Freedom Update: Iran Doesn't Like Your Cheerleaders Either

September 2, 2010

Something called the International Basketball Tournament is taking place in a land called “Turkey,” and the Americans have sent a team to reluctantly dominate. The proud – and freedom-hating – nation of Iran has also sent a team to the games. One which comes with some sexually suppressive demands.

What are these demands, you ask?

Well, according to sources close to the event, these included ensuring that cheerleaders in the USA-Iran game (one in which the Americans scraped by with a 37-point victory) be properly covered.

What does “properly covered” entail, you ask?

Well, according to sources who were unable to use the generically-selected pom-pom girls to help speed things up in the bedroom, it meant no exposed legs and baggy t-shirts at all times.

Can basketball even exist without sexually-inviting teenagers (who are probably, but not verifiably of legal age) dancing between plays? Doesn’t that just make it baseball, but with taller athletes?

If we (and I use the collective term without actually being American) are going to share our game with the world, shouldn’t they be forced to accept every single aspect of it without making culturally-sensitive adjustments? I mean, our repeated cries for more scoring in soccer go unheard, so we accept the sport’s unwritten rules and play our fair share of scoreless ties. Why is this different?

Photo: Ronald Martinez/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images

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