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Grave Errors

Katrina looters get a shock; a mistress loses face; a cell phone user gets disconnected.

announcer: DR. STELGISWAS A BRILLIANT VIROLOGIST

WHO PRACTICALLYLIVED IN HIS LAB.

- FIVE DAY, 3, 9.

announcer:HE AND HIS ASSISTANT DEIRDRE

HAD BEEN WORKINGON A NEW VACCINE FOR MONTHS.

- HEAD AND NECK, CLEAR.

announcer:RECENTLY, THEY PERFORMED

A NEW KIND OF EXPERIMENT.

- NICE WATCH.

- WOULD YOU STOP?

- WHAT?YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT.

I CAN SEE IT.

[heavy breathing]

- GOOD BILATERAL MOVEMENT.

GRADE THREE SYSTOLIC.

announcer: DEIRDRE WAS EAGERTO CONTINUE THEIR RESEARCH.

- SO I WAS THINKING MAYBE

WE COULD GET TOGETHERAGAIN THIS WEEKEND.

announcer:DR. STELGIS, HOWEVER,

HAD A DIFFERENT OPINIONABOUT THEIR...BREAKTHROUGH.

- IT'S OVER, OKAY?

WE WORK TOGETHER.

- IT'S NOT OVER.

[car horn honking]announcer: STELGIS ENDED IT...

AND HEADED BACK TO HIS LIFEAND HIS WIFE.

- THE BITCH!

I'M GONNA DESTROY YOU!

announcer:BUT HELL HATH NO FURY

LIKE A LAB ASSISTANT SCORNED.

- [shouting indistinctly]

YOU STUPID...DIRTY...

AAH!

OHH! AAH!

AAH! AAH!

announcer: DEIRDRE GRABBEDSODIUM AZIDE,

AN EXTREMELY VOLATILE,INORGANIC COMPOUND.

- IN THE PRESENCE OF WATER,

IT CONVERTS TO HYDROGEN AZIDE.

THIS HYDROGEN AZIDE IS ITSMOST POTENT TOXIC FORM,

IN WHICH IT CANVIOLENTLY REACT.

UM, IN THE PRESENCEOF METALS,

IT ACTUALLY CAN DETONATE.

AND IT'S USED, ACTUALLY,AS DETONATORS FOR BOMBS.

announcer: THE METAL SINKWAS FILLED WITH WATER

AND CHEMICALS.

WHEN THE BREAKER EXPLODED,

DEIRDRE BECAME IMMERSEDIN A CLOUD OF DEADLY TOXIC GAS.

- AAH!

announcer: IT SEARED THE SKINRIGHT OFF HER FACE...

- [screaming and gasping]

announcer:AND THEN SHREDDED HER LUNGS.

- [wheezing]

[thud]

- IN THIS CIRCUMSTANCE,WITH THE EXPOSURE TO

AND INHALATION OFSODIUM AZIDE,

BURNING OFTHE AIRWAYS OCCURRED,

RESULTING IN SWELLINGOF THE AIRWAYS

AND FLUID ACCUMULATINGIN THE LUNGS.

DEATH WAS LIKELY DUETO RESPIRATORY FAILURE.

announcer: DEIRDRE COULDN'TKEEP HER LAB COAT ON.

- DESTROY YOU!

announcer: SHE COULDN'T KEEPHER JEALOUSY IN CHECK.

[glass shatters]

- OHH! AAH!

announcer: AND THEN THE WHOLETHING BLEW UP...

RIGHT IN HER FACE.

ARE YOU HARD UP FOR CASH?

DO YOU NEED A LOAN?

GO TO A BANK.

JUST DON'T BORROWFROM THESE GUYS.

- HEY, CHARLES!

HUH? YOU'RE A TOUGH MANTO FIND!

- HEY!

- HUH? YOU DON'T RETURNMY PHONE CALLS.

- HEY, I'VE BEEN BUSY.I'M WORKING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

announcer: TONY AND NICKWERE LOAN SHARKS

WHO PREYED ON THOSEADDICTED TO GAMBLING.

LIKE CHARLES.- HEY.

announcer: HE WAS WILLINGTO RISK EVERYTHING.

- WE HAVE TO HAVEA LITTLE TALK

ABOUT THE TEN GRANDYOU OWE ME.

- ILLEGAL SPORTS GAMBLINGAND LOAN SHARKING

ARE PRETTY MUCHTHE SAME THING.

WE'RE GIVING YOUA LITTLE BIT OF MONEY

TO PLAY WITH,BUT WE WANT OUR MONEY BACK,

AND WE'RE GONNA--WE WANT IT WITH INTEREST.

THE POINT SPREADS ARE,YOU KNOW,

ONE POINT, TWO POINTS,THREE POINTS.

IT VARIES SO MUCH.

SO IT'S NOT REALLY A SET,FIXED RATE.

IF THEY DON'T PAY YOU BACK,

YOU CAN GO THROUGHYOUR OWN MEANS

TO GET YOUR MONEYWITHOUT THE COURTS.

- COME ON DOWN, CHARLES!

announcer: CHARLES WASN'TGOING ANYWHERE.

HE WAS SAFERIGHT WHERE HE WAS.

- OH, COME ON, MAN.JUST GIVE ME ONE WEEK.

YOU KNOW I'M GOOD FOR IT.

- WHAT'D HE SAY?ONE WEEK?

WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY?

WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE,A CHARITY?

announcer: BUT TONY AND NICKDIDN'T FEEL LIKE

WAITING A WEEK.

THEY WANTED THEIR MONEY NOW.

ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

AND SINCE CHARLESWASN'T COMING DOWN,

TONY WAS GOINGTO GET HIM DOWN.

- HEH, HEY!NO, NO, NO!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN?

announcer: HE WENT TO CUTTHE HYDRAULIC LINE.

- COME ON! HEY!

[spraying]

- AAH! AAH!

[splat]

announcer: AND WITHIN SECONDS,

TONY'S CAREERAS A LOAN SHARK

WAS CUT SHORT.

HEY, HE WAS A LOAN SHARK,

NOT A SCISSOR LIFT OPERATOR.

- WHEN OUR GUY CUTSTHE HYDRAULIC LINE,

THE ENTIRE WEIGHTOF THIS LIFT,

WHICH IS TONSOF METAL AND STEEL,

COMES CRASHING DOWN

AND SCISSORS HIS NECK,

CRUSHING HIS WINDPIPE,CUTTING THROUGH THE MUSCLE,

CRUSHING THE BONE,

CUTTING OFF THE CAROTIDARTERIES THAT GO TO HIS BRAIN.

AND THEN SEVERINGRIGHT THROUGH HIS SPINAL CORD.

HE DIES FROM LACK OF BLOOD,

NO ENERVATION FROM HIS BRAINTO HIS BODY--

INSTANTANEOUS DEATH.

announcer: TONY WAS A TOUGH GUYWHO LOANED OUT MONEY.

- YOU DON'T RETURNMY PHONE CALLS! FINE!

announcer: BUT WHEN IT CAMETIME TO COLLECT,

TONY WOULD GETSO WORKED UP...

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN?

[spraying]

announcer: HE FINALLY JUST...

LOST HIS HEAD.

JANICE WAS EASY TO HATE.

- HELLO?

announcer: SHE TALKED NON-STOPON HER CELL PHONE,

NO MATTER WHERE SHE WAS.

- HOLD ON,MY PHONE'S RINGING.

HELLO?

announcer: SHE COULDN'T CARELESS WHO SHE ANNOYED.

- RIGHT, FINE, I'M GOINGIN THE MOVIE THEATER NOW.

[bags rattling]

- OKAY.- I'M SORRY.

- YEAH, THINK OF MEALL BY MYSELF.

YEAH.

announcer: BUT YAPPINGON HER PHONE

IN A MOVIE THEATERMADE HER A CANDIDATE

NOT FOR HATE...

- SHH!

- OH, MY GOD,IT'S JUST A PREVIEW.

announcer: BUT FOR MURDER.

- EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME.

- PEOPLE TAKE THEIR MOVIESVERY SERIOUSLY.

NOWADAYS, GOING TO THE MOVIESIS EXPENSIVE.

AND IF THAT GETS RUINED,

PEOPLE GET VERY ANGRYABOUT IT.

FIGHTS DEFINITELY DO BREAK OUTIN THE MOVIE THEATER.

MOST OF THE TIME,IT'S SOMEBODY DISTURBING

ANOTHER PERSON'SMOVIE EXPERIENCE.

UH, CELL PHONES ARE USUALLYALWAYS AT THE HEART OF IT.

- HELLO?

announcer: FINALLY,ONE OF THE AUDIENCE MEMBERS

HAD ENOUGH.

- [whispering] SHH! QUIET!

WE'RE TRYINGTO WATCH A MOVIE.

- CAN'T WATCH THE MOVIE IFYOU'RE SHOUTING AT ME, CAN YOU?

announcer: EVEN IF HE HADPULLED A GUN,

JANICE WOULD HAVEKEPT ON TALKING.

NOTHING WAS GOING TO STOPHER EXCEPT...

- YOU KNOW WHAT?I NEED ANOTHER ARM.

- SHH.- SHH! SHH! YOURSELF.

THAT'S SO ANNOYING.

YEAH, IT'S COOL.

WE SHOULD DEFINITELYHANG OUT.

YEAH. TUESDAY.

NO! [laughs]

[ping]

announcer: HER OWN PHONE.

A LITHIUM BATTERYHAS TWO SIDES,

AN ANODE, OR POSITIVE,

AND THE CATHODE,OR NEGATIVE SIDE.

THEY'RE SEPARATED BYA THIN, POLYMER SHEET.

JANICE'S BATTERYWAS DEFECTIVE

AND HAD METAL SHARDS

FLOATING IN THE ELECTROLYTELIQUID,

WHICH CREATEDA SHORT-CIRCUIT.

THIS RESULTED IN A THERMALRUNAWAY SITUATION

WHICH EVENTUALLY CAUSEDAN EXPLOSION.

[ping]

SHARDS OF PLASTIC AND METAL

TRAVELED UP HER EAR CANAL,

BROKE THROUGH THE INNER EAR,

AND EMBEDDED IN HER BRAIN.

THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGED

AND SHE IMMEDIATELYLOST CONSCIOUSNESS.

MINUTES LATER,SHE WAS JUST LIKE HER PHONE.

DEAD.

IT'S 1972, AND LIFEIS GOOD FOR BARRY.

HE WAS A SWINGIN' HAIRSTYLISTWITH A LOYAL CLIENTELE.

- IT'S AS AMAZING AS EVER!

announcer: THE REASON HE HADSO MANY RETURN CUSTOMERS...

- OH, YOU HAVEMAGIC HANDS, BARRY.

announcer:WAS THE HAPPY ENDINGS

BARRY PROVIDEDTO EVERY APPOINTMENT.

- ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANTTO GIVE ME A PRIVATE TRIM?

WHAT ARE YOU CHARGING?

announcer: ALL DAY LONG,BARRY WOULD DO THEIR DOS...

- YOU KNOW WHAT?HEAD INTO THE BACK.

announcer:THEN DO HIS CLIENTS.

- OHH.- I SHOULD HAVE BEEN A DOCTOR.

- OHH! YES.

announcer:BARRY'S IDEA OF FOREPLAY?

VODKA AND QUAALUDES,

A MUSCLE RELAXANT THAT WAS LEGALUNTIL THE EARLY '80S.

- 'LUDES WERE CALLEDLEG SPREADERS,

BECAUSE GIRLS WHO USEDTO SIT LIKE THIS...

AND THEN GIRLSWHO USED TO SIT LIKE THIS...

YOU GIVE 'EM A 'LUDE,AND THEY SAT LIKE THAT.

AND NOT ONLY DID IT ENHANCEA MAN'S,

YOU KNOW, SEXUALITY,

BUT THE KEY THING WAS

IT EXTENDED A WOMAN'S ORGASMAS WELL.

I MEAN, IT WAS A WIN-WINSITUATION FOR EVERYBODY.

- ALL RIGHT. YEAH.- OH...

- H-H-HOLD ON.- OH, MY GOD!

announcer:AT THE END OF THE DAY,

BARRY TRIED TO GET "LUDE"ONE MORE TIME.

- I SAY WE HAVEA LITTLE CONSULTATION.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?- COME ON, BABY.

- I THINK I'M GONNA GO HOME.

announcer: BUT HE WASOVER-LUDED.

- I THINK YOU NEEDTO TAKE A LITTLE NAP.

- [chuckles]

[slurring]I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

[laughing]

- ONE THING THAT YOU DO NOTWANT TO DO WITH 'LUDES

IS TO DRINK ALCOHOLIN EXCESS.

'CAUSE IF YOU DO,THERE'S A VERY, VERY GOOD CHANCE

YOU MAY NEVER WAKE UP.

[thud]

announcer: THE NEXT DAY...- BARRY?

announcer: CLIENT NUMBER THREECAME BACK

TO GIVE HIM ANOTHER SHOT,

BUT BARRY WAS TOO BURNT OUT.

- AAH!announcer: LITERALLY.

HE DIDN'T O.D.

HE JUST PASSEDOUT WITH HIS NECK

NUZZLED RIGHT UPTO HIS BURNING HOT CURLING IRON.

- BARRY!

- OUR HAIRDRESSER,

WHO WAS LOADED UPON QUAALUDES,

A DRUG THAT AFFECTS YOURCENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEM,

WAS IN A STATE OF ANESTHESIA.

HE PASSED OUT, FELL ONA HOT CURLING IRON,

FRIED HIS NECKTO THE POINT

WHERE THERE WAS SO MUCHDESTRUCTION OF THE TISSUE

THAT AIR COULD NOTGET INTO HIS LUNGS

AND HE SUFFOCATED.

HE DIED.

- BARRY!

announcer: BARRY WOULD CURLHIS LADIES' HAIR,

AND THEN THEIR TOES.

- OHH!

announcer: BUT IN THE END,

HIS BOOZE AND 'LUDESLOVE POTION

LEFT HIM TOO HOTUNDER THE COLLAR.

- AAH!

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