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The One About Dumb People Dying

A bad start to a New Year; a cremator gets creamed; a stewardess makes an unscheduled landing.

ANDREA WASA FRUSTRATED GYMNAST,

WHO NEVER REALIZED HER DREAMOF MAKING THE U.S. OLYMPIC TEAM.

- DO YOU REALLY THINKYOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES?

announcer:NOW SHE TAKES IT OUT

ON HER FELLOWGYMNAST FRIEND SALLY.

- DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY POUNDSYOU HAVE GAINED?

announcer: THEY'RE TRAININGFOR A VEGAS STAGE SHOW

THAT INVOLVESA LOT OF GYMNASTICS.

- DOWN. DOWN.

- THE GIRLSIN WOMEN'S GYMNASTICS

CAN BE COMPLETELY CUTTHROAT.

EVERYBODY THINKSTHEY'RE THE CUTE LITTLE GIRLS

AND EVERYTHING'S BEAUTIFULAND PRETTY.

IT IS NOT THAT WAY AT ALL.

IT CAN GET DOWNRIGHT VICIOUS.

- HEY, LADIES,WE AIN'T QUITE OPEN YET.

NEED ANOTHER TEN MINUTESTILL IT'S SET UP.

- WE HAVE TO USE THISRIGHT NOW.

announcer: ANDREA WASN'T ABOUTTO LET ANYONE COME BETWEEN HER

AND HER GOALS.

- SEE YOU BEAT THAT ONE.

- IT WAS VEGAS OR BUST.

- TRY KEEPING YOUR FEET TOGETHERNEXT TIME.

announcer:WHEN THEY HIT THE TRAMPOLINE,

ANDREA LAUNCHED INTO A FULL-BOREPMS BITCH-ATHON.

- WHY DON'T YOU ACTUALLY TRYTHIS TIME?

YOU WANT TO SEEHOW TO BE A REAL GYMNAST?

WATCH ME BECAUSE THISIS HOW YOU DO IT.

announcer:AND THEN...

- [screams]

announcer:SHE STUCK HER LANDING.

SHE SHOULD HAVE LISTENEDTO THE MAINTENANCE MAN.

HE HADN'T FINISHED SETTING UPTHE UNEVEN PARALLEL BARS.

- THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT.

announcer: ANDREA CAME DOWNON IT WITH ENOUGH FORCE

TO RUN THE METAL POLEDEEP INTO HER BODY.

- [screams]

- THE METAL PIPE WENTTHROUGH HER RECTOUTERINE POUCH

AND WHAT THAT IS,THAT'S AN AREA

BETWEEN THE RECTUMAND THE UTERUS.

BLUNT-FORCE TRAUMALIKE THIS

CAN CAUSE SEVERE PERFORATIONOF THE INTERNAL ORGANS

RESULTING IN SEVERE BLEEDINGAND HEMORRHAGING,

WHICH CAN'T BE STOPPED.

AND THE PERSONWOULD LOSE CONSCIOUSNESS,

PASS OUT,HEART WOULD STOP,

AND THEY'D DIE,AND THIS COULD TAKE SECONDS.

announcer:ANDREA WAS A BITTER GYMNAST,

WHO TOOK OUT HER FRUSTRATIONSON HER FRIEND.

- WHY DON'T YOU ACTUALLY TRYTHIS TIME?

announcer: IF SALLY WASA LITTLE MEANER...

- THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT.

announcer: SHE WOULD HAVE TOLDHER FRIEND ANDREA...

TO STICK IT UPYOUR RECTOUTERINE POUCH,

BITCH.

announcer:CHINA HAS A POPULATION

OF 1.4 BILLION.

DO YOU EVER WONDERWHAT THEY DO

WITH ALL THEIR DEAD BODIES?

THEY BURN 'EM.

IN CHINA,CREMATION IS MANDATORY.

CHUNG-LEE WAS THE BOSS

AT ONEOF THE STATE-RUN CREMATORIUMS.

HE WAS ALSO A CORRUPT THIEF.

FIRST HE WOULD STRIP

A BODY OF ANYTHINGOF VALUE.

THEN IT WAS FLAME ON.

- CREMATION PROCESS BEGINSWITH AN INDUSTRIAL FURNACE

OR RETORT,WHICH IS CAPABLE

OF MAINTAINING TEMPERATURESAS HIGH

AS 2,400 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT.

THE CREMATION PROCESSIS DESIGNED

TO REDUCE HUMANOR ANIMAL REMAINS

TO ASH AND BONE FRAGMENTS.

THE AVERAGE TIMEFRAME

IS NORMALLY AROUND 100 POUNDSPER HOUR.

announcer: MR. WANG HEREWAS ABOUT TO GO ASSES TO ASHES.

TWO DAYS EARLIER,HE HAD DIED

IN WHAT WAS DETERMINEDTO BE A LIGHTNING STRIKE

BECAUSE OF THE TELLTALEBURN WOUND ON HIS CHEST.

THE HOLE IN WANG'S CHEST

WAS FAR LESS INTERESTINGTHAN THE TREASURE

IN HIS MOUTH.

BUT WHEN MR. CHUNG FINALLY PUT

THE FLAMESTO DEAD MAN WANG,

HE GOT A MOUTHFUL.

AND THEN SOME.

AN AUTOPSY WOULD HAVE UNCOVEREDTHE REAL CAUSE

OF WANG'S DEATH,AND IT WAS NOT LIGHTNING.

HE WAS HIT BY A PIECEOF A WEATHER ROCKET

THAT WAS LAUNCHED IN RESPONSE

TO A MONTH-LONG DROUGHT.

THE EXPLOSIVE CANISTERTHAT DISPERSES

RAIN-INDUCING SILVER IODIDE

FAILED TO DETONATE.

INSTEAD IT CAME HURTLING

BACK DOWN TO EARTHAND EMBEDDED ITSELF

IN WANG'S CHEST.

UNBEKNOWNST TO CHUNG,

THE EXPLOSIVE CHARGE WAS NOWBURIED DEEP IN WANG'S CHEST.

AS SOON AS THE CREMATORIUMCHAMBER FLAMED ON,

THE DETONATOR HEATED UPAND EXPLODED.

THE FORCE OF THE BLAST

BLEW THE METAL DOOROFF ITS HINGES,

SEVERING CHUNG'S HEAD.

IF CHUNG HAD ANY SENSE,

HE WOULD HAVE REMEMBEREDTHE ANCIENT CHINESE PROVERB--

"HAVE GREEDY HEART...

LOSE GREEDY HEAD."

WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?

- HERE'S MINE.

announcer: A COUPLE RETURNINGFROM A SHOPPING SPREE?

- LOOK AT THIS.- OH, MY GOD.

announcer:NOT EXACTLY.

CHARLIE AND JEVETTAARE BOTTOM-FEEDING THIEVES

WHO ROB LUGGAGEFROM AIRPORTS.

IT'S A SCAMPLAYED OUT EVERY DAY

ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY.- [sighs]

- THOUSANDS OF BAGSACROSS THE UNITED STATES

ARE STOLENFROM AIRPORTS.

BECAUSE IT'S SO EASYTO COME INTO THE AIRPORT.

NO ONE CHECKS YOU.

ONCE PEOPLE GET THEIR BAGS,

A PERSON WHO WANTS TO STEAL,

THEY'LL LOOK,SEE A NICE, FANCY BAG,

PICK IT UP, AND JUST WALKSTRAIGHT OUT OF THE DOOR.

announcer: THE TWO WENT BACKTO THEIR ROBBERS' NEST

TO TAKE A LITTLE INVENTORY.

- MM-HMM.[gasps]

announcer: SOME THEY'LL HAWK,AND SOME THEY'LL KEEP.

- OH. OH.PUT THAT ON.

announcer: OOH.WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?

A NICE IMPORTED RUM.

- OH, YEAH.

- BOTTOMS UP.

- OH.

- BABY, WE REALLY CLEANED UPTHIS TIME.

- WHOO!

[groans]IT'S GETTING HOT.

WHOO!

YAH!

- THAT SOUNDS SEXY, TIGER.

- [moans]

[grunting]

- YEAH, I CAN'T WAIT!

announcer: WHEN JEVETTA WASFINALLY READY TO HEAT IT UP...

SHE FOUND HER MANALREADY OVERHEATED.

- WHAT IS THIS?WHAT DID YOU DO?

CHARLIE.CHARLIE!

OH, MY GOD.CHARLIE!

CHARLIE!

announcer:CHARLIE HAD INADVERTENTLY

TAKEN THE BAGOF A DRUG SMUGGLER.

THAT WASN'T RUMHE JUST DRANK.

IT WAS LIQUID COCAINE.

LIQUID COCAINE IS ACTUALLYA HIGHLY-CONCENTRATED MIXTURE

OF COCAINEAND KEROSENE.

IT'S THE FINAL STEPIN THE PROCESS

BEFORE THE COCAINE'S EXTRACTED

IN THE FORM OF CRYSTALS.

CHARLIE INGESTED THE EQUIVALENTOF THREE OUNCES

OF PURE COCAINE.

THE KEROSENE PROVIDEDAN EXTRA KICK.

- WHEN YOU INGESTLIQUID COCAINE,

IT GETS TO THE NERVE ENDINGSAND CAUSES RELEASE

OF ADRENALINE.

THE CONSEQUENCEOF THIS HUGE ADRENALINE RELEASE

IS AN INCREASEIN BLOOD PRESSURE,

AN INCREASE IN HEART RATE,

A SPASM OF ARTERIES,

AND THE WAY YOU DIEIS A BIG HEART ATTACK.

announcer:CHARLIE WAS A THIEF.

HE WOUND UP STEALINGFROM A DRUG DEALER.

BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO HIMWASN'T EXACTLY CRIMINAL.

IT WAS JUSTA REALLY NASTY WAY TO DIE.

- OH, MY GOD.announcer: SORRY, CHARLIE.

- CHARLIE!

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