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Dead Wrongs

A cheerleader takes on the whole team; a sushi chef gets a raw deal; a hot mom gets a tummy ache.

- DON'T PUT YOUR PORNON MY VANITY.

- UH-OH.YOU'VE BEEN BUSTED.

- HEY, YOU!

- BUT DON'T WORRY.- AAH!

- WIPE OFF YOUR HANDSAND WATCH THIS SHOW INSTEAD.

- THIS IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT.

- WE'VE GOTA FARMER'S DAUGHTER STORY

THAT'LL BLOW YOU AWAY.

- WILDCATS, FIGHT!

- A CHEERLEADER WHO TAKES ONTHE WHOLE FOOTBALL TEAM.

- [shouting in Japanese]

A SUSHI CHEF THAT BECOMESTHE BUTT OF A BAD JOKE,

A RAVER WHO GETSA LETHAL GLOW JOB...

A PORN ADDICTWHO COMES UNDONE,

AND A TEASE WHO GETSWEAK IN THE KNEES.

[both gasp]

- SO CLEAN UP THAT MESS

AND FOLLOW THE BOUNCING BALL.

- DOUCHEBAG.

- IT'S THE NEXT EPISODEOF 1000 WAYS TO DIE.

DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.

MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT.

OTHERS CAN'T GET OUTOF ITS WAY.

EVERY DAY,WE FIGHT A NEW WAR

AGAINST GERMS, TOXINS,

INJURY, ILLNESS,

AND CATASTROPHE.

THERE'S A LOT OF WAYSTO WIND UP DEAD.

THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVEAT ALL IS A MIRACLE.

BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE,

WE FACE 1000 WAYS TO DIE.

- OKAY. GO!

WILDCATS, GO!GO!

- HIGH SCHOOL CHEERLEADERS.

IF YOU COULDHARNESS THEIR ENERGY,

THE WORLD COULD LEAVEITS LIGHTS ON...FOREVER.

- FIGHT!WILDCATS, FIGHT!

OKAY!

- WITH CHEERLEADERS, THE WORD"PERKY" IS ALWAYS CLOSE BY.

- WILDCATS, FIGHT!

- WITH PAMELA,THE WILDCATS CAPTAIN,

A DIFFERENT WORDWOULD POP UP--

- WILDCATS, FIGHT!

- "BITCH."

- OH, THAT SUCKED.

BROOKE, YOU DEFINITELY NEEDTO GO TAKE A LAP OR SOMETHING,

'CAUSE YOU AREPUTTING ON WEIGHT.

SHE WAS ABOUT AS SUPPORTIVEAS YOUR LOCAL GESTAPO.

- LACY, DID YOUEVEN PRACTICE THE MOVES?

- THE OTHER GIRLS HATED HER,

AND WERE MORE THAN HAPPYWHEN SOME COMPETITION

TO PAMELA'S REIGNOF TERROR SHOWED UP.

- HI, GIRLS.

- HI.- HER NAME WAS AMBER.

- HI. YOU SHOULD DEFINITELYTRY OUT FOR OUR TEAM.

- THANK YOU.

- IN THE TEAM ITSELF,

THERE'S COMPETITIVENESSAMONG THE GIRLS.

IT'S REALLY CUTTHROAT.

THERE'S A REAL HIGH NEEDTO BE FRONT AND CENTER

SO THAT YOU'RE NOTICED,

BECAUSE IF YOU'RE NOTICED,

PEOPLE WILL KNOW YOU'REA CHEERLEADER ON CAMPUS,

AND THAT GIVES YOUAUTHORITY ON CAMPUS.

- AMBER BECAMETHE SQUAD'S NEW FLIER.

- GO, WILDCATS, GO!

- AND THE STAR QUARTERBACK'SNEW GIRLFRIEND,

AFTER HE DUMPED HIS OLD ONE...

[animal growls]

PAMELA.

IT WAS HOMECOMING NIGHT,THE BIGGEST GAME OF THE SEASON.

- WILDCATS, FIGHT!

- PAMELA WAS SICK AND TIRED

OF BEING OUT-PERKIEDBY THE NEW GIRL.

IF AMBER WANTED TO FLY,

THAT'S OKAY BY PAMELA.

SHE JUST WON'T PLAY CATCH.

- AAH!

- OH, MY GOSH, ARE YOU OKAY?

- OH, MY GOSH,ARE YOU OKAY?

- AMBER WENT DOWN HARD,PAMELA GLOATED,

BUT THEN A RUMBLING.

- THAT LOOKED LIKE IT HURT.

- [screaming]

- NOT AS MUCHAS THE COMBINED WEIGHT

OF 4,000 POUNDSOF FOOTBALLERS

TEARING UP YOUR BODYLIKE RAW TURF.

- THE SPLEEN IS AN ORGANTHAT'S LOCATED

IN THE UPPER LEFT PORTIONOF YOUR ABDOMEN,

AND IT RECEIVES THE MAJORITYOF YOUR BLOOD FLOW.

ANY SORT OF BLUNT TRAUMA TO THEABDOMEN, TORSO, OR THIS REGION,

CAN UNFORTUNATELY FREQUENTLY'CAUSE A SPLENIC LACERATION,

AND THE RISK OF THATIS FATAL HEMORRHAGE,

EXSANGUINATION,AND DEATH.

- PAMELA WAS AS MEANAS HER SKIRT WAS PLEATED.

- DID YOU EVENPRACTICE THE MOVES?

- SHE LOST ALL HER CHEER,

AND THEN SHE GOT CLEATED.

- OH, MY GOSH!

- OH MY GOD.ARE YOU OKAY?

- CALEB AND JACOBWERE PHONIES.

WITH A STACK OF UNREAD BIBLESIN THE BACK SEAT,

THEY WOULD ROAM THE COUNTRYSIDEPOSING AS PREACHERS,

LOOKING FOR SOULS TO...SAVE.

- HALLELUJAH.

- WHEN THEY STUMBLED ONTO EMMY LOU'S FARM,

THEY THOUGHT THEY HAD REACHEDTHE PROMISED LAND.

EMMY LOU WAS THE PICTUREOF INNOCENCE,

BUT INSIDESHE WAS A RAGING CAULDRON

OF HORMONES AND SIN.

[horse whinnies]

- IN MY EXPERIENCE,FARMER'S DAUGHTERS,

IF GIVEN THE CHANCE,

WILL HAVE SEX WITH MANY,MANY PARTNERS.

BASICALLY AS MANYAS THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH.

- WE ARE ABLE TO SEE DIRECTLYINTO THE BOSOM OF YOUR SOUL.

- THESE TWO BIBLE HUMPERS

WERE SLICKER THAN SNOTDOWN A HOE HANDLE,

BUT THEY WERE NO MATCHFOR THIS MARE IN HEAT.

- I WAS JUST ABOUT TO GIVE OLDWEST END AFFAIR HERE A RUBDOWN.

I COULD USE ALL THE HANDSI CAN GET.

- EMMY LOU TOOK GOING DOWNON THE FARM...

- AND DON'T BE AFRAIDTO GET A LITTLE HARD.

- VERY SERIOUSLY.- ALL RIGHT?

[horse whinnies]

- THE TWO PHONIES TOOK TURNS

RIDING THISRAMBUNCTIOUS FILLY....

BUT IN EVERYFARMER'S DAUGHTER STORY,

THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEBODYWITH A SHOTGUN.

- OHH!

- GRANNY KNEW ALL ABOUT

EMMY LOU'SBARNYARD ACTIVITIES...

- HEY, YOU!

- SO WHEN SHE HEARD THE CRIES

OF ANIMAL PASSION,

SHE KNEW SOME COCKWAS GETTING IT ON WITH HER HEN.

- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?COME BACK!

- WHERE DID HE GO?

- GO, GO.

- THE BOYS FOUND SHELTERIN A GRAIN SILO.

- WHERE IS THAT SNAKEIN THE GRASS?

- LOOK, LET'S MAKE A BREAKFOR THE CAR.

- SHE'S GOT A SHOTGUN.

- THERE COMES A TIMEIN EVERY LOST SOUL'S LIFE...

- WHERE'S MY LIGHTER?

- WHEN WHAT THEY NEED MOST

IS A LIGHT TO SHINEIN THE DARKNESS.

- OKAY.

- THIS WASN'T ONE OF THEM.

FINE POWDERFROM THE TONS OF GRAINS

PASSING THROUGHTHE SILO ACCUMULATED

AND MIXED WITH THE OXYGENIN THE AIR.

WHEN CALEB LIT HIS LIGHTER,

A SPARK SPREAD FROM ONEFLOATING GRAIN TO THE OTHER,

CREATING A CHAIN REACTION.

THE EXPLOSION HAD THE POWEROF THREE STICKS OF DYNAMITE.

- A WASTE OF GOOD CORN.

- HERE'S ONE FOR ALLYOU BIBLE STUDENTS OUT THERE.

ALL COME FROM DUST,

AND TO DUST RETURN.

- [whispering] GO, GO.

- CALEB AND JACOB LIED.

AND GOT BURNED.

[speaking Japanese]

COMING UP,A SUSHI CHEF GETS EEL,

AND A RAVER GETS HIS GLOW ON.

[speaking foreign language]

- IT'S GRADUATION NIGHT

AT CHEF TANAKA'S SCHOOLFOR SUSHI CHEFS.

OUT OF A HANDPICKEDCLASS OF 25,

ONLY TWOHAVE MADE IT THROUGH.

AS WAS HIS CUSTOM,

TANAKA IS SHARINGSHOTS OF SAKE

WITH HIS CHARGES TO CELEBRATETHEIR RITE OF PASSAGE.

- BECOMING A SUSHI CHEF'SVERY HARD,

BECAUSE THERE'SSO MANY DIFFERENT TYPE

THAT FIRST YOU NEEDTO UNDERSTAND.

SO WE NEED TO DO PROPERHANDLING, PROPER CUT.

IT'S LONG HOUR,

AND THE LEARNING,LOT OF PROCESS,

THEN SHARPENING YOUR KNIFE,GOOD SHARPENING.

IT'S A LOT OF WORK.

- MORE PRISON CAMPTHAN SCHOOL,

THE STUDENTS LIVED INCONSTANT FEAR OF TANAKA'S WRATH.

HE WOULD SHOVE WASABIUP THEIR NOSES,

OR AMBUSH THEMWITH BLASTS OF WATER.

ONE OF HIS FAVORITETEACHING TRICKS

WAS TO THREATEN THEMWITH [speaks Japanese].

"EEL UP ASS."

BUT THAT WAS ALL HISTORY.

TONIGHT WAS FOR CELEBRATING.

AFTER TOO MANY SHOTS,

TANAKA WAS OUT COLD.

HE NEVERCOULD HOLD HIS LIQUOR.

THE STUDENTS SAW THIS AS ANOPPORTUNITY TO GET SOME REVENGE

ON THEIR TASK MASTER.

AN EEL DOWN HIS PANTS

SHOULD MAKE FOR A NICE SURPRISEWHEN HE WAKES UP.

BUT THE STUDENTSHADN'T COUNTED ON THIS.

THE EEL WOUND UP CRAWLINGDEEP INSIDE TANAKA'S RECTUM,

AND ATE ITS WAY OUT.

- AN EEL BURROWING ITS WAY UPTHROUGH THE MAN'S RECTUM

AND BITING THROUGHIS GONNA CAUSE

EXTENSIVE INTERNAL BLEEDING,

UM, ALSO DAMAGINGTWO IMPORTANT VEINS THERE,

THE INFERIORHEMORRHOIDAL VEIN

AND THE COMMON ILIAC VEIN.

IT'S GONNA LEADTO HYPOVOLEMIC SHOCK.

- HE LOST SO MUCH BLOOD,

HE WENT FROM COMATOSETO COMA TO DEAD.

TANAKA RAN HIS SUSHI SCHOOLWITH AN IRON FIST,

BUT THEN HE GOT EELAND NEVER WOKE UP.

DOMO ARIGATO.

IT'S 5:00 IN THE MORNING,

AND THIS RAVEIS IN ITS DEATH THROES.

MOST OF THE CROWDHAVE GONE HOME

OR HAVE BEEN CARTED OFFTO THE LOCAL EMERGENCY ROOM.

- AT A TYPICAL RAVE,

THERE'S NOT A LOT OF SECURITY.

THERE'S A LOT OF LOUD MUSIC.

A LOT OF DRUGS,A LOT OF SEX,

AND A LOT OF GOOD TIMES.

- BUT NOW ONLY THE HARDCOREPARTIERS REMAIN,

AND THIS GUY--

A DRUG DEALER NAMED RUSH.

- WHAT DO YOU WANT?

- RUSH WAS THE GUY TO GO TO

WHEN YOU WANTED TO KEEPYOUR BUZZ GOING.

THE INSIDE OF HIS HOODIE

WAS STUFFED WITH EVERYTHINGFROM ECSTASY TO HEROIN.

- HEY, BRO, WHAT YOU WANT?

- WANT SOME X.

- THIS, YEAH?- YEAH.

- THIS IS HARD, MAN.THIS IS HARD. IT'S 50.

- RUSH WAS A PREDATOR,NOT A PARTIER.

TONIGHT, RUSH BROKE THE CARDINALRULE OF DRUG DEALING--

NEVER GET HIGHON YOUR OWN SUPPLY.

HE POPPED A COUPLEOF HITS OF ECSTASY,

AND, NOT USED TO BEINGSO WASTED, HE FREAKED OUT.

THIS IS WHY YOUR MAMATOLD YOU NOT TO DO DRUGS.

ALL LOGICFLIES OUT THE WINDOW,

AND YOU DO STUPID THINGS,

LIKE EMPTY OUT YOUR GLOW STICKSINTO A KIDDIE POOL

AND SMEAR ITALL OVER YOUR BODIES.

ONE STUPID IDEALED TO ANOTHER.

RATHER THAN SMEAR IT,

RUSH MAINLINED THE GLOWING GOOSTRAIGHT INTO HIS ARM.

HE LIT UPLIKE A NUCLEAR REACTOR.

AND THEN MELTED DOWN.

THE MIXTURE OF CHEMICALSIN GLOW STICKS

CREATES A BY-PRODUCTCALLED PHENOL.

ONCE IT ENTERSTHE BLOODSTREAM,

PHENOL SHUTS DOWNTHE NERVOUS SYSTEM

AND TRIGGERS KIDNEY FAILURE.

THE NAZIS EXPERIMENTEDWITH PHENOL EXECUTIONS

DURING WORLD WAR II.

RUSH PREYED ON INNOCENT KIDSWHO JUST WANTED TO PARTY,

BUT WHEN HE TRIED TO JOIN IN,

HE WOUND UP Xed OUT.

UP NEXT...

- YOU'RE LOOKING HOT.

- A HORMONAL HOUSEWIFESPILLS HER GUTS.

- AAH!

- HARDER!

- AND A PORN ADDICTGOES DOWN AND GETS DIRTY.

- THERE COMES A TIMEIN EVERY WOMAN'S LIFE

WHEN THE NEEDFOR SEXUAL FULFILLMENT

OVERWHELMS EVERYTHING ELSE.

- WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK?

WELL, YOU GUYSLOOK HOT OUT HERE.

I THOUGHT I'D BRING YOUSOMETHING COLD.

- HELLO.

- THAT TIME FOR JOLENE WAS NOW.

- YOU'RE SWEATY.

- JOLENE WASA PERFECT SEX STORM.

LATE 20s, PEAKINGIN THE FERTILITY DEPARTMENT,

RECENTLY DIVORCED,

WITH HORNY HORMONESRAGING THROUGH HER BODY.

- WHY DON'T YOU GUYSCOME INSIDE AND TAKE A BREAK?

- HELLO? YEAH, OVER HERE.BACK TO WORK.

- HEY, BOYS.

- NOT ONLY WAS HER BIOLOGICALCLOCK TICKING DOUBLE TIME,

JOLENE WAS A FOUR-STAR TEASE.

THE CONSTRUCTION CREW OUT FRONT

WERE HELPLESS UNDER THE SPELL

OF HER BARELY-HIDDEN CHARMS.

- I LOVE TO TEASE MEN.

I THINK THAT WE ARE VERYANIMALISTIC BY NATURE,

AND I THINK THAT WOMEN

ARE DEFINITELYTHE GATHERERS OF THIS WORLD,

AND MEN ARE HUNTERS,

AND I THINK THAT IT'S VERYNORMAL AND IT'S NATURAL

FOR THEM TO WANTTO CHASE A WOMAN.

- THE FOREMAN TRIED TO KEEPHIS CREW FOCUSED ON WORKING.

- DO YOU WANT TO PLAY A GAME?

- BUT JOLENEHAD SOMETHING ELSE IN MIND.

- IT'S HOT OUT HERE.

[man whistles]

- SHE WAS MAKING IT VERY HARD

FOR THESE HARD HATS.

- [moans]

- COME ON, GUYS.JUST HELP ME OUT.

I COULD USE SOMESUNTAN LOTION ON MY BACK.

- BUT WHEN YOU'RE AN OBJECTOF MASS DISTRACTION,

YOU LEAVE YOURSELFOPEN TO ATTACK.

- OH, MY GOD.

- THE GUY OPERATINGTHE CONCRETE SAW

LIKED WHAT HE SAWA LITTLE TOO MUCH,

AND LOST CONTROL.

THE BLADE WENT FLYING OFF,

AND THROUGH...JOLENE'S YUMMY TUMMY.

CAUSE OF DEATH?

EVERYTHING.

JOLENE WAS HOPING SHE COULD LUREA HUNK INTO HER BUNK.

- WHY DON'T YOU GUYSCOME INSIDE AND TAKE A BREAK?

- BUT IN THE END,SHE JUST COULDN'T KEEP IT...

TOGETHER.

- HARDER! HARDER!

- JONATHAN MILLER IS SOMEONE

WHO LIVES AND BREATHESAND SWEATS PORNOGRAPHY.

- THIS IS WHATIT'S ALL ABOUT.

FOR YEARS, HE'S BEEN STASHINGAND STACKING A PILE OF SMUT

AS BIG AS A HOUSE.

HIS HOUSE.

- IN THE HIGH TIMESOF MY PORN ADDICTION,

I'VE MASTURBATED12 TIMES A DAY.

WHEN PORNTAKES OVER YOUR LIFE,

YOU GET IN TROUBLE AT WORK,YOUR SPOUSE, YOUR FRIENDS,

AND YOU EVEN GET VIRUSESON YOUR COMPUTER.

- HIS DIRTY OBSESSION

MADE HIS LOVING WIFEOF 35 YEARS SO CRAZY...

- DON'T PUT YOUR PORNON MY VANITY.

- THAT ONE DAYSHE HAD ENOUGH.

- I'M LEAVING YOU.

- WITH WIFEY NOT THERETO TAKE CARE OF HIM,

JONATHAN STARTEDCIRCLING THE DRAIN.

HE GOT SO LOSTIN PORNVILLE,

HE NEGLECTED EATING,

AND DIDN'T DRINK ANYTHING,

TO THE POINT WHERE HE STARTEDSUFFERING FROM DEHYDRATION.

- DEHYDRATION IS SIMPLY A LOSSOF YOUR TOTAL BODY WATER,

AND WATER IS VITALFOR EVERY FUNCTION

OF EVERY CELL OF YOUR BODY.

IN MOST PEOPLE, THEY HAVEAN INTACT THIRST MECHANISM,

AND SO AT THAT POINT WE'RE ABLETO REPLENISH OUR WATER SUPPLY

AND PREVENT DEHYDRATION.

- OHH.

- HE BECAMEINCREASINGLY DISORIENTED.

- I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

- THE THREE WELL-DEFINED STAGESOF DEHYDRATION

ARE MILD DEHYDRATION,

2% TO 5% LOSSIN TOTAL BODY WATER.

PEOPLE ARE GONNA HAVEA DRY MOUTH.

YOU'RE GONNA FEEL LIGHTHEADED.

MODERATE DEHYDRATION, 5% TO 9%LOSS OF TOTAL BODY WATER.

URINE OUTPUTWILL CUT OFF TO ZERO.

- JONATHAN'S CONDITIONWORSENED TO THE POINT

WHERE HE KEPT LOSING HIS WAY

IN HIS MAZE OF MADNESS.

- OH,I CAN'T EVEN WALK ANYMORE.

- THE LAST STRAW CAME INAN AVALANCHE OF TRIPLE-X JUNK.

TOO WEAK TO MOVE,

HE REACHED THE FINAL STAGEOF DEHYDRATION AND EXPIRED.

- SEVERE DEHYDRATION,

GREATER THAN 10% LOSSOF TOTAL BODY WATER,

WHICH IS A MEDICAL EMERGENCY.

SEVERE HEADACHE,SEVERE NAUSEA.

THEIR BLOOD PRESSUREWILL DROP.

THE HEART RATEWILL RISE RAPIDLY.

ALL THEIR ORGANS WILL FAIL,

AND THEY'LL DIEFROM A FATAL ARRHYTHMIA.

- DON'T PUT YOUR PORNON MY VANITY.

I'M LEAVING YOU.

- JONATHAN SHOULD HAVE TOSSEDALL HIS SMUT IN THE DUMPSTER.

INSTEAD...

- I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

- HE WOUND UP IN A GRAVEOF HIS OWN MAKING.

- WANT TO SEEA BULLY GET BUSTED?

STICK AROUND.

- BROOKE WAS A SHINY,GOOD-LOOKING

ELITIST SNOB WHO PLAYEDA RICH BOY COLLEGE SPORT--

LACROSSE.

- GOOD.JUST LIKE THAT.

- HE WAS ALSOAN UNBEARABLE BULLY.

HE LOVED TO BEAT UP THOSELESS FORTUNATE THAN HIMSELF.

- DOUCHEBAG.

- WHETHER THE CHESS CLUB GEEK,

OR THE BAND NERD...

- OW! LET GO!OW! BUH BUH BUH BUH!

- BROOKE WAS ANEQUAL OPPORTUNITY PERSECUTOR.

- MOST PEOPLE BECOME BULLIESWHEN THEY'RE YOUNG,

WHEN THEY'RE CHILDREN,AND THEY BECOME BULLIES

BECAUSE THEYGET ATTENTION FOR IT,

OR THEY BECOME BULLIES

BECAUSE THEY LIKE SEEINGTHEIR VICTIMS IN PAIN.

- HOLD MY STICK.

- BROOKE WAS AT HIS BULLY BEST

WHEN TRYING TO IMPRESSA COUPLE OF CUTE CO-EDIBLES.

- HEY, NERDS.

- NOW HERE'S A LESSON

FOR ALL YOU MUSCLE-HEADEDBULLIES OUT THERE.

WHEN THE HOTTEST BABEON CAMPUS GOES BY,

KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL.

- [groans]

- RICOCHETING OFF THE WALLAT OVER 90 MILES AN HOUR,

THE SOLID RUBBER LACROSSE BALL

HIT HIS CHEST AT THE PERFECTTIME IN THE PERFECT PLACE,

TRIGGERING A REACTIONCALLED COMMOTIO CORDIS.

COMMOTIO CORDIS

IS THE DISRUPTIONOF THE HEART'S RHYTHM

AS A RESULTOF A BLOW TO THE AREA

DIRECTLY OVER THE HEARTAT A CRITICAL TIME

DURING THE CYCLE OF HEARTBEAT.

SOME WORDS OF ADVICEFOR A VERY DEAD BROOKE--

BULLY FOR YOU.

[fabric ripping]- OHH!

- WHAT WAS THE WORD YOU USED?

- DOUCHEBAG.

- EXACTLY.

Captioning by CaptionMaxwww.captionmax.com

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