History's 10 Most Important Moustaches
Since the dawn of time, the light of creation has shown down with favor on the most noble of man-growths: The Moustache. This is its story as told through its most important citizens.
10. Salvador Dali
Salvador Dali was a revolutionary surrealist artist and a crazy bastard (as so many revolutionary artists tend to be), but I’ll be damned if this effeminate Spaniard didn’t grow one hell of a fine ‘stache. Most famous of his works was the one with melting clocks. But who cares? Most famous of his moustache’s works was spitting in the face of space-time by defying gravity.
9. Rollie Fingers
Rollie Fingers and his iconic lip hedge are highly symbolic members of this list. They’re blazing gaslights of a bygone era of Americana – an era where Babe Ruth set the home run record on cheap women and cheaper booze. It was in this era that Rollie grew the above 'stache because he was paid $300 by the Oakland A’s owner, Charlie O (who was a whackjob). In 2007 Rollie was implicated in a tax scandal in which the state of Wisconsin alleged his owing 1.4 million dollars in back taxes. Happily, important documents were lost in his signature ‘stache, and they were unable to prosecute.
An alleged figure of Spanish mythology, no one knows for sure if Zorro’s real, but do not be fooled. The logical extension of that is that no person on Earth knows if he’s fake. Whether you believe or not, the moustache of Zorro is most certainly a fierce one – one wielded alternately to woo maidens and thwart ne’er-do-wells with fox-like cunning.
7. Wyatt Earp
From his Wiki: “Wyatt Berry Stapp Earp (March 19, 1848–January 13, 1929) was an American farmer, teamster, sometime buffalo hunter, officer of the law in various Western frontier towns, gambler, saloon-keeper, miner, and boxing referee.” A man with such varied vocations must be endowed with an equally proficient mouth forest to guard against spraying blood (buffalo and human) and bullet fragments. Little known fact: When passed through his bristly jaw jungle, a single malt whiskey distilled to a double malt.
6. Tom Selleck
Let’s just put this right out there: I have and always will hate Rosie O’Donnell for her berating Tom Selleck on her show because of his membership in the N.R.A. She deserves no less than to be hurled from a speeding red sports car in a tropical locale by Magnum P.I.’s disembodied and disgruntled, gun-toting moustache of legend.