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Mister Death

A jersey chaser gets sacked; an OCD-er dies cleaning; a terrorist dies eating; a dog fighter gets boned.

announcer: ABDUL WASA COLD-BLOODED KILLER

WHO BLEW UPA PAKISTANI POLICE STATION.

HE WAS CAUGHT, CONVICTED,AND SENTENCED TO LIFE

IN THIS HELLHOLEOF A PRISON.

CONSIDERING HIS CRIMEAND THE CONDITIONS OF THE JAIL,

HIS LIFEWOULD BE SHORT-LIVED...

UNLESS HE ESCAPED.

ABDUL CAME UP WITH A PLAN.

GO ON A HUNGER STRIKEAND LOSE ENOUGH WEIGHT

TO SQUEEZETHROUGH THE BARS.

OVER THE COURSEOF TWO MONTHS,

HE PARED AWAY HIS POT BELLY

AND TRIMMED DOWNJUST ENOUGH

TO GIVE HIS CAPTORSTHE SLIP.

AN HOUR AFTER HIS ESCAPE,

HE WAS BACK IN THE ARMSOF HIS TERRORIST BROTHERS.

[speaking native language]

ABDUL WAS HUNGRIER THAN A CAMELAFTER CROSSING THE SAHARA.

HE COULDN'T STUFFHIS FACE FAST ENOUGH.

- [coughing]

announcer: BUT WHAT ABDULDIDN'T KNOW WAS

THE WORST THINGA STARVING MAN CAN DO

IS EAT TOO MUCH TOO FAST.

- [speaks native language]

- [gasping]

announcer: IF HE DOES,

HE RISKS SOMETHING CALLED...

REFEEDING SYNDROME.

- WHEN DEALINGWITH STARVATION,

AND ESPECIALLYEXTREME STARVATION,

IT'S IMPERATIVE TO REINTRODUCEFOOD VERY SLOWLY.

OTHERWISE, THE BODYWILL SHIFT TOO RAPIDLY

FROM FAT METABOLISM

TO CARBOHYDRATEMETABOLISM.

THIS RAPID SHIFTWILL DESTROY

THE RED BLOOD CELLS' ABILITYTO CARRY OXYGEN,

THUS CAUSINGHIS ORGANS TO FAIL,

AND CAUSING DEATH.

announcer: ABDUL WAS A BAD MAN

WHO THOUGHT HE COULD ESCAPEHIS FATE AND FIND FREEDOM.

BUT ALLAH PUNISHESTHE WICKED

WHO DO NOT GIVE THANKSFOR THEIR BOUNTY.

- [gasping]

announcer: [with Arabic accent]PASS THE HUMMUS.

GOD IS GREAT.

PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES ENJOYALL THE TRAPPINGS OF SUCCESS,

BUT THEIR FAME AND FORTUNEMAKE THEM TARGETS.

- YOU MAY FEEL LIKE,HEY!

announcer: JEROME ISA STAR FOOTBALL PLAYER.

CINDY, THE GIRLHANGING ALL OVER HIM...

- LET'S GET IN THE HOUSE.

announcer: IS WHAT'S KNOWNAS A JERSEY CHASER.

THE NIGHT BEFORE,SHE BRIBED A BOUNCER

TO GAIN ACCESSTO A CLUB'S V.I.P. SECTION,

WHERE JEROME WAS PARTYING.

NOW SHE'S IN LOVE...

WITH HIS CELEBRITYAND HIS BANK ACCOUNT.

- JERSEY CHASERS, YOU KNOW,

JUST LIKE THE GROUPIESFOR THE ROCK STARS,

IT'S THE SAME THING,YOU KNOW.

THEY COME FOR US.

I'VE SEEN GIRLS IN YOUR ROOM,IN YOUR BATHROOM

WHEN YOU GO IN THERE.

YOU DON'T KNOWWHERE SHE CAME FROM,

BUT SHE KNOWSALL YOUR INFORMATION,

SHE KNOWS WHO YOU ARE,KNOWS YOUR NAME, BIRTH DATES.

YOU KNOW, THEY'REREALLY RELENTLESS

AT WHAT THEY WOULDTRY TO DO.

announcer: IT WAS JUSTANOTHER SCORE FOR JEROME,

BUT WHILE HE SLEPT IT OFF,

CINDY MADE HERSELF AT HOME.

MAYBE IT WAS THE CONCUSSIONHE SUFFERED THIS SEASON,

BECAUSE WHEN JEROMEWOKE UP,

HE HAD NO RECOLLECTIONOF HIS NIGHT WITH CINDY.

[pan clanks]

JEROME, LIKEA LOT OF PRO ATHLETES,

KEPT A LOT OF CASHIN THE HOUSE

AND A LOT OF GUNS.

- WE'RE LIKE ROCK STARS.

YOU KNOW, WE HAVEA LOT OF CASH ON US,

AND SO WE HAVE TO CARRYOUR GUNS

TO PROTECT OURSELVES.

ONE UPSTAIRS, ONE DOWNSTAIRS,ONE IN THE BASEMENT--

YOU KNOW,IF SOMETHING HAPPENS,

I'LL HAVE THE GUN STASHEDSOMEWHERE

THAT SOMEBODY WON'T KNOW.

- GOOD MORNING, SWEETIE.I'M MAKING BREAKFAST.

I'M JUST GONNA PUT THE BUNSIN THE OVEN.

- NO!

announcer:OKAY, 1000 WAYS FANS,

TIME TO PLAY,"WHY DOESN'T JEROME

WANT HER TO USE THE OVEN?"

IS IT, "A," A GAS LEAK,

"B," THAT'S WHERE HE DRIESHIS JOCKSTRAPS,

OR "C"...[oven bell dings]

- OHH!

announcer:THAT'S WHERE HE KEEPS A GUN.

[bell dinging]

- WHEN THE REVOLVER WAS PLACEDIN THE OVEN

AND THE OVEN TURNED UPTO 400 DEGREES,

METAL BEING AN INCREDIBLECONDUCTOR OF HEAT,

REALLY CONDUCTEDALL THAT 400 DEGREES

TO THE ROUND THAT WASIN THE CHAMBER OF THE WEAPON.

THIS WOULD CAUSE THE ROUNDTO COOK OFF FROM HEAT,

CAUSING THE GUNPOWDERTO IGNITE,

AND THUS,FIRING THE BULLET.

announcer: YOU DON'T NEEDTO BE A BRAIN SURGEON

TO FIGURE OUTHER CAUSE OF DEATH.

ONE QUESTION LINGERSAFTER WATCHING

THIS TRAGIC TALEOF MODERN ROMANCE.

- GOOD MORNING, SWEETIE.I'M MAKING BREAKFAST.

announcer: JEROME, WHY THE HELLDID YOU HIDE A GUN IN THE OVEN?

- OHH!

[crow cawing]

announcer:IF YOU THOUGHT CHAIN GANGS

WERE A THING OF THE PAST,YOU'D BE WRONG.

- DON'T TEST ME, SIMMONS.

announcer: BECAUSETHEY'RE ALIVE AND WELL

IN MARICOPA, ARIZONA.

- LESS TALKIN',MORE PICKIN'.

announcer: MACK AND BILLYWERE DOING 30 YEARS

FOR A STRINGOF VIOLENT ROBBERIES.

THIS CHAIN GANG EXPERIMENT

WAS AN OPPORTUNITYTO ESCAPE.

- NEXT CAR THAT'SCOMING DOWN THAT ROAD,

WHEN IT STOPSAT THAT STOP SIGN,

IT'LL BEOUR TICKET OUT OF HERE.

- THERE HAS BEENA LITTLE BIT OF A MOVEMENT

TO BRING CHAIN GANGS BACKIN SEVERAL STATES,

UH, MOSTLY IN THE SOUTH.

BUT CHAIN GANGSHAVE ALWAYS BEEN PROBLEMATIC.

FROM THE VERY BEGINNING,

THERE HAVE BEEN SIGNIFICANTNUMBERS OF ESCAPES

FROM CHAIN GANGS.

THEY'RE ALSO SUSCEPTIBLETO VERY HARSH TREATMENT.

AND THE VERY SHAME PARTOF THIS

IS SOMETHING THAT MAKES ITCONTROVERSIAL FOR MANY PEOPLE.

announcer: TODAY,THAT FICKLE LADY CALLED LUCK

SEEMED TO BEON MACK AND BILLY'S SIDE.

- I'M GONNA TAKE A LEAK.YOU GOT THIS?

- YEAH.

announcer: JUST AS NATURE CALLEDONE OF THE GUARDS,

THEY SPOTTED A PICKUP TRUCKCOMING UP THE ROAD.

THIS WAS THEIR CHANCE.

- [groans]

announcer: THE STOP SIGNWAS ALL THEY NEEDED.

THE CHAIN-GANGERSWERE ON THEIR WAY.

[country rock playing]THE DRIVER WAS KICKING IT

TO SOME EAR-SPLITTINGCOUNTRY MUSIC

AND DIDN'T HEAROR NOTICE A THING.

[loud bump]

BUT THEN LADY LUCKTURNED INTO A VINDICTIVE BITCH.

- [screaming]

announcer: AND PROCEEDEDTO GIVE MACK AND BILLY

A FATAL CASE OF ROAD RASH.

- WHILE THEY WEREBEING DRAGGED,

THEY LOST SKIN,

THEY SUFFEREDMULTIPLE BROKEN BONES

AND MASSIVEINTERNAL INJURIES,

AND SEVERE HEAD TRAUMA.

THEY WERE ESSENTIALLYDRAGGED TO DEATH.

announcer: MACK AND BILLYWERE ROBBERS

WHO MADE A BREAKFOR FREEDOM.

BUT FORTHESE TWO SCUM BUCKETS

FREEDOM'SJUST ANOTHER WORD FOR...

DEAD.

THERE ARE 200,000 SEX WORKERSIN THAILAND,

AND DAVE WAS DETERMINEDTO VISIT THEM ALL.

MEE-YUNG'S MASSAGE PARLORWAS FAMOUS

FOR CUTTINGRIGHT TO THE CHASE.

- MM, NICE.I LIKE THAT.

announcer: SHE STARTEDWITH A HAPPY ENDING.

[sleazy music]

- [panting]

OH, YEAH, LIKE THAT.

OH, THAT'S GOOD.[clock ticking]

announcer: BUT AFTER A MONTHOF HARD SEX TOURING,

DAVE WAS RUBBED OUT.

- FOCUS.- YEAH, I AM.

I'M FOCUSED, OKAY?

- 5% OF MENWHO ARE 40 AND UNDER

ALREADY HAVEMALE SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION.

DELAYED EJACULATIONIS WHEN A MAN CAN'T EJACULATE.

PSYCHOLOGICAL CAUSESINCLUDE ANXIETY,

FEAR OF PERFORMANCE,

OR DEPRESSION.

[ticking]

- COME ON!- WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

announcer: A BUZZING SOUND

WAS MESSINGWITH DAVE'S CONCENTRATION.

[buzzing]- YOU DON'T HEAR THAT?

- NO.

- I CAN'T CONCENTRATEWITH THAT BUZZING.

- WHERE?

- IT'S, I DON'T KNOW,THE OUTLET OR SOMETHING.

- OKAY.

- OH, JEEZ.

- MEE-YUNG HAD A LOOK.

- TALK ABOUT A BUZZ KILL.

[buzzing]

- AAH!

[screams]

announcer:AND DAVE WAS INTRODUCED

TO THE WORLD'SSCARIEST INSECT.

- OW!

announcer:THE ASIAN GIANT HORNET.

- WHAT THE--

- IN JAPAN ALONE,THIS FLYING TIGER,

THIS ASIAN HORNET,

KILLS MORE PEOPLETHAN ANY OTHER ANIMAL.

THAT'SINCLUDING SPIDERS, SNAKES,

AND ANY OTHER VENOMOUS ANIMALPUT TOGETHER.

WHEN A SCOUT GOES OUT,HE ACTUALLY HAS A PHEROMONE.

THE SIGNAL IS OUT.IT'S LIKE A RADIO WAVE.

HERE THEY COME.

- [groans]DAMN, THAT HURTS!

announcer: THE SCENTFROM THE DEAD HORNET

BROUGHT OUT THE RESTOF THE NEST.

- NO. NO![screaming]

announcer:AND AFTER MULTIPLE STINGS,

DAVE'S SEX TOURHIT A DEAD END.

- THE STINGER ALONEIS 1/4 INCH LONG.

MANDARATOXINIS THE ACTUAL VENOM.

THAT'S THE TOXINTHAT DOES THE DAMAGE.

THERE'S SO MUCH OF IT.

THERE'S, LIKE,TEN TIMES MORE THAN A BEE

WOULD EVER GIVE YOU.

HE'S GONNA START MELTINGFROM THE INSIDE OUT.

ROTTING.

IT ACTUALLY EATSALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE BONE.

HE WAS DEADIN SEVERAL MINUTES.

announcer: DAVE WASAN OVERSEXED SEX TOURIST...

- FOCUS.

announcer: WHO WENTFROM HORNY...

- OHH.

announcer: TO HORNET...

- [screaming]

announcer: TO DEAD.

ARE YOU HAPPYWITH THAT ENDING, DAVE?

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