The Top Eight Most Ridiculous Fanboy Freakouts
4. Twilight Fans Furious That A Studio Changes The Actor For One Role, Vow To See The Film In Record Numbers Anyway, But With A Big Chip On Their Shoulders
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For millions of readers around the world, the Twilight series of books has graciously held their hands as they make the difficult transition from Harry Potter to whatever the hell the next crappy book series is. The appeal of the books is so powerful that some fans call them "twicrack." And these vampire junkies need their fix! They rushed to the stores whenever a book was released, they bought all the t-shirts and bumper stickers, and when the first movie adaptation Twilight was released, they flocked to theaters to drink it all in and raved about what they saw. Robert Pattinson was an wicked Edward! That one girl who played the main girl was great! And the guy who took his shirt off all the time? Totally Hot! Hollywood had gotten it right for once! Then the second film, Twilight: New Moon came out, and it was even better! What else could a person wrapped up in an impossible, unrealistic fantasy world ask for?
And then the bombshell dropped. Rachelle Lefevre, the actress who portrayed Victoria (we couldn't be bothered looking up anything about the character, but it's Twilight; she's either a tortured vampire or some chick who's in love with a tortured vampire) announced on her Twitter page that she would not be returning for the third film Twilight: Forbidden Thirst, or whatever the hell it's called. Twihards (yes, they call themselves that) put down their bon-bons, threw on their "Edward, bite me!" t-shirts, and sprung to action. They wrote letters and started petitions, and did all the other stuff that everyone else who gets way too pissed off over a creative or business decision does. They railed against the studio for being "stupid," and "unfair." They couldn't believe that someone had the nerve to change one small aspect of the story they enjoy. This, despite the fact that fan campaigns almost never work. The Studio didn't change their minds and the "outraged" fans admitted they'd still go and see the movie anyway.
3. What Do You Mean I Have To Wait Eight More Months For The Next Harry Potter Movie?!? Don't You Realize I Have Nothing Else In My Life?
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Before they gorge their imaginations on a sexy 120-year-old vampire in the Twilight series, fans of fantasy fiction were all about Harry. People all over the world had fallen in love with a little magic boy and his little magic adventures. They watched as he grew up from a bespectacled nerdy young boy to a bespectacled nerdy young man. They cheered at his victories and they cried at his tragedies. They followed all of his adventures with diligence and care. And somewhere along the line, they inexplicably felt entitled to determine how and when the character would next appear. After faithfully consuming seven books and five movie adaptations, fans felt they deserved to have a say in the release date of the sixth movie, Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince. Originally scheduled to be released in November 2008, the movie was delayed until July 17th, 2009. Warner Brothers, the studio that made the film, was quite open about the reasons. They thought it would make more money in the summer.
Once again, fans went bananas. But not the good kind of bananas. And can you blame them, really? People who base their lives on the release schedules of popular movies are understandably going to be upset when they have to wait an extra eight months to see a film that they already took the week off work to camp out and wait for. The boards at muggle.net were fuming. One fan called Ocean moaned he was, "totally disgusted at [Warner Bros.'] decision. I'm totally convinced that the decision was motivated by money and only money." Yeah! How dare a company do something based on how much money it will make them! What are they trying to do? Run a business?
Some fans turned to Facebook to share their pain. The group "The Delay of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince Has Ruined My Life" had over 5,000 members crying about having to wait a couple months to see their little wizard buddy. 52,896 people (30 more people than the population of Springfield, Oregon) signed an Internet petition to keep the original date. Funnily enough, several thousand people still signed the petition after the movie had already been released on the second date. Now that's useless dedication to a useless cause!
2. Let's All Send a Hollywood Studio A Whole Bunch Of One Kind Of Food That's Tangentially Related To That One TV Show We Like
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Every fall TV season, geeks (and everyone else for that matter) are faced with one of the most vexing of all pop culture dilemmas: to fall in love or not fall in love with a new show. Do you take a chance and invest the time and mental energy getting to know the characters, backstory, and mythology of a new show? If the show's a hit, then you can proudly claim you were there from day one, ahead of the trend curve. But if it tanks, you're left with nothing but tears, unresolved character arcs, loose plot threads, and an extra hour on Monday nights. For those brave, tragic souls who take the plunge of faith every year, nothing stings more than the dreaded word "canceled."
Most fans cry a little, let it go, and hope for next year. But some just can't let go. They start letter campaigns, internet petitions, and in a fairly recent trend, send the producers tons of some kind of food that's related to the show in a desperate bid to save them the trouble of finding something else to watch. This actually worked a couple times. Most notably with Tabasco sauce for the teen sci-fi drama Roswell, and nuts for Skeet Ulrich's post-apocalyptic sitcom Jericho. But then everybody who was a fan of any marginally successful TV show thought they'd do it, too. Unfortunately, it almost never worked after the first couple times. Millions of Mars Bars didn't save Veronica Mars, countless bags of sunflower seeds didn't save The 4400, bags of Sour Patch Kids couldn't save Kyle XY, and all the Rice-a-Roni in San Francisco didn't save Journeymen. The lesson is clear: Only fall in love with shows that will become hits. Or failing that, don't invest your personal sense of well-being and happiness on a f***ing TV show.
1. Spider-Man's One More Day, Same Old Freakout
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In the middle of Marvel Comics' Civil War crossover comic, Spider-Man went and did a silly thing. For a whole bunch of reasons that are only important to people who are interested in the political ins and outs of the Marvel Universe, Spider-Man decided to reveal his secret identity to the world. Once the crossover was over and Spider-Man's family had been repeatedly attacked by all the villains who could now look him up in the phone book, the eggheads over at Marvel realized they'd kind of painted themselves into a corner. So, like any good comic company, they just got out their pencils and wrote a cheapy little fix. Spider-Man made a deal with Mephisto - the Archdemon of Cheapy Little Fixes in the Marvel Universe to restore the status quo. Marvel decided to retcon Spider-Man's unmasking and at the same time erase his marriage so he'd be a swinging single like he used to. And by swinging, we mean having lots of different sexual partners, not flying through the city on artificial spider web, although he did still do that, too. The idea was that a married, tied-down Spider-Man just wasn't sustainable in a superhero comic. Eventually they'd have to show him getting fat, losing his hair, and sitting in a comfy chair staring at a giant TV, and wondering what happened to his life. Since Spider-Man isn't a horror comic, things had to change, dude!
Well, this ruffled the wrong kind of feathers. Nerd feathers. Fans and critics (fans with blogs) sprung to action, writing hyperbolic diatribe after hyperbolic diatribe calling the storyline "utterly ridiculous" and accusing Marvel of giving the character a "raw deal." Comic fans, who are usually happy to swallow the most ridiculous contrivances in their comics (first and foremost being the idea that grown men would fly around in tights fighting crime) had had enough. This was their character! They had spent years following his adventures! They had a right to see him portrayed the way they wanted to see him portrayed! Marvel, the company that actually owns the character, disagreed. They stuck with the change, canceled all of Spider-Man's mainstream universe titles except for one, and Spidey forged on in a new, unmarried direction. Comic book fans continued to howl and complain across message boards and comic shops the world over. What they didn't do, however, was stop buying Spider-Man comics. The new, bachelor Spider-Man is still Marvel's top character, sells tons of merchandise, and is due for a new film series.
When will uberfans ever learn? With great fandom comes absolutely zero responsibility. Let it go already!