An open letter to Judge Reinhold;
Mr. Reinhold, what happened? You use to be on top. You use to be king. You were the epitome of cool in your time. You were like the Kevin Pollack of the 80's!
Now don't get me wrong. I enjoyed The Santa Clause 3 just as much as the next guy, but watching you in that film Mr. Reinhold, was like watching a handicapped person trying to run. Sure it was good for a laugh at first, but then it just got kind of sad. And then totally funny again! Why was it sad you ask? Because you use to be Billy Rosewood for crying out loud! Yeah... Use to be...
What I'm getting at is I miss your quality films Mr. Reinhold. Top notch, gutsy films that made you contemplate the complexities of our existence and want to touch yourself at the same time. Movies such as Vice Versa, Off Beat, and quite possibly one of the greatest action-comedies ever, Beverly Hills Cop III. Trip to Wonder World anyone?
There are so many things which I admire about you. Your good looks. Your trademark mellow voice. Your canvas sized forehead. Mmmmm... It all makes me more wet than a Saint Bernard's mouth, and considering I'm a dude, that's pretty impressive in my book. But not only that, you just seem like the kind of guy I could share a beer with while catching up on a Flavor of Love marathon.
This is why I cannot stand by and let you go silently into the night. The whole word may have given up on you Mr. Reinhold, but I have not. This is why I have devised some rather elegant and clever solutions to revive your career.
Plan 1) Hang yourself.
Okay, this wouldn't really solve your career problems. And although I have performed many surgeries in my day, technically I am not a doctor. Having said that, I'm still pretty sure that hanging yourself would in fact kill you. For this and this reason alone, I think we should shy away from Plan 1.
Plan 2) (a.ka. Plan Poop) A sequel to Vice Versa.
Now I'm just spit balling here, but I think we should call it Vice Versa 2. That has a ring to it, doesn't it? You and the incomparable Fred Savage (Can't be too busy) could once again switch bodies. Of course one could possibly argue that since now you are both adults, watching you both try to cope with each other's day to day problems may not be as humorous without the generation gap, but I simply say this to them; Fuck you. You are stupid. If there's one plot that hasn't been beaten to death, it's body switching movies.We need more body switching movies Hollywood!
Plan 3) Teaming up with an A-list Hollywood director.
This plan could totally revive your pathetic, worthless excuse for a career lately! (No offense) I know it would be hard to choose just one director because everyone in Hollywood is so talented, but what about someone like Stephen Speilberg? I'm a huge fan of his, and I hear he makes a pretty decent flick from time to time.
If all else fails, I suggest a sex tape. And in case you're wondering, yes, I am free. I may be a guy, but I can assure you my hands are soft to the touch and very girlish. I moisturize daily.
Also I had another idea, but I need to be completely honest with you first. It took me up until a few days ago to realize you are not an actual judge, and that Judge is in fact your name. Boy was my face red! But this may be why you're not getting offered roles. Producers may be thinking you're too busy being an actual judge! To avoid confusion such as this in the future, I suggest you change your name to something a bit more simple. Something that flows off the tongue. Something that won't confuse people. Like Judge Judgerson.
And to be completely honester, I've never actually watched any of your films. I've just read fan synopsis' of them all online, but most of them sound really good! I just think you're a total stud. Once I return Madea's Family Reunion to Netflix I shall order one of your films next and begin familiarizing myself with your body of work.
Sincerely,
Your only fan,
Becky
P.S. Not to sound creepy or weird, but you look like the kind of hunk who has a big ol' dong. Do you?
P.P.S. If the afore mentioned dong is in fact enormous, could you please send me an autographed 8x10 photo of it. If an 8x10 sized photo is too small to accurately capture your monstrous manhood, (Wink, wink. Here's hoping) a 10x14 would be more than acceptable as well. I have mailed two self-addressed envelopes to your trailer park.
Posted September 12, 2008 | 0 comments
CelebritiesAn open letter to Judge Reinhold;
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