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Death, The New Black

A disco king hits the floor; a sauna contest gets gaseous; a perv gets busted; a pot farmer gets munchied.

- HELLO, GIRLS.- HI.

- HI.

- IT MIGHT NOT BE THE BIGGESTCONTEST IN SEATTLE,

BUT IT'S THE HOTTEST.

- WHOEVER CAN STAY IN THE SAUNATHE LONGEST IS THE WINNER, OKAY?

NUMBER ONE.

- IT'S SIMI VALLEY U'sSORORITY HOT BOX COMPETITION.

- HERE YOU GO, SWEETIE.

- ANY COED WHO WANTEDTO GET INTO A SORORITY

HAD TO BAKE THEIR BOOTYIN A SAUNA UNTIL IT BLISTERED.

THE WINNERGOT TO SKIP HELL WEEK,

WHICH WAS WORSETHAN WATERBOARDING.

- LIZ WAS A RICH KID,

BUT NOT EVEN MONEY COULD GET HEROUT OF HELL WEEK.

WINNING THE HOT BOX COULD.

- SAUNA COMPETITION BASICALLYIS JUST AN ENDURANCE CONTEST,

WHO CAN WITHSTAND THE HEATTHE LONGEST, THE MOST HEAT.

THE TEMPERATURE STARTSAT 210 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT,

ABOUT 110 DEGREES CELSIUS.

SO JUST WALKING INTO THAT

IS LIKE TAKINGA STEP UP TO THE SUN.

ONCE YOU GETINTO THAT TEMPERATURE,

YOUR BODY STARTSSWEATING A LOT, PROFUSELY,

SO IT'S VERY, VERY DANGEROUSTO GET DEHYDRATED.

- TO PREPARE,SHE ATE NOTHING

BUT BEANS AND BROCCOLIFOR A WEEK.

[flatulence]

HER STRATEGY...

TURN THE SAUNAINTO A GAS CHAMBER.

[girls coughing]

[flatulence]

LIZ'S WEAPONSOF ASS DESTRUCTION

HAD THE OTHER GIRLSSCRAMBLING FOR FRESH AIR.

- ARE YOU OKAY?

- [coughs]NO, I'M NOT OKAY.

- AS THE TEMPERATUREHIT 200 DEGREES,

IT WAS DOWN TO LIZ AND MARIA,

AN ECUADORIAN TRANSFER STUDENTWHO COULD TAKE THE HEAT.

STARTING TO REALLYEAT AT YOU, HUH?

- ELIZA-BITCH HAS ZERO SYMPATHYFOR HER SORORITY SISTER.

SHE DUG DOWN DEEP AND SQUEEZEDOUT THE BIGGEST ERUPTION

SINCE MOUNT ST. HELENS.

[flatulence]

- HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?

I...CAN'T BELIEVEYOU DID THAT.

- MARIA WAS POWDERED TOAST.

BUT TEN MINUTES LATER

SHE RAN BACK IN TO CONFRONTTHE HUMAN ASS VOLCANO...

- I HATE YOU.

- AND LIZ TOPPLED OVERLIKE A ROTTEN PINE.

- I THINK SHE'S DEAD!

- THE 230-DEGREE SAUNA

COMBINED WITHTHE HIGH WATER VAPOR DENSITY

IN THE SAUNA ITSELFWOULD HAVE CONDUCTED THE HEAT

TO THE PERSON'S BODY QUICKLY,

'CAUSING SECOND AND THIRDDEGREE BURNS ON THE SKIN,

AND IT WOULD BEMUCH MORE DIFFICULT

FOR THE SWEATTO ACTUALLY EVAPORATE.

HER CORE TEMPERATUREWOULD HAVE ROSE ABOVE 108

RATHER QUICKLY,'CAUSING HER DEATH.

- LIZ WAS AN UNGRATEFUL...

[flatulence]

STUCK UP...

SPOILED...

- HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?

- RICH KID.

[flatulence]

AND NOW SHE'S DEAD.

EXCUSE ME.

T-BONE WASA SMALL-TIME COKE DEALER...

- ENJOY YOUR NIGHT, MAN.

- WHO EMBODIED THE 1970s--

BIG HAIR,BIG SHOES, AND DISCO.

IN THE '70s, COCAINE USEHAD REACHED AN EPIDEMIC LEVEL.

- I'M FEELING GOOD.

- BIG CITIESWERE FLOODED WITH CHEAP,

CUT-DOWN COKE THAT COSTTHOUSANDS OF USERS TO OVERDOSE.

- IN THE '70s,DRUGS WERE GLAMOROUS.

THEY WERE IN EVERY CLUB.

IT WAS DANGEROUS,BUT WE DIDN'T FEEL DANGEROUS.

WE HAD THE DISCO BALLSAND THE BELL-BOTTOM PANTS

AND THE HIGH PLATFORM SHOES

AND THE SPARKLY SHIRTS.

THAT WAS A PARTOF THE FUN OF IT.

- [laughs]FEELING GOOD.

- TONIGHT, T-BONEHAD DONE SO MUCH COCAINE,

HIS HEART WAS READY TO BLOW.

T-BONE THOUGHT HE COULD BOOGIEHIS WAY OUT OF TROUBLE.

HE FIRED UP HIS PLATFORMSAND BURNED UP THE DANCE FLOOR.

FINALLY,THE BIG PIMPING COKE DEALER

DIDN'T DIE FROM AN OVERDOSE.

BUT HE DID DIE IN VEIN,

AS IN JUGULAR.

HE LOST HIS BALANCEAND CRASHED HARD

WITH HIS BLINGSLICING THROUGH HIS NECK.

- WHEN HE HIT THE FLOOR,

THE MALE SYMBOL WITH A SPEAR TIPON THE END OF IT

PENETRATED HIS NECK,

LACERATING HIS JUGULAR VEINAND HIS CAROTID ARTERY.

THE NORMAL RESTING HEART RATE

IS APPROXIMATELY70 PER MINUTE,

BUT GIVEN THE FACTTHAT OUR VICTIM

WAS ON COCAINEAND HE WAS DANCING,

HIS HEART RATE WOULD HAVE BEENSIGNIFICANTLY INCREASED.

THIS INCREASED CARDIAC ACTIVITY

WOULD HAVE CAUSED HIMTO BLEED OUT THAT MUCH QUICKER.

- FOR T-BONE,LIFE WAS JUST A PARTY.

HE DANCED TO THE BEATAND PUT ON A SHOW.

NOW HE'S A DEADBEAT,AND THAT'S FO' SHO'.

CAN YOU DIG IT?

- ♪ DISCO DEATH, DISCO DEATH

IN TODAY'SECO-CONSCIOUS WORLD,

GOING GREENIS THE WAY TO GO,

BUT FOR SOME,GROWING GREEN WAS THE ANSWER.

GREEN AS IN RIGHTEOUS,MIND-BENDING MARIJUANA.

DARYL AND EUGENEHAD RECENTLY PARTNERED UP

TO TRY THEIR HANDAT THE BIGGEST CASH CROP

IN THE UNITED STATES.

WEED BRINGS IN MORE GREEN,AS IN CASH,

THAN WHEAT AND CORN COMBINED.

TO PREVENT POACHING,

BIG-TIME POT GROWERSHIRED THEIR OWN SECURITY CREWS

TO GUARD THEIR FIELDS 24-7.

- I'M SICK OF PLAYING CARDS.

- BEING GREENHORNS,DARYL AND EUGENE

HAD TO GUARDTHEIR OWN CROP.

- WANT TO FIRE UPSOME OF THIS BUD?

[coughing]

- BUT BEING BAD BUSINESS MEN,

THEY SMOKED IT BEFORETHEY COULD EVEN SELL IT.

- WHEN SOMEONE SMOKESOR EATS MARIJUANA,

THC CROSSESINTO THE BLOODSTREAM

AND ACTIVATESA PART OF THE BRAIN

CALLED THE HYPOTHALAMUS.

AND THE HYPOTHALAMUS ISA VERY ANCIENT PART OF THE BRAIN

THAT TELLS USWHEN WE NEED TO EAT.

YOU WILL FEEL HUNGRY

WHETHER YOU'VE EVENJUST HAD A FULL MEAL,

AND THIS IS WHAT WE CALLTHE MUNCHIES.

- THEY'D BEEN OUTFOR OVER A MONTH

PROTECTING THEIR INVESTMENT,

AND THEY HAD RUN OUT OF FOOD.

- HUNGRY.

- EUGENE HAD WATCHEDTOO MANY SURVIVAL SHOWS,

AND THOUGHT GRASSHOPPERSWOULD MAKE A GOOD MEAL.

- WHAT IS THAT?

- GOT ME SOME GRASSHOPPER.

WHERE YOU'RE FROM,PEOPLE EAT THESE ALL THE TIME.

- I'M FROM SAN DIEGO.

- MORE FOR ME.

- GOING GREEN IS ONE THING.

GROWING IT ANOTHER.

BUT EATING GREEN...GRASSHOPPERS

HAD EUGENE TURNING GREEN.

THEN BLUE.- GET UP.

- AND THEN THE COLORKNOWN AS DEAD.

EUGENE DIDN'T KNOW IT,

BUT HE WAS ALLERGICTO THE PROTEIN

FOUND WITHIN THE EXOSKELETONOF GRASSHOPPERS.

HIS BODY PRODUCED HISTAMINETO COMBAT THE PROTEIN,

WHICH CAUSEDINTERNAL INFLAMMATION,

AND HE FELLINTO ANAPHYLACTIC SHOCK,

SUFFOCATED, AND DIED.

DARYL AND EUGENE TRIED TO GET INON THE GREEN REVOLUTION

BY GROWINGSOME KILLER WEED...

- [coughing]

- BUT THEN EUGENEGOT THE MUNCHIES...

- HUNGRY.

- ATE SOME CRUNCHIES...

AND WOUND UPIN THE COMPOST HEAP

CALLED DEATH.

- AFTER A DAY-LONG CONFERENCE,

WHAT DO TWOINSURANCE SALESMEN DO?

- LET'S HIT THE BAR.

- DRINK.

AND ONCE THEY'RE DRUNK,WHAT DO THEY HIT NEXT?

- OH, CHECK THAT OUT.

- A BEAUTY PAGEANT.

- WE'RE GOING IN.- HELL YEAH.

- COME ON.

- ♪ LOVELY LADIES

♪ LOVELY INSIDE AND OUT

WE'VE REACHEDTHE FINAL PORTION

OF THE 11TH ANNUALMISS INNER BEAUTY PAGEANT.

- BUT THIS PAGEANTCELEBRATED INNER BEAUTY,

AND THE CONTESTANTSWERE ALL PLUS-SIZED MODELS.

THAT EXPLAINSTHE NEARLY EMPTY ROOM.

- AND NOW WE'VE REACHEDTHE SWIMSUIT COMPETITION.

MISS DEVON.

- IN THE '40s AND '50s,

WOMEN WERE ALLOWEDTO BE MORE CURVACEOUS,

MORE WOMANLY.

THEY WERE BUSTY,THEY WERE BUXOM.

AND THEY WANTTO SEE THAT NOW, I THINK,

IT'S JUST THAT, YOU KNOW,THE WHOLE "THIN IS IN,"

YOU HAVE TO LOOKA CERTAIN WAY.

- MISS ALEGRIA.

- STEVE WAS THERE TO HAVE FUN.

- WHAT IS YOUR TALENT?

- PAUL WAS THERE TO MAKE FUN.

- EATING!

- BETH.

- [imitatesthunderous footsteps]

- HERE'S A FACETIOUS QUESTION.

IS THERE ANYTHINGMORE OBNOXIOUS

THAN A DRUNKINSURANCE SALESMAN?

- MY AMBITIONS AND GOALSARE TO HELP PEOPLE.

- WHY DON'T YOULEAVE 'EM SOME FOOD?

- YOU KNOW WHAT?WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

- FINALLY, THE PLUM PLUMPERSWERE FED UP WITH THE INSULTS.

- HELLO?WHY ARE YOU HERE?

- JUST AS THEY WERE READYTO UNLOAD ON THEIR HECKLERS,

THEIR COMBINED LOAD BROKETHE CORNER SUPPORT OF THE STAGE,

AND A HUMAN AVALANCHE WAS ON.

ALEGRIA GOT IT GOINGWITH 314 POUNDS.

BETH CONTRIBUTED ANOTHER 330.

DEVON TOPPED HIM OFFWITH HER 353.

IT ALL ADDED UPTO A BREATHTAKING,

LIFE-REMOVING 997 POUNDS

OF PULCHRITUDINOUS POUNDINGTHAT SHUT PAUL'S MOUTH FOREVER.

- THIS MAN ALL OF A SUDDEN

HAD OVER 1,000 POUNDSON HIS CHEST.

THERE WAS NO WAY HE WAS GONNABE ABLE TO CARRY THIS WEIGHT.

YOU CAN TOLERATEA REMARKABLY HEAVY

LOAD ON THE CHESTWITHOUT DYING,

HOWEVER ONCE YOU START SEEINGMORE THAN 600 POUNDS,

YOU STARTGETTING INTO TROUBLE.

THE RIBS BROKE,THE LUNGS GOT PUNCTURED,

HE WAS NO LONGER ABLETO BREATHE IN AND OUT,

AND HE SUFFOCATED TO DEATH.

- WE'RE GOING IN.

- DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUTTHE DRUNK INSURANCE SALESMAN?

- WHAT IS YOUR TALENT?- EATING!

- HIS JOKES ABOUT FAT...

[women scream]

...FELL FLAT.

Captioning by CaptionMaxwww.captionmax.com

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