5. Vancouver Canucks
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It’s remarkable how arrogant the fan base of a team with zero Stanley Cups, no Hall of Fame players, and two homoerotic Swedish twins that seem physically afraid of the playoffs can act. It’s literally mind-boggling! These days, when they’re not too busy demanding trades on local radio shows or reminiscing about that year they almost signed Wayne Gretzky, you can usually find Canucks fans preaching about how hosting Jarome Iginla and the Canadian Olympic team will finally establish their city as a genuine hockey town (sort of like how marrying Lamar Odom made Khloe Kardashian a real celebrity – legitimacy by association).
Next time you see a suspected pyramid schemer in the corner of a trendy wine bar sporting a $200 hair cut, $900 suit, and emanating a distinct air of scumbag from his Drakkar Noir-soaked pores - go ahead and ask him about Kevin Bieksa, because odds are he’s a Vancouver Canucks fan and doesn't want to cry himself to sleep again before throwing out obscene predictions about the Norris Trophy.
4. Philadelphia Eagles
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This is a fanbase that still talks about pelting Santa Claus with snowballs 30 years after it happened the same way normal people reference World War II or the moon landing. They cheered when Michael Irvin lay on the ground battling paralysis, complain non-stop about making four straight NFC Conference Championship games, and haven’t had a single attractive fan in the stands since 1986.
3. Boston Red Sox
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Come on Sox fans, you had to have seen this coming. For God sakes, Ben Affleck has become the celebrity poster boy of your fanbase. For years you were the lovable losers with a humorous outlook and refreshing sense of humility that endeared you to the sporting world. Hell, you were the Susan Lucci of baseball and everyone loved you for it! But then, in 2004, after winning the World Series you became the nerdy girl who grew boobs one summer, got really hot, and became an unbelievable bitch to everyone around her because she didn’t know when this new found popularity or social success would end. Sox fans became more arrogant than Yankees fans ever were, and suddenly began spending Steinbrenner-type money while still bemoaning the Yankees' business structure. The irony, much like the douchebags that line Fenway Park, is getting out of control.
2. Ohio State Buckeyes
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This is a team whose main cheer consists of spelling their state in repetitive succession. OH-IO…OH-IO… We get it! You passed remedial English and are really excited to show off your basic grasp of the language to the three attractive girls from Ann Arbor who actually visited the Columbus campus over the weekend. Yes, it’s adorable that every one of your alumni is playing a 52-year-long game of “I bet I can annoy everyone I meet today,” but maybe it’s time to get a life and stop idolizing some geek in a sweater vest who just crossed out “get horribly outcoached in two straight BCS Championship games” off his bucket list.
We couldn’t find a class called “Over-Celebrating Easy Wins” or “80 Years of Relentless Annoyance” in the schools’ academic brochure, but it’s impossible to think that anybody is born as irritating as the average Buckeyes’ fan. This disregard for basic human decency has to be learned at some point.
1. Chicago Cubs
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Seriously, shut the f*** up already. Spending every single offseason explaining why “this is going to be the year” they finally win their first World Series since Babe Ruth graduated the seventh grade is getting old. Clearly God hates you and it’s time to move on. It has literally been over 100 years since this team’s last championship, yet it feels much longer with the amount of time their fans have spent bitching about it. And what makes it worse is that they simply can’t accept that it might actually be due to the fact that they suck as a franchise. Blame a black cat, a billy goat, or Steve Bartman for trying to catch a foul ball in the NLCS. Don’t blame Mark Prior and the Cubs’ pitching staff for giving up eight runs afterwards. Cubs fans need to change their motto from “Seriously, this is our year” to “Who else can we blame our complete ineptitude on?” How bout Dave Coulier? He’s not doing much these days. Is there any way to blame him for this awful 2009 season?
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