We've all seen them before. The shirtless fat guy that smells like hot dogs and gambling losses. The nerdy college kid who brings up field goal percentages of his favorite players at dinner parties. The group of frat guys that try to start fights at family restaurants when their favorite teams games aren't on the Applebee's television. Annoying fans are all over the country, but it seems like some teams have a more dedicated base of douchebags than others. Take a look at the ten worst offenders...
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10. Oakland Raiders
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Is there anything more intimidating than a 43-year-old middle manager with Type 2 diabetes, black facepaint, and children who refer to him as “that guy who used to be married to my Mom?” Forget the world of sports, Raiders fans may actually be the least threatening and most depressing people on the planet. It honestly seems like they'd be better served spending Sundays at some sort of self-help group than watching semi-professional football in a stadium clouded with the stench of failure and stale popcorn. "Raider Nation" likes to claim that Oakland Coliseum is the most frightening place in the world to play, yet pretty much every visiting team walks away with a win. The only people losing anything outside of the Oakland locker room are the 19 a-holes who showed up drunk to their fantasy football league and accidentally took JaMarcus Russell in the 42nd round. If that fleshy pile of bones in a white track suit that sits in Al Davis’ old seat could see what this franchise has become, he’d be rolling over in his hyperbaric chamber.
9. Montreal Canadiens
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Imagine the most annoying French person you’ve ever met…Now picture 18,250 or so of them together under one roof, and you might get a vague idea of what the Canadiens’ fan base is all about. Years ago, Montreal fans decided that instead of supporting their team or bathing on a regular basis, they would prefer to torment their best players and effectively eliminate themselves from Stanley Cup contention every year. They made Patrice Brisebois, a homegrown blueliner who won community service awards, leave town in tears and recently decided the best way to foster their young, superstar goaltender (Carey Price) was to boo him relentlessly to the point where he looked like he was going to have a mental breakdown during the post-series handshake. There was even a prop bet in Vegas about how Price was going to kill himself after the game. Way to shatter your one young prospect’s confidence for years to come. Salut!
8. Duke Blue Devils Basketball
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Every Friday night, just before Dick Vitale pleasures Mike Krzyzewski under the scorers table, a collection of nerdy Duke students pitch tents outside Cameron Indoor Stadium and stay up all night playing board games while waiting in line to watch their team make yet another glorious run to the second round of the NCAA tournament. They put on full blue body paint, jump around like a bunch of meth addicts for three hours, and then wonder why the school’s virginity rate is right on par with their field goal percentage. The average Duke fan is like that kid in elementary school with a collared shirt and pleated slacks who asks the teacher if she forgot to assign homework, while his Mommy tells him that “people are just jealous of how unique and talented you are” when nobody comes to his birthday party at the Planetarium.
7. English Soccer Fans
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British hooligans may be higher on this list, if not for fear of retaliation. In 1985, Liverpool followers killed 39 opposing fans at a Juventus match in an event that their supporters called “a disappointing loss where some people happened to get murdered.” English football fanatics are everything the Oakland Raider fans wish they were, yet lose some points for being the only group that openly lists a murder rate on their game day programs with goals scored and dives taken.
6. Dallas Cowboys
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This is a group of people who blindly follow Jerry Jones, a self-entitled billionaire who lists Satan as his medical emergency contact and just spent taxpayer dollars to build a $1.2 billion football stadium/middle finger to every unemployed oil worker in the state of Texas (but it has a pretty kick-ass scoreboard that usually doesn’t get in the way of punts). Whether they’re educated professionals, unemployed hicks, or that awkward guy in HR who wears ass-less chaps to happy hour – the one thing you can always count on with Cowboys fans is the way they share their views like they’re going out of style (which given their Texas roots, usually are.) “Emmitt Smith is the greatest running back of all-time,” “Tony Romo probably didn’t get syphilis from Jessica Simpson,” or “Screw you – my wife would have to gain at least 12 pounds to play offensive line for the Steelers.” It almost seems like the only thing they enjoy more than throwing out the phrase “Everything’s bigger in Texas” to any girl they’re willing to show their 1996 Divisional Champion t-shirt to, is bringing the Cowboys into everyday conversation.
I’ve actually been in meetings before where a Cowboys fan, with a straight face, tried to use Troy Aikman’s broadcasting career as a metaphor for rejuvenated sales numbers, yet I was the one who got written up by the ass-less chap wearing HR guy when I called him the most useless person to every work at a Dairy Queen. Let that be a lesson - they're not just annoying. Cowboys fans are everywhere.
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