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The Top 10 Ways to Look Like a Four-Star Worker

by Reverend_Danger   April 13, 2009 at 10:00AM  |  Views: 287

5. Check Your Breathing


Source: Stone/Getty Images

It’s not like you’re doing sit-ups at your desk.  I mean, I do.  I’m jacked as hell, though.  But most people just sit there all day and stare at the glacial ticking of the Windows clock. However, if you purposefully huff and puff people will think you’re breaking a mental sweat.  At least once an hour just let out a gigantic sigh as if you finished the first draft of chapter one of your new novel.  Whew!  Good job, tiger.

4. Camouflage Your Workstation


Source: Loungepark/Stone+/Getty Images

If your desk faces away from your boss’, it’s probably not an outstanding idea to spend all day on Perez Hilton. However, if you are going to questionable sites, you should take a screen shot of your monitor with Excel sheets on it, so when you minimize CuteOverload.com it looks like you’re accounting.  Also, leave a jacket over your chair maybe a third of the time when you leave the office so it looks like you’re still working but just went to grab a coffee. 

3. Calvin and Hobbes it

Source: Sleep Safe Tape

Hey there sleepy beepy, did you maybe tie one too many Pabst Blue Ribbons around the old oak tree last night?  Give anything for a nap right about now, wouldn’t you?  Well you probably will have to give less than you thought.  Just buy yourself some Sleep Safe Tape and pull one over on the ol’ bossman while you catch a snooze.

2. Be Kind of a Skank


Source: altrendo images/Getty Images

Really, what could go wrong if you fool around with a few of your superiors?  Absolute worst case scenario is you get laid off, but don’t kid yourself, that would probably happen anyway.  At least now you can blackmail your superior (try and sleep up the ladder) and maybe get a better severance package or at least a gig somewhere else.  Plus: free sex! 

1. Love What You Do and You Won't Work a Day in Your Life


Source: Philipp Nemenz/Stone/Getty Images

So, by that I mean you should do all the things you like doing while you’re at your job that you hate.  Let’s just say you don’t work at Spike.com and you don’t have NBA Jam and a keg, like, 100 feet to your left.  Maybe you spend your time writing Livejournal entries about how you’re confused about what your cat has been coughing up lately. If you’re in an office and you’re not watching online TV, you’re worth less than nothing.

Just do something to take your mind off how dark the tunnel of your life has become since you had to buy special, eye fatigue-reduction glasses for your crap job.