DW Showdown Match 1: Gangsta Thug vs. Good 'ol Southern Redneck!
Hey everyone, this is Jhanson712 and I want to try my luck with writing a simulation. This is my first one; however, I have read many others¿ simulations so I would like to think I know what I¿m doing. For some background on this one, this pairing was suggested in a hilarious forum post so I knew I had to replicate it here. Therefore, credit of the idea to whoever thought it up. BTW, this isn¿t intended to offend anyone, so grab a coke, tear open the chips and read along! I also included links to some fitting music for each section.
(suggested reading music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2e3TyzBkItk&feature=related )
Throughout the history of American pop culture, there have been two conflicting archetypes that have symbolized the ideal man¿.the fact that they are the thug and the hillbilly may show us where our culture has gone wrong. This match is about more than that though; it¿s about two different ways of going about life and two different codes of conduct that are in conflict. It¿s country versus rap, the free range versus the slumlord, the family versus the set. Like all warriors, though, they do share some sort of connection-devotion to loved ones, integrity to their ways of life, and above all an ability to fight. These two could plausably fight today, and probably would if they got near each other, so it is even more intriguing to simulate a fight on equal terms. Without further ado, here are the contenders themselves!
Contender 1: The Hillbilly Redneck!
INTRO: The redneck is the symbol of Southern pop culture and of the heartbeat of America. He arose out of the Southern rebel experience and was finely honed by poverty and the farm into the gas-guzzling, SPAM eating, proud good ¿ol boy of today. He lives for his farm, a cold beer, and Lynyrd Skynyrd. Years of hunting and barroom brawls mean that he knows how to fight as well, since living in the backcountry often means taking the law into one¿s own hands. As someone put it, they ¿cling to guns and religion¿, and anyone who tries to take these away often end up going down a one way crik, so to speak...
See the next page for the tools of the Redneck!
Southern Redneck Weapons
Close Range: Hunting Knife
A hillbilly, by necessity, needs a big knife to skin game and settle fights at the bar. Though not formally trained, a hillbilly with a knife is a sure bet in any fight not involving a gun. Many a redneck owes his life to his trusty knife, whether from such a fight or from a wild animal attack.
Mid Range: Military Saber
Many rednecks have experience in the military, and some still know how to use their swords. Often a former Marine or someone with a Confederate ancestor has one of these proudly displayed over the fireplace, and they will sometimes be used to defend home and family. At 35 inches, a saber can easily cut limbs off or pierce kevlar.
Long Range: 2 Barrel Shotgun
The shotgun has been a mainstay of country life since the 1800s, and has a comfortable door nook in every Southern country home. It is used to defend the house, bag game, and scare away unruly kids. Its small magazine is offset by its massive killing power, which is to say that it can only be shot twice but when it hits it blows limbs off.
Super Long Range: .223 Rifle
A rifle is the mainstay of the redneck, and it used with fervor every deer season. The .223 caliber is light and manageable, and since it is used with the M-16 is familiar to those with military experience. A scope is sometimes used as well to shoot those pesky squirrels.
Armor: Camo Jacket
Country folk distrust body armor as suspicious and bulky, so when hunting most choose to go with a camo jacket. It¿s thick, warm, and helps one blend into the woods. It doesn't protect against much except cuts, but it is better than nothing.
Special: Big-Ass Fireworks
Anyone who has been to a hillbilly fair knows that there is often firework-related mischief involved. In large enough quantities, fireworks can blow off limbs and maim in other interesting ways. Their disadvantages involve fuses and the carrying of explosives, but at least if they win the rednecks will have one hell of a celebration!
Tactics: Just Like Huntin'
Rednecks are the connsumate woodsmen, so they know how to stalk and kill prey such as deer and squirrels. They typically use stealth whenever possible; when their cover is blown, though, they will give a rebel yell and charge straight at the enemy. They combine recklessness and caution in an unusual way.
Before it was bought by the Belgians, Budweiser was the official beer of America. Some rednecks today still stick to Bud, mainly out of habit. Many quotes from past commercials can be heard in drunk gatherings, and real good ¿ol boys stick to the more fattening original beer.
It's obvious that the Redneck is a dangerous character, but the Gangsta Thug's gunning for him on the next page....
Contender 2: The Gangsta Thug!
INTRO: The Gangsta thug is the epitome of urban decay and popular culture. Arguably no one has done more to influence the minds of young people today like the predominantly poor and black hustlas of Chicago, LA, and New York. Millions of desperately poor people look at stars such as Fiddy Cent (who is shown here) as examples of how to hit the ¿big life¿. Violence and loyalty are the two characteristics of Gangsta Thug life, as most hustlas are part of ¿sets¿ or gangs such as the Crips, Black Kings, Bloods, and Vice Lords. Many risk death on a daily basis for the hope of rising out of poverty by selling drugs and impressing gang leaders. As such, most are armed to the teeth with whatever they can get their hands on. Rich Ganstas pack assault rifles and body armor making them more than a match for police. Even low ranking hustlas, though, are expert fighters since life on the streets is a balancing act between life and death.
Go to the next page to see what the Thug's packin'!
Gangsta Thug Weapons
Close Range: Butterfly Knife
The easily concealable knife has been a staple of urban crime since time immemorial, and Gangsta Thugs are no exception in their preference of knives. They are easily concealable and can be whipped out quickly and used with lightning speed without attacting the attention of a gunshot. It¿s often the case that knives are brought out when things get serious in da hood, and the combatants involved often have experience making shivs in jail. A Gangsta with a knife is dangerous because he knows how to use it more quickly than a gun can be readied. Butterfly knives are illegal in many areas but combine concealability with range. Plus, they are just plain cool to watch!
Mid Range: Machete
The machete has always been the long blade of choice for criminals because it is cheap and packs a lot of weight into each cut. Frequently carried by gangs with a Mexican affiliation, the machete has spread across America to be the most common sword type weapon. Gangsta thugs will pack a machete when they really mean business, such as during a excecution or a drug deal. It¿s almost as quick as the knife but with more range (about two feet), so up close a machete user is extremely dangerous.
Long Range: Smith and Wesson .40 Pistol
The pistol is the most identifiable weapon of the modern Gangsta Thug, and is typically his most prized posession. The pistol is used in gang hits, robberies, and as an object of intimidation. Polymer framed pistols such as the Glock are light and easy to use, carrying many rounds which is ideal for gang-style shooting. The Glock is imported and is a typical ¿cop gun¿ so our thug is equipped with the U.S. made Smith and Wesson .40 Pistol. It carries 15 rounds of .40 ammo that pack more stopping power than 9mm bullets. It would be easily obtainable on the black market for illegally registered firearms.
Super Long Range: 12 Guage Pump Shotty
Pump-action shotguns, besides pistols, are the weapons most associated with urban street gangs. Without shocks, they are easily concealed under coats and due to shot spread don¿t take much skill to use. Pumps are preferred because they are cheaper and very reliable. Often called just ¿pumps¿, shotguns don¿t have super long range but can reach far enough to do the job especially against unarmored opponents. They carry 8-10 shells and all gang members are familiar with their use, with most having one of their own.
Armor: Kevlar Vest
Body armor is among a Gangsta Thug¿s most valued possessions, and it is owned by the select few of a gang, typically high-ranking enforcers. It's expensive and difficult to obtain, but it¿s all worth it when a killing shot is stopped cold. Kevlar is light and easily concealable, and it can stop pistol, fragment, and shotgun rounds. It¿s often said that Fiddy Cent was shot nine times but survived thanks to his kevlar. That alone should testify to the utility of this armor.
Special: Pit Bull and Molotov Cocktails
Dog fighting is a big part of organized crime, especially in the South. Pit Bulls are extremely strong dogs that have been trained to ignore fear and go for the kill every time. Most high-ranking gang members have their own pit bull, which is used to intimidate and attack intruders as well as bring in extra money through gambling. Molotov Cocktails are well-known as petrol bombs and are easily made as well as extremely dangerous. While rarely fatal, they often distract enemies long enough for them to be finished off by other means.
Tactics: Don't F*ck wit da Pimp
A big element to the successof gang leaders is their swagger, also called Having the Nuts to Hustle. They can go into any situation and know that they are better equipped, better supported, and better adapted than their opponents. Believing that one is always going to win can be a self-fufilling prophecy, and eventually Gangstas gain so much respect that they command absolute power on the streets.
Drink: Grey Goose
Grey Goose is a French-made vodka that calls itself the ¿world¿s best tasting." It is made from French Wheat distilled nine times and filtered through charcoal. It¿s expensive and is seen as a status symbol by Gangsta Thugs. It goes well with martinis and a variety of other drinks.
The weapons and fighting style of our combatants have been displayed. Now all that remains is to turn on the simulator and see WHO...IS...DEADLIEST?????
"Monster" Kody didn¿t like the job he was going to do, but it was a special assignment from the head of the Black Kings in Chicago. He knew that it was important; t he truck ride all the way to Mississippi had proven that alone. It just so happened that the gang had some competition in the meth trade these days, someone who was willing to undercut their prices in a big way. Of course that couldn't be tolerated, so Kody packed his weapons and even brought his dog along to see his first killing. If only he could pull this job off Kody could score major props in the set and even come to control his own neighborhood. Selling crack wasn¿t enough to support his two children; he needed to make it big for them, move somewhere that they would get a chance that he never did. He thought of Dr. Dre, Tupac, Snoop Dogg, and Fiddy Cent before him as the cornfields gave way to an endless string of Wal-Marts and Home Depots. "Some day I could sip Bacardi like its my birthday" He fired a few shots from his pistol out the window like he saw on TV; he took a sip of Grey Goose out of his flask; those were the cool things to do. Bangin' wasn't a part-time job; soon he would be doing it for real.
Larry MacGillis wasn't a cable guy, but he may well have been one. The harvests this year had stunk, much as the harvests of the past five years. All he really had was his loving family, a farm he could call his own, and some buddies he hung around with while drunk. He just wanted a better life for himself and his folks; wasn¿t that too much to ask? Of course it wasn't right to cook methamphetamine in his basement, but Larry hoped that God would forgive him for putting food on the table and his kids through school. The orders kept coming in- tough-looking black men would drive up, slip him wads of cash, and drive away. They came more and moe often; soon the loan his father had taken would be paid off! It was the third of July when the news reached his small town- they were coming for him. Someone high up was pissed and wanted him dead. Larry was too scared to tell anyone; he was the honorary sheriff of the town, and he knew that he alone could face the demon once and for all. He loaded up his double barrel shotgun and dusted off his sword- both had been passed from his grandfather. He also brought out some massive fireworks, for if he won he would throw the best party ever with plenty of Budweiser.
It was high noon when the truck drove up to the small house, and Kody knew that something was fishy from the start. He grabbed his weapons, which included his trusty pump as well as some molotovs, and sneaked torwards the house. Larry was armed and ready, and the family was out on errands, so it was only the two of them. CRAK! A shot left Larry¿s .223 rifle and dinged at the car door. With an inspiring "Oh Shit! Farm boy don't f*ck wit a gangsta", Kody responded by emptying two shots from the pump into the window of the house. Kody and Larry traded fire for a minute, with Kody taking refuge behing his truck. Finally, Kody had an idea- to empty tenements he always set the building on fire! He lit his molotov and with a WHOOSH it created a fire in the house. Knowing he was flushed out, Larry grabbed his shotty and advanced like a maniac, screaming and unloading shells at the truck. Kody then had another idea- his pit bull Vick was barking, thirsty for blood. He unlocked the cage, and the dog ran straight for Larry while Kody gave cover fire with his pistol. The redneck was taken to the ground by the crazed dog, but he unsheathed his knife and slashed at the pit bull. While not mortally wounded, Vick had a gash in his side and the dog ran away as he yelped. As the two were reloading at opposite sides of the burning house, Larry yelled , "City folk can't tangle with a country boy. I'm giving you a chance, so git!" Kody responded with pistol fire; he knew that failure was not an option here; he would be tracked down and killed for that. Click! Kody was out of bullets. He pulled out his machete, which he felt was as good a weapon as any for the situation. He ran for Larry, who unsheathed his saber as he gave a "Yee-HAW!!! This is how we tangle down South!" Kody swiped at Larry, but he had to retreat to dodge the greater range of the saber. THUNK! Larry suddenly tripped over a fallen piece of burning wood and was face up-on the ground. He started to say his prayers, thanking God for a good life¿ before he leapt up and reached in his pocket for a string of M-80s he had in his coat. Tossed into the flames, the fireworks exploded immediately, blowing Kody's right hand off. With a final scream of "Stonewall Jackson sends his regards! YEEHAW!!!", Larry finished the job with a decapitation.
It was truly the biggest party in the county. Word had spread quickly of Larry¿s "heriocs" and a crowd of thousands helped him rebuild his house. The farm was paid off, and even Vick the pit bull had been adopted by a local family. The killing of "Monster" Kody, one of the rising stars in the Black Kings, shocked the entire Chicago gang structure. From now on, they would send squads to do justice. In any case, they wouldn't mess with Larry again, who was out of the meth business for good and now on the state police force. Neither man's kids would know yet of the violence that transpired, and that was for the better. Kody's would get a gang pension and grow up to be kingpins themselves. Larry, meanwhile, and his family would light fireworks every 3rd of July and while sitting by the campfire he would tell them one hell of a story.
Winner: Southern Redneck!!!
*As a side note, I will be using iHonk's proven system of scoring the combatants. Credit goes to him for making the system*
How it Went Down
Close Range: Hunting Knife vs. Butterfly Knife
The Redneck's hunting knife is the better piece of steel, being able to cut through things the Butterfly knife can¿t. However, up close the Butterfly is quicker to draw and can do serious damage by stabbing. The fact that the Gangsta Thug fights knife-wielding opponents regularly gives him the edge in Close Range.
Redneck: 5/10 Gangsta Thug: 7/10
Mid Range: Military Saber vs. Machete
The Military Saber gets the edge here for being longer, better made, and more pointed. Unlike the Machete, one can stab as well as slash with this weapon. It's sharper and has been better cared for. It can also pierce the kevlar armor of the Gangsta Thug. The extra range of the weapon compensates for the Redneck's inexperience with it.
Redneck: 8/10 Gangsta Thug: 5/10
Long Range: 2 Barrel Shotty vs. SW .40 Pistol
The 2 Barrel Shotty is a devastating weapon and the Redneck is well-skilled using it, but the Gangsta gets 15 shots to his two and lives and dies by the pistol. The Gangsta's kevlar vest also comes into play here since it can stop buckshot to the torso (but not other areas).
Redneck: 6/10 Gangsta Thug: 10/10
Super Long Range: .223 Deer Rifle vs. Pump Action Shotty
The Redneck has hunted all his life, and it finally pays off for him here. His .223 Rifle has superior range and stopping power to the Shotty, and the bullet can pierce the Kevlar vest of the Big Time Hustla. The fact that the Redneck is at range using the rifle means he can kill beyond the range of the Thug, which is a huge benefit.
Redneck: 10/10 Gangsta Thug: 6/10
Special: Big-Ass Fireworks vs. Pit Bull and Molotovs
The Pit Bull and Molotovs each are more of an add-on to the Gangsta¿s arsenal rather than effective killing tools, but either could catch the Hillbilly off-guard here and there. The fireworks aren't very effective either, but can be used for distraction and maiming. A pack of dogs is very dangerous, but a Redneck could deal with one on his own. The fireworks have more killing power than the molotov (like a small grenade) but the dog as a distraction is valuable, so our Homeboy gets a small advantage.
Redneck: 4/10 Gangsta Thug: 6/10
Armor: Camo Jacket vs. Kevlar Vest
Gangsta wins clearly here, but his armor is almost underwhelming. It protects against the shotgun well and against knives decently, but it is not effective against the Saber or the Deer Rifle. It definitely beats having no protection, but the Homie only gets a marginal points advantage.
Redneck: 5/30 Gangsta Thug: 15/30
Tactics: Just Like Huntin¿ vs. Don¿t F*ck wit da Pimp
Although the Thug has absolute power on the streets he is out of his element on a neutral battlefield. He can¿t rely on the support of others, although his own will to win deserves merit. Bangin' ain't no part-time job, but neither is surviving in the wilderness with nothing but a gun, a coat, and a strip of jerky. The sheer resourcefulness and guerrilla fortitude of the Redneck give him the edge in tactics.
Redneck: 20/20 Gangsta Thug: 10/20
Drink: Budweiser vs. Grey Goose
Come on, did you really think I was going to count this as a category? However, it's interesting to know what these two drink because it shows what they value. For the Redneck, intimacy and a good time. For the Gangsta, wealth and power.
Redneck: 10/10 Gangsta Thug: 10/10
The Redneck was able to win this fight because he had a capable long-range weapon that was able to beat anything the Gangsta Thug could do at that distance. The Redneck's focus on hunting and guerrilla tactics meant that the Thug often didn¿t know what was coming next. The pistol and shotty were lethal in close, but the Hillbilly's own shotgun didn¿t fare too badly with its sheer force and the yokel's skill at using it. At point blank, the saber was able to outrange anything the Gangsta could muster, while neither side¿s special had a major effect on the outcome.
Redneck: 5+8+6+10+6+4+5+20+10= 74
Gangsta Thug: 7+5+10+6+6+15+10+10= 69
SOUTHERN REDNECK WINS!!!
If anything, this match proves like Jesse James/Capone did that the man behind the gun is just as important as the gun itself. I hope you have had as much fun reading this matchup as I did writing it!