Please sign in with your TV Provider to unlock this episode.
No TV Provider? No worries.
Watch clips from this episode

If You're Dead - Leave a Message and We'll Get Back to You

A tech-geek gets uninstalled; a pretend gangbanger gets body slammed; a scam artist gets a fatal hummer.

- COULD YOU JUST MAKE ITAS BIG AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN?

announcer: TINA'S NOT TALKINGTO HER LOVER.

SHE'S TRYING TO GETTHIS PHONY PLASTIC SURGEON

TO GIVE HER THE MOTHEROF ALL BOOTY-SHAKING BUTTS.

WHY?

BECAUSE TINA WANTS TO GRABTHE ATTENTION OF LITTLE RON,

A RAPPER WHO'S HADA STRING OF HITS

ALL BASED AROUNDONE COMMON THEME...

- ♪ BIG FAT BOOTY

- ♪ BIG FAT BOOTY, BOOTY

- ♪ I WANT A BUTT WITH GIRTHTHAT WOBBLES THE EARTH ♪

♪ I WANT A BUTT SO FATTHAT I CAN HAVE MY CAT ♪

[cat yowling]

- ♪ BIG FAT BOOTY

♪ BIG FAT BOOTY, BOOTY

announcer: TINA ALREADYMADE ONE ATTEMPT,

BUT IF YOUR BUTT ISN'TCERTIFIED GRADE "A,"

BEYONCE-ALICIOUS...

- YOU GO AHEAD ANDTAKE THAT SOMEWHERE ELSE.

announcer: LITTLE RONWON'T EVEN LOOK YOUR WAY.

- GIRL, IT AIN'T GOTNOTHIN' ON THIS, OKAY?

COME ON, BOO.

announcer:THAT'S WHY WE FIND TINA

IN A SHABBY HOTEL ROOM,

GETTING HER GLUTEUS MAXIMIZEDWITH SILICONE INJECTIONS.

THIS WASONE WHITE SUBURBAN GIRL

DESPERATE TO GAIN ENTRANCEINTO THE BLACK HIP-HOP WORLD.

- I HEAR STORIESABOUT LOTS OF PEOPLE

GOING TO LOTS OF EREMES

THAT AN AVERAGE INDIVIDUALMIGHT NOT DO

TO BRING ABOUT THISIDEALIZED UNION THEY HAVE

WITH THIS IDEALIZED PERSON.

IN THEIR MIND, IT'S VIRTUALLYLIFE OR DEATH.

announcer: UNFORTUNATELYFOR TINA,

THE DOCTOR WAS A FRAUD.

HE WAS INJECTING NOT SILICONEBUT COMMON BATHROOM CAULK

DIRECTLY INTOHER BUTT CHEEKS.

LATER THAT NIGHT,

TINA WAS READY TOKNOCK LITTLE RON'S EYES OUT.

SHE HAD AN ULTERIOR MOTIVE.

- GUESS WHO'S BACK.

announcer:SHE WAS A SONGWRITER

AND WANTED HIM TO HEAR HERNEW TUNE, CHEEK FREAK.

LITTLE RON WAS ON HERLIKE WHITE ON RICE.

BUT TINA HAD NO TIME TOWAG HER NEW BUTT IN VICTORY.

SHE STARTED FEELINGILLER THAN ILL,

AND IN 60 SECONDSWENT FROM BAD TO WORSE

TO DROPPING DEAD RIGHT THEREON THE DANCE FLOOR.

TURNS OUT, THE QUACKACCIDENTALLY INJECTED

SOME OF THE CAULK DIRECTLYINTO HER BLOODSTREAM.

THE LUMPY PASTEFORMED AN EMBOLISM

WHICH BLOCKEDHER PULMONARY ARTERY,

CAUSING RESPIRATORY FAILUREAND HEART ATTACK.

TINA WANTED TO JUMP ONLITTLE RON'S BOOTY BANDWAGON,

BUT HER BUTT CAME UP SHORT.

SO SHE PUMPED UP ITS VOLUMEAND WOUND UP BUTTED OUT.

- ♪ I WANT TOSHAKE MY BUTT ♪

♪ MY BIG BUTT IN YOUR FACE

- THAT PUNK?- COME ON, DADDY.

announcer: MIKE RULEDHIS DAUGHTER MEGAN'S LIFE

LIKE A RUTHLESS DICTATOR.

- YOU DON'T CHANGE,YOU DON'T GO OUT.

YOU GOT THAT? CHANGE!

announcer:A YEAR EARLIER,

HE SCARED HER MOM AWAY,

BUT MEGANWAS STUCK WITH HIM.

- YOU STILLLOOK LIKE A TRAMP!

announcer:IT WASN'T HARD TO SEE

WHY MEGAN HAD A HARD TIMEKEEPING A BOYFRIEND.

- I WANT HER HOMEAT 2200 HOURS, YOU GOT THAT?

- ALMOST ALL FATHERS

ARE NATURALLY A LITTLE BITOVERLY PROTECTIVE.

IF A FATHER HAS A HISTORY OFOVERSTEPPING THEIR BOUNDARIES

WITH YOUNG WOMEN,

THEY ARE PROJECTINGONTO THIS NEW SUITOR

SORT OF AN EVIL INTENT,

AN EVIL INTENT THAT MAYBEACTUALLY THE FATHER

HAD MANIFESTED AT SOME POINTIN HIS LIFE.

announcer:BUT MEGAN'S NEW SQUEEZE NICK

WAS EQUAL PARTSBOLD AND DUMB.

ONE THING ABOUT MIKE--

HE ALWAYS HADHIS RADAR UP.

SO WHEN HE HEARD GIGGLES COMINGFROM MEGAN'S BEDROOM,

THE EX WAR VETPREPARED FOR BATTLE.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?- WE'RE JUST--

- I TOLD YOUWHAT WAS GONNA HAPPEN!

- NOTHING!NOTHING'S GONNA HAPPEN!

- DAD!- WE'RE JUST STUDYING!

WE'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING!WE'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING!

[gunshot]- AAH!

- [laughs]

announcer: THE BAD THINGABOUT CRUEL PRACTICAL JOKES...

- IT'S BLANKS, MAN.JUST BLANKS. LOOK!

[gunshot]

- DADDY!- OH, MY GOD!

announcer: SOMETIMESTHEY BLOW UP IN YOUR FACE.

WHEN A NORMAL ROUNDIS FIRED,

THE EXPLOSION OF GUNPOWDERSENDS A BULLET FROM THE CHAMBER.

BUT MIKE'S GUN HAD BLANKSWITH CRIMPED TIPS

IN PLACE OF THE BULLET.

WHEN HE PULLED THE TRIGGER...

[gunshot]

- A BLANK FORCESA COLUMN OF AIR

UNDER VERY HIGH PRESSUREOUT THE FRONT OF THE BARREL,

SOMETHING IN THE ORDEROF 50,000 PSI.

IT WAS ENOUGH PRESSURETO CRACK HIS SKULL,

DAMAGE HIS BRAIN,AND KILL HIM.

announcer: IF MEGAN WASN'TALREADY HEADED

FOR A LIFETIME OF THERAPY...

- YOU STILL LOOKLIKE A TRAMP!

announcer: SHE IS NOW.

[gunshot]

- DADDY!- OH, MY GOD!

announcer: GEE.THANKS, POP.

Captioning by CaptionMaxwww.captionmax.com

announcer:LOOK AT THIS GUY.

LET'S BE HONEST HERE.

HE'S GONNA DIE,

AND YOU'RE GONNA BEHAPPY HE DOES.

MICKEY WAS A CAR THIEF

AND A CARJACKER.

BEING THE HALFOF MAN HE WAS,

HE ONLY TARGETED WOMEN.

- OH, MY GOD!OH, MY GOD!

- GET OUT OF THE CAR NOW!- PLEASE! I'M PREGNANT!

- GET OUT!- OH, GOD!

- CARJACKINGIS A CRIME OF VIOLENCE.

ALWAYS, ALWAYS, SOME SORTOF FORCE IS INVOLVED,

WHETHER IT'S A GUN, A KNIFE,PULLING SOMEBODY OUT OF THE CAR.

IF THE PERSONWHO OWNS THE CAR

IS STILL IN THE CAR WHENTHEY'RE GETTING CARJACKED,

THEN YOU HAVE KIDNAPPING,ROBBERY, AND SOMETIMES MURDER.

announcer: MICKEY HAD HIS EYEON HIS NEXT VICTIM.

SHE WASN'T PREGNANT, BUT HESTILL THOUGHT HE COULD TAKE HER.

AN AUTOMATIC CAR WINDOW

CLOSES WITH A FORCEOF 50 PSI,

JUST ENOUGH TO CRUSHMICKEY'S WINDPIPE

AND RENDER HIS VOCAL CHORDSUSELESS.

IF MICKEY COULD HAVE SCREAMED,IT WOULDN'T HAVE HELPED.

FIVE BLOCKS LATER,BY THE TIME THE DRIVER REALIZED

SHE HADAN UNINVITED PASSENGER,

MICKEY'S BRAIN WAS COMPLETELYDRAINED OF BLOOD

AND MICKEY WAS ROAD KILL.

- THIS IS EXACTLY LIKEBEING PUT IN A SLEEPER HOLD.

INSTEAD OF THE UPPER ARMAND A FOREARM

PINCHING THE CAROTID ARTERY,

IT'S THE WINDOWAND THE DOORJAMB

CUTTING OFF THE BLOOD FLOWTO THE BRAIN,

AND YOU LOSE CONSCIOUSNESSWITHIN A MATTER OF SECONDS

AND DEATH, IF IT CONTINUESIN THIS SITUATION.

announcer: MICKEY WASA TOTAL WASTE OF LIFE

WHO PREYED ON THE WEAK.

- GET OUT OF THE CAR NOW!

announcer: THE BEST THINGTO SAY ABOUT HIM...

HE'S DEAD.

THERE.AREN'T YOU HAPPY?

[car alarm]

announcer: IN HOLLYWOOD,PEOPLE WILL DO ANYTHING

TO LAND A ROLE.

TAKE ENRIQUE HERE.

HE'S UP FOR THE LEADIN A LOW BUDGET,

L.A. GANG-INSPIRED MOVIE.

TO GET INTO THE CHARACTER,

ENRIQUE INFILTRATEDTHE 12TH STREET LOCOS,

A NOTORIOUS AND VICIOUS GROUPOF HISPANIC THUGS.

HE'D GOTTEN PRETTY FARINTO THEIR INITIATION PROCESS.

HE PASSED TAGGINGWITH FLYING COLORS.

[car alarm]

CAR STEREO JACKING,CHECK.

HE EVEN WENT SO FARAS TO HAVE THE GANG'S LOGO

TATTOOED ON HIS HAIRLESS,PRETTY BOY ACTOR'S CHEST.

BUT THERE WASONE LAST TEST.

- THIS IS IT, HOMES.

announcer: A GANG INITIATIONRITUAL CALLED THE BEATDOWN.

- IF YOU CAN'T TAKE IT,CAP OUT.

- [speaking Spanish]

- THE BEATDOWN IS TO SHOW,YOU KNOW, YOUR LOYALTY,

YOUR COMMITMENT TO THE GANG.

IT'S THE WHOLE BLOOD IN,BLOOD OUT THING, YOU KNOW.

A BEATDOWN SOMETIMES LASTSA MATTER OF 30 SECONDS.

IT CAN BE TWO MINUTES.

AND I HAVE SEEN THE ONESGETTING BEAT DOWN DIE.

announcer:ENRIQUE WAS WISHING

THEY USED A STUNT DOUBLEFOR THIS SCENE.

- TAP OUT. COME ON.- ARE YOU GONNA TAP OUT?

announcer:BUT HE TOUGHED IT OUT.

- YOU'RE A THUG NOW, BROTHER,FOR LIFE.

announcer: EVEN IF HE DIDN'TGET THE PART IN THE MOVIE,

HE'D ALWAYS HAVE THE LOCOSTO FALL BACK ON.

BUT THEN A PLOT TWISTNOBODY SAW COMING.

THE LOCOS WEREN'T THE ONLY GANGWORKING THAT NIGHT.

100 FEET ABOVE THEM,A RIVAL GANG

WERE DISPOSINGOF SOME EVIDENCE,

AND OUR BOY ENRIQUEWAS IN THE WRONG PLACE

AT THE WRONG TIME.

- A CORPSE COMINGFROM 100 FEET ABOVE,

WITH GRAVITY ASOUR ACCELERATION PARAMETER,

WOULD CAUSE SEVERE FORCETO THE LIVING PERSON'S SKULL.

THE SKULL WOULD FRACTURE,

AND YOU'D HAVEIMMEDIATE BRUISING

WITHIN THAT AREAOF THE BRAIN,

CAUSING A LACK OF BLOOD SUPPLYTO OUR BRAIN AND OXYGEN

AND WOULD LEAD TOIMMEDIATE DEATH.

[car alarm]

announcer:ASPIRING ACTOR ENRIQUE

WANTED A PART SO BAD,

HE IMMERSED HIMSELFIN GANG LIFE.

BUT IT WAS JUST PRETEND.

- YOU'RE TOUGH NOW,BROTHER.

announcer: UNTIL THAT BIG O.G.IN THE SKY YELLED, "CUT!

"THAT'S A WRAP...

HOMIE."

[siren]

Loading...