The Top Seven Awesome Things You Didn't Know About Michael Bay

June 23, 2009

Now that Transformers 2 is just around the corner, it seems like a good time to turn over a few rocks and learn a few things nobody knew about this explosions-addicted filmmaker. He takes crap from the critics and bags of money from audiences every time his movies make a zillion dollars. So who is Michael Bay, really?

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7. His genitalia frightens A-list directors.

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The Urban Dictionary foolishly defines the name Michael Bay as “Untalented Director,” but McG was sufficiently cowed by Bay’s directorial talent to challenge him to a contest of cocks. Knowing full well who the better (longer) man was, McG pulled out at the last moment, even going so far as to concede he suffered from the dreaded “Irish curse.” It’s easy to talk smack about the guy who made Armageddon, but not so easy to put your penis where your mouth is. Figuratively speaking.

He’s a man of the people: Leave the art house movies about drug addicts and “relationships” to fops like Darren Aronofsky and Ron Howard. Michael Bay is just giving the masses what they want in heavy doses. If Spielberg is the Tylenol of special effects films, Bay is the Oxycontin. Make sure you don’t take him on an empty stomach.

6. He only dates the hottest women in the world.

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When it comes to women and cars, Michael Bay has pretty darn good taste. He wants something that everyone likes to look at and can go from home to third base in under sixty seconds. Whether it’s his car or his woman, he needs it to be light, pretty, and agile (and preferably fuel-efficient). It's not enough for a woman to be hot. No, Michael Bay insists on dating only the hottest women Earth has ever known.

And he's dated some women that are as hot and fast as the Ferarri 360 Spider he drives. Some of the Michael Bay alumni include: Jaime Bergman, a Playboy centerfold, Houston (yes, that's a woman), Cara Michelle, Lisa Dergan and, of course, the magnum opus of his bitches brew, Pamela Anderson. A lot of people have said Michael Bay is a stupid, untalented hack, but it seems like he's having the last laugh. And every last hot woman on the planet.

5. He was rejected by USC’s film school.

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Man, somebody over at USC’s admissions office must’ve gotten their walking papers after Bad Boys grossed well over a hundred million dollars worldwide. USC also rejected Steven Spielberg (3 times). Yeah, they’ve got a proven track record when it comes to finding new talent. But when Michael Bay graduated from Wesleyan University he got a big ol’ “Pass” from the USC film program and went to Pasadena's Art Center College of Design instead. They must pat themselves on the back every year when it’s time to send out form letters hitting alumni up for money.

USC doesn't exactly have the best eye for talent. Sure, Robert Zemeckis, John Carpenter, Bryan Singer, George Lucas, John Milius, and Judd Apatow all came out of USC's film program. But you know what? None of them have ever been able to rock the feathered mullet quite as awesome as Michael Bay does every single day of the year. No highfalutin' diploma can grow you hair that sweet.

4. He made an extra on the set of Transformers sit in the corner after misbehaving.

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Yes, it’s true. When it comes to loud, expletive-strewn outbursts, Michael Bay can throw down with the best of them. And this is exactly what he did in the middle of Transformers when an uncooperative extra got up in his grill – or, more likely, didn’t follow Bay’s instructions to a nitpicky T. He got sent to the time-out corner and learned that, for an extra, life’s low points can always get lower. A Michael Bay detractor was born that day.

3. He was adopted.

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This might explain a lot when it comes to the kinds of movies Michael Bay makes. Big, loud, violent, explosive: he’s like a kid who wants attention from a couple of inattentive parents. In his case, these parents left him at a doorstep when he was an infant. Just imagine the kind of films Bay might have made had he not been given away to a child psychologist mother -- he might have made movies where people talk and emote. Which is to say, thank God he was adopted.

2. He called Kate Beckinsale fat on the set of Pearl Harbor.

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Of course, Bay would insist this is an exaggeration, and that he merely suggested she get in better shape. Nonetheless, Beckinsale walked away from Pearl Harbor not only with the taint of a box office bomb all over her, but, according to her, feeling ugly. Now there’s something to weep over: Kate Beckinsale feeling ugly. Next thing you know we’re supposed to feel bad because James Cameron called Arnold Schwarzenegger weak. Jog it off, Kate!

1. He thinks the director John Frankenheimer is his biological father.

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Apparently Bay went so far as to even have a DNA test done, which came out negative. But Bay insists when the test was carried out in the ‘80s DNA sampling was much more primitive and, thus, not reliable. If Frankenheimer really was Bay’s father he took it to the grave with him in 2002. But the thought that he’d be so ashamed of his son -- or the films that he’s directed -- that he wouldn’t want to fess up to his paternity is downright sad, and even adds an unexpected layer of pathos to the legend of Michael Bay.

They say Napoleon compensated for his short height by fighting war after war until his luck finally ran out at Waterloo. Maybe Michael Bay is compensating for the lack of a relationship with the father who didn’t want him with huge explosions, huge robots, and huge box office grosses. Whatever his creative inspirations are, they seem to make his vision larger as he gets older.

But wouldn’t it be interesting to see a Michael Bay film where nothing blows up? I wonder what Frankenheimer would think of that.

 

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