5. Glenn Beck
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Imagine if a major nationally syndicated news network gave that guy at the bus station who screams about how the country is controlled by genetically-modified gerbils his own television show. That's not what Glenn Beck's show is like. But if you gave that guy a haircut that looked like Steve Martin had enlisted in the Army, then you'd have the Glenn Beck Program. A man so scared of his country's future under a non-Bush president that his white hair reflects his emotions (when he's happy, it turns spruce green), Beck treats every story with the wild-eyed look of a crazed conspiracy theorist who could prove his wackjob claims if the voices in his head would stop trying to talk over one another. He's made wild, unsubstantiated claims about how the U.S. Census and gay marriage will rip through the very fabric of America. He feels so strongly about these issues that he has broken down in tears on more than one occasion while he is still on the air.
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We would tell him to "soldier up," but that would just make him think that we're being invaded by space aliens.
4. Sean Hannity
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It's hard to know where to start with Sean Hannity, so we'll go chronologically, which is the first time the word "logic" and "Sean Hannity" have ever appeared together in the same sentence. He hosted Fox News' first and only debate show with liberal commentator Alan Colmes where every debate consisted of just how wrong Colmes was on any particular issue. Then when Colmes left the show, he replaced his once formidable opponent with…Sean Hannity. Just about every news clip and sound byte on his show is taken out of context to fit his editorials and chopped up more than Steve Buscemi in Fargo.
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His panelists are stacked to the nines with such insightful and well-reasoned news analysts like former Saturday Night Live actress Victoria Jackson. The news can swing whichever way Hannity wants it to when it's on his show. It's the television equivalent of riding a seesaw with former Chicago Bears defensive lineman William "The Refrigerator" Perry.
3. Alan Colmes
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The only person worse than Hannity is his former counterpart, a weak-kneed left wing pundit who became the first person in television history hired for a news debate show to not participate in the debate. His trembling voice and weakened frame served as the perfect ying to Hannity's yang, if by perfect you mean letting an injured wildebeest share the same space with a fully grown African lion for 30 minutes a night. I've seen punching bags that put up more of a fight.
2. Bill O'Reilly
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I could dedicate a new New Testament-length list of reasons for why Bill O'Reilly has one of the douchiest shows in the history of television. He yells and bullies guests who dare to express an opinion that he doesn't hold to at least within 1/100ths of a percent. He calls people he disagrees with pinheads and tells them to "shut up" while he is interviewing them and if they don't, he shuts their mic off. He stalks people who won't go on his show. Actually, he doesn't even stalk these people himself...he gets one of his staff members to do it for him.
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I'll bet he even makes his staff stalkers go on a coffee run while they're out rummaging through Gore Vidal's garbage bins. The man singlehandedly put the "news" in "nuisance".
1. Nancy Grace
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Ever hear of the legal phrase "innocent until proven guilty"? Nancy hasn't. Her legal expertise seems to reflect that of a gossipy hair salon owner who bases all of her proof and evidence on the walls of public bathrooms and highway CB radio chatter. Every case that comes across her news desk is stamped guilty beyond a reasonable doubt, which is her style because reasonable doesn't seem to exist in her vocabulary. And if the case happens to fall apart or fail to garner a conviction, she has a rather neat way of addressing the necessary correction: She gets someone else to report it! Sounds like someone went to the Bill O'Reilly School of Broadcast Journalism. I believe it is located right in between the Mike Tyson School of Voice and Diction and the Alan Colmes Debate College.
Luckily, not everyone falls for her crap.
Danny Gallagher is a freelance writer, humorist, reporter and spandex tester living in Texas. His website is Danny Gallagher.net. He can also be found on MySpace and Twitter.
