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Murder Boner

Jasmine's client stuns her with a secret, Gus covers a knife wielding penis, and Tommy redeems a "slut."

- SO CAN YOU PLEASE TELL ME HOWYOU GOT THIS TATTOO?

- AT THAT POINT, I WAS FEMALE

AND WAS TRYING TO--

- YOU WERE WHAT?- [laughs]

I WAS BORN FEMALE.

- OKAY, WAIT.TIME OUT.

WHAT?

- THE GIRL THAT WAS IN MY LIFETHAT I HAD TOLD YOU ABOUT

WAS NO LONGER THERE.

- WHAT?[laughter]

WHAT?THAT'S YOU?

- YEAH.- YOU WERE BORN LIKE ME?

- MM-HMM.- A VAJAYJAY?

- WELL--YEAH.[laughs]

YES.

- OKAY, SO PLEASE GO ON.

- I WAS PRETTY BEFORE.

- SO NOT ME.

- I TRIED TO DO THINGSTO MAKE MYSELF FIT IN,

EVEN THOUGH I NEVERFELT COMFORTABLE

IN SKIRTS AND DRESSES.- YEAH. [pop]

- IN THE LATE '90s,

ALL THE GIRLS WERE GETTINGTRAMP STAMPS,

SO I SAW THAT, AND I THOUGHT,

"HMM, MAYBE I SHOULD GIVE THISA TRY."

- OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS,WE ARE ON FIRE.

- I LOVE YOURS.- CHECK ME OUT.

- DO YOU FEEL SEXY?

- YOU LIKE THIS?DOES IT MAKE ME CUTER?

- THE TATTOO DIDN'T CHANGEANYTHING.

I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE A GIRL WITHA HOT TRAMP STAMP.

- AN ACTUAL GIRL.YEAH.

- [laughs] I FELT LIKE A DUDEWITH A TRAMP STAMP,

SO AT 25, I REALIZED THATTHERE WERE OTHER OPTIONS,

SO I DECIDED TO PURSUETHE TRANSITION.

SO I DID WHAT I HAD TO DO,

SO THE LAST THINGI WANT ANYBODY TO SEE

IS THIS TATTOO,AND I PLAY ROLLER DERBY.

I JOINED THIS MEN'S TEAM,

BUT ONE DAY AT PRACTICE,MY SHIRT WENT UP.

- HEY, HAYDEN, HAVE YOU ALWAYSBEEN A BOY?

- UM...NO.

- JUST HAD A FEELING.ALL RIGHT!

STAY TIGHT!

- WHOA.- RIGHT?

IT TOOK ME A REALLY LONG TIMETO FULLY PASS AS A MAN,

AND, YOU KNOW, TRYING TO FEELCOMFORTABLE IN MY OWN SKIN,

AND THE LAST THING I WANTEDANYBODY TO SEE WAS THIS TATTOO.

THIS IS PART OF MY PAST.NOBODY NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT IT.

IT'S KIND OFA NEED-TO-KNOW BASIS.

- ABSOLUTELY.- SO...

GETTING THIS THING COVERED JUSTMEANS THE WORLD TO ME, REALLY.

- THANK YOU, ADDED PRESSURE.

[laughter]

- TODAY I GOT RALPH COMING IN.HE'S GOT A TATTOO THAT COST HIM

CONSTANT BATTLES WITHHIS OLD LADY.

YOU KNOW THAT AIN'T GOOD.

- I NEED YOUR HELP REAL,REAL BAD.

MY WIFE IS READY TO KILL ME.

- SHE'S MAD AT YOU OR SOMETHING?- YEAH.

WHEN I'M TELLING YOU IT'S BAD,IT IS BAD.

- NO WAY, DUDE.LIKE THAT?

- YEAH, IT'S LIKE THAT.

- I GOT TO SEE THIS THING.WHERE IS IT AT?

[laughs]

DUDE, IS THAT WHATI THINK IT IS?

- YEAH, THAT'S EXACTLY WHATYOU THINK IT IS.

- WHAT DOES THAT SAY?

"MURDER BONER"?

- YEAH.

THERE WAS JUSTA TREMENDOUS AMOUNT

OF PEER PRESSURE, BALL BREAKING,AND HARASSING

TO GET THIS TATTOO DONE.

THE JOKE WAS REAL FUNNY,

BUT THIS TATTOO'S PROOF THATMY WIFE WILL EVENTUALLY KILL ME.

- WOW, BUDDY!

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLYHAVE THAT ON YOU.

MURDER BONER.

WHAT THE HELL WAS THIS GUYTHINKING, MAN?

SERIOUSLY, HE'S GOT A PENIS

THAT'S ANGRY WITHTHAT LITTLE KNIFE.

AT LEAST GET A BIGGER [bleep].[laughs]

YOU GOT A SMALL [bleep].[laughs]

- IF ANYBODY CAN FIX IT,YOU CAN FIX IT.

- HOW OLD IS THAT THING?- LIKE FIVE YEARS.

I WAS IN THE MILITARYAT THE TIME.

- YEAH, THAT'S NOT THAT OLD.

PRETTY MUCH YOU'RE GONNAHAVE TO GO WITH

WHAT'S GONNA WORK FOR YOU,BUDDY.

- I'M KIND OF A NERD.

I'VE ALWAYS BEENINTO ANCIENT EGYPT,

SO WAS KIND OF HOPINGABOUT GETTING SOMETHING LIKE

A ANCIENT EGYPT GOD OR--- OKAY.

GIVE ME A FEW MINUTESTO GO BACK THERE

AND FIGURE SOMETHING OUTFOR YOU.

- THANKS.- ALL RIGHT.

RALPH WANTS TO GET, LIKE,

AN EGYPTIAN KIND OFA GOD TATTOOED ON HIM,

WHICH IS PRETTY COOL,'CAUSE THERE'S

SO MANY DIFFERENT CHARACTERSYOU CAN GO WITH.

I'M THINKING, LIKE, ANUBIS,

YOU KNOW, LIKE,THAT DOG-FACED GOD.

IT'S PREDOMINANTLY DARK,

SO IT'S GONNA WORKTO MY ADVANTAGE.

THIS IS NOT GONNA BE EASY,BUDDY.

ANUBIS HAS A LOT OF, LIKE,JEWELRY IN THE FRONT,

LIKE, ON THE BOTTOM,

AND THAT'S WHERE I'M GONNA HIDETHE MURDER BONER BANNER.

AND THEN AS I WORK MY WAY UPTHE CHIN LINE,

THAT'S WHERE I'M GONNA HIDETHE PENIS UNDERNEATH

THE STRUCTURE OF THE CHIN ANDTHE SHADOWS OF THE NECK.

LET'S SEE IF WE CANMAKE IT HAPPEN.

[tattoo machine buzzing]- ALL RIGHT, SWEETHEART,

I AM FINISHED.

I AM ABOUT TO SHOW HAYDENHIS TATTOO.

THIS IS A REALLY BIG DEAL,

AND I JUST WANT HIMTO BE HAPPY.

I WANT TO GIVE YOUA TATTOO THAT

KIND OF REPRESENTSWHO YOU ARE NOW.

SO, ARE YOU READY TO SEETHE TATTOO?

- YES.

- GO AHEAD.TURN.

TURN YOUR HEAD.

CAN YOU SEE IT?

- HOLY SH--

THAT'S FANTASTIC.WOW.

THAT'S INSANE.

- YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLETO SEE THAT TAT--

- INSANE.- YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE

TO SEE THAT TATTOO.- YEAH, LIKE--I FORGOT.

LIKE, THAT THERE--I FORGOT...[laughs]

THERE WAS SOMETHING ELSE THERE.- GOOD!

- THAT'S NUTS.

MY TATTOO IS SICK.

GOT SOME RECORDS FLYINGOUT OF IT, SOME NOTES AROUND IT.

IT'S EVERYTHING I HAD HOPED THATIT WOULD BE.

IT'S AMAZING.IT LOOKS A STICKER,

AND IT FEELS AWESOME THATTHE TRAMP STAMP IS GONE.

IT'S BEEN ERASED, LITERALLY.

- SO THE COVER-UP WAS HERE,

AND I USED THE RECORDSTO MANIPULATE THAT.

IN ORDER TO COVER UPHAYDEN'S TATTOO,

I HAD TO MAKE SURE THATTHE TRIBAL

LAY DEAD CENTER OF THE JUKEBOX.

THE RECORDS WOULD COME AROUND

AND TAKE SHAPE OF THE TRIBALTHAT HE ONCE HAD.

- LET'S SEE, MAN.

- WOW.- JAZZY...

YOU SO KILLED THAT TATTOO.

- NOW THAT'S A COIN SLOT.

- YEAH.[laughter]

- OH!- OH!

- THAT'S DIFFERENT THANA COIN PURSE.

[laughter]

- THIS HAS BEEN AN AWESOME DAY.

- ONCE AGAIN, THANK YOUVERY MUCH FOR COMING IN.

- HEY, DUDE.THANK YOU FOR COMING, BRO.

- THANK YOU.IT WAS AWESOME.

FINALLY, THIS CHAPTERIN MY LIFE,

THE TRAMP STAMP CHAPTER,IS GONE, IT'S DONE.

CONFIDENCE HAS BASICALLYREPLACED THE ANXIETY THAT I FELT

SURROUNDING THIS TATTOO.

- LATER, BRO.- ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS.

- HEY, BE SAFE GETTING HOME,ALL RIGHT?

- TAKE CARE, YOU GUYS.- GOOD TO MEET YOU, MAN.

- YOU TOO.- WOW, DUDE.

- WHAT HAYDEN DID TODAY WASA HUGE THING, MAN.

JUST FOR COMING ON HEREAND SAYING--

AND SAYING WHAT HIS SITUATIONWAS AND--

- SAYING--ABSOLUTELY.THAT'S A BIG DEAL.

- YEAH, DISCUSSING THE FACT THAT

HE WASN'T COMFORTABLE WITH ITAT FIRST,

AND THEN, YOU KNOW--

- YEAH, THAT'S PRETTY CRAZY,DUDE.

I CAN'T EVEN GROWA BEARD LIKE THAT.

- [laughs]

OH, NO.- I'M GOING HOME!

- ALL RIGHT, YO, YOU ARE DONE.

- SWEET.

I'M ABOUT TO SEE MY TATTOO,

AND IF THE WORD "SLUT" IS STILLON MY ARM,

I WILL BE DEVASTATED BECAUSE

FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE,I WILL BE BRANDED "SLUT."

- EXCITED?- SO READY TO SEE THIS.

[laughs]- WELL, TAKE A LOOK.

- OH, MY GOD.

I'M ABOUT TO CRY.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

OH, MY GOD.IT'S GORGEOUS.

- ARE YOU BUGGING OUT?- [laughs] YEAH, I AM.

- AWESOME, MAN.

- IT'S BEYOND WORDS.I LOVE BOTH WINGS.

THE FACE TURNED OUT BEAUTIFUL.

THE MOON BEHIND IT--IT'S ALL GORGEOUS.

IT TURNED OUT WAY BETTER THANI COULD EVER IMAGINE.

YOU DID THE IMPOSSIBLE,AND I AM SO GRATEFUL.

I AM WAY GRATEFUL.

- IT WAS VERY DARK, GEOMETRICSHAPES, SO WHAT I DID WAS,

I RESHAPED IT SO IT LOOKED LIKEA POST-APOCALYPTIC CITY

WHERE THE PHOENIXIS RISING FROM THESE ASHES.

I USED THE TEXTURE AND THEFEATHERS OF THE PHOENIX'S NECK

TO COVER THE REST OFTHE LETTERING.

PLEASURE TO WORK WITH YOU.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.- PLEASURE TO MEET YOU

AND HAVE YOU WORK ON ME.

- PLEASURE TO MEET YOU, MAN.- THANK YOU.

I FEEL LIKE THE WORLD HAS BEENLIFTED OFF MY SHOULDERS

BECAUSE I NO LONGERHAVE TO BE KNOWN AS A SLUT,

OR LABELED JUST BECAUSEOF ONE TATTOO.

- BE SAFE, OKAY?- ALL RIGHT.

YOU HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.- AWESOME, YOU TOO.

- ALL RIGHT, MY MAN.WE'RE DONE!

- THANK GOD!

I'M GETTING READYTO SEE THIS TATTOO,

AND I DON'T KNOWWHAT TO THINK.

IF I CAN STILL SEE THE PENISTATTOO THROUGH THE COVER-UP,

I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHATI'M GONNA DO.

- YOU READY TO SEE THIS PENISBE GONE?

- I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR FIVEYEARS TO SEE THIS PENIS BE GONE.

[laughter]

- GO FOR IT!FIVE YEARS, NO MAS!

- OH, MY GOD.

AWESOME.- [laughs]

- YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW GOOD THISIS GONNA GO OVER

WITH MY WIFE WHEN I GET HOME.

THAT PENIS IS GONE,

AND HERE I AM WITHA FANTASTIC NEW TATTOO.

IT LOOKS LIKE IT GLOWS.IT'S, LIKE, ALMOST ON FIRE.

IT'S INSANE.

I'M ABSOLUTELY BLOWN AWAY.

- I WANTED IT TO LOOK LIKEHE WAS, LIKE,

IGNITING WITH ELECTRICITY,

LIKE HE'S FULL OF POWER.- RIGHT.

- ANUBIS HAD A LOT OF JEWELRYON THE NECKLINE,

AND THAT'S WHERE I HID MOST OFTHE COVER-UP,

AND FREE-HANDED A LOT OF STUFFAS I WENT UP THE NECKLINE

TO GET RIDE OF THAT PENIS.

THAT LINE WORK WAS SOLID,AND I REALLY HAD TO CHANGE

EVERY ASPECT OF IT ASI DID THE TATTOO.

- I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH, MAN.- YOU'RE WELCOME.

- YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU DIDFOR ME TODAY.

- YOU'RE VERY WELCOME.- GUS CHANGED MY LIFE BY TAKING

A PENIS OFF MY LEG

AND TAKING AWAY A LIFETIMEOF QUESTIONING AND ANGER

BETWEEN MY WIFE OVERTHE LAST FIVE YEARS.

THANK YOU.- HAVE A GOOD NIGHT, DUDE.

- THANK YOU.- ALL RIGHT.

ANOTHER GOOD DAY MAKING DADDIESPROUD ACROSS THE U.S. OF A.

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