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Better Them Than Us

Season 3, Ep 20 11:08

It’s hard out there for a Russian pimp; gang bangers play doctor; a pyromaniac gets burned.

- GENTLEMEN,SELECT YOUR WEAPONS.

announcer:WE'RE BACK IN 1775.

JIM IS ABRITISH CAPTAIN.

HE'S ABOUT TO DUELWITH AN AMERICAN PATRIOT.

- HANG ON, GUYS.- WAIT, DON'T MOVE.

announcer:BUT IT'S NOT REALLY 1775.

- STEP THAT WAYFOR A MINUTE.

announcer:IT'S 2005.

- CAMERAS ROLLING.

announcer:AND IT'S A SCENE BEING SHOT

FOR A LOW BUDGET MOVIEABOUT THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR.

[gun fires]

- CUT!THAT'S A CUT.

COME ON, PEOPLE, WE'RELOSING LIGHT HERE, LET'S GO!

- [speaks indistinctly]

announcer:SAMUEL PLAYS THE LEAD,

THE HEROIC AMERICAN.

IN THIS NEXT SCENE,SAMUEL IS SUPPOSED TO DUEL

WITH HISBRITISH ENEMY, JIM.

AND KILL HIM.

- ACTION.

- LONG LIVEHIS MAJESTY THE KING.

- LONG LIVEOUR NEW REPUBLIC.

- JIM, CAN YOU DO ITA LITTLE MORE SNEERING,

AND A LITTLEMORE ARROGANT?

- YES.

- OKAY, TOM.WE'RE READY.

announcer:BUT JIM IS NOT HAPPY.

HE THOUGHT HE WASGOING TO GET THE LEADING ROLE,

BUT HIS ACTING WAS AS BADAS HIS FIVE-DOLLAR WIG.

- ACTION.

- LONG LIVEHIS MAJESTY THE KING.

- LONG LIVEOUR NEW REPUBLIC.

announcer: THE LOW RENTPRODUCTION COMPANY

SHOULD HAVE DONEBETTER BACKGROUND CHECKS

ON ITS ACTORS.

IF THEY HAD,THEY WOULD HAVE KNOWN

JIM HAD A CRIMINAL RECORDAS BIG AS HIS EGO.

HE SECRETLY FILLED THE CHAMBERWITH A REAL LEAD BALL.

SAMUEL'S DEATH WOULD BESEEN AS AN ACCIDENT,

AND THE ROLEWOULD BE HIS.

- THE FLINTLOCK PISTOL WASA VERY SIMPLE MECHANISM.

YOU PUT THEPOWDER CHARGE IN,

YOU PUT A BALLON TOP OF IT.

WHATEVER THECALIBER WAS.

CLOSE THE PRISM,WHICH IGNITED THE POWDER.

- [indistinct]

- SET.

- ACTION!

- AND ONE.

announcer:THEY COUNTED OFF THEIR PACES.

- TWO.

- THREE.- THREE.

announcer: SOON, JIMWOULD HAVE THE STAR'S TRAILER.

- FOUR.- FIRE.

- AAH!- OH!

- OH, NO!CUT, CUT, CUT!

- [screaming]

announcer:LOOKS LIKE HIS PLAN BACKFIRED.

THE JEALOUS ACTORMADE A FATAL ERROR

WHEN LOADINGHIS PISTOL.

HE USED WAYTOO MUCH GUNPOWDER.

WHEN JIM PULLEDTHE TRIGGER,

THE PISTOL BECAMEA DEADLY HAND GRENADE.

EXCESSIVE POWDERBLEW UP THE BARREL,

BLEW UPHIS HAND,

AND SHRAPNEL FROM THE BARRELCUT DEEPLY INTO HIS LEG.

SEVERING HISFEMORAL ARTERY.

- A PERSON WHO HAS HIS HANDBLOWN OFF FROM AN INJURY

WOULD SUFFERSOME BLOOD LOSS.

NOT MAJOR.

THIS POOR GUY DIEDBECAUSE OF

THE CUTTING OFHIS FEMORAL ARTERY,

WHICH RESULTED IN BLOOD LOSSFROM HIS HEART

GOING TO HISLOWER EXTREMITY.

AND THATCAUSES DEATH.

announcer: JIM WASDESPERATE TO BE A BIG STAR.

- LONG LIVEHIS MAJESTY THE KING.

announcer: AND WOULD KILLTO GET THAT LEADING ROLE.

IN THE END,HIS DEATH SCENE WAS--

[gun fire]

- [screaming]- OH, NO!

CUT, CUT, CUT!

announcer:VERY BELIEVABLE.

[police sirens wailing]

announcer:GANGBANGING IN ALBUQUERQUE

IS NO JOKE.

AS A GATEWAY TOWNFOR ILLEGALS--

- COME ON,WAKE UP!

announcer: THE LEVEL OFCRIMINAL VIOLENCE IS HIGH.

- LET'S GO, WE GOTTA GETHIM TO A DOCTOR, MAN.

announcer:THE ONLY ONE THESE CHOLOS

COULD TAKEHIM TO...

[knock on door]

announcer:WAS A GUY KNOWN AS MR. STITCHES.

- GET IN.GET IN, BOY.

- COME ON,COME ON IN.

- AN EX-DOCTOR WHOLOST HIS LICENSE AFTER

HAVING SEX WITH HISANAESTHISIZEDPATIENTANAESTHETIZED.

- GET HIM OVER HERE.OKAY.

- [distorted voice]THESE GANG MEMBERS,

THEY DON'T WANT TO DEALWITH THE HOSPITALS

AND POLICEAND LAW ENFORCEMENTS.

SO, YOU KNOW,I'M THE GUY.

I DEAL WITHGUNSHOT WOUNDS.

LACERATIONS.STAB WOUNDS.

I'VE SEEN A GUY COME IN THEREWITH HIS HEAD CRUSHED.

I DO AVERY GOOD JOB.

SO AS LONG AS I'MDOING A GOOD JOB,

NOBODY'S MESSING WITH ME.

- COME ON, MAN.I NEED MY HOMEBOY ALIVE!

OR YOU AIN'TGONNA GET PAID!

- JUST SHUT UP,AND LET ME DO MY JOB!

- YOU TRYIN' TOGET CRAZY WITH ME?

NOBODY TALKSTO ME LIKE THAT!

- HEY WHATARE YOU DOING?

YOU JUST KNOCKED OUTTHE DOCTOR, EDDIE!

- WE'LL DO IT OURSELVES.GIVE ME THAT TUBE, ESE.

COME ON, DON'T TRIP.

announcer:EDUARDO HAD SEEN

HIS SHARE OF ER RE-RUNS.

IF STITCHES COULD SHOVE A TUBEDOWN ENRIQUE'S THROAT,

WHY COULDN'T HE?

- YEAH, I GOT IT, MAN,I GOT IT.

JUST TURN IT ON,TURN ON THE MACHINE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOINGOVER THERE, MAN?

- I DON'T KNOW HOW TOWORK THIS THING, HOLMES.

- OH!

- WHAT'S HAPPENING?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'SGOING ON, MAN.

[blood splattering]

announcer:THAT'S WHY.

- COME ON, MAN.

- ESOPHAGEAL INTUBATIONSARE ACTUALLY

A RELATIVELYCOMMON MISTAKE,

IN THE HANDS OFAN UNTRAINED INDIVIDUAL.

BECAUSE THE ESOPHAGUSIS LOCATED BEHIND THE TRACHEA,

WHERE THE TUBE ISSUPPOSED TO GO.

UNLIKE THE LUNGS,THE STOMACH HAS NO WAY

OFEXPELLING AIR.

IF YOU DON'TPULL IT OUT IN TIME,

THE STOMACH CANBLOW UP LIKE A BALLOON.

announcer:ENRIQUE THOUGHT SNEAKING

INTO THIS COUNTRY ANDLEADING A LIFE OF CRIME

WAS AGOOD IDEA.

- YOU JUST KNOCKED OUTTHE DOCTOR, EDDIE!

announcer:HEY, ENRIQUE.

THIS IS WHY THEYCALL IT GANG...

- OH, HELL NO!

[blood splattering]

announcer: BANG.

THIS IS A STORYABOUT A KING.

AND A PEASANT.

IN 560 B.C., PHALARISRULED OVER THE GREEK EMPIRE.

PERILAUS WAS ASIMPLE BRONZE WORKER.

THE KING LIVED LIKE...

A KING.

PERILAUS WANTED SOMEOF THE GOOD LIFE TOO.

SO HE PRAYEDTO THE GODS.

- [speaking Greek]

announcer:AND ZEUS ANSWERED.

[thunder claps]

- [yelling in Greek]

announcer: PHALARIS WAS ALWAYSLOOKING FOR NEW AND CRUELER WAYS

TO TORTURE AND KILLHIS ENEMIES.

PERILAUS HAD THE ANSWER.

A BRONZE BULL,IN WHICH AN ENEMY

COULD BE PLACED INSIDE,HEATED UP, AND COOKED.

- [laughing]

announcer: STEAM FROM THEVICTIM'S BODILY FLUIDS

WOULD MAKE THE BULLWHISTLE...LIKE A TEAPOT.

[steam whistling

- THE BRAZEN BULLWAS A LARGE BULL,

1 1/2 TIMESTHE SIZE OF A COMMON COW.

AND IT WAS MADE BASICALLYTO PRESSURE COOK SOMEONE.

VICTIMS WOULD BE PLACEDINTO THE BELLY OF THE BULL,

ANDLOCKED INSIDE.

THEN A FIRE WOULD BEBUILT UNDER THE BULL.

ESSENTIALLY COOKING THEVICTIM ALIVE INSIDE OF IT.

AND IT WAS A HORRIBLE, SLOW,TEDIOUS DEATH INSIDE THIS THING.

announcer:AFTER LABORING LONG AND HARD,

PERILAUS WAS READY TOSHOW OFF HIS INVENTION.

[cheers and applause]

announcer:IF HE SOLD THE KING ON HIS BULL,

THE GOOD LIFE WOULDBE HIS TO ENJOY.

- LOOK AT THIS!

- [laughing]

announcer: BUT PHALARIS WASNOTORIOUSLY UNPREDICTABLE.

WHEN IT CAME TIME TO TEST DRIVETHE GIANT PRESSURE-COOKER,

THE KING DIDN'T LOOK TOO FARFOR ITS FIRST VICTIM.

- GUARDS, SEIZE HIM!- NO!

NO, COME ON!PLEASE, NO!

NO, NO!

[crying]

announcer: BURNING COALSPUT THE PEDAL TO THE KETTLE.

- [screaming]

announcer:AND SLOWLY BROUGHT

THE TEMPERATURE INSIDE TOA TOGA-ROASTING 900 DEGREES.

- [screaming]

announcer:AT 150 DEGREES,

PERILAUS COULDBARELY BREATHE.

AS THE TEMPERATUREROSE ABOVE 200 DEGREES,

HIS ENTIRE BODY,WHICH IS MADE UP OF 70% WATER,

STARTED TO BOIL.

[steam whistling]

announcer: FINALLY...

- [laughing]

announcer:HIS DEATH KNELL CAME

IN THE FORM OF AHIGH-PITCHED WHISTLE.

- THIS MAN DIEDAT AROUND 150 DEGREES.

INSIDE THE BULL.

THE AIR GOT SO HOTTHAT HE COULDN'T BREATHE.

IT WAS ACTUALLYBURNING HIS LUNGS.

SECOND, MOST OF USARE MADE UP OF WATER.

HIS BLOOD IS BOILING.

HE'S GONNA EXPLODEALL OVER THE INSIDE

OF THATBRAZEN BULL.

announcer: PERILAUSWANTED MORE OUT OF LIFE.

- [speaking Greek]

announcer:HE TRIED TO IMPRESS THE KING.

- NO!

announcer:AND WOUND UP...

COOKING HISOWN GOOSE.

[steam whistling]

announcer:AND THAT'S NO BULL.

announcer: TINA AND SASHAARE RUSSIAN PROSTITUTES

WHO WORK FOR ANASTY PIMP NAMED DMITRI.

- [speaking Russian]

announcer: HE KEPT THEMUNDER LOCK AND KEY

UNTIL THEIRSERVICES WERE NEEDED.

NO MATTER WHATCOUNTRY YOU WORK IN,

THE PIMP GAMEIS ALWAYS THE SAME.

- WELL, THE NATURE OFA PIMP IS TO GET MONEY.

BOTTOM LINEIS DOLLAR SIGN.

SO WE WAKE UPTHINKING ABOUT

SENDING A HOOUT THE DOOR.

TO GETSOME MORE.

HERE IN AMERICA, WHEREA WOMAN CHOOSES TO BE WITH US,

SHE CAN COMEAND GO AT WILL.

AS OPPOSEDTO RUSSIA.

I THINK IT'S MORE OFA FORCED TYPE OF SITUATION.

announcer:IT WAS SASHA'S TURN

TO GETHER JOHN ON.

BUT BEFORE DMITRICOULD GET IN THE CAR--

[loud crash,breaking glass]

- AAH!

[loud crash,breaking glass]

announcer:THE FREAKIEST RAINSTORM

IN MOSCOW'S HISTORYCAME DOWN HARD

ON THEABUSIVE PIMP.

- AAH!

announcer:DMITRI HAD JUST FALLEN VICTIM

TO A CLOUD SEEDINGEXPERIMENT GONE BAD.

- CLOUD SEEDING IS PURSUEDBY GOVERNMENT AGENCIES.

TO ALTER THE RATEAT WHICH RAIN IS PRODUCED.

THE TWO MOST COMMONSUBSTANCES USED

ARE DRY ICE,AND SILVER IODIDE.

IT CAUSES THE LIQUID WATERTO FREEZE ON CONTACT.

announcer: RUSSIA WAS IN THEMIDST OF A TERRIBLE DROUGHT.

THE GOVERNMENT WASSO DESPERATE FOR RAIN,

THEY TRIEDA NEW TECHNIQUE,

BY THROWING BAGS OFQUICK DRY CEMENT INTO THE MIX.

THE IDEA WAS,IT WOULD HELP

THE BONDING PROCESSIN FORMING ICE CRYSTALS.

THE EXPERIMENTWAS A FAILURE.

HOUSES, CARS,AND DMITRI'S SKULL...

GOT POUNDEDINTO A PULP.

BY CHUNKS OF CONCRETEINSTEAD OF RAIN.

DMITRI'S STRANGEAND IMPROBABLE DEATH

PROVED ONE THING.

EVEN IN MOSCOW,

[speaking Russian]

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