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Fatal Distractions

A drug lord gets a heads up; a glutton goes belly up; two stoners get bonged; a man-hater gets feminated.

- [throws tantrum]- OH, NO.

WHO WOKE THE BABY?

WE'LL JUST HAVE TO TELL HIMSOME BEDSIDE STORIES

TO CALM HIM DOWN.- YOU'RE A GOOD BABY.

- LIKE THE ONEABOUT THE DRUG LORD

WHO STUCK OUT HIS NECK.

OR THE GUY WHO GOT WAXEDBY A TURTLE.

- WHOA.- WHOA.

- HOW ABOUT THE STONERSWHOSE INVENTION BLEW UP

IN THEIR FACE?

AND THE WOMAN WHO GOTPOTTY-MOUTHED?

- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOINGTO MY DIRT, SHEILA?

- THERE'S A GLUTTONWHO ATE HIMSELF OUT.

- [coughs]- ALL WAR...

- AND THE FEMINISTTHAT HATES SALAMIS.

THEY ALL EXPIREHAPPILY EVER AFTER...

- BUMMER.

- ON THE NEXT EPISODEOF 1000 WAYS TO DIE.

DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.

MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT.

OTHERS CAN'T GET OUTOF ITS WAY.

EVERY DAY,WE FIGHT A NEW WAR

AGAINST GERMS, TOXINS,

INJURY, ILLNESS,

AND CATASTROPHE.

THERE'S A LOT OF WAYSTO WIND UP DEAD.

THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVEAT ALL IS A MIRACLE.

BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE,

WE FACE 1000 WAYS TO DIE.

THE GOLDEN TRIANGLEIN SOUTHEAST ASIA

IS WHERE MOST OF THE WORLD'SOPIUM IS GROWN.

IT PULLS IN BILLIONSFOR THE DRUG LORDS

WHO HIRE GUYS LIKE TINGTO PROTECT THEIR PROFITS.

- IF YOU'RE CAUGHTTRYING TO POACH POPPY FIELDS

IN THE GOLDEN TRIANGLE,

WHAT THESE DRUG CARTELS WILL DOIS TORTURE YOU.

ONE OF THE WAYSTHEY'LL TORTURE YOU

IS TAKE A HUNGRY RAT,PUT IT IN A BOX,

AND THEN SHOVE YOUR HEADIN THE BOX

AND LET THE RAT EATYOUR FACE OFF

INTO YOUR EYEBALLS,INTO YOUR BRAIN,

AND KILL YOU THAT WAY.

- TING HAD HIS OWN SPECIAL WAYOF DISCOURAGING TRESPASSERS.

IN FACT, TING HAD A THINGFOR HEADS.

AFTER CUTTING THEM OFF,

HE WOULD MOUNT THEM ON POSTSAROUND THE COMPOUND

AS A HEADS UP WARNINGTO OTHER POTENTIAL POACHERS.

[women laughing]

MOST OF THE TIME,

TING WOULD SIT BACKAND ENJOY THE PERKS OF THE JOB.

[cell phone rings]

BUT WHEN DUTY CALLED...- OKAY.

- HE WAS ALL BUSINESS.

JUST ANOTHER COUPLEOF DRUG LORD WANNABES

WHO THOUGHT THEY'D GOINTO BUSINESS FOR THEMSELVES.

[shouting]

TING WAS ON THEM LIKE A FLYON WATER BUFFALO DUNG.

[speaking native language]

BUT HE GOT TURNED AROUNDIN THE HEAT OF THE CHASE

AND FORGOT ABOUT A NEWBOOBY TRAP WIRE

HE HAD RIGGEDA FEW DAYS AGO.

AND TING'S HEAD AND HIS BODYWENT THEIR SEPARATE WAYS.

- THIS GUY WAS TRAVELING ALONGAT SUCH HIGH SPEED,

HE RAN INTO BARBED WIRERIGHT AT THE LEVEL OF HIS NECK.

THE SHARP BARBS ON THE WIRECUT THROUGH THE SOFT TISSUE.

AND THE WIRE ITSELF,ACTING LIKE A GARROTE,

TOOK HIS HEAD RIGHT OFF.

- THE DRUG TRADE IS A DANGEROUSAND RISKY BUSINESS.

TING FLIPPED HIS DEATH COININ THE AIR.

AND WHEN IT CAME DOWN,

IT READ "HEADS, YOU LOSE."

JOE AND CHARLIEWERE A CONTRADICTION.

INDUSTRIOUS STONERS.

TODAY'S PROJECTTHE CLAYMAKER 420.

THE GREATEST AND MOST RADICALBONG EVER.

- SWEET.

- THEY GOT THEIR HANDS

ON SOME POTTERY CLAY

AND WENT TO WORK.

- I'VE SEEN BONGSIN ALL SHAPES AND SIZES.

I'VE SEEN SEVEN FOOT BONGSTHAT YOU GOT TO TAKE APART

LIKE A POOL STICK.

I'VE SEEN BONGS THAT YOU PLUGINTO THE WALL.

- THE CLAYMAKER 420 WAS DESIGNEDWITH A UNIQUE FEATURE

THAT WOULD SET IT APARTFROM ANY OTHER BONG

IN THE STONER KINGDOM.

FLAVOR DISCS.

- WAKE AND BACON, DUDE.

- LET'S SAY YOU JUST WOKE UP

AND YOU'RE READYTO WAKE AND BAKE.

HOW ABOUT A HITOF BACON-FLAVORED WEED?

YOU'LL NEED A HIT OF COFFEETO GO WITH THAT TOO.

OR SUCK DOWN A LUNGFULOF ORANGE-FLAVORED SMOKE.

- SWEET.

- AFTER A FEW HOURSOF HARD WORK,

THE INDUSTRIOUS STONERSSAT BACK TO MARVEL

AT THEIR CREATION.

- WHOA.- WHOA.

- THE CLAYMAKER 420.

- WE'RE GONNA BE RICH, BRO.

- BEFORE THEY COULD STARTRAKING IN THE DOUGH,

THEY FIRST HAD TO FIRETHE CLAY.

- HEY.- HEY, WHAT'S UP?

- ONE OF THEIR FRIENDSHAD A HOMEMADE KILN

IN HER BACKYARD.

THEY POPPED OVER,DROPPED IT IN...

- I HAVE TO TURNTHE GAS ON.

- AND WHILE THEY WAITEDFOR IT TO BAKE,

THEY GOT BAKED.

AFTER A WASTED WHILE,

THE TWO STONERS WENTTO CHECK ON THEIR CREATION.

- IT'S NOT EVEN WARM.

- THE MAKESHIFT KILNHAD FLAMED OUT.

NOTHING A LIT MATCHCOULDN'T FIX.

THEIR INVENTIONWENT FROM BONG TO BOMB.

TURNING THE CLAYINTO DEADLY SHARDS OF SHRAPNEL.

- PROPANE POOLING IS CAUSEDBY THE WEIGHT OF PROPANE.

PROPANE'S HEAVIER THAN AIR

SO IT TENDS TO SETTLETO THE LOWER PARTS

OF THE INSIDE OF A KILN OR AREATHAT'S NOT WELL VENTILATED.

IN A CATASTROPHIC EXPLOSIONLIKE THIS,

THE GAS HAS BEEN ON.

AND SO IT'S BEEN COLLECTINGINSIDE.

SO APPARENTLY WHEN THEY WENTTO IGNITE IT,

THERE WAS ALREADY A POOLOF PROPANE IN THERE

CAUSING THE EXPLOSION.

- THE CLAYMAKER 420COULD'VE MADE JOE AND CHARLIE

A BUNDLE.

INSTEAD, IT COST THEMTHEIR LIVES.

- BUMMER.

- COMING UP, A BIG GLUTTONEATS HIS HEART OUT.

- [coughs]

- AND A BIG BABYGETS A TIME-OUT.

- [throws tantrum]

- THERE'S FOUR WORDSTHAT GET BIG MIKE

OUT POUNDING THE PAVEMENT:

"ALL YOU CAN EAT."

HE SPENDS HIS DAYSGOING FROM ONE CHINESE BUFFET

TO THE NEXT.

TODAY WAS FRIDAY,

WHICH MEANTIT WAS MADAME CHANG'S TURN

TO TAKE THE BIG HIT.

- WELL, WHEN A PERSON COMES INAND WON'T STOP EATING,

IT CAN CERTAINLY CUTINTO THE PROFIT MARGIN.

IT'S REALLY FRUSTRATING

WHEN PEOPLE COMEIN THE RESTAURANT

AND THEY JUST WON'T LEAVE--THEY SIT THERE FOR HOURS ON END

AND ORDER, YOU KNOW,DISH AFTER DISH.

- MIKE WAS ADDICTED

TO THE CHINESEFOOD ENHANCER MSG.

IT WAS THE OPPOSITEOF AN APPETITE SUPPRESSANT.

IT MADE HIM WANTTO EAT MORE.

AFTER HIS FIFTH PLATEOF SPARE RIBS,

HE HIT A SPEED BUMP.

- [coughing]

- HIYA.

- [coughs]

- QUICK ACTIONON MADAME CHANG'S PART

AND MIKE GOT BACKON HIS FEED.

AFTER BREAKING HIS OWN RECORDFOR STUFFING HIS FACE,

IT WAS TIME TO GO.

- NO TIP?

- [scoffs]I'M NOT GONNA TIP YOU.

- DON'T COME BACK!- DON'T WORRY. HE WON'T.

THE AMOUNT OF MSGTHAT HAD BUILT UP IN HIS SYSTEM

WAS WREAKING HAVOCON HIS FAT, CLOGGED HEART.

HE HAD SHORTNESS OF BREATH.

A SHARP PAINSHOT UP HIS LEFT ARM.

HIS EYES GREW WIDEAND HE HIT THE DECK

LIKE A GIANT EGG ROLL.

- OUR HEARTS ACTUALLY HAVEGLUTAMATE RECEPTORS.

INGESTING LARGE AMOUNTSOF THIS MSG,

WHICH IS MONOSODIUM GLUTAMATE,

CAN LEAD TO ARRHYTHMIAS.

IF AN ARRHYTHMIA IS SUSTAINED,IT CAN LEAD TO DEATH.

- A FUNNY THING

ABOUT MIKE'S CHINESE FOODRELATED HEART ATTACK,

AN HOUR LATER,HE WANTED TO DIE AGAIN.

WHAT A LOVELY SCENE.

A YOUNG DADDY PREPARINGA NURSERY FOR HIS FIRSTBORN.

- BABY'S GONNA LOVE THAT.

- I KNOW.

- IS THERE ANYTHING SWEETERTHAN WELCOMING A NEW LIFE

INTO THIS WORLD?

NO, THERE ISN'T.

AND YOU WON'T FIND ITON THIS SHOW.

- HOW'S MY LITTLE BABY?

- AH AH.

- DADDY IS ACTUALLYA WEIRDO NAMED BARNABY.

HE GETS OFFBY DRESSING UP IN SNUGGIES

AND BEING TREATEDLIKE A BABY.

- CAN YOU SAY MOMMY?MOMMY?

- MOMMY IS HIS WIFECANDELA.

HIS PARTNER IN PERVERSION.

- SUCH A GOOD BABY.YES, YOU ARE. YES, YOU ARE.

- TOGETHER, THEY'VE TAKENTHEIR FETISH TO A NEW LEVEL.

- YES.

- A MAN-SIZED CRIB

AND A LARGER-THAN-LIFENURSERY

ADD UP TO A COMPLETELYOVER-THE-TOP EXPLORATION

IN ADULT BABY ROLE PLAYING.

- BABY WANT THE BOOBY.THE BOOBY.

- BREASTFEEDING AT MY AGE

DEFINITELY SEEMSCOMPLETELY NORMAL

AND NOT A DISORDER,BECAUSE THIS IS MY WAY OF LIFE.

THIS IS ALL I KNOW.

- BABY BARNABY ESPECIALLY ENJOYSHIS FEEDING SESSIONS.

- LATCH ON TO THAT NIPPLE.THAT'S RIGHT.

- AND HIS DIAPER CHANGES.- DIRTY BOY.

- OH! NAUGHTY BOY.OH, GOODNESS.

- NO.- NO CRYING! NO CRYING.

- EVEN GOOD BABIESHAVE THEIR MOMENTS.

- [throws tantrum]

- MOMMY'S BOOBIESNEED A REST.

- THAT'S RIGHT. YEAH.

MOMMY'S LEAVING.

- SOMETIMES YOU NEEDTO LET BABIES WORK IT OUT

BY THEMSELVES.

- [throws tantrum]

- NOW HE'S DONE IT.

OH, THE RUG RATWANTS HIS FURRY BACK.

BARNABY'S ABOUT TO DEMONSTRATE

WHY THE GOVERNMENT RECENTLYOUTLAWED ALL DROP-SIDE CRIBS.

UH-OH. THE LITTLE GUY'SGOT AN OWEE.

DOES BABY NEED A BAND-AIDFOR HIS BROKEN NECK BOO-BOO?

DROP-SIDE CRIBSPOSE A RISK FOR ANY BABY.

FOR THIS ADULT-SIZED ONE,

THE 25-POUND GATEDROPPED WITH ENOUGH FORCE

TO SEVER THE SPINE BETWEENTHE SECOND AND THIRD VERTEBRAE.

HE LOST THE ABILITYTO CONTROL HIS DIAPHRAGM

AND STOPPED BREATHING.

- BABY WANT THE BOOBY.

- BARNABY GOT HIS KICKSBY BEING TREATED LIKE A BABY.

- NAUGHTY BOY.

- BUT THEN HIS FUNWAS CAUGHT SHORT BY S.I.D.S.

SUDDEN INFANTILEDUMB-ASS SYNDROME.

NIGHTY NIGHT,YOU TWISTED LITTLE FREAK.

UP NEXT, A BALD EAGLEBEATS OUT A BALD POACHER

AND...- UH, SHEILA?

- A WOMANGIVES NEW MEANING TO...

- WHAT IS IT, MARTY?- DISHING THE DIRT.

- WHEN MR. AND MRS. CHOWGO FOR A HIKE,

THEY'RE NOT LOOKING AT NATURE.

THEY SEE DOLLAR SIGNS.

THE CHOWS SELLS BUGS, BIRDS,SNAKES, AND OTHER CRITTERS

ON THE WILDLIFE BLACK MARKET.

IT'S A CUTTHROAT BUSINESS

WHERE THE ONLY THINGTHAT MATTERS

IS THE ALMIGHTY DOLLAR.

- THE WILD ANIMAL TRADE

IS A MULTIBILLION DOLLARBUSINESS WORLDWIDE.

PEOPLE GO TO GREAT LENGTHSTO GET THESE ANIMALS,

TO SELL THESE ANIMALS.

PLAIN AND SIMPLE,THEY WANT TO MAKE A PROFIT.

THEY DON'T CAREABOUT THE WELFARE OF THE ANIMAL.

THEY'RE GONNA TAKETHAT ANIMAL.

AND OFTENTIMES,

EVEN IF THEY'RE TRYINGTO KEEP IT ALIVE,

THAT ANIMAL'S GOING TO DIE.

- IT LOOKS LIKE THE CHOWSAREN'T THE ONLY ONES

ON THE HUNT.

A BALD EAGLEIS A FORMIDABLE PLAYER

ON THE FOOD CHAIN.

IT'S THE CHOWS' LUCKY DAY.

THEY SPOT A RAREMOSAIC-BACK TURTLE.

IT'S A BLACK MARKET JACKPOT.

BETWEEN THE SHELLAND THE MEAT,

THEY COULD MAKE A QUICKTHOUSAND DOLLARS.

MR. CHOW MIGHT KNOW A GOOD DEALWHEN HE SEES ONE,

BUT HE'S NO MATCHFOR AN EAGLE

IN THE EYESIGHT DEPARTMENT.

BEFORE HE CAN COUNTHIS MONEY,

THE BIG RAPTOR SWOOPS DOWN

AND FLIES OFF WITH HIS PRIZE.

[shouting in native language]

TO REALLY MAKE ITIN THE WILDLIFE BLACK MARKET,

YOU NEEDSOME PRETTY THICK SKIN.

CHOW COULD'VE USEDA THICK SKULL AS WELL.

- AAH!

- BIRDS CAN BE VERY INTELLIGENT.

AND WE'VE ACTUALLY SEEN EAGLESSWOOPING DOWN

AND PICKING UP TURTLES,

TAKING THEM UP,

DROPPING THEM ON HARD SURFACESSUCH AS A ROCK FACE

TO BE ABLE TO BREAKTHE CARAPACE--

THE HARD SHELL OF THE TORTOISEOR TURTLE--

AND GET INTO THAT NICE MEAT.

- THE TURTLE HIT CHOW'S HEADSO HARD,

IT SMASHEDTHROUGH HIS SKULL PLATE

AND DESTROYED THE UPPER PARTOF HIS CEREBRUM.

THIS TOOK OUT HIS ABILITYTO BREATHE

AND TRIGGERED CARDIAC ARRESTENOUGH TO KILL HIM--TWICE.

MR. CHOW MADE A NICE LIVINGBY RIPPING OFF MOTHER NATURE.

SHE RETURNED THE FAVOR

AND MADE A NICE DEATHOUT OF HIM.

- [screaming]

- SHEILA AND MARTYWERE NEIGHBORS.

- UH, SHEILA?

- WHICH MEANS TO SAYTHEY HATED EACH OTHER.

- WHAT IS IT, MARTY?

- MARTY WAS AN OVERZEALOUSECO WARRIOR.

- I FOUND THESE BATTERIESIN YOUR TRASH.

- WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS:

NEXT TIME, I'LL SHOVE THEMUP YOUR ASS, MARTY.

- SHEILA WAS AN EXECUTIVEAT A FAILING SAVINGS AND LOAN.

LATELY, STRESS HAS CAUSED HERTO ACT VERY STRANGELY.

IT'S TURNED HERINTO A GEOPHAGE,

WHICH MEANT SHE LIKEDTO EAT DIRT.

- GEOPHAGIA IS A DISORDERWHERE A PERSON

IS EITHER EATING THE DIRT

BECAUSE THEY'RE LACKINGSOMETHING NUTRITIONALLY,

OR BECAUSE THEY'RE USING IT

TO MANAGE THEIR ANXIETYAND STRESS.

- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOINGTO MY DIRT, SHEILA?

- FOR SHEILA, ROCKY ROADWAS A BIG BOWL

OF MARTY'S ORGANIC SOIL.

- SHEILA?

- BUT WHAT SHE DIDN'T REALIZE

WAS THAT MARTY'S DIRTWAS A HOMEMADE MIXTURE

OF COMPOSTAND HIS OWN WASTE MATTER.

- WHEN SOMEONE INGESTSFECAL MATTER,

THEY'RE INGESTINGTHE WASTE PRODUCT

OF OUR DIGESTIVE SYSTEM.

THEY CAN CONTRACTSEVERAL DISEASES,

ONE OF THOSE BEING E. COLI.

- SHEILA HAD CONTRACTEDA VIRULENT STRAIN OF E. COLI.

HER SYMPTOMS INCLUDEDNAUSEA AND DIARRHEA,

BUT NO FEVER.

SHE THOUGHT SHE HADA MILD FLU

AND DIDN'T BOTHERTO SEE A DOCTOR.

BUT AFTER THREE DAYS,

THE E. COLI BACTERIA INFLAMEDHER COLON

AND SPREAD THROUGHOUTHER DIGESTIVE TRACT.

EVENTUALLY, HER KIDNEYSBEGAN TO FAIL,

POISONING THE REST OF HER BODY.

WITHIN A WEEK,SHEILA WAS DEAD.

- THE MORE VIRULENT STRAINSOF E. COLI

CAN ACTUALLY CAUSEWHAT WE CALL BLOODY DIARRHEA.

AND THIS RESULTSIN NOT ONLY HEMORRHAGE

OR BLEEDING,

BUT IT CAN ACTUALLY INVADETHE KIDNEYS.

AND AT THIS POINT,

IT CAN OVERWHELM THE BODY'SDEFENSE MECHANISM.

- SHEILA ATE DIRTLIKE THERE WAS NO TOMORROW.

AFTER CHOWING DOWNON MARTY'S SOILED SOIL,

THERE WASN'T ANY.

- TWIST AND PULL!

- AN ANGRY FEMINISTWANTS TO CUT MEN DOWN TO SIZE

COMING UP.

- WELL, WOMEN...- TAKE COVER, MEN.

- FIGHT BACK!

- THE VERY THINGSWE HOLD PRECIOUS

ARE UNDER ATTACK.

- MEN ARE A DISEASE.

- THIS IS FRIDA.

SHE'S THE FOUNDEROF AN ULTRA RADICAL GROUP

OF FEMINISTS CALLED"CENTURIES OF WOMYN"

OR C.O.W.

- ALL WAR, ALL VIOLENCE,ALL AGGRESSION ON PLANET EARTH

IS CAUSED BY MEN.

- THE C.O.W.s ARE A CULTOF MAN HATERS

WITH FRIDAAS THEIR MESSIANIC LEADER.

THINK DAVID KORESHIN A PUSH-UP BRA.

- TESTICLES ARE A WEAPONOF MASS DESTRUCTION.

IT'S TIME TO FIGHT BACK!

- MEN ARE CONSIDERED ENEMIESDUE TO THEIR INNATE NATURE

OF WANTING AND EVEN NEEDINGTO CONTROL OTHER GROUPS

AND HAVE POWER.

ESPECIALLY IN THE WORLDOF CAPITALISM,

WHERE MEN SEIZE THE POWEROF CORPORATIONS

AND SOCIAL STRUCTURESFOR THEIR OWN GENDER.

- THE C.O.W.sARE TOTALLY UNDERGROUND

AND HAVE BEEN LINKEDWITH SEVERAL INCIDENTS

INVOLVING HUMILIATING ACTSOF SEXUAL VIOLENCE

ON UNSUSPECTING MENIN BROAD DAYLIGHT.

- TWIST AND PULL!

[chanting "twist and pull"]

- RALLY OVER,THE FIERY FRIDA

WOULD HEAD BACKTO HER HOTEL ROOM

AND UNWIND THE BEST WAYSHE KNEW HOW.

SOMETIMES A WOMAN'S BEST FRIENDIS BATTERY-POWERED.

A NEW VIBRATORSENT BY HER LOVER BACK HOME

NEEDED A WORKOUT.

BUT IT DIDN'T WORK OUTAS EXPECTED.

- AH! AH! OW! OH.

OH. OH.

- IT WASN'T A VIBRATORHER LOVER SENT TO HER.

IT WAS A 1,000 KILOVOLTELECTRIC SHOCK DEVICE.

WHAT THE C.O.W.s REFERRED TOAS A "MANSWER."

FRIDA'S NEW ANTI-MAN DEVICESENT A SHOCK

THROUGH HER SYSTEMTHAT SHUT HER UP FOREVER.

- EVEN THOUGH THE TASINGWAS HAPPENING

FROM AN AREA DISTANTFROM THE HEART,

IT INDUCEDVENTRICULAR FIBRILLATION

WHEREBY THE HEART IS UNABLETO PUMP BLOOD OUT PROPERLY

ENOUGH TO INDUCECARDIAC ARREST AND SHE DIED.

AFFECTIVELY, SHE STIMULATEDHERSELF TO DEATH.

- IT'S TIME TO FIGHT BACK!

- FRIDA FORMED THE C.O.W.s

BECAUSE SHE WANTEDTO WAGE WAR ON MEN.

[chanting "twist and pull"]

MEN, WE CAN BREATHE EASIERNOW THAT...

- AH. AH! OH.

- FRIDA CAN'T.

Captioning by CaptionMaxwww.captionmax.com

- ♪ IT'S ORIGINAL

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