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Putting A Smiley Face on Death

Season 3, Ep 2 20:59

Self-liposuction goes poorly; Russian gangsters have one too many; a nature lover tries CPR on roadkill.

announcer: HOW DOES A UKRAINIANIMMIGRANT MAKE IT IN AMERICA?

ONE WAY IS TO JOINTHE RUSSIAN MAFIA.

- [speaking Russian]

announcer:IVAN WAS FRESH OFF THE BOAT

AND READY TO DOWHATEVER IT TOOK.

HE ARRANGED A MEETINGWITH THE MOBSTERS.

BEFORE HE COULD JOIN,

IVAN HAD TO HELP OUT INTHEIR LOAN-SHARKING DEPARTMENT.

- THE RUSSIAN MAFIAIS A CRIMINAL ENTERPRISE

THAT STARTED AFTERTHE FALL OF THE SOVIET UNION.

THEY'RE VERY LARGE.

THEY'RE VERY WELL FINANCED.

THEY'RE VERY WELL ORGANIZED.

AND THEY'RE VERY DEADLY.

announcer:WITH HIS WEAPON OF CHOICE,

A TIRE IRON,

IVAN SET OUT TO COLLECTON SOME DEBTS.

FIRST, LARRY THE LOSERWAS REMINDED...

TO PAY UP.

NEXT CAME GARTH.

HE GOT BONKEDWHILE MAKING A DEPOSIT.

AND LAST, GAY GARY.

THE BROTHERHOODDIDN'T APPROVE OF HIM

OR HIS LATE PAYMENTS.

- AAH!

[woman screams]

announcer:BACK AT HEADQUARTERS,

IVAN LEARNEDTHERE WAS ONE LAST TASK.

IT WAS THE RUSSIAN MAFIA VERSIONOF A MANICURE.

THEY NEEDED TO BURN HISFINGERTIPS WITH SULFURIC ACID.

THEY DIDN'T WANT ANYONELEAVING PRINTS

ON BODIESOR AT CRIME SCENES.

AT LAST,HE WAS ONE OF THEM--

A BRATVA.

- [speaking Russian]

announcer: TO CELEBRATE,

ONE LAST SHOT OF THEIR SPECIAL,HOMEMADE VODKA.

THAT DIDN'T GO DOWN SO WELL.

IT SEEMS BORIS, THEIR LOYALBUT SENILE BARTENDER,

POURED FROM THE WRONG BOTTLE.

LIKE VODKA, SULFURIC ACIDIS A COLORLESS LIQUID,

WHICH, WHEN INGESTED,

WILL IMMEDIATELY BEGIN

TO DISSOLVE TISSUEIN THE THROAT AND STOMACH.

IT WILL BURN UP THE ESOPHAGUSAND INTERNAL ORGANS,

RESULTING IN FATAL INJURIES.

HOW ABOUT ONE LAST TOASTFOR OUR FALLEN COMRADE?

- [coughing]

announcer:UP YOURS, SCUMSKI.

VIKING KING NYGARD

WAS YOUR TYPICALOVERACHIEVING OLDER BROTHER.

- MY WARRIORS,I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT.

I'M GOING MARAUDING.- HEAR, HEAR!

announcer:BY THE TIME HE WAS 17,

NYGARD WAS RANKEDNUMBER ONE IN "R" AND "P"--

RAPING AND PILLAGING.

- SO WHILE I'M AWAY,

I'LL BE LEAVING EVERYTHINGTO MY FAITHFUL BROTHER MORD.

announcer: LITTLE BROTHERMORD'S CLAIM TO FAME?

HE WAS THE YOUNGEST EVER INTHEIR VILLAGE TO GET SYPHILIS.

- THE VIKINGSWERE SCANDINAVIANS

WHO WENT ABROADAS PIRATES AND RAIDERS.

THE WANDERLUSTOF SEAFARING PEOPLES

MAKES IT POSSIBLE THAT THEYCONTRACTED SOCIAL DISEASES

AND SPREAD ITBACK TO THEIR HOMELAND.

announcer: WITH NYGARD GONE,THE PARTY WAS ON.

- WILL YOU STOP,FOR GOODNESS SAKE?

- GET OUT OF HERE,BOTH OF YA.

announcer: AND WHEN THE QUEENTRIED TO SHUT IT DOWN...

- I AM THE KING HERE NOW.

announcer: MORD THREW HER DOWNAND RAPED HER.

FOR THE NEXT FEW MONTHS,

HE HAD HIS WAYWITH HIS BROTHER'S WIFE

UNTIL...

- WHAT IN THOR'S NAME IS THIS?

GET HIM!

announcer:MORD THOUGHT, AS ALWAYS,

HIS BIG BROTHERWOULD LET NYGARDS BE NYGARDS.

- I'M GONNA TAKE YOUR LIFE.

announcer:NOT THIS TIME.

- I'M GONNA DO ITTHE WORST WAY WE KNOW HOW!

announcer:NYGARD WAS REFERRING SOMETHING

CALLED THE BLOOD EAGLE.

- THE VIKINGS USEDTHE BLOOD EAGLE TO GET REVENGE.

THE BACK WAS SLICEDDOWN THE SPINE.

THEN THE RIBSWERE PRIED AWAY FROM THE SPINE.

- AAH!

- AND THE LUNGSWERE PULLED OUT FROM INSIDE.

- IF YOU DISRUPT THE RIB CAGE

AND YOU BRING THE LUNGSON THE OUTSIDE,

THERE'S NO FORCE IT CAN USEIN ORDER TO EXPAND,

AND THE LUNGSWILL SHRIVEL UP AND SHRINK,

AND YOU CAN'TBRING ANYMORE OXYGEN IN.

announcer:BLOOD'S THICKER THAN WATER...

- HEAR, HEAR!

announcer:BUT MORD SCREWED UP.

GOT YOUR BACK, BRO.

- [chanting]

announcer:SHE WORSHIPS NATURE,

EATS NOTHING BUT RAW VEGGIES...

- MMM.

announcer: HAS THE WORLD'SLONGEST PATCH OF ARMPIT HAIR,

AND DRIVES A HYBRID.

SHE CALLS HERSELFMORNING GLORY.

ANOTHER NAME FOR HER...

HOW ABOUT "FRUIT CAKE"?

ON HER WAYTO A HEMP CONVENTION,

SHE POPS IN HER FAVORITE CD...

AND BLISSES ON DOWN THE ROAD.

- OH. OH.

[imitating whale calling]

[loud thud]

OH, MY GOD.

announcer:SHE HITS SOMETHING...

- OH, NO.

OH, MY GOD.NO.

announcer:A RACCOON.

THE NATURE LOVERWAS DEVASTATED.

- IT'S OKAY.I'M HERE.

STAY WITH ME.

announcer:SHE BENT OVER,

BUT HER MOUTHTO ITS BLOODY MOUTH,

- ONE, TWO, THREE...

announcer:AND TRIED TO BREATHE LIFE

BACK INTOTHE FLATTENED CRITTER.

- ONE, TWO, THREE...

- CPR CAN AND HAS WORKEDIN ANIMALS.

MOST IMPORTANT ASPECT OF CPR,

OF COURSE,IS THE CHEST COMPRESSIONS.

MOUTH-TO-SNOUT RESUSCITATIONCAN BE PERFORMED.

IT ALL DEPENDSON HOW GOOD OF A SEAL

YOU CAN GETAROUND THE ANIMAL'S MOUTH.

- WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT.

announcer: ANYONEWHO GETS DOWN ON HER KNEES

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD

TO RESURRECTA PIECE OF ROADKILL...

- ONE MORE.ONE, TWO...

announcer:SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISED

BY WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

[coughs]

- WHEN A BUMPER HITS YOUR CHINAND KNOCKS YOUR HEAD OFF,

IT'S ESSENTIALLY SHEARED OFF.

THERE'S A TEARING OF THE SKINAND THE MUSCLES.

THE HEAD IS LIKELY SEPARATED

AT THE UPPER LEVELSOF THE VERTEBRAL COLUMN.

THE REST OF THE SOFT TISSUESARE EASY TO TEAR OFF.

- OH, MY GOD.NO.

announcer:MORNING GLORY LOST HER HEAD.

BUT IT WAS NEVER SCREWED ONTOO TIGHT ANYWAY.

THERE'S ONE THINGYOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT CINDY.

SHE'S AS HORNYAS A THREE-BALLED CAT.

TONIGHT'S PARTY WAS A CHANCE

TO DRAG HOMEA LIKELY SPERM DONOR

AND DRAIN HIMOF HIS PRECIOUS BODILY FLUIDS.

LEAVING NOTHING TO CHANCE,

CINDY PICKED HEROUTFIT CAREFULLY.

THE MOST IMPORTANT WEAPONIN HER FASHION ARSENAL--

A METAL-REINFORCED BRASHE BOUGHT AT A LINGERIE STORE.

- THE FIRST BRA PATENT

HAD A FULL METAL PLATEHOLDING UP THE BREASTS.

AND THEN IN THE 1930sIS WHEN WE FIRST SEE

THE BRA AS WE KNOW IT TODAY

WITH UNDERWIRE IN IT.

IT GOES AROUND THE BREAST,BOTH SIDES,

AND THEN THERE'SA METAL HOOK-AND-EYE CLOSURES.

announcer: WITH HER CHESTLOADED WITH TWIN TORPEDOES,

CINDY WAS READY FOR ACTION.

- HEY, GUYS.

announcer: ONCE AT THE PARTY,CINDY MADE SURE SHE KEPT

THE GUYS ABREASTOF THE SITUATION.

[thunder rumbles]

A SUDDEN STORMGIVES HER A CHANCE

TO PUT IT ALL ON DISPLAY.

- OH, MY GOD.

I HAVEN'T BEENIN A WET-T-SHIRT CONTEST

SINCE CABO.

- OH, YEAH.

- WHOO!

announcer: CINDY WASTHE LIFE OF THE PARTY

UNTIL...

- IMAGINE 300 KILOVOLTSOF ELECTRICITY

ENTERING YOUR HEART AT ONCE.

IT'S GONNA EXPLODE IT.

IT'S GONNA TRAVELTHROUGH THE BODY.

IT'S GONNA EXIT OUT ONEOF YOUR LEGS INTO THE GROUND,

AND AT THAT HEAT,IT CAN ACTUALLY MELT SAND.

announcer: CINDY'S SLUTTY OUTFITWAS A BIG HIT.

EVERY GUY WANTED HER,BUT THEN...

SHE BOLTED.

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