Celebrating Thanksgiving with your family is never an enjoyable experience. Who's married? Whose kid is coming out of the closet? Is grandpa's new girlfriend a prostitute or just unsure whether or not family dinners are "bra optional" affairs? There's too much drama involved when loved ones get together and intra-cousin sexual exploration stopped being cool in the fifth grade. So, instead of dining with relatives this holiday season, why not welcome these sports personalities into your home as substitutes?
Source: Mike Powell/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images
10. Allen Iverson (The unemployed nephew who brings a gun to the dinner table)
Source: Janet Skarzynski/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images
Everyone understands that the economy is tough and probably has a family member who still can’t get a job with the New York Knicks. And just like their cousin with an unemployable haircut and Asian character neck tattoos with no real meaning, Allen Iverson is a welcomed addition to any dinner (provided there’s no metal detector at the door).
Sure, he’s made a couple mistakes in the past and may be wearing a court-ordered ankle bracelet by Christmas, but you can’t help but welcome him into your home while making sure he doesn’t steal the silverware or threaten to kill somebody. Unemployed folks deserve a chance for some nice potato salad after getting fired for stealing from the car wash or being a complete and total cancer in the Memphis Grizzlies locker room. They’re family, and it doesn’t matter how many times the neighbors call the cops every time they come over.
9. Any WNBA Player (The homely girl next door whose fake boyfriend is spending the holidays with his parents)
Source: Andy Lyons/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images
Every family has a slightly overweight girl next door who works in accounts receivable, has a lucrative side business selling custom made cat clothing she knits while crying into an empty tub of ice cream every Friday night, and nowhere to go when all the popular people at work leave for Thanksgiving break. And much like a portly neighbor, the WNBA may not have a lot of people that welcome it into their homes or will be seen watching it in public, but that doesn’t mean that league MVP Diana Taurasi (pictured above) or Lisa Leslie wouldn’t enjoy a home-cooked meal for the holidays with a group of people who have never likely heard of them.
At this point the WNBA doesn’t have enough money to televise games or feed their players, so instead of taking a legless hobo in for a nice dinner this year, invite someone less fortunate into your house and show the WNBA that it’s a charity worth donating to. After all, according to Wikipedia, WNBA players have feelings too.
8. Gary Bettman (The uncle who is running the family business into the ground)
Source: Christian Petersen/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images
Nearly 20 years ago, before Bettman began his reign as the NHL commissioner with weekly cameos on Little People, Big World, he was given control of a longstanding profitable business with limitless potential. Then, like the creepy uncle who decided turning the hardware store into a Nightclub was a great idea, Bettman singlehandedly destroyed the business with “innovative” ideas that community colleges he isn’t qualified (or tall enough) to teach at now study as cautionary tales.
However, just like the uncle who swears “once the economy picks up, this nightclub is totally going to be profitable again,” Bettman refuses to admit that moving the NHL to Nashville may not have been the smartest move. It’s unclear whether or not the diminutive commissioner put a little whiskey in his apple juice box the day he put his size four foot down and claimed “I don’t care if the WNBA is laughing at the Phoenix Coyotes’ attendance figures, we are not moving the team to a lucrative market where they can flourish.” But just like the bankrupt uncle, it’s always nice to hear an innocent child ask “Uncle Gary, why do my Mommy and Daddy say you’re the worst thing to ever happen to this family and they wish you’d go back under the tiny rock you crawled out from under?”
Kids really do say the darndest things.
7. Michael Jordan (Your dad’s uncle who can’t stop calling his ex-wife a “dirty whore” in front of the children)
Source: Jeff Kowalski/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images
Every holiday season someone in the family is losing half their money to a woman who he secretly regrets taking to an MLS soccer game for their 20th anniversary. The divorce rate in this country (as well as Belarus and Finland) is well over 50 percent and the holidays are a tough time for anyone who has a spouse with the balls to walk out of a marriage to someone that makes Kobe Bryant look like a kind, considerate person.
It’s just unfortunate that he can’t refrain from using the words “money grubbing ho-bag” during Kurt Warner’s 45-minute long grace. The fact that Mommy and Daddy could stop loving each other at any time is a valuable lesson for the young ones to learn, but perhaps the onslaught of F-bombs that follow it are a tad over the top.
6. New York Mets Fans (The red-headed step child who has unrealistic expectations about the upcoming meal)
Source: Daniel Murphy/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images
It has to be tough to watch your popular sister win the awards, be a star, and pleasure Alex Rodriguez underneath the bleachers. Nobody would ever say it out loud, but there’s clearly a favorite in this family and everybody around the dinner table knows it’s not the kid whose intramural kickball team hasn’t made the playoffs since the fat Hawaiian kid named Benny Agbayani transferred to Colorado Rockies Junior High School. Nobody wants to hear about how the red-headed step child is going to have a great year at school because she lost her braces, grew some boobs, and signed Johan Santana to a long-term deal. It’s almost tragic listening to her delusional optimism, only nobody feels sorry for her because of how loud and abrasive she gets.
