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Wild Wild Death

A "superhero" tries to fly; a girl wants to strangle her boss; a blogger gets a blog clot.

- IT WAS THE END OF ANOTHER DAY

AT LIEKOWSKI SAVINGS AND LOAN.

ASSISTANT MANAGER SARAHHAD VOLUNTEERED TO STAY LATE

AND CLOSE UP SHOP.

THE SECURITY GUARD NORMWAS A FIVE-LETTER WORD AWAY

FROM LOCKING UP.

BUT THEN...

ONE MORE CUSTOMER CAME IN...

- [grunt]

- TO MAKE...A WITHDRAW.

- DON'T MOVE!

- BANK ROBBERIES HAVE BEENAVERAGING BETWEEN

6,000 AND 7,000 PER YEARIN THE UNITED STATES,

WHICH WOULD FIGURE OUT TO ANAVERAGE OF 15 OR 20 A DAY.

THIS IS ATTRIBUTABLE TOTHE SIMPLE FACT

THAT WE HAVE MORE BANKS.

THERE ARE JUST MOREOPPORTUNITIES.

- OPEN IT.

- AS BANK ROBBERIES GO,THIS ONE WAS EASY.

MAYBE A LITTLE TOO EASY.

THAT'S BECAUSEIT WAS INSIDE JOB.

BETWEEN BEST FRIENDS SARAHAND TRACY.

THEY HATCHED A PLAN THATWOULD PUT THEM ON EASY STREET

FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES.

- STICK TO THE PLAN.- YOU GOT IT.

- SARAH GETS LOCKEDINSIDE THE VAULT.

ON HER WAY OUT,TRACY TRIGGERS THE FIRE ALARM.

INNOCENT SARAH GETS RESCUEDAND THEY GET THE DOUGH.

SO FAR, SO GOOD.

[alarm blaring]

BUT...THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHINGTHAT GOES WRONG.

SARAH DIDN'T REALIZE THE VAULTWAS EQUIPPED

WITH A FIRE SUPPRESSION SYSTEMTHAT USED CARBON DIOXIDE.

THIS WOULD QUICKLY SUFFOCATEANY FIRES.

AND SARAH.

- THERE ARE DIFFERENT KINDSOF FIRE EXTINGUISHERS.

MOST OF THEM USE CO2,OR CARBON DIOXIDE.

AND YOU NEED TO BE CAREFULBECAUSE IN A CLOSED ENVIRONMENT,

THE BUILD-UP OR CONCENTRATIONOF CO2 OVER 17% CONCENTRATION

IS NOT ONLY PUTTING OUT THE FIREBUT CAN PUT OUT YOUR LIFE.

- SARAH CAME UP WITHA FOOL-PROOF PLAN

FOR SOME EASY MONEY.

- WE'RE GONNA BE RICH.- HURRY UP.

- BUT IN THIS CASE...

[alarm blaring]

A FOOL AND HER MONEYWERE EASILY...DEPARTED.

HEATHER IS THROWING A PARTY.

AND SHE WANTS EVERYTHINGTO BE PERFECT.

- [scoffs]

WHAT IS THIS?

WIPE IT OFF RIGHT NOW!

- IF IT ISN'T,TAKE COVER.

- SET THE TABLE PROPERLY!THESE SPOONS DO NOT GO TOGETHER!

- HEATHER'S A LITTLE MORETHAN UPTIGHT,

BECAUSE IT'S NOT JUSTANY PARTY.

IT'S AN UNDERGROUNDSTOLEN ART AUCTION.

- YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME A LOTOF MONEY, AREN'T YOU, HONEY?

- FOR THE FIRST TIME,HER CROOKED BOSSES

ARE LETTING HER RUN AN AUCTIONON HER OWN.

THIS COULD MAKE HER CAREER

IN THE HIGH-END BLACK MARKETART WORLD.

- ART THEFT IS ACTUALLYTHE FASTEST GROWING CRIME

IN THE UNITED STATES.

ACCORDING TO THE FBI,ART THEFT CAN ACTUALLY INCUR

ANNUAL LOSSES OF UP TO$8 BILLION.

- TO GET THIS AUCTIONSTARTED,

WHY DON'T WE GO WITH A LITTLECHAMPAGNE FOUNTAIN.

SHALL WE?

- WITH NO CONFIDENCEIN THE RENT-A-HELP,

HEATHER DECIDES TO POURTHE BUBBLY HERSELF.

BAD IDEA.

- [nervous laughter]

IT'S REALLY IN THERE.

[screams]

AH, GOD!

[glass breaking]

- WITH A PUNCTURE WOUNDTO THE BRACHIAL ARTERY

WHICH IS LOCATED IN THE ARM,

A PATIENT WOULD LOSE BLOODIN A SPURTING FASHION.

SHE WOULD HAVE LOSTCONSCIOUSNESS WITHIN A MINUTE

AND DIED WITHIN FOUR MINUTES.

- WITH $8,000 WORTH OF CRYSTALEMBEDDED IN HER BODY,

HEATHER WENT FROM TOASTINGTO TOAST.

- CHAMPAGNE!

- WHEN IT CAME TIME FOR HERTO TOAST...

- [scream]

AH, GOD!

- SHE WENT BOTTOM'S UP.

CHEERS.

- IT'S OMAR'S FIRST DAYAS A PARAMEDIC...

- HEY THERE!

- IN THIS TOWN.

HE HAD BEEN FIREDFOR INCOMPETENCE

IN THREE OTHER CITIESAROUND MISSOURI,

BUT SOMEHOW MANAGEDTO GET REHIRED IN A FOURTH.

- YOU KNOW, I BEEN DOING THISSINCE I WAS A KID, PRETTY MUCH.

SAVING KIDS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD,YOU KNOW.

- LAUREN GOT A GUT FEELINGHER NEW PARTNER WAS A LOSER.

- YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING,LAUREN?

- WHY DON'T YOU GO IN THE BACKAND DO INVENTORY?

- OH, ALL RIGHT.I'LL DO THAT.

I'VE DONE THAT BEFORE.I'M A PRO ANYWAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

- HERE'S WHY OMAR KEEPSGETTING FIRED.

- IT'S A TIGHT SQUEEZE.

- HE'S ALWAYS GETTING HIGH.

OFF THE COMPANY'S SUPPLY.

WACKED OUT ON NITROUS,OMAR STARTED FANTASIZING

ABOUT LAUREN.

- HEY, OMAR.

HOW ABOUT A LITTLEMOUTH TO MOUTH?

- THIS TIME,OMAR GOT SO HIGH

HE STARTED PLAYING WITH THEDEFIBRILLATOR...

- OMAR, WHAT ARE YOU DOINGBACK THERE?

DON'T DO THAT!

- NORMALLY USED TO JUMPSTARTA STOPPED HEART,

BUT OMAR'S WAS STILL BEATING.

NOT ANYMORE.[flatlining]

- A DEFIBRILLATOR IS PLACEDON THE PATIENT

AND SHOCKS THE HEART,

AND IT RESETS, HOPEFULLY,AND GETS INTO A NORMAL RHYTHM.

IF YOU SHOCKED A HEALTH HEART--

JUST LIKE IT WOULD BE IF YOUWERE GETTING ELECTROCUTED--

ESSENTIALLY WHAT YOU'RE DOINGIS STOPPING THE HEART

IN ITS NORMAL RHYTHM.

SO WHEN HE APPLIED THE PADDLES,HE SENT THE SHOCK

THROUGH HIS HEART,STOPPED HIS HEART,

AND HE KILLED HIMSELF.

- OMAR WAS AN INCOMPETENT DUFUS.

- DON'T DO THAT!

- THANK GOD BEFORE HE COULD DOHARM TO A PATIENT,

HE PULLED HIS OWN PLUG.

- I'D LIKE TO TAKEA TOUR OF YOU.

- BONNIE LIKE TO KISSAND TELL.

SHE HAS A SEX BLOGCALLED "UNDER THE COVERS."

[both moaning]

- FIRST SHE BONES...

THEN SHE BLOGS.

- HE WAS IN AND OUTBEFORE I KNEW IT.

[giggling]

OOH, HAIRLESS CHEST.

- SHE SPECIALIZESIN ROCK MUSICIANS.

WHO BETTER TO SATISFY HERVORACIOUS APPETITE

FOR NO-STRING SEX?

- OH, BABY!

OH, BLOG ME!OH, I LOVE WHEN YOU BLOG ME!

- SEX BLOGGING HAS PROBABLY BEENAROUND AS LONG AS BLOGGING

HAS BEEN AROUND.

THEY RATE THEM ON DURATION,SEXUAL ATTRACTIVENESS,

SIZE, IF YOU WILL.

I LIKE TO COMPARE MY PARTNERSTO DESSERTS.

ONE MAN CAN BEBANANA CREAM PIE.

I MEAN, I COULD EAT THATEVERY DAY.

AND SOME MEN ARE LIKEBITTERSWEET

LIKE A LEMON MERINGUE PIE

AND YOU DON'T WANNA EAT THATEVERY DAY.

MAYBE NOT EVER.

- "UNDER THE COVERS" WASBECOMING AN INTERNET SENSATION

AND WAS ABOUT TO GET BIGGER.

BONNIE HAD BOOKED HERMOST FAMOUS STAR YET.

- COMING UP FANS,I HAVE ALEX FROM BLOOD TURKEY.

- WITH THE POUTY-LIPPED ALEXMANNING THE MIC,

BLOOD TURKEY FILLED ARENASAROUND THE WORLD.

BONNIE WAS LOOKING FOR ALEXTO FILL SOMETHING ELSE.

- GOBBLE, GOBBLE.

- HOW ARE YOU?- GOOD.

HOW ARE YOU?- GOOD, THANK YOU.

- ALEX DIDN'T REALIZEWHAT HE HAD GOTTEN HIMSELF INTO.

- YEAH, SO WE'RE GOINGTO SAN FRANCISCO NEXT WEEK.

THAT WILL BE AWESOME.

- SEX WITH A SKANK WAS NOTON HIS TO-DO LIST.

- I THOUGHT THIS WAS JUSTAN INTERVIEW.

- LET ME EXPLAIN.

- I TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF,YOU TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF,

AND YOU FILL IN MY BLANK.

- I'M GONNA GO.

- SERIOUSLY?

I'LL SHOW HIM,BIG STUD ROCK STAR.

I DON'T THINK SO.

- NOBODY TURNS DOWN A FREE RIDEON BONNIE.

- AH.

- WITH REVENGE ON HER MIND,SHE USES HER VACUUM CLEANER

TO GIVE HERSELF THE MOTHERSUCKER OF ALL HICKIES.

- OH, GOD.

- IF ALEX DIDN'T WANNA LEAVEHIS MARK ON HER,

SHE'D DO IT HERSELF.

- GOD, THAT STINGS.OH!

- BUT SOMETHING TRULYDOES SUCK.

- OH, GOD, THAT HURT!

- THE VACUUM HOSE CREATEDAN ARTERIAL BLOOD CLOT

IN HER NECK.

BONNIE STANDS UP...

AND DROPS DEAD.

- ONCE A CLOT FORMED IN HERCOMMON CAROTID ARTERY,

IT TRAVELS INTO THE INTERNALCAROTID ARTERY,

LODGING ITSELF IN THE VESSELSOF THE BRAIN.

THERE, IT CAUSEDAN ISCHEMIC STROKE,

OR CUTTING OFF THE BLOOD SUPPLYTO THE BRAIN TISSUE.

DURING THAT STROKE,HER BRAIN TISSUE WAS DYING

AT THE RATE OF TWO MILLION CELLSPER MINUTE.

AT THAT RATE, SHE WOULD'VE DIEDWITHIN A COUPLE OF MINUTES.

- BONNIE THOUGHT HER SEX BLOG

WOULD BRING HERFAME AND FORTUNE.

- AH!- [moans]

- BUT IN THE END...- AH!

- SHE WENT FROM UNDER THE COVERSTO SIX FEET UNDER.

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