Zande Warrior vs. Apache

November 21, 2010

Disclaimer: I don't own Deadliest Warrior; but I wish I did.

Deadliest Warrior, Chapter 14: Zande Warrior vs. Apache

A Zande Tribal Fighter;  ferocious barbarian of Central Africa.
(We see a group of Zandes charging rival tribe). 

The Apache, the fierce, scalp-taking master of death.
(We see an Apache clubbing a settler in the head).

                                             WHO IS DEADLIEST?
To find out, our world class fighters are testing histories most lethal weapons. Using 21st century science, we'll see what happens when the two warriors go toe to toe. No rules. No safety. No mercy. It's a duel to the death, to decide who is....THE DEADLIEST WARRIOR!

Zande Warrior
Year - 1820
Height - 5' 9"
Weight - 170 LBS
Armor - Wicker Shield

Height: 5' 7"
Weight: 140 LBS
Armor: None
Gear: 10 LBS

Narrator:  Here in the Fight Club, we take four weapons used by the tribal Zande fighters:

Botto & Pima

Narrator: And pit them against the tools of the trade of the scalp taking Apaches:

Bow & Arrow

Narrator: We begin our battle with the two warriors blasting at long range: the Zande Kpinga, and the Apache Bow & Arrow.

Fred took the Kpinga, trying to get himself used to such an odd looking weapon. When he was ready, he hurled the weapon toward the dummies. The weapon made a humming sound as it tore through the air, striking the dummy in such a way, that two of the three blades buried up to the hilt.

Dr. Dorian: Well, it certainly seems aerodynamic, and it's killing potential is astounding. I'm curious if the Apache's Bow will be able to out shine it.

And Bob was determined to do just that. He steadied himself, drawing back the bowstring and aiming his arrow. He took a breath . . . and fired! The bow flew through the air, flying twice the length of the Kpinga, and striking his target dummy right in the forehead. Bob, who wanted to drive his skills home, shot two more arrows: one striking the throat, the last hitting the heart.

Dr. Dorian: Okay Bob, you made your point! Put the Bow down! Okay, since the Bow has greater range and accuracy, the long range edge goes to the Bow & Arrow.

Edge: Apache

Narrator: For our next test, the two warriors get closer, with their Mid Range Weapons: The Apache Tomahawk, and the Zande Makrigga.

Bob, still still flying high from his recent success in the Long Range Test, casually picked up his Tomahawk, and strolled toward his dummy. But just has he got within range, his whole demeanor changed. Giving a fearsome war cry, he introduced the indian axe to the back of the dummy's head. This, in turn, released a torrent of skull fragments and brain matter, as the head was demolished.

But Fred looked rather nonplussed, and simply came at his dummy with his Makrigga spear. As he reached it he decided to go ahead and give an imitation of the Zande war cry. It wasn't very impressive, but what did impress the team was what happened next. The hooked spear tore right through the dummy, and when Fred yanked back, the spear brought the intestines with it. What resulted was the slimy insides getting stuck to the Makrigga, with Fred having a somewhat difficult time removing them without making a bigger mess.

Dr. Dorian: Yes, well. The Tomahawk is impressive, when we consider what it can do, despite the materials that make it up. The Makrigga on the other hand, is downright scary. I would hate to have to attempt to heal someone stabbed by this thing. It has a longer reach, the blade is sharper, and the damage all the more lethal. The Mid Range Edge goes to the Makrigga

Edge: Zande

Narrator: For the third test, our warriors clash head to head with their Close Range Weapons: The Zande Makraka and the Apache Knives.

Bob tossed the knife in his hand up and caught it. When he caught it he flicked the Knife at a target shaped like a human, hitting it in the chest. He did the same thing three more times, all in seconds. Taking his last Knife, he rushed a dummy and stabbed it repeatedly. When he was through, he walked away, turned around and tossed the knife through it's skull.

Dr. Dorian: The sheer speed at which these Knives can be used is astounding. That's going to be tuff to beat.

But that wouldn't stop Fred from trying. To demonstrate his Makraka, he had the DW team string up a dummy by it's neck. Then Fred got behind the dummy, lined up his knife, and with a single swing; decapitated the dummy.

Dr. Dorian: Well, that was a pretty clean cut, and the Makraka has a long range. However, the knives have greater versatility, and can be thrown. So, while it's a tough choice, I'm gonna give the close range edge to the Knives.

Edge: Apache

Narrator: For our final test, the two warriors break out their special weapons: The Apache War Club, and the Zande Botto & Pima

Fred carefully dipped the arrows in the poison solution, before aiming at a dummy in Apache clothes. After a couple of shots, (one hitting between the eyes, the other in the throat) something became clear to the DW crew. While the Botto lacked the range of the Apache's bow & arrows, they were just as accurate. The fact that the Apache wore no armor to speak of, and that being hit by one of these arrows was likely to be fatal, also said somethings to them.

Dr. Dorian: Well that's impressive, both the accuracy and the speed at which this poison will kill you, it just seems like the special weapons edge will go ----

Bob: Hey! I haven't had my turn yet!

Bob was annoyed that everyone was already calling this category. He walked up to a skull in a huff, and with single swing, smashed the skull to dust.

Dr. Dorian: Well, Bob, while I will concede that that was an impressive display of strength, my choice is the same. There is no guarantee that a hit from the War Club will kill you. But if you get hit by this poison arrow, you'll die. Special Weapons Edge goes to the Botto & Pima.

Edge: Zande

Narrator: With all the testing complete, Max Geiger uploads the data gathered from the tests into the battle simulation, developed by Slitherine Studio, to simulate a battle to the death between these two warriors. To make sure that victory isn't snatched by a single lucky blow, the battle will be simulated 1000 times. Who will win in this battle of Natives. The Apache, swift master of death from America? Or the Zande, the fierce tribal fighter of Africa?

Close Range Edge: Apache Knives

Mid Range Edge: Zande Makrigga

Long Range Edge: Apache Bow & Arrow

Special Weapon Edge: Zande Botto & Pima

It's time to find out which warrior is truly the deadliest. Max hits the button on the computer, and suddenly the screen goes "Matrix" on us.

This fight takes place in a deeply wooded forest. An Apache was walking through the woods, gathering supplies for his people. Suddenly the air was filled with a strange chanting. Deciding to investigate, the Apache made his way toward the sound. But then all of a sudden it stopped. The Apache peered around a tree . . . only for an arrow from the Botto & Pima to bury itself in the wood, right next to his head. The Apache followed the weapons flight path back to it's owner, and saw a Zande staring back at him.

The Zande reared back his head and screamed "NIM-NIM!" causing birds to take flight from nearby trees in fright. The Apache responded by firing an Arrow of his own at the Zande, only for the Zande to lean out of the way. The Zande fired another poisoned arrow, but the Apache just ducked. Deciding to change tactics, the Zande put his Botto & Pima down and picked up his shield and Kpinga. The Apache stuck with his Bow & Arrows, and fired another shot, only to have it block with his Shield. The Zande threw Kpinga which the Apache did his best to avoid. However, he had misjudged its flight path, and got a nasty cut on his shoulder because of it. That cut made him jerk, throwing off his next shot with his Bow. The arrow flew to high, and merely ruffled the Zande's head plumage. That was when the Zande picked up his Makrigga spear and charged the Apache. The Apache's response was to turn and run back into the woods.

The Apache didn't get far, as he had to roll out of the way of a thrown Makrigga. The Apache rolled over and quickly threw a Knife at the Zande to halt his advance. The Zande tried to block with his shield, but the Knife ended up piercing both the shield, and his arm. Crying out, the Zande threw down his shield, and picked his Makrigga back up. He and the Apache circled each other cautiously.

The Apache, who had taken out his two Tomahawks, made the first move, charging the taller Zande. His first Tomahawk was blocked, as the Zande used his spear as a make-shift shield. The Zande stabbed with his spear, but the Tomahawk deflected slightly, so what should have been a killing blow, was only a painful arm wound. Before the Zande could draw the Makrigga back, the Apache took his second Tomahawk and split the Makrigga in two. The split second of shock the African felt, was enough to allow a the Native American  to score a glancing blow on the Zande's chest. Before he could do more damage, the Zande took what was left of his Makrigga and smashed it across the Apache's face, before brining it down on his shoulder. The Apache fell, back, dropping a Tomahawk form the sheer force of the blow.

Seeing the Apache on the ground, the Zande took out his Makraka. With only one Tomahawk left, the Apache took his War Club from his belt and rose to defend himself. The Zande slashed with his Makraka, with the Apache trying to block with his Tomahawk like he had done with the Makrigga. Unfortunately for the Apache, the Makraka blade sliced his axe handle, and gouged a wound across his chest. The Apache gasped in pain as his War Club smashed into the Zande's opposite arm, breaking it.

The Zande slashed his Makraka again, this time managing to hit the Apache in the arm, drawing blood, before kicking him in the stomach, sending him sprawling to the ground. The Zande quickly leaped at him, planning to end the fight.

The Zande pinned the Apache's club arm, and sent his Makraka on a one way trip to the his face. The Apache managed to catch the arm, but it was still slowly coming down on him. Using the last of his strength, the Apache pushed the arm off course, the Makraka landing just beside his head.

The unexpected move caused the Zande to slip off balance, freeing the Apache's other hand. The Apache quickly lashed out with the War Club, striking the Zande in the chin, before backhanding him in the cheek. To finish it off, he pushed him off his chest with a quick kick to the stomach.

The Zande fell back, taking the Makraka with him. He tried to push himself back up and raise the knife, but the Apache acted first. He took a Knife he had on his belt and tossed it at the Zande's knee. The Knife went up to the hilt, making the Zande fall into a kneeling position. The Apache then took his last Knife, which he had hidden in his boot, and threw it at the wrist holding the Makraka. The Zande cried out as he dropped his weapon. He tried to pick it up, but the Apache had kicked it away. Holding his bleeding wrist, the Zande looked up at the Apache, who was now holding the War Club in both hands. The Apache slowly walked behind the Zande, then, uttering a fierce war cry, slammed the Club into the side of the Zande's head. The force crushes the Zande's skull, sending the dead warrior sprawling across the forest floor.

Looking down at his weapon, the Apache licks the blood from his club, before rearing back and screaming in victory. When he was done, he turns and runs off into the forest, leaving only the Dead Zande behind.

Winner: Apache

Apache: 557

Knives: 240

Bow & Arrow: 160

Tomahawk: 125

Club: 32

Zande: 443

Makrigga: 230

Kpinga: 100

Makraka: 63

Botto & Pima: 50

Narrator: In this battle between some of the strongest Natives their respective countries had to offer, it was the Apache, who managed to slice his way to victory. Even with the Zande's impressive Makrigga and Kpinga, the Apache still managed to triumph with his Knives and Bow & Arrow.

Dr. Dorian: It seems like the Mid Range weapons were the big decider here today. Even though the Makrigga is absurdly lethal, it just lacks the versatility that the Knives do. The can be throw or used in close quarters combat. Combined with the fact that the Tomahawks share this quality, it shouldn't be too surprising that the Apache's managed a win.

We see the Apache back at his village, showing off the Makraka he'd taken as a trophy to his people. The people gather around to here his tale of the strange warrior he'd fought in the forest.

The End.