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Killing Them Softly

Season 3, Ep 19 10:19

An email scammer get deleted; a couple screw themselves to death; an old Nazi meets an old bullet.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT SOMECOUPLES ON AIRPLANES?

IT SEEMS AS SOON ASTHEY HIT 30,000 FEET

THEY THINK IT'S TIME TOPUT ON A LIVE SEX SHOW.

- [coughing]

announcer:DARREN AND BERNICE HAD

NO REGARD FORTHE OTHER PASSENGERS.

- EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME,CAN YOU TONE IT DOWN?

THANK YOU.

both: [laughing]

announcer:BERNICE WAS A TOTAL SLUT.

SHE COULDCOUNT THE PLACES

WHERE SHE'S NEVERHAD SEX ON ONE HAND.

- WANT TO BECOME A MEMBEROF THE MILE-HIGH CLUB?

- MILE-HIGH CLUB?

announcer:A JUMBO JET

WAS ONEOF THEM.

THE MILE-HIGH CLUBREFERS TO

HAVING SEX INA PLANE'S BATHROOM.

AND WHILE ITMIGHT BE NAUGHTY,

IT'S OKAY WITHTHE AIRLINE.

- EW, THAT'S GROSS.- YEAH, A LITTLE.

[toilet flushing]

- IT'S NOT ILLEGALTO HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM.

WE CAN'T PROVE THAT THEY'REACTUALLY HAVING SEX ANYWAY.

[knock on door]

- OCCUPADO.

- IT'S DIFFERENT IF THEYDECIDE TO START DOING IT

IN A SEAT IN THEMIDDLE OF THE CABIN.

THEN THAT'SINDECENT EXPOSURE.

AND, I MEAN, YOU CANGET ARRESTED FOR THAT.

IF THEY'RE IN THE BATHROOM,WE JUST LET THEM HAVE FUN.

announcer: DIRTY SEXIN AN AIRLINE TOILET

REQUIRES THE SKILLSOF A CONTORTIONIST.

- YEAH, RIGHT THERE.HURRY.

announcer:JUST AS DARREN WAS

READY TO POP HERIN-FLIGHT CHERRY,

[fasten seatbelt alert]

- THE SEATBELT LIGHTJUST CAME ON.

announcer: THE PLANE HIT APOCKET OF SEVERE TURBULENCE.

- TURBULENCE IS CAUSEDBY RAPIDLY MOVING AIR

THAT AN AIRPLANEFLIES INTO.

IMAGINE SUDDENLY HITTING A 200MILE-AN-HOUR WIND SIDEWAYS.

THAT'S JUST GOING TOPROPEL THE AIRPLANE

UP AND THEN DOWN,AS THE AIRPLANE

IS FLYINGTHROUGH IT.

- OW, OW, OW!

announcer: SUDDENLYTHE PLANE DROPPED VIOLENTLY.

BUT THE LOVERS' BODIESSTAYED IN PLACE.

THEIR HEADS SLAMMEDINTO THE CEILING.

DARREN'S NECK SHATTERED.

AND BERNICE'S BRAIN RATTLEDAROUND HER SKULL CAVITY

LIKE APUNCHED-OUT BOXER'S.

THEY BOTHDIED INSTANTLY.

- OH!- OH, MY GOD!

- WHAT THE--!- OH, MY GOSH.

announcer: A WISE MAN,WHEN ASKED IF SEX WAS DIRTY,

REPLIED,"ONLY WHEN IT'S DONE RIGHT."

- OH, NO, NO, NO.THAT'S NOT WORKING.

announcer:DARREN AND BERNICE

JUST CHOSETHE WRONG PLACE.

NEXT TIME,GET A ROOM.

- AAH!- OH!

announcer:NOT A BATHROOM.

announcer:WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?

A COUPLE OF LOSERSCHECKING OUT SOME TAIL?

IT'S WORSETHAN THAT.

ZEKE AND LYLE AREWORKING A NEW SCAM.

STEALING GASOUT OF PARKED CARS.

FLUCTUATING FUEL PRICESHAVE CREATED

A BLACK MARKET OPPORTUNITYFOR CREEPS LIKE THESE.

- THERE IS A LARGE MARKETFOR STOLEN GASOLINE.

WHERE PEOPLE WOULD BRINGEMPTY GASOLINE TRUCKS,

LARGE CONTAINERS,TO A GAS STATION.

AND USING LARGE HOSES,SIPHON GASOLINE

FROM THE GAS TANKSUNDERNEATH GAS STATIONS.

OPERATIONS SUCHAS THESE

CAN BRING MILLIONSOF DOLLARS IN PROFITS.

announcer:BUT THESE TWO DEADBEATS

WERE STRICTLYSMALL-TIME.

SIPHONING WORKSBY STICKING A HOSE

INTO A TANK,AND SUCKING ON IT

TO CREATENEGATIVE PRESSURE.

PROBLEM WAS,

THEY SWALLOWED MORE GASTHAN THEY STOLE.

- THERE'S GOTTA BEA BETTER WAY TO DO THIS.

BRING IT OVER HERE.COME ON.

announcer: THAT "BETTER WAY"APPEARED IN THE FORM

OF A 30-GALLONINDUSTRIAL VACUUM CLEANER.

- TURN THISBABY ON!

WHOA, YEAH!- WHOA!

- [laughing]

[huge explosion]

announcer: LOOKS LIKE THEIR NEWSIPHONING SYSTEM NEEDS WORK.

AS THE GASOLINEENTERED THE VACUUM,

ITS ELECTRIC FANPRODUCED A SPARK.

AND THEIR GAS-SUCKINGDAYS WERE OVER.

- THE SHRAPNELFROM THIS EXPLOSION

WILL COME ATEXTREMELY HIGH VELOCITY

RIGHT TOWARDSYOUR FACE AND HEAD.

GO WITHIN YOUR SKULL,WITHIN YOUR BRAIN,

YOU'LL HAVE IMMEDIATEHEMORRHAGING WITHIN YOUR BRAIN.

AND THEN THEINNER-CRANIAL PRESSURE

WILL INCREASE,CAUSING IMMEDIATE DEATH.

announcer: ZEKE AND LYLESUCKED AT WHAT THEY DID.

THEY THOUGHT AVACUUM WOULD HELP.

- TURN THIS BABY ON.

announcer:IN THE END,

THEY WERE JUSTA COUPLE OF...

[huge explosion]

GAS-HOLES.

HAVE YOU EVER GOTTENONE OF THOSE

RIDICULOUS E-MAILS SAYING YOU'REABOUT TO BECOME A MILLIONAIRE?

JOE DID.

[knocking on door]

announcer: AND HE WASSO STUPID AND GULLIBLE,

HE BELIEVED IT.

- JOSEPH.

HOW ARE YOU?HAVE A SEAT.

announcer: JOE HAD ALREADYWIRED $5,000 TO COVER

SUPPOSED ACCOUNTTRANSFER FEES TO...

ADECHIKE,

A NIGERIAN BUSINESSMANWHO REPRESENTED

A MAJOR INTERNATIONALLOTTERY CORPORATION.

- AS YOU KNOW,UH, EXPORT FEES.

announcer: BUT NOW ADECHIKEWANTED MORE MONEY.

- I LIKE YOU ALREADY.

announcer:HAVE YOU FIGURED OUT

WHAT'S WRONGWITH THIS PICTURE?

JOE WAS ABOUTTO BECOME A VICTIM

OF A NIGERIAN "BLACK MONEY,"OR "WASH-WASH" SCAM.

- A WASH-WASH SCAMWOULD TYPICALLY

TAKE THREEOR FOUR STEPS.

ONCE THE CON ARTIST KNOWS THEINDIVIDUAL HAS BEEN HOOKED,

THEY'VE PAIDSOME MONEY ALREADY.

THEY'LL INTRODUCETHE WASH-WASH--

TYPICALLY A SUITCASEFULL OF BLACK BILLS.

AMONGST THEM WILL BE A COUPLEOF LEGITIMATE U.S. DOLLARS.

THAT HAVEBEEN DYED BLACK.

THE CON ARTIST PRESENTS THESEWITH A SPECIAL MAGIC FLUID

THAT HE USES TO WASHTHE LEGITIMATE BILLS

TO DEMONSTRATE THE ENTIRE BOXIS FULL OF U.S. CURRENCY.

announcer:THE SUCKER IS TOLD

THE BILLS WEREDYED BLACK

IN ORDER TO SNEAKTHEM INTO THE COUNTRY.

- THAT'S AHUNDRED DOLLAR BILL.

- YES, YES.

announcer:IF YOU'RE WONDERING

IF ANYONE ACTUALLYFALLS FOR THIS SCAM,

VICTIMS LOST OVER 9.3 BILLIONDOLLARS IN 2009 ALONE.

- YEAH?- OKAY.

- JOE JUST TURNED OVER WHATWAS LEFT OF HIS SAVINGS

FOR AHUNDRED DOLLAR BILL.

FIVE DOLLARS WORTHOF DYED PAPER,

AND A WORTHLESS BOTTLEOF "MAGIC WASH" LIQUID.

- ARE YOU GONNACLEAN THEM NOW?

- WHY DON'T YOU DO IT?- OH, I--

- OH!

announcer:MAKE THAT AN EMPTY BOTTLE

OF WORTHLESS"MAGIC WASH" LIQUID.

- DON'T WORRY, I TAKE CARE OFYOU, I TAKE CARE OF YOU.

I COULD HAVE ONEFOR YOU IN 24 HOURS.

announcer:JOE MIGHT HAVE BEEN DIM,

BUT HIS BULBWASN'T COMPLETELY OUT.

HE RUBBED OFFANOTHER BILL,

AND DISCOVERED HE'D BEENTAKEN TO THE CLEANERS.

[knock on door]

- OPEN UP!, OPEN UP!OPEN UP!

HEY!

- WHEN THE MAN WASHIT BY THE DOOR,

THE FIVE INCH METAL HOOKPIERCED HIS EYE.

AND FRACTURED HISORBITAL SOCKET.

CAUSING DAMAGE TOHIS FRONTAL LOBE.

THIS DAMAGE CAUSED AN IMMEDIATESEVERE HEMORRHAGE OF HIS BRAIN.

CAUSING CESSATION OFHIS AUTONOMIC FUNCTIONS,

KILLING HIM INSTANTLY.

- OPEN UP!

announcer: ADECHIKE'S DEATHSHOULD BE A LESSON

TO ALL YOU GULLIBLEJIM'S OUT THERE.

KEEP YOUR EYEON YOUR MONEY.

THERE'S PLENTY OF WAYSTO GET THROUGH COLLEGE.

MARSHALL WAS DOING ITBY WORKING HARD.

[cell phone rings]

- HELLO?

announcer: KATIE WASDOING IT BY WORKING MARSHALL.

- DO YOU HAVE THAT HOMEWORKTHAT I HAD YOU DO FOR ME?

PERFECT.THANK YOU.

THAT'S SO NICE.

announcer: THEY SHAREDTHE SAME CHEMISTRY CLASS,

AND KATIE MADE SURE SHE GOT THESMART NERD AS HER LAB PARTNER.

- HYDROGEN CHLORIDE AND AMMONIA,IT'S AN EXOTHERMIC REACTION.

- WHAT'S ANEXOTHERMIC REACTION?

- IT MAKES HEAT.

- MM, HEAT.

announcer: KATIE KNEWALL ABOUT GENERATING HEAT.

SHE COULD TURN THESEXUALLY INEXPERIENCED

MARSHALL ON LIKEA BUNSEN BURNER.

- IT'S VERY EASYTO AROUSE A MAN.

AS LONG AS THEY SEESOMETHING THAT TURNS THEM ON.

FROM THE WOMAN'S CLEAVAGE,TO A NICE LOOKING BUTT.

OR A GREATPAIR OF LEGS.

AND HIS BLOODPRESSURE GOES UP,

HIS HEARTSTARTS BEATING,

AND HE DOESRELEASE TESTOSTERONE.

IT'S THE SAME KIND OFFEELING HE GETS

WHEN HE SEESA GREAT, HOT CAR.

AND HE WANTS TO GET IN THEREAND FIND OUT IF IT'S A KEEPER.

- HOW MANY MORE OF THESEDO WE HAVE TO, LIKE, DO?

- THERE'S A LOT.

announcer:KATIE WAS ABOUT TO LEARN

A VALUABLECHEMISTRY LESSON.

- I HAVE TO GO.

- IT'S YOUR GRADE.

announcer:DON'T FLASH YOUR HEADLIGHTS

WHEN YOUR HORNYLAB PARTNER IS

MIXING AMMONIA WITHHYDROCHLORIC ACID.

- [screaming]

announcer:THE TOXIC CLOUD OF GAS

FUSED HER CONTACT LENSESRIGHT TO HER EYEBALLS.

- [screaming]

announcer: SHE LOOKED OUTFROM HER DAMAGED EYES,

AND SAWBLURRY SALVATION.

THE EYE WASH STATION.

- [screaming]

[neck breaking]

- SHE SLIPPED ONTHIS WAX FLOOR

AND BROKE HERCERVICAL SPINE VERTEBRAE.

SPINAL CHORD INJURYIN THIS PARTICULAR AREA

WOULD IMMEDIATELY CEASERESPIRATORY FUNCTION.

A PERSON WOULDSTOP BREATHING.

ALL BRAIN CONTROLWOULD BE LOST

AND DEATH WOULDBE INSTANTANEOUS.

- THANK YOU.OH, YOU'RE SO SWEET.

KATIE TRIED TO FLIRTHER WAY THROUGH SCHOOL.

- I HAVE TO GO.- IT'S YOUR GRADE.

announcer:AND IN THE END...

- [screaming]

announcer: SHE PASSED...

[neck breaking]

announcer: ON.

- KATIE.

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