Top 10 Buttons Every TV Remote Needs
10. Channel Skipper
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Having 600-plus channels to choose from might sound like utopia, but when 593 of them aren't even geared towards you, it feels like a bigger exercise in excess than opening a Baskin-Robbins stand inside a gym.
It's not an issue of content but convenience. Flipping channels at the speed of sound is a time-honored male tradition for finding entertainment. We're bombarded with programming that we'll never watch and not having to access them when we're scrolling through the lineups could free up a lot of time by getting us to the stuff we care about quicker. It could also eliminate this annoying activity that drives the fairer sex to madness. So ladies, it's really not for us. It's for you, just like the golf club membership, the Victoria's Secret gift card, and the ever distant chance for a threesome.
9. Cop Show Spoiler
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Nothing eats up more time than trying to make it to the end of a cop show mystery. It doesn't matter the show or the setting. You have to find out who did it and why once you flip past the start of a CSI or one of the 2.3 billion Law & Order spinoffs.
Imagine the convenience of learning the end of a gripping mystery by just pushing a button. When your rushed for time but you have to know who's behind the orphan trafficking ring or why someone was beaten to death with a giant ceramic swan, you can simply push a button and learn the identity of the guilty party or parties, their motives for their crimes, and whether or not they will face any kind of punishment for their crimes. It's like having that annoying guy at the office who talks about every show that aired the previous before living in your TV, except you can mute them without duct tape.
8. Live Car Chase Alert
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Every so often, local news networks will cut into regular programming to provide live, on-the-scene footage of an out-of-control police chase from their news helicopter. The only program is they only usually happen during the day when you're at work or passed out drunk on your in-law's couch, so the only way you can catch one is to have a TV welded to your skull.
This button would not only alert you when an awesome car chase is being broadcast, but it would also automatically record them for the twisted gearhead in all of us. And if you happen to catch it long after police have stopped the vehicle or the driver flipped his own getaway car because powersliding looks easier than it actually is, the recording can also provide full information on the suspect, the charges against him, and an estimated total of public and private property damage so when you utter a self-assuring "Sucks to be them," you can rest assured that it does suck to be them.
7. Massive Dunk Auto-Pause
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Basketball is an awesome spectator sport but thanks to aerodynamic footwear and growth hormone injections, it's better than ever with its spectacular, over-the-top dunks.
However, catching a good one in action takes a lot of attentive skill. Thanks to this function on your remote, your TV can watch the game for you and just as a high-flying power forward is about to take off for a stylish two-pointer, it slows the frame rate down a slow crawl to give you time to divert your attention to the dunk and witness the mad slamma-jammer in real time.
6. Phone Sex Ad Auto-Record
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Life would be so much better if we didn't have day jobs to get up for the next morning. Sure, being able to watch the game on the weekend and our favorite shows just before we have to go to bed are cool, but the real fun always happens late at night when humans require sleep. Plus, I refuse to badmouth something as awesome as sleep before anything, including sex since that usually leads to lovely, lovely sleep.
Which leads us to the awesome phone sex ads that we all spent our entire adolescence trying to witness on late night TV long before the Internet made porn easier to access and therefore boring. So to bring some of the spontaneity back to being turned on, an erotic phone line commercial can be a welcome interruption to your favorite program. Of course, they usually air in the wee hours of the morning, so this function when pushed hunts and records them across your TV dial so when you're stuck watching a boring ad, you can add these sexual snacks in between your favorite commercials. Whether or not you choose to call them is between you, God, and the creepy guy at the NSA who gets paid with your tax dollars to listen to all of your private phone conversations.