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The Top Seven Awesome Things You Didn't Know About Michael Bay

by nathanbloch   June 23, 2009 at 10:00AM  |  Views: 7,841

Now that Transformers 2 is just around the corner, it seems like a good time to turn over a few rocks and learn a few things nobody knew about this explosions-addicted filmmaker. He takes crap from the critics and bags of money from audiences every time his movies make a zillion dollars. So who is Michael Bay, really?

Source: Frank Micelotta/Getty Images

7. His genitalia frightens A-list directors.


Source: Ethan Miller/Getty Images

The Urban Dictionary foolishly defines the name Michael Bay as “Untalented Director,” but McG was sufficiently cowed by Bay’s directorial talent to challenge him to a contest of cocks. Knowing full well who the better (longer) man was, McG pulled out at the last moment, even going so far as to concede he suffered from the dreaded “Irish curse.” It’s easy to talk smack about the guy who made Armageddon, but not so easy to put your penis where your mouth is. Figuratively speaking.

He’s a man of the people: Leave the art house movies about drug addicts and “relationships” to fops like Darren Aronofsky and Ron Howard. Michael Bay is just giving the masses what they want in heavy doses. If Spielberg is the Tylenol of special effects films, Bay is the Oxycontin. Make sure you don’t take him on an empty stomach.

6. He only dates the hottest women in the world.


Source: Michel Boutefeu/Getty Images

When it comes to women and cars, Michael Bay has pretty darn good taste. He wants something that everyone likes to look at and can go from home to third base in under sixty seconds. Whether it’s his car or his woman, he needs it to be light, pretty, and agile (and preferably fuel-efficient). It's not enough for a woman to be hot. No, Michael Bay insists on dating only the hottest women Earth has ever known.

And he's dated some women that are as hot and fast as the Ferarri 360 Spider he drives. Some of the Michael Bay alumni include: Jaime Bergman, a Playboy centerfold, Houston (yes, that's a woman), Cara Michelle, Lisa Dergan and, of course, the magnum opus of his bitches brew, Pamela Anderson. A lot of people have said Michael Bay is a stupid, untalented hack, but it seems like he's having the last laugh. And every last hot woman on the planet.

5. He was rejected by USC’s film school.


Source: Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

Man, somebody over at USC’s admissions office must’ve gotten their walking papers after Bad Boys grossed well over a hundred million dollars worldwide. USC also rejected Steven Spielberg (3 times). Yeah, they’ve got a proven track record when it comes to finding new talent. But when Michael Bay graduated from Wesleyan University he got a big ol’ “Pass” from the USC film program and went to Pasadena's Art Center College of Design instead. They must pat themselves on the back every year when it’s time to send out form letters hitting alumni up for money.

USC doesn't exactly have the best eye for talent. Sure, Robert Zemeckis, John Carpenter, Bryan Singer, George Lucas, John Milius, and Judd Apatow all came out of USC's film program. But you know what? None of them have ever been able to rock the feathered mullet quite as awesome as Michael Bay does every single day of the year. No highfalutin' diploma can grow you hair that sweet.