,AND THEN HAS A QUICK POOP.

IT ITCHES, SO IN THE MIDDLEOF THE NIGHT, YOU WIPE IT,

AND YOU WIPE A PARASITEINTO THE WOUND,

AND THIS IS WHEREYOUR CHAGAS DISEASE COMES FROM.

announcer: INITIALLY, IT FELTNO WORSE THAN A MOSQUITO BITE.

BUT FOR TEN YEARS WHILE CARSONWAS SERVING HIS CONSTITUENTS

AND SERVICING GISELE,

THE SMALL PROTOZOA HIBERNATEDIN THE FIBERS OF HAROLD'S

HEART MUSCLEAND CONTINUED TO REPRODUCE.

- CHAGAS DISEASE AFFECTS 8TO 10 MILLION PEOPLE WORLDWIDE.

20% OF THOSE 8 TO 10 MILLIONWILL SUCCUMB TO IT.

THE HEART WILL BEATIN A CERTAIN RHYTHMIC PATTERN.

WHEN YOU GET AN ARRHYTHMIA,

THIS IS A DISRUPTIONOF THAT PATTERN.

IT WILL NOT ACTAS A PROPER PUMP,

AND THIS WILL CAUSECARDIAC ARREST AND DEATH.

announcer: CARSON HAROLDWAS A CORRUPT POLITICIAN

WHO ENJOYED THE PERKS AND PORKSOF HIS POSITION.

HE WAS LIVING LARGEON THE TAXPAYERS' DIME...

- THAT'S PERFECT.

announcer: UNTIL A TINY BUGPOPPED HIS BUBBLE

AND TURNED HIMINTO THE LEADING CANDIDATE...

FOR DEATH.

IT ALL COMES TUMBLING DOWNFOR TWO CRACKHEADS...

UP NEXT.

- YOU DON'T EVER TELL METHE TRUTH!

- WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT?- YOU'RE ALWAYS LYING!

announcer:DON'T BE FOOLED BY THESE TWO.

- YOU SMOKED IT.- YOU SMOKED IT, DIDN'T YOU?

YOU SMOKED IT, DIDN'T YOU?- DON'T HIT ME.

announcer: DARNELL AND ANITAWEREN'T JUST CRACK ADDICTS,

THEY WERECOLD-BLOODED KILLERS.

- I HEAR IT CALLING ME.YOU SMOKED IT.

announcer: THEY WERE WANTEDFOR A STRING OF MURDER/ROBBERIES

TO FEED THEIR HABIT.

THEY HAVE BEEN HOLED UPIN A FIVE-DAY CRACK BINGE

IN A HIDDEN CORNEROF AN ABANDONED BUILDING.

- ANYBODY IN HERE?

- WHAT WAS THAT?

announcer: WHEN THEY WEREN'TTOO HIGH TO NOTICE ACTIVITY

IN THE BUILDING,

THEY ALWAYS SCURRIEDINTO A CORNER

AT THE SOUNDOF SOMEONE APPROACHING.

- HELLO?

announcer:BIG MISTAKE THIS TIME.

THE BUILDING WAS SCHEDULEDFOR DEMOLITION THAT DAY.

[drill whirring]

THE 12-STORY BUILDINGWAS PRIMED

WITH 100 POUNDSOF SHAPED PLASTIC EXPLOSIVES

ON CRITICALSUPPORT ELEMENTS.

- ANYBODY IN HERE?

announcer: HOW DID ANITAAND DARNELL AVOID DETECTION?

- WHEN A TEAM COMES INTO IMPLODE A BUILDING,

THEY WILL HAVE SECURITY THERE

BOTH WHEN THEY'REON SITE WORKING

AND DURINGTHE NIGHTTIME HOURS.

LIKE SECURITYAT ANY OTHER BUILDING,

THERE'S A POSSIBILITY,

PARTICULARLYDURING THE NIGHTTIME HOURS,

THAT SOMEONE COULD BYPASSTHE SECURITY,

SNEAK OVER A FENCE,

UH, GET IN THROUGHAN OPEN WINDOW

OR AN UNLOCKED DOOR.

- HE'S GONE.

announcer:WITH THE WORKER GONE,

ANITA BROUGHT OUT SOME CRACKTO CELEBRATE.

- I TOLD YOU IT WAS HERE.- I FOUND IT.

announcer: BUT THIS TIME,THEY WERE ABOUT TO EXPERIENCE

MUCH MORE OF A RUSHTHAN THEY EVER IMAGINED.

EXPLOSIVES WERE DETONATED

IN CAREFULLY COORDINATEDEXPLOSIONS

THAT COLLAPSED THE BUILDINGIN ON ITSELF.

DARNELL AND ANITAWERE DIRECTLY IN THE PATH

OF 100 TONS OF RUBBLE.

IN A SPLIT SECOND...

THEY WERE FLATTENEDAND FLATLINED.

- WHEN THESE TWO INDIVIDUALSWERE CRUSHED BY THE 100 TONS,

THE MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF WEIGHTTHAT THE BODY HAD TO TAKE

DESTROYED EVERY VITAL ORGANIN THE BODY.

BLOOD VESSELS TORE UP,THE LUNGS SHUT DOWN.

THEIR DEATHWAS NEAR INSTANTANEOUS.

announcer: DARNELL AND ANITAWERE HARDENED CRIMINALS

WHO LOVED CRACK.

- I FOUND IT.

announcer:TOO BAD, BECAUSE THIS TIME,

THEIR HABITDIDN'T JUST KILL...

IT CRUSHED.

Captioning by CaptionMaxwww.captionmax.com

- ♪ IT'S ORIGINAL

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