Nobody has ever accused the world's most celebrated adulterer of being the suavest guy in the brothel. He's a little goofy, a tad needy, and not exactly good with the whole "convincing people he's not a scumbag" thing. But as long as he was shooting birdies (or whatever the kids are calling it these days) people were forced to think he was a cool guy...until now.
A series of text messages between the greatest golfer ever to offer a woman $300 million to stay married to him and a reality show reject who remains the only girl to get dumped on a show called Tool Academy were recently released - and they're even funnier than you'd imagine.
Note the poor spelling, awkward use of the word "blasian," Desperate Houswives references, and the way Tiger brings up his father to explain what an honorable guy he is while seducing mistress number six.
July 20, 3:04 p.m.
Tiger Woods : Hey Sexy I can't come out this week. Something came up family wise
Jaimee Grubbs: That's okay I hope everything is fine … would have liked to see you
Tiger: We will make it happen
July 26, 11: 22 p.m.
Jaimee: I drove out for the night to surprise a friend with a present for there birthday
Tiger: what kind of present your naked body
Jaimee: haha no a watch I slept alone
Tiger: alone with him that is
Jaimee: haha I wish
Sept. 27, 6:38 p.m.
Jaimee: miss u
Tiger: now that's hot so who is your new boy toy
Jaimee: no new boy toy … still running dry… been on 2 real dates in the pat 2 months
Tiger: I need you
Jaimee: then get your tight ass over here and visit me! I need u
Tiger: I will wear you out soon
Jaimee: how soon? I got a new piercing
Tiger: really. Where
Jaimee: I just sent u a pic of it … is on my cheek below my eye … implanted a little diamond
Tiger: send it again. I didn't pick up on that
Tiger: you just need some attention from me
Tiger: do you have a boy friend
Jaimee: I don't even have someone I am dating … no … u can be my boyfriend
Tiger: then I am
Jaimee: I wish
Tiger: quiet and secretively we will always be together
Tiger: when was the last time you got laid
Sept. 30, 3:38 p.m.
Jaimee: if we hang out on a Sundway we can watch desperate houswives again haha
Tiger: oh god
Jaimee: take a break from watching boring oldgolf
Jaimee: I mean the amazing sport of golf
Jaimee: [more than an hour later] babe I was kidding
Tiger: I know sexy
Oct. 1, 6:06 p.m.
Jaimee: is it orange county time yet?
Tiger: oh stop
Jaimee: hahaha I know … but you canceled on me last time so the anticipation is killing me … im finding myself watching sports center … haha j/k it isn't that bad
Tiger: its never been that bad
Jaimee: very true … I only watch football
Tiger: Figured you would say that. Big black guys.
Jaimee: u are my first, last and only black guy! U should feel special
Tiger: why do I not believe that?
Tiger: [later, in response to Jaimee's mention of a date who was "full of himself"] you kinda like that for some reason which is weird why you decided on me.
Tiger: having an asian mother and a military father you cannot and will not ever be full of yourself
Jaimee: I have fun with u, you always make me smile and I am not afraid to be myself or say anything to u … the day I met u I thought u were going to kick me out a few times but for someone reason you didn't and u have told me numerous times I talk to much but slowly as I get to know u iI think your absolutely amazing
Tiger: you are wrong I'm bone thugs in harmon
Oct. 15, 6:40 p.m.
Jaimee: Something wrong babe?I was excited to sepnd time with u this week
Tiger: I will you Sunda night. Its the only night in which I am totally free but I have to leave at 530 Monday morning to drive up to the valley for an outing for one of my sponsors. See you at 8 pm on Sunday in newport
Tiger: don't text me back till tomorrow morning. I have to many people around me right now
Oct. 18, 3:40 p.m
Tiger: send me something very naughty
Jaimee: some things are worth waiting for lol … besides im at work
Tiger: go to the bathroom and take it
Jaimee: haha ur too much
Oct. 18, 11:38 p.m.
Jaimee: are u leaving me cause your wife is still in newport I am lonely now … i like falling asleep in your arms
Tiger: sorry baby I just can't sleep. Its just a problem I have.
Tiger: she is not here. They left this morning
Jaimee: well I appreciate you not wanting to wake me up but if y couldn't sleep I would have rather sat up and talked to u more … find out why I keep falling more and more for u
Tiger: Because I'm blasian
Tiger: I'm sorry babe. Im already home.
Jaimee: I'm putting my underwear back on … thats a no no … come take them off
Tiger: you are too funny
Nov. 26, 11:16 a.m.
Tiger: happy thanksgiving to you
Jaimee: u too love
Source: Will West/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images