Video games that come from movies are almost always worse than movies that come from books. They're completely different mediums - lovely on their own - but they're used for different things and that often makes translation difficult or impossible. Games are about playing. Movies are passive. And the makers of these games have room temperature I.Q.s.
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10. Raiders of the Lost Ark
Part of the reason this game sucked was that it was on Atari 2600. I get it. Don’t bother commenting about that. But I ask that you consider this: Atari 2600 was also responsible for the egg that hatched the entire gaming universe, Pong. Pong was off the hizzy, and Raiders of the Lost Ark, by comparison, was totally on the hizzy. Nobody wants to be on the hizzy.
9. Friday the 13th
This game is universally reviled for a variety of reasons, and it would be number one if it weren’t so obvious. That’s like saying Michael Jordan was the greatest basketball player of all time. True enough, but not that interesting. Friday the 13th failed for many reasons, but the principal one is that in this horror game, there is very little horror. You don’t play as Jason, and even when you see him, he is in broad daylight and moving slowly. Weak.
8. Shrek 2
Yes, it was for the Gamecube, and I’m aware that maybe a 20-something dude that plays and replays Crackdown isn’t the target audience. But seriously. I actually liked Shrek (the movie). There was enough in there to enjoy in there even for a cynical, old S.O.B. like me. But this game wrung the tongue in cheek out and focused solely on the blind dollar harvesting that made me hate Shrek 2 and Shrek 3 (the movies) so G.D. much. For shame, Shrek. You make a terrible ogre king.
7. Jaws: Unleashed
Jaws was (and is) effing terrifying, and every little boy is obsessed with (and an expert on) sharks. This seems like an automatic home run. But, to be perfectly frank, I'm not exaggerating when I say that I'd rather be eaten alive be a real great white shark than be forced to play this game from beginning to end. Jaws: Unleashed is hard to control, not ridiculous enough to be funny, and only fun for about 10 minutes
6. Star Wars: Bounty Hunter
Like Shrek, Star Wars has been strip mined beyond anything my furtive mind could’ve possibly imagined (and it can imagine some pretty crazy s**t). For that reason I hated Star Wars: Bounty Hunter. However, it ultimately falls into video game hell because of its crucifixion of super badass Jango Fett, a.k.a. The Fettman. He’s hard to control, not very deadly, and only looks okay. He’s the exact opposite of everything an interstellar bounty hunter should be, and this game is the exact opposite of awesome.
5. Ghostbusters II
Repetitive levels, un-scary baddies, and a jaw-clenchingly high difficulty for what is could have been a completely rad Ghostbusters game. This game should’ve been melted with a proton pack and sucked into their containment tank along with Gozer, Zuul, and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.
4. Enter the Matrix
Enter the Matrix was another one of these games that looks really good on paper. It’s too bad that video games are played on televisions, though. The Wachowski brothers are brilliant, and they decided to fill in the plot between the first and second of their Matrix movies with a video game. Not a bad idea, sirs. However, they focused too much on the story telling and not enough on the game. The cinematics were great and so was the story. But the game was so unplayable, I never got to see the entire thing.
3. The Blues Brothers
The Blues Brothers is definitely in my top 5 movies of all time, so this one hits pretty close to home (in this case: a chorus line kick to my figurative genitals). In this game, you play the Blues Brothers and that’s pretty awesome, but why it failed was it lacked the best part about Blues Brothers: the music. Also, the Blues Brothers didn’t look like the Blues Brothers. And instead of running from the cops and Nazis, they ran from, like, bear traps and things? Surely, Jon Belushi is rolling over sloshing around in his grave.
2. Iron Man
Iron Man was the second best movie of last year, and had all the potential to be a completely face-melting game. Mostly it could’ve been awesome because you get to be friggin’ Iron Man. I had such high hopes. Then, they came crashing down like Robert Downey Jr. at 7 a.m. in the Hollywood Hills. The clunky game play and infuriatingly difficult enemies made this game playable for about half an hour which is not even close to enough time to truly battle worldwide evil and corporate greed. You need, like, 3 hours minimum.
1. Street Fighter: The Movie
Street Fighter 2 revolutionized fighting games, and it’d be hard to fill the enormous shoes that it left in the Street Fighter franchise. Other titles have done alright, but Street Fighter: The Movie video game failed so epically that it actually made me like Street Figther 2 less. It’s like hating somebody because their grandkid is kind of a dick.