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Death On a Stick

Slip and slide becomes slip and die; a gigolo goes gums up; a boy band hits rock bottom.

OKAY, CLASS, LISTEN UP.

TODAY'S SUBJECT:THE SPANISH INQUISITION.

[men screaming]

IN 1478, THE CHURCHAND GOVERNMENT GOT TOGETHER

AND PUT THE SCREWSTO ANYONE THEY FELT LIKE.

IF SOMEONE WAS ACCUSEDOF HERESY OR BEING A HEATHEN,

THEY COULD KISS THEIR DIRTY,MEDIEVAL BUTTS GOOD-BYE.

[bell tolling]

- THE SPANISH INQUISITIONWAS A RELIGIOUS COURT,

WHICH WAS AUTHORIZEDBY THE CATHOLIC CHURCH

TO TORTURE AND EXECUTEANY NONBELIEVERS OR HERETICS.

- FATHER GOMEZPLAYED AN IMPORTANT ROLE.

HE DESIGNEDTORTURE DEVICES.

- AAH! AAH!

- AAH!

- AAH!

announcer: BUT,AS HE WAS ABOUT TO FIND OUT...

- HOLA, FATHER SANCHEZ.

- BUENOS DIAS,FATHER GOMEZ.

announcer: WHEN YOU LIVEBY THE INQUISITION...

- YOU'VE BEEN DENOUNCEDAS A HERETIC.

announcer: YOU DIE BY IT.

- NO, NOT ME! NO!

announcer: BAD LUCK FOR GOMEZAND BAD TIMING.

- YOU DIABLO!

announcer: HE HAD JUST INVENTEDSOMETHING HE CALLED...

[ominous music]

THE SPANISH DONKEY.

GUESS WHO WAS ABOUTTO BECOME ITS FIRST VICTIM.

- THE SPANISH DONKEYWAS BASICALLY

A VERTICAL PIECE OF WOODTHAT HAD A POINTED TOP.

THE VICTIM WOULD STRADDLE ITLIKE A SADDLE,

AND THE WEIGHT OF HIS BODY,

ALONG WITH CANNONBALLSTIED TO HIS ANKLES,

WOULD PULL THE BODY DOWN,SEVER THE GROIN,

CRUSH THE PELVIS,AND EVENTUALLY

TEAR THE VICTIM IN HALF.

- [screaming]

announcer: THE INQUISITION

WAS YOUR BASICLOSE-LOSE PROPOSITION.

- AAH!

announcer:IF YOU ADMITTED GUILT,

YOU WOULD DIE.

- AAH!

announcer: IF YOU DENIEDYOUR GUILT,

YOU WOULD DIE.

- AAH!

- IN THIS GENTLEMAN'S SITUATION,

HIS INTERNAL ORGANSWOULD HAVE BEEN MACERATED

BY THE DEVICE AND THE FORCEOF HIS BODY ON IT,

AND THE VESSELS OF THE PELVISWOULD BE TORN.

HE WOULD DIEFROM MASSIVE INTERNAL BLEEDING.

ONCE YOU REACHABOUT 400 POUNDS,

YOU'RE GONNA RIP THAT PELVISRIGHT IN HALF.

- AAH!

announcer: WAS FATHER GOMEZACTUALLY GUILTY OF ANYTHING?

THE COURT RULING WAS...

A SPLIT DECISION.

- WHAT WERE YOU OUT TODAY FOR,A LITTLE JOYRIDE?

announcer: NOT A GOOD DAYFOR THE PETERSON BROTHERS,

JAKE AND JOSH.

- WE GOT ANY DRUGS ON US?- NO, WE AIN'T GOT NO DRUGS.

announcer: THEY'RE HOLDINGFOUR OUNCES

OF PURE PERUVIANFLAKE COCAINE,

AND THIS COP IS PREPARED TO USETHE LONG ARM OF THE LAW...

- YOU SEE THIS?

announcer: TO FIND IT.

- I'M GONNA TAKE THIS,

AND I'M GONNA LOOK HARDAND DEEP.

- COME ON, MAN,WHAT THE HELL?

announcer: GETTING CAUGHTWITH A BUTTLOAD OF BLOW

WAS NOT AN OPTION.- DAMN IT!

announcer: SO WHILE THE COPSSEARCHED THEIR CAR...

THE BROTHERS GOT BUSY.

- USE YOUR TEETH!- WHAT?

HELL, NO!- LISTEN, LITTLE BROTHER.

PUT YOUR MOUTH UP MY ASSAND GET THAT COKE OUT.

- ALL RIGHT!ALL RIGHT!

- AH!OW!

announcer: TIME'S RUNNING OUT...

- OH, GOD!

announcer: BUT JOSH FINALLYGETS A LIP-LOCK

ON BROTHER JAKE'S BUTT-BAGOF BLOW.

- AHH!

UGH!

announcer: IT WAS TOO BIGTO SWALLOW...

BUT THEY STILL HAVE TO DESTROYTHE EVIDENCE.

- [coughing]

OW.

[pop]- AH!

COME ON!

- LICK IT OFF MY CROTCH.- WHAT?

announcer: WHEN IT COMES TO COKEENOUGH IS NEVER ENOUGH...

UNTIL...

IT'S TOO MUCH.

[both gagging]

- WHAT THE HELL?

- DUE TO THE LARGE AMOUNTOF COCAINE THAT WAS INGESTED,

THE STIMULANT PUT AN OVERLOADON THEIR BODY.

BLOOD COULD NOT GO IN AND OUTOF THE HEART ADEQUATELY.

THE HEARTCOULDN'T REGULATE ITSELF,

AND BOTH DIED OF A HEART ATTACKINSTANTLY.

announcer: JAKE AND JOSH PLAYEDHIDE-AND-GO-SEEK

WITH A KILLERBAG OF COCAINE.

BUT WHEN IT CAME TIMETO DITCH THE GOODS...

THE BROTHERS TOOK A LICKING...

AND THEN STOPPED TICKING.

- I HATE YOU!- I HATE YOU!

- I HATE YOU MORE!

announcer:BILL AND HIS WIFE BILLIE

ARE A MATCH MADE IN...both: I HATE YOU!

announcer: HELL.- [bleep] YOU!

- [bleep] YOU!- [bleep] YOU!

- [bleep] YOU!

- [bleep] YOU!

announcer: BILL IS A SLEAZEBAGABUSIVE WOMANIZER.

- I SHOULD HAVE NEVERMARRIED YOU!

announcer:BILLIE IS A FORMER CALL GIRL

WHO GAVE UP STREET LIFEFOR THE STRAIGHT LIFE.

- ONCE A WHORE,ALWAYS A WHORE.

announcer: TOGETHERTHEY ARE A CORROSIVE COMBO

OF ANGER AND MISTRUST.

- LOOK ME IN THE EYE.

TELL ME YOU'RE NOTCHEATING ON ME.

- I'M NOT CHEATING ON YOU.BUT MAYBE I SHOULD!

- FIRST CHANCE I GETAND I CATCH YOUR ASS,

I'LL [bleep] KILL YOU!

YOU'RE DEADAND THE DICK YOU'RE WITH!

announcer: BILL HAS TAKENEXTREME MEASURES

TO SEE IF BILLIE IS REALLYSERVING IT UP ON THE SIDE.

- YOU UNDERSTANDWHAT I NEED TO HAVE DONE?

announcer: HE PUTS IN A CALLTO A LOCAL...

- JUST FOLLOW HER.announcer: "CONTRACTOR."

- AND IF YOU CATCH HERWITH SOMEBODY...

KILL THEM BOTH!

announcer: BUT BILL IS HARDLYA MODEL OF MONOGAMY.

IN FACT, HE'S GOT ATHREE-TIMES-A-WEEK HOOKER HABIT.

ON MONDAY, IT'S MANDY.

WEDNESDAY,IT'S BIG-BOOTY TRUDY.

THURSDAY'S HOT TARTIS LADY TATA.

THIS WEEK,BILL'S GOING FOR FOUR.

HE'S TRYING A NEW ONE.

[knocking]

- IT'S OPEN!

both: YOU!

- I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT!- YOU! YOU!

I HATE YOU!

announcer:BILL, MEET BILLIE...

YOUR HOOKER, YOUR WIFE.

- I KNEW IT.I HATE YOU!

- I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE HERE!

YOU ARE A LOSER!

- YOU'RE A WHORE.ONCE A WHORE, ALWAYS A WHORE.

[both arguing]

- I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU!I--

- IT WAS A HEAD TAPEXECUTION.

A SMALL CALIBER BULLETWITH ENOUGH ENERGY TO PENETRATE

THROUGH THE SKULLBUT NOT ENOUGH TO EXIT

BOUNCES AROUNDINSIDE THEIR BRAIN,

SCRAMBLES IT,AND THEY'RE DEAD.

both: I HATE YOU!

announcer: THEIR RELATIONSHIPWAS BUILT

ON A BEDROCK OF DECEPTIONAND MISTRUST.

both: YOU!

announcer: BILL AND BILLIECHEATED...LIED...

AND FINALLY DIED...TOGETHER.

announcer: JIMMY DUGANHAS NO IDEA WHERE HE IS.

- OH, NO.

announcer: THE ONLY THINGHE DOES KNOW...

HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE THERE.

- THIS CAN'T BE GOOD.

announcer:HE'S RIGHT ABOUT THAT.

[whirring]

- WHAT'S THAT NOISE?

announcer: THAT NOISE ISTHE LAST THING HE HEARS...

BEFORE HE DIES.

- [screaming]

announcer: BEFORE WE SEEHOW THE STORY ENDS...

LET'S SEE HOW IT ALL BEGAN.

- [screaming]

announcer: DUGAN IS A ONE-TIMECIA SPOOK

WHO WENT INTO BUSINESSFOR HIMSELF.

- IN AND OUT,JUST LIKE THAT.

announcer:HE MADE A TON OF DOUGH

STEALING CORPORATE SECRETS.

DUGAN'S LATEST JOB:

HE WAS HIRED TO STEALCOMPUTER FILES

FOR A RIVALSOFTWARE COMPANY--

PIECE OF CAKEFOR THIS SEASONED SPOOK.

HE WAITED FOR HIS CHANCE.

AND SOON ENOUGH...

HE WAS MINING COMPUTER GOLD.

BUT HIS MISSION WAS ABOUTTO BECOME...

- HEH HEH HEH.announcer: IMPOSSIBLE.

- HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOINGIN HERE?

announcer: IN THE MOVIESTHE HUNKY SPY

ALWAYS MAKES HIS GETAWAY.

- HEY! HEY! HEY!

SIR!THAT'S A CLOSET, SIR.

announcer: BUT DUGAN WAS WORKINGWITHOUT A SCRIPT

AND FOUND HIMSELF TRAPPED.

- I'LL GIVE YOUTO THE COUNT OF THREE

TO COME OUTWITH YOUR HANDS UP.

ONE...

TWO...

announcer: THERE WAS ONLYONE WAY OUT

FOR THIS PIECEOF HUMAN TRASH.

- THREE!

- AGHHH!

announcer: AND THAT BRINGS USBACK WHERE WE STARTED.

- THIS CAN'T BE GOOD.

announcer: DUGAN WAS ABOUT TO GOFROM EX-SPOOK...

- [scream]announcer: TO Xed OUT.

- THE INCINERATORREACHES TEMPERATURES

OF 3,000 DEGREESWITHIN SECONDS,

SO HE FELT NO PAIN.

THOSE FLAMES BURNEDRIGHT THROUGH HIS SKIN,

THROUGH THE MUSCLE,AND INTO THE BONE.

HIS BLOOD BOILED, SO HEEVAPORATED ALL OF HIS BLOOD.

ALL OF HIS ORGAN SYSTEMSSHUT DOWN,

AND BASICALLYHE CREMATED HIMSELF.

announcer: DUGAN CHOSE TO USETHE SKILLS HE LEARNED AS A SPY

FOR A LIFE OF CRIME.- HEY!

announcer: IN THE END...- ARGGHHH!

announcer: HE CAME INFROM THE COLD...

BUT COULDN'T TAKE THE HEAT.

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