The 10 Most Dangerous Friends of Your Girlfriend

July 30, 2009

It's another Saturday night and you're all ready to take your totally-out-of-your-league girlfriend out for a long night of food, fun, and hopefully some perverted combination of food and fun. You give her a ring to see if she's ready, and she asks if it's okay if one of her friends tags along. Be wary of the following friends who might just be your biggest foe.

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10. The Check Bouncer




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You're all set to take your special girl out for a night on the town that she deserves. She rings you up and asks if you wouldn't mind one of her friends tagging along. "Not at all," you say in your mature boyfriend voice. "I've been wanting to meet your friend." Her friend places an order that would seem excessive by the standards of a death row inmate picking out his last meal and when the check comes, she's either in the ladies room, fumbling through her purse for a credit card or cash that isn't there or pulling the fastest "dine and dash" since Robert Blake. She'll make you and your wallet not only wish you never met her. She'll make you wish you could go back in time and prevent her existence to stop your girlfriend from ever meeting her.


9. The Collector




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Guys and gals love to gossip and if a girlfriend's gabby friend (who may or may not be named Gabby and, if so, enjoy the delicious irony) is willing to spill the beans on some of your girlfriend's loser ex-boyfriends to see how you stack up compared to the guy who runs a bait shop or the dude who may or may not be out of prison either before or after his debt to society has been paid. But while you're getting the goods on all of her past guys, this double agent/"friend" is also collecting information on you for her next boyfriend by feeding off your vulnerabilities and probing you with more intrusive questions than a visit to a chatty proctologist.


8. The Duchess of Dumpedville



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This so-called "friend" is the syphilis of the girlfriend world: they always pop-up when you least expect them and at the most inopportune time. This friend will immediately call your girlfriend as soon as she gets dumped to cry about how she really needs a shoulder to cry on, and completely dumping on your plans in the process. It doesn't matter how inappropriate or personal the situation is between you and your girl when she calls. It could be during a wedding proposal, during a wedding, during your wedding doesn't matter.


7. The Tiny Dancer




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The great comedian Bill Hicks once said, "Real men don't dance. They sit, sweat, and curse." Men still follow this rule today, especially if this friend of their girlfriend has dragged them out for a night on the town. She loves to cut a rug any time, anywhere, any place. It doesn't matter if the bar doesn't have a designated dance floor, other people dancing, or even music. She will use any rhythmic sound or reason to get your girl away from you and on the dance floor. This leaves you in quite the predicament. If you don't get down with your girlfriend and her friend, your evening will be ruined because you'll look like a moody jerk who doesn't want to have the kind of fun that her friends have. If you do try to dance, your evening will be ruined because someone will think you're having an epileptic seizure and call 911.

6. The Designated Drunkard




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Every party has a designated driver, the person who agrees not to get lit so that everyone can get home safe. On the opposite end of the scale sits the designated drunkard, the person who agrees to get completely toasted so that everyone will have a story to tell for the rest of their lives. If this polar opposite party poseur is your girlfriend's friend, plan on doing more than driving her home. She can down twice as much booze as a fraternity during rush week and puke it up twice as fast as the pledges that didn't get in to a house for the semester. This cycle of self-destruction also gives her the innate ability to turn herself into the world's most pathetic human being that can suck pity from every human orifice. So instead of you and your girlfriend going back to your place for a night of clumsy hands and candlelit lovemaking, you'll be saddled with a third wheel who will pass out on the bed you already showered with rose petals for another girl and make you wish you read more newspapers so you would have something to protect your floors other than the newly installed wall-to-wall carpeting.


5. The Flirt-Thrower




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Girls love to flirt because it's the closest they can get to torturing guys without admitting they are really into S&M bondage role-playing. Some have turned it into an Olympic sport. I call it "pole vaulting." They try to see just how far they can push a man's buttons until he teeters over the edge and into the hard, cold ground of complete rejection. They also get bonus points from the notoriously harsh German judge if they can do it right in front of their own girlfriend. Beware this tawdry teaser who flirts openly and vividly with expressions that would make a longshoreman put a couple of quarters in the swear jar. More importantly, beware the cold, piercing stare of your girlfriend who is making a mental scrapbook of every movement and reaction for every part of your body as her flirty friend lets her freak flag fly. I recommend duct tape.


4. The Pious Co-Pilot




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Nobody likes a backseat driver, especially when that person claims every five minutes that their co-pilot is "Jesus Christ." This friend's devout beliefs may not intend to get in your way, but they eventually weave their way into the narrative of whatever the situation may be. Her prohibition-era stance on alcohol makes it hard for you to enjoy the usual number of drinks you enjoy together when she's at her Bible Study group. Her love of wholesome music means you won't get to listen to anything that rocks harder than Dan Fogelberg or Gordon Lightfoot. And don't even get me started on the purity ring thing. Geez, even God rested on the seventh day. Why can't she?


3. The Man Hunter




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Despite popular belief, women do enjoy hunting, just not for "easy" targets like lightning-quick mountain lions or grizzly bears that only eat humans' faces. She isn't hunting Mr. Right. She is on the hunt for Mr. Right-Now, even if their prey is Mr. Right-in-the-Middle-of-Their-Best-Friend's-Relationship. That just gives her more time. When she sees a shot, she takes it...and damn the people who get in her line of estrogen fire! This man-playing friend plays for keeps. And "by keeps" we mean the parts of her prey that she keeps stuffed and mounted over her mantle.


2. The Boot-Knocker Blocker



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Women might seem like strange and mysterious creatures, but they are really just ordinary human beings with the same thoughts, emotions, and feelings that make them unique and interesting…except when it comes to sex. Guys work together to help their friend score, even going so far as to draw up elaborate plans of attack complete with walkie-talkies, camo covers and lengths of Primacord to serve as a "distraction." That might sound like an exaggeration, but it's really understating the situation when you look at the line of defense the ladies put up to defend their friend's honor. The female friend leading the way is the hard-nosed Gen. Georgina S. Patton who throws herself on the Jägerbombs you buy for her and fires back the shots you launch her way. This magnificent bastard has read your book.


1. The Non-Female Friend



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Women have two types of male friends: guys who are waiting for the perfect moment to make their move and guys who are waiting to make that move but are too stupid to know when and how to make it. So why not introduce your girlfriend's only male, platonic, cute friend to one of her other friends? You're not trying to set them up on a date. You're hoping he will realize just how psycho her friends are and he'll bail.