The 10 Most Dangerous Friends of Your Girlfriend
5. The Flirt-Thrower
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Girls love to flirt because it's the closest they can get to torturing guys without admitting they are really into S&M bondage role-playing. Some have turned it into an Olympic sport. I call it "pole vaulting." They try to see just how far they can push a man's buttons until he teeters over the edge and into the hard, cold ground of complete rejection. They also get bonus points from the notoriously harsh German judge if they can do it right in front of their own girlfriend. Beware this tawdry teaser who flirts openly and vividly with expressions that would make a longshoreman put a couple of quarters in the swear jar. More importantly, beware the cold, piercing stare of your girlfriend who is making a mental scrapbook of every movement and reaction for every part of your body as her flirty friend lets her freak flag fly. I recommend duct tape.
4. The Pious Co-Pilot
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Nobody likes a backseat driver, especially when that person claims every five minutes that their co-pilot is "Jesus Christ." This friend's devout beliefs may not intend to get in your way, but they eventually weave their way into the narrative of whatever the situation may be. Her prohibition-era stance on alcohol makes it hard for you to enjoy the usual number of drinks you enjoy together when she's at her Bible Study group. Her love of wholesome music means you won't get to listen to anything that rocks harder than Dan Fogelberg or Gordon Lightfoot. And don't even get me started on the purity ring thing. Geez, even God rested on the seventh day. Why can't she?
3. The Man Hunter
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Despite popular belief, women do enjoy hunting, just not for "easy" targets like lightning-quick mountain lions or grizzly bears that only eat humans' faces. She isn't hunting Mr. Right. She is on the hunt for Mr. Right-Now, even if their prey is Mr. Right-in-the-Middle-of-Their-Best-Friend's-Relationship. That just gives her more time. When she sees a shot, she takes it...and damn the people who get in her line of estrogen fire! This man-playing friend plays for keeps. And "by keeps" we mean the parts of her prey that she keeps stuffed and mounted over her mantle.
2. The Boot-Knocker Blocker
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Women might seem like strange and mysterious creatures, but they are really just ordinary human beings with the same thoughts, emotions, and feelings that make them unique and interesting…except when it comes to sex. Guys work together to help their friend score, even going so far as to draw up elaborate plans of attack complete with walkie-talkies, camo covers and lengths of Primacord to serve as a "distraction." That might sound like an exaggeration, but it's really understating the situation when you look at the line of defense the ladies put up to defend their friend's honor. The female friend leading the way is the hard-nosed Gen. Georgina S. Patton who throws herself on the Jägerbombs you buy for her and fires back the shots you launch her way. This magnificent bastard has read your book.
1. The Non-Female Friend
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Women have two types of male friends: guys who are waiting for the perfect moment to make their move and guys who are waiting to make that move but are too stupid to know when and how to make it. So why not introduce your girlfriend's only male, platonic, cute friend to one of her other friends? You're not trying to set them up on a date. You're hoping he will realize just how psycho her friends are and he'll bail.