The Top 10 Hits the Band Wishes Didn't Exist

by Theta1138   June 22, 2010 at 10:00AM  |  Views: 3,015



5. Ozzy Osborne, "Close My Eyes Forever"

Source: Bryan Bedder/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

We all know Ozzy.  "Crazy Train," "Bark at the Moon," and of course his career in Black Sabbath.  Which makes his "duet" with Lita Ford, "Close My Eyes Forever," one of the biggest "what the hell?" moments in music this side of Garth Brooks deciding he wanted to play rock music.

Seriously, check out the video of this cheesmo monstrosity.  You've got Ozzy in enormous Farrah hair with the worst backing guitar riff this side of "Missing You," and Lita Ford, who is one of the Runaways nobody cared about, singing a duet with Ozzy.  What's scary is: they both look alike.  Seriously.

 



Normally we'd say Ozzy was on drugs, but we already knew that.  Maybe he got some bad drugs.  Or maybe they switched his drugs out to something worse.  Maybe he started drinking Benzene.  That's about the only thing that makes sense.  Thankfully, metal Ozzy returned and we haven't heard much of ballad Ozzy since.  No, he did not perform a song with his daughter called "Changes."  We don't know what you're talking about!  Such a song doesn't exist!  And we'll keep drinking this paint thinner until we know that for certain!

4. Filter, "Take a Picture"

Source: Chapman Baehler/Wikipedia/Creative Commons

Filter, an industrial rock band out of Cleveland led by the T-1000's brother, had huge success right out of the gate with "Hey Man, Nice Shot," a song about suicide.  Yeah.  Filter's not cuddly.  Or at least they weren't.

We've got to wonder what fans of the band made of "Take a Picture," a mellow, acoustic ballad.  True, it's intended to be an ironic reflection since the lyrics refer to an incident where the frontman got wasted and stripped naked on an airplane.

Unfortunately, Filter tended to write their lyrics in a somewhat oblique way, and people never listen to lyrics anyway, as the entire career of most pop singers can attest.  "Take a Picture" because a massive hit, by far Filter's biggest song, and joined the ranks of dozens of misinterpreted hits that people love because they sound pretty while not listening to the lyrics.

 

3. The Beastie Boys, "Fight For Your Right to Party"

Soruce: Ebet Roberts/Redferns/Getty Images

There are many things that define the '80s, but none of them were more annoying than the songs about how you had a right to be an obnoxious jerk that were incredibly, mindblowingly tame.  You know, "I Can't Drive 55," "Smokin' In the Boys Room," and songs like that.  Songs that pretty much said you were about as rebellious and badass as Lawrence Welk.

The Beastie Boys, finding this as annoying as everybody else, responded with a goof on songs like this: "Fight For Your Right." They made the lyrics as over-the-top as humanly possible, our favorite being "your mom threw away your best porno mag" which acknowledges something most of the guys singing songs like this pretended didn't exist, even though most of them were probably dating porn stars.

 



As you might have guessed, the fans of the song missed the point, and missed it considerably.  The Boys enjoy the song so much, they haven't performed it live in over 20 years and in fact followed it up with Paul's Boutique, an album designed to both show their creativity and alienate all those alleged fans wanting more "Fight For Your Right." 

Well, that song turned out well for the rest of us, anyway.

2. Radiohead, "Creep"

Source: John Shearer/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

Yeah, throwing a band that changes their musical stylings every album might seem a little unfair, but "Creep" deserves a special mention, if for no other reason that Radiohead wishes it didn't exist.

"Creep," as anybody who cried to it during high school in the mid-'90s (shut up, we were sensitive then) knows, was pretty much a high school alienation anthem.  Unfortunately, it was also the only Radiohead song most people wanted to hear.  Radiohead got to witness people showing up, hearing "Creep", and actually leaving.

 



They hated it so much, they composed a song about it in their next album, "My Iron Lung," sending up both their commercial attachment to the song, and people who didn't give a crap about the rest of their work.

It became a hit, and took the place as the song they hated that everybody demanded they play.  Which probably led to OK Computer, an album without a definable hit and probably one of the best concept albums ever, and then to the rest of Radiohead's career, which, well, we'll leave it to you to decide if Kid A was brilliant or just a coaster.


1. REM, "Shiny Happy People"

Source: Odd Andersen/AFP/Getty Images

REM is best known as the band that brought college rock to the masses, which means either they substantially improved American radio or ruined college rock, depending on who you're talking to and how bitter they are about it.

"Shiny Happy People" was, of course, a satire.  Are you kidding?  This is REM.  Either the songs are oblique references to comedians or they're just flat out depressing.  Either way, nobody got the joke and REM found itself besieged by people basically asking them to fill a niche that would remain empty until the Barenaked Ladies came along.  It was also their last top 10 single, which didn't stop it from being omitted from their Greatest Hits albums.

 



Nor was REM alone.  AOL Music ranked it as the number one wussiest song, Blender dubbed it one of the 50 worst songs of all time, and in general, everybody hates it.

Now, "Furry Happy Monsters" is an entirely different story.

 

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