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Up With Death

A hot nurse strips down; two trippers get needled; a biker chick goes down; a French maid fries her boss.

[typewriter clicking]

"I WENT TO A FIGHTAND A HOCKEY GAME BROKE OUT."

[buzzer blares]

IT'S AN OLD JOKE

WITH A LOT OF TRUTH IN IT.

MARIO ONCE HAD DREAMSOF TURNING PRO,

BUT NOW HE WAS JUST ANOTHER30-SOMETHING WEEKEND WARRIOR

PLAYING CITY LEAGUE HOCKEY.

BUT THAT DIDN'T KEEP HIMFROM PUTTING THE HURT ON

AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE.

- GOTTA BE MEAN.THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT.

IT'S A GAME OF TOUGHNESS,IT REALLY IS.

PEOPLE LOVE THATABOUT HOCKEY.

95% OF THE GAME IS WONTHROUGH TOUGHNESS

AND BEING ROUGH ANDNOT BEING AFRAID AT ALL.

announcer: EVEN IN PRACTICE,

MARIO COULDN'T RESISTDROPPING THE HAMMER

ON HIS OWN TEAMMATES.

- DUDE, SAME TEAM, MAN!SAME TEAM!

announcer: MAYBE HE WASBITTER ABOUT NEVER MAKING IT.

MAYBE IT WASJUST PART OF HIS GAME.

OR MAYBE,LIKE MOST THOUGHT,

MARIO WAS JUST A MEANAND NASTY SON OF A BITCH.

[crash]

WHATEVER IT WAS,

EVERYONE HAD GROWN TIREDOF HIS CHEAP SHOTS.

- YOU'RE A HACK, BUDDY!

announcer:SO WHEN ANOTHER FLYING ELBOW

WOUND UPIN A TEAMMATE'S FACE...

- COME ON, MAN!WANT TO GO?

announcer:THE GLOVES CAME OFF.

- YOU CANNOT BACK DOWN.

THE SCARIEST GUY ISNOT THE BIGGEST, TOUGHEST GUY.

THE SCARIEST GUYIS THE GUY WHO'S WILLING

TO LITERALLY DIEDURING THIS FIGHT.

announcer: HOCKEY FIGHTSARE USUALLY HARMLESS,

BUT THIS TIME,MARIO WASN'T SO LUCKY.

HIS TEAMMATE WENT DOWN,HIS SKATE CAME UP,

AND THE SHARP EDGEOF THE BLADE

SLICED RIGHT THROUGHMARIO'S CAROTID ARTERY.

- [groaning]

- HOCKEY BLADESARE VERY DANGEROUS WEAPONS

IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

IF ONEOF THESE HOCKEY BLADES

SLICES THROUGHHIS CAROTID ARTERY,

JUGULAR VEIN, DEATH ISMOST LIKELY INSTANTANEOUS,

WITHIN MINUTES.

[players shouting]

- ALL OF US LIKE TO SEE

A LITTLE BIT OF BLOODDURING HOCKEY.

YOU KNOW, IT'S ALMOSTLIKE YOU'RE A GLADIATOR

BACK IN ROME.

YOU KNOW,PEOPLE LOVE IT.

announcer: MARIONEVER MADE IT TO THE PROS...

BUT IN THE END,

[buzzer blares]

HE SURE LEFT HIS MARK.

[typewriter clicking]

announcer: GOMERWAS A LOWLIFE STICKUP MAN,

BUT THE STICK,ALONG WITH HIS HEAD,

WAS UP SOMEWHERE ELSE.

HE DIDN'T HAVE ANY BRAINS,BUT HE DID HAVE A GUN,

AND THAT MADE GOMERDANGEROUS...

TO HIMSELF.

TODAY WAS A SPECIAL DAYFOR GOMER.

HE JUST GOT OFF PAROLE

FOR HIS LAST FAILEDSTICKUP ATTEMPT.

IT WAS TIME TO GIVE ITANOTHER SHOT.

HIS TARGET,A JEWELRY STORE.

HE THREW A RIDICULOUS-LOOKINGFISHNET STOCKING

OVER HIS HEAD...

DREW HIS GUN...

AND PROMPTLY WALKEDINTO THE WRONG STORE.

- THIS IS A STICKUP!

announcer: VERY WRONG.

[cocks gun]

INSTEAD OF A JEWELRY STORE,

GOMER FOUND HIMSELFHOLDING A GUN

ON A GUN SHOP.

- MOST GUYS IN GUN STORES,

BECAUSE THEY ARE AFRAIDOF BEING ROBBED,

THEY'RE GONNA BE ARMED--ALL LEGAL.

WHEN THIS GUY WALKED IN,

HE WALKED INTO THE WORSTPOSSIBLE SITUATION HE COULD.

IT'S NOT SURPRISINGHE GOT A HAIL OF BULLETS

FROM THE OTHER SIDEOF THE ROOM.

announcer: HE TOOKSEVEN SHOTS IN ALL,

BUT IT ONLY TOOK ONETO KILL HIM.

[gunshot]

- KILL SHOT HAS TO BETHE RIGHT BULLET

WITH THE RIGHT VELOCITY

IN THE MOST APPROPRIATELOCATION.

THROUGH THE HEARTIS PROBABLY THE MOST DEVASTATING

SUDDEN KILL SHOT,

BECAUSE YOU HAVEA SUDDEN DROP

IN CARDIAC OUTPUT.

YOU HAVE NO CIRCULATION,

AND LITERALLYWITHIN SECONDS,

THE PERSON IS GONE.

announcer:GOMER'S LAST STICKUP

WAS HIS LAST ACTON EARTH...

BUT HIS FAME LIVES ON.

ON THE INTERNET,THE GUN SHOP SECURITY CAM VIDEO

HAS TWO MILLION HITSAND COUNTING.

[typewriter clicking]

[speaking Russian]

announcer: SINCE 1986,

A NUCLEAR POWER PLANTMELTDOWN

HAS MADE CHERNOBYL, RUSSIA,

THE NUMBER ONE HOT SPOTIN THE WORLD,

AS IN RADIATION.

- THE CHERNOBYL ACCIDENTPROBABLY RELEASED

ABOUT 400 TIMESMORE RADIATION

THAN WHAT HAPPENED, SAY,IN HIROSHIMA.

40 TONS OF NUCLEAR MATERIALIN THE REACTOR

IS SPEWED OUT,

AND THE IMMEDIATE AREA

BECOMES CONTAMINATEDWITH RADIOISOTOPES.

- AH!

announcer: THE ONLY PEOPLETO BE FOUND THERE ARE SOLDIERS,

AND THE ONLY SOLDIERSSTATIONED THERE

ARE TOTAL SCREW-UPS.

VLADIMIR, MIKHAIL, AND SONIA

ARE THE RUSSIAN VERSIONOF F TROOP...

AS IN F'D UP.

[speaking Russian]

announcer: THINGS WERE GETTINGHOTTER IN THE HOT ZONE.

all: [laughing]

announcer:SONIA WAS LIQUORED UP

AND READY FOR ACTION.- OOH!

announcer:BUT NOT WITH MIKHAIL.

- OOH!

- [giggling]

announcer: IT WASSURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST.

IF MIKHAILCOULDN'T HAVE SONIA,

HE'D HAVE TO FIT ITINTO SOMETHING ELSE.

SO WHEN HE SPIEDA LONELY RACCOON

ON THE EDGEOF THE FOREST,

IT WAS GAME ON.

- A MAN WHO MIGHT CONSIDERBESTIALITY

WOULD POSSIBLY ALREADY HAVETHOSE KINDS OF FANTASIES

IN A SOBER STATE OF MIND,

BUT NOW,ON TOP OF THAT,

BEING INTOXICATED,

HE'S MORE LIKELY TO HAVELESS IMPULSE CONTROL

AND TO ACT UPONTHOSE URGES AND DESIRES.

[raccoon squeaks]

announcer:THE DRUNKEN SOLDIER

RAN OFFWITH HIS COON-TANG.

- [moaning][raccoon squeaking]

announcer: BUT THINGSWERE ABOUT TO GET ROCKY

FOR THESE TWO LOVERS.

- RACCOONS AREVERY AGGRESSIVE ANIMALS.

THEY ARE TERRITORIAL.

THEY HAVE40 VERY SHARP TEETH

THAT THEY'RE GONNA USETO PROTECT THEMSELF,

AND THEY ARE COMMONLY KNOWNTO BITE.

[chomp]- [screaming]

announcer: AND BITE IT DID.

- [screaming]

announcer:IN ONE VICIOUS CHOMP,

THE PRIVATE'S PARTS

WOUND UP IN THE MOUTHOF THE RACCOON,

AND MIKHAIL'S BLOODWENT "RUSSIAN"

RIGHT OUT OF HIS BODY.

- [screams]

- IT'S NOT JUST THE BLOOD LOSSTHAT KILLS YOU,

BUT THE OTHER ASPECTSOF THAT TRAUMA.

ARRHYTHMIAS, BLOOD ACCUMULATINGAROUND THE HEART

AND SQUEEZING THE HEART,

SO THERE ARE A NUMBEROF DIFFERENT FACTORS

THAT RESULT IN DEATH.

announcer: PRIVATE MIKHAILLEARNED THE HARD WAY.

IT'S NOT NICETO SCREW MOTHER NATURE.

- [screaming]

SHE JUST MIGHT BITE BACK.

Captioning by CaptionMaxwww.captionmax.com

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