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Deep Fried Death

70s darts and death; a thief bites his tongue; a groupie falls for a snake; Typhoid Mary goes down.

- WHOO!

announcer:WHEN IT COMES TO DECADES,

THE 1970s WEREA PLAYGROUND FOR DEATH.

- [coughs]CAREFUL.

announcer: PEOPLE DROVECARS THAT BLEW UP,

THOUGHT THE SUNWAS GOOD FOR THEM,

AND DIDN'T THINK TWICEABOUT DRINKING AND SMOKING

WHILE PREGNANT.

- BYE, LADIES!

- LAMAR BROUGHT SOMEOF THE GOOD STUFF HERE.

announcer:THEY EVEN THOUGHT

THE NEW DRUG ON THE SCENE,COCAINE,

WAS A NON-ADDICTIVEMIRACLE DRUG.

- DID YOU HIT THAT?

- THE THING ABOUTTHE '70s, MAN--

DRINKING CHEESE,EATING BLOODY MEAT,

SNIFFING COCAINE,WEARING PLATFORMS,

MAN HAD JUST LOST HIS MIND.

HE WAS OUT OF CONTROL.

'CAUSE WE WERESTILL SOUPED UP

'CAUSE WE HAD WENT TOTHE MOON IN THE '60s.

THAT'S WHY WE DIDN'T GETNOTHIN' DONE IN THE '70s.

announcer: MATTHEWAND HIS FRIENDS

WERE PARTYING DOWN'70s STYLE...

- SABBATH, SABBATH!

WE NEED MORE HEAT HERE!

announcer: WHICH MEANTA LOT OF DRUGS, BOOZE,

AND BAD JUDGMENT.

- HEY, YOU WANTSOME MORE HEAT?

ANYONE WANT MY FLUID?

[laughs]

WE NEED SOME MORE--

[explosion]

[cheering]

announcer: HAVING NARROWLYESCAPED A FIERY DEATH,

MATTHEW BRINGS OUTANOTHER EXAMPLE

OF WHAT WAS WRONGWITH THE '70s.

- ALL RIGHT,WHO'S UP FIRST?

announcer: LAWN DARTS.

- ALL RIGHT, SHOW MEHOW TO USE YOUR DART.

- HERE, GIVE ME THAT.

ALL RIGHT, YOU PUT THISOVER HERE.

- UH-HUH.

- JUST NICE AND EASY.

- THESE THINGS RIGHT HERE.WHEW!

DANGEROUS.YOU KNOW WHY?

MOST OF THE TIME,WHEN PEOPLE PLAYED WITH THESE,

THEY WERE DRUNK.

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

I'LL SHOW YOU HOW IT'S DONEHERE. ALL RIGHT.

HERE WE GO.

- CHECK THIS OUT, SUGAR.- WHOA!

- [screams]

announcer: JUST ASHE TOSSED THE DART,

MATTHEW WAS DISTRACTED

BY ANOTHER '70s INVENTION,BREAST BARING.

- [screams]

announcer: THE HEAVYMETAL-TIPPED DART

CAME DOWN WITH ENOUGHSPEED AND FORCE

TO WORK IT'S WAY THROUGHMATT'S SKULL PLATES,

THROUGH SOFT BRAIN TISSUE,

AND EXITED OUT THE BRIDGEOF HIS NOSE.

DEATH CAMEINSTANTANEOUSLY.

- LAMAR BROUGHT SOMEOF THE GOOD STUFF HERE.

announcer: MATTHEWHAD A LOT IN COMMON

WITH EIGHT-TRACK TAPES,SHAG CARPETING,

AND PLATFORM SHOES.

- CHECK THIS OUT, SUGAR.- HOO-HA!

- [screams]

- NONE OF THEM MADE ITOUT OF THE '70s.

- HERE'SYOUR CRAPPY MUSIC!

announcer:TINA WAS DETERMINED

TO SCREW HER WAYTO THE TOP.

- YOU'RE MY EVERYTHING!- MORE CRAPPY MUSIC!

announcer:WHEN SHE FOUND OUT

HER BOYFRIEND'SRECORD DEAL FELL THROUGH,

SHE THREW HIMAND HIS STUFF OUT THE DOOR.

- YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOWTO MAKE ANY GOOD MUSIC!

announcer: HER HOT BODYWAS FOR PLAYTIME,

BUT ONLY FOR DUDESWHO GOT AIRTIME.

ASS[...]!- AAH!

announcer: HER LATEST EXLEFT IN SUCH A HURRY,

HE FORGOT HIS PETBOA CONSTRICTOR...

- THAT'S RIGHT.GOOD RIDDANCE, LOSER!

announcer: WHICH DECIDEDTO PUT THE SQUEEZE

ON THEOPPORTUNISTIC GROUPIE.

- LET GO OF ME!

- [grunts]

- THE BOA CONSTRICTORCONSTRICTED AROUND HER NECK

BECAUSE IT WAS AFRAIDOF FALLING.

THAT'S WHAT BOAS DO.

THEY HANG ONTO TREES.

THE 12 POUNDSPER SQUARE INCH PRESSURE

THAT A BOA CAN PUTAROUND YOUR NECK

IS VERY MUCH LIKETHE POLICE THROAT CHOKE.

YOU'RE GONNA BE A DEAD MONKEYIN ABOUT TEN MINUTES.

- [coughing and gasping]

GET OFF ME!

announcer: THE SNAKE WASNO MATCH FOR THIS MEDUSA,

BUT THIS WASTHE ONLY HOME HE KNEW,

SO HE FOUND A WAY BACK IN.

THAT NIGHT, TINA, WHO SEEMEDTO LIVE IN HER UNDERWEAR,

CRANKED UP THE HEATAND HIT THE BOTTLE.

MEANWHILE, THE BOAHAD SNAKED HIS WAY

IN A WARM EXHAUST VENT ONITS WAY BACK INTO THE HOUSE.

AS TIME PASSED,TINA BEGAN TO FEEL DIZZY

AND NAUSEOUS.

SHE THOUGHT SHE WAS JUSTGETTING A GOOD BUZZ ON,

BUT NOT THIS TIME.

THIS TIME,THE LOW-RENT SKANK

STAGGERED AROUNDHER GHETTO PAD,

TOPPLED OVER, AND DIED.

GAS FURNACES PRODUCEDEADLY CARBON MONOXIDE

THAT IS USUALLY CARRIEDOUT OF THE HOUSE

THROUGHA VENTILATION DUCT.

LITTLE DID SHE KNOW,HER BOYFRIEND'S SNAKE

HAD PARKED ITSELFIN THE DUCT,

TRAPPING THE LETHAL GASINSIDE.

AS IT FILLED THE HOUSE,TINA WAS EXPOSED

TO A CO CONCENTRATION

OF AS MUCH AS 1,600 PARTSPER MILLION.

- SOMEONE WHO'SDRINKING ALCOHOL

AND ALSO IN THE PRESENCEOF CARBON MONOXIDE

COULD EASILY CONFUSETHE TWO SYMPTOMS,

BECAUSE THEY BOTHCAN CAUSE HEADACHE,

DROWSINESS, NAUSEA.

AS YOU BREATHE INCARBON MONOXIDE,

IT BINDS TO THE HEMOGLOBININ YOUR BLOOD VERY STRONGLY,

WHICH WILL NOT ALLOW THATHEMOGLOBIN TO BIND OXYGEN,

AND YOU WILL BASICALLYSUFFOCATE YOUR BODY,

AND THAT WILLLEAD TO DEATH.

- GET YOUR THINGSAND GET OUT!

- TINA WAS A HARD-BODIEDROCK HO

WITH A NASTY MEAN STREAK.

- THAT'S RIGHT.GOOD RIDDANCE, LOSER!

announcer: IF SHEHADN'T BEEN SO MEAN,

SHE WOULDN'T BE SO DEAD.

ROCK ON, BITCH.

announcer:DUKE WAS A FIRST-CLASS,

"A" NUMBER ONE BASTARD.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING OVER HERE?THE MESS IS OVER HERE.

- CHERRY WAS A DOWN-ON-HER-LUCKCOCKTAIL WAITRESS

WHO MADE THE MISTAKE OFBORROWING MONEY FROM DUKE

TO PAY BACKA GAMBLING DEBT.

- GET A MOVE ON, CHERRY!BEFORE IT STAINS THE CARPET!

announcer: BEING A MEAN,CRUEL SON OF A BITCH,

DUKE WAS MAKING CHERRYPAY IT OFF

BY BEINGHIS PERSONAL SLAVE.

- MISSED A SPOT.[laughs]

announcer: DUKE DIDEVERYTHING HE COULD

TO MAKE CHERRY'S TIME THEREA LIVING HELL,

LIKE CLEANING MOTORCYCLE PARTSIN THE LIVING ROOM

WITH GASOLINE.

- CHERRY,CLEAN UP THIS MESS!

I'M HEADING OUTWITH THE BOYS!

announcer: SHE DID HER BESTTO ACCOMMODATE

THE ILL-TEMPERED DUKE.

A FEW MORE WEEKS,AND SHE'D BE ALL SQUARE

AND OUT OF THERE.

- I GOT THE PLACE CLEANFOR YOU.

- OH.YOU MISSED A SPOT.

I GOTTA TAKE A DUMP.

announcer:TAKING DUMPS

WAS THE ONE THINGDUKE EXCELLED AT.

NOBODY COULD LET IT FLYLIKE THIS GUY.

BUT THIS DUMP WAS ABOUT TO TAKEA "TURD" FOR THE WORSE.

WHILE DUKE WAS OUT, CHERRYCLEANED UP THE SPILLED GASOLINE.

WITHOUT THINKING,SHE DUMPED IT IN THE BOWL,

BUT FORGOT TO FLUSH.

SO WHEN DUKE CELEBRATED

ANOTHER SUCCESSFULBOWEL MOVEMENT

WITH A SMOKE,

YOU KNOW WHAT HITTHE FAN.

IT'S NOT THE LIQUID ITSELFTHAT BURNS,

BUT THE VAPORS THAT ARECREATED BY THE LIQUID.

THE CONTENTS THAT WEREALREADY IN THE TOILET

COMBINED WITH THE NATURALMETHANE GAS,

AND WHEN THE CIGARETTEWAS ADDED TO THE MIXTURE,

IT BECAMEAN IGNITION SOURCE

AND IT BLEW UP.

announcer: DUKE'S LARD ASSWAS LAUNCHED OFF THE CRAPPER

LIKE A SCUD MISSILE.

- WITH A CLOSE PROXIMITYEXPLOSION

TO THE PERINEALAND PELVIC REGION,

THE FORCE THAT'S TRANSMITTEDTO THAT REGION

CAN CAUSESIGNIFICANT DISRUPTION

OF THE PELVIC ELEMENTS.

THAT CAN CAUSEIMMEDIATE DISRUPTION

OF THE BLOOD VESSELS

AND CAUSE EXSANGUINATION,

WHICH CAUSES DEATHFAIRLY QUICKLY.

announcer: AND SO, ANOTHERDOUCHE BAG BITES THE DUST.

LET'S TAKE A MOMENT

WHILE WE OFFERTHIS CRAPPED-OUT CREEP

A FEW LAST WORDS.

- [laughs]

announcer: HEY, DUKE.

BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS.

[explosion]

Captioning by CaptionMaxwww.captionmax.com

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