There are some movies out there that have become notorious for being beloved by douchebags everywhere. It’s not necessarily ‘cause they’re bad, or even ‘cause they’re stupid. It’s just that, for whatever reason, douchebags have claimed them for their own and look to them for guidance and affirmation of their douchebagginess. Don’t beat yourself up if you love these movies – but be wary of anyone who loves all of these movies.
10. Old School
Source: DreamWorks
This one seems benign enough. It’s just a good old fashioned comedy starring Will Ferrell and Vince Vaughn about a bunch of guys reliving their glory days. Ferrell winds up taking an animal tranquilizer in the ass, Vaughn makes kids throw bricks attached to their dicks off a roof, and Luke Wilson sleeps with a minor. What’s not to love?
The problem is that douchebags love this movie for all the wrong reasons. They love it because Snoop Dogg makes an appearance, and because it takes place in a fraternity. They love it because it reminds them of their favorite pastime: binge drinking. And last but not least, they love it because the unrated version has girls with their tops off. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but Old School is more than the sum of its parts – even if its parts are lovely to behold.
Leave it to the douchebags to make their mark on a film that would otherwise be a pure specimen of comedy. Todd Phillips, the director, deserves a light slap on the wrist for casting Seann William Scott, even if he only has a cameo. Scott has a face only a douchebag could love.
9. Garden State
Source: Fox Searchlight Pictures
Any heterosexual male who openly and proudly confesses to liking or, dare I say, loving, Garden State needs to get into a twelve-step program for douchebags, stat. Step one is admitting you’re a douchebag. Step two is accepting without judgment the slaps everyone in the room deliver to your face. Step three is to stop telling everyone at parties how much you identify with Zach Braff’s character in Garden State and how you, too, are numb to all the pain. Step four is to stop holding little paper cups up to your eyes and trying to force yourself to cry every time you corner a drunk girl in the bathroom at said parties.
Step five is to never, ever watch Garden State again, and to punch your douchebag friends in the face every time they tell you how much they identify with Zach Braff’s character in Garden State. For steps six through eleven, just repeat step two six more times. Or until you get to the point where even the mention of Garden State triggers a Pavlovian reaction of fear and anger.
Step twelve, repeat after me: Liking Garden State does not make me a sensitive, deeply emotional man. It just makes me an obnoxious douchebag.
Sometimes taking that first step to recovery is the hardest. And sometimes getting slapped repeatedly in the face for having horrible taste in movies is the hardest.
8. Napoleon Dynamite
Source: Fox Searchlight Pictures
What is it with this film that douchebags flock to it like bugs to a bulb? Here’s a fail safe douchebag test: approach the d-bag in question and ask him if he’s seen Napoleon Dynamite. If he has he won’t say “Yes”, he’ll just start quoting the movie at you. And he’ll continue to do so for the remainder of the time you have the misfortune of knowing him.
Napoleon isn’t actually a bad movie (it’s not a good movie, either; more than anything else it’s a series of character sketches with the same two or three characters), it’s just that douchebags are under the delusion that because they “get it” they’re hip. It’s kind of like the kid who actually read A Brief History of Time cover to cover and won’t shut up about black holes and photons. Just as reading one book does not a genius make, watching Napoleon Dynamite eighteen times does not mean you’ve got a sense of humor.
More likely than not, it means you’re a douchebag.
7. The Game
Source: Polygram Filmed Entertainment
What’s wrong with The Game, you ask? On its surface, nothing’s wrong with it. In fact, nothing is terribly distinctive about this movie. Within the ouvre of David Fincher this is one of his most generic films. It’s fun, it’s exciting, and it has a great twist at the end. And it’s completely forgettable. So why is it douchebags think this is the biggest cinematic mind-f*** of all time?
The Game was one of the more entertaining thriller/action films to come out of 1997, but let’s be honest: if it wasn’t for the fact that David Fincher directed it no one would ever bring it up during serious discussions of moviemaking. If anyone other than Marcel Duchamp had stuck a urinal in an art gallery it would’ve been called vandalism. Let’s put The Game back in the cinematic commode where it belongs.
6. Swingers
Source: Miramax
I’ll be the first to admit that Swingers is, hands down, a great movie. It’s hilarious, only guys seem able to appreciate it, and it’s chock full of one liners that have become the gift from the ‘90s that keeps on giving. It is, as they say, "money."
So why do douchebags love Swingers so much? Just as d-bags tend to score predictably low on reading comp assessment tests and misconstrue the simplest piece of prose, so do they entirely miss the point of this film. In the end we see that, fun and loveable though he is, Trent is kind of phony and full of s***. He is, for all intents and purposes, the lighter side of douchebag.
But the point of the movie is that the non-douchebag wins in the end. That being honest and forthcoming and refraining from describing things as "money" (or sick, ill, phat, etc.) counts more than having the right pick-up line. Douchebags see Trent as Confucious and apply his philosophy to their lives, and we continue to suffer from such idiocy to this day.
At least zoot suits fell out of fashion, even if men still call their platonic male friends "Baby."
