Grab that Lakers jersey you haven’t worn since pretending to be a fan during the 2009 NBA championship run, fire up the online betting account, and tell your future ex-wife that the kids are going to be driving themselves to soccer practice for the next seven months. The most anticipated NBA season since 2009 starts today, and we’re here to tell you exactly how things are going to turn out with 25 predictions that are 100 percent guaranteed to come true (provided of course that you don’t know what the word "guaranteed" means).
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1. Detlef Schrempf’s Comedy Troop Will Sell More Tickets than the Sacramento Kings
Say what you will about German comedy, but Detlef Schrempf’s “Eins, Zwei… Laugh” tour is quickly becoming the funniest thing to hit the NBA since J.J. Redick’s assertion that he thinks there’s a team that will actually give him playing time. With dates scheduled across the country, it’s highly likely that Schrempf’s shows outsell the 12,000 fans that reluctantly attend the Kings games every night simply because both bars in the downtown Sacramento area get filled up pretty quickly after the church bake sale.
2. People Magazine will Name Adam Morrison the “Sexiest Draft Bust Alive.”
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In their highly anticipated “Creepy Moustache Issue” due out next month, the sports-inclined folks at People magazine will take a break from reporting on which D-List celebrities the unemployed vagrants on The Hills are pleasuring in a nightclub coatroom, in order to name Adam Morrison the Sexiest Draft Bust Alive, shocking 11-time recipient Ryan Leaf. The Gonzaga alum, who has become an NBA journeyman while still on his rookie contract, was unavailable for comment, as his people – with a straight face - said he was busy “practicing for the upcoming season.” Glad to see they all have a sense of humor about it! (And yes, he actually has “people.”)
3. I will Purchase Carmelo Anthony’s New Scent of Tag Body Spray “Step Up” as a Wedding Present For Any of My Friends Who Have the Balls to Invite Me to Their Destination Wedding
Nothing says “I’m not taking a week off of work to fly to Hawaii to see you make the biggest mistake of your life” quite like receiving a four-dollar bottle of body spray marketed by a sweaty basketball player that appeared in a “Stop Snitchin'” threat video by a Baltimore drug cartel. If you want to invite people to a destination wedding you know won’t show up in order to get more presents, you better not expect a legitimate gift. (No, I’m not the annoying guy at every wedding accidentally saying “you know, there’s a 50 percent chance they get divorced” to the bride’s parents… But I am the gentleman who asks what kind of over/under that guy is offering. I made bank on the Silverstein divorce!)
4. Much Like He Did With Michael Jordan’s Gambling Problems, David Stern Will Force Peja Stojakovic to Take a Year Off of Basketball in Order to Get His Body Odor Issues Under Control
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Ever wonder why the New Orleans Hornets, despite being a very talented team, never have fans in the lower bowl? It’s getting to the point where the team is travelling in Hazmat suits and holding two-a-day shower sessions during training camp.
