The 10 Most Dangerous Friends of Your Girlfriend
It's another Saturday night and you're all ready to take your totally-out-of-your-league girlfriend out for a long night of food, fun, and hopefully some perverted combination of food and fun. You give her a ring to see if she's ready, and she asks if it's okay if one of her friends tags along. Be wary of the following friends who might just be your biggest foe.
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10. The Check Bouncer
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You're all set to take your special girl out for a night on the town that she deserves. She rings you up and asks if you wouldn't mind one of her friends tagging along. "Not at all," you say in your mature boyfriend voice. "I've been wanting to meet your friend." Her friend places an order that would seem excessive by the standards of a death row inmate picking out his last meal and when the check comes, she's either in the ladies room, fumbling through her purse for a credit card or cash that isn't there or pulling the fastest "dine and dash" since Robert Blake. She'll make you and your wallet not only wish you never met her. She'll make you wish you could go back in time and prevent her existence to stop your girlfriend from ever meeting her.
9. The Collector
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Guys and gals love to gossip and if a girlfriend's gabby friend (who may or may not be named Gabby and, if so, enjoy the delicious irony) is willing to spill the beans on some of your girlfriend's loser ex-boyfriends to see how you stack up compared to the guy who runs a bait shop or the dude who may or may not be out of prison either before or after his debt to society has been paid. But while you're getting the goods on all of her past guys, this double agent/"friend" is also collecting information on you for her next boyfriend by feeding off your vulnerabilities and probing you with more intrusive questions than a visit to a chatty proctologist.
8. The Duchess of Dumpedville
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This so-called "friend" is the syphilis of the girlfriend world: they always pop-up when you least expect them and at the most inopportune time. This friend will immediately call your girlfriend as soon as she gets dumped to cry about how she really needs a shoulder to cry on, and completely dumping on your plans in the process. It doesn't matter how inappropriate or personal the situation is between you and your girl when she calls. It could be during a wedding proposal, during a wedding, during your wedding night...it doesn't matter.
7. The Tiny Dancer
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The great comedian Bill Hicks once said, "Real men don't dance. They sit, sweat, and curse." Men still follow this rule today, especially if this friend of their girlfriend has dragged them out for a night on the town. She loves to cut a rug any time, anywhere, any place. It doesn't matter if the bar doesn't have a designated dance floor, other people dancing, or even music. She will use any rhythmic sound or reason to get your girl away from you and on the dance floor. This leaves you in quite the predicament. If you don't get down with your girlfriend and her friend, your evening will be ruined because you'll look like a moody jerk who doesn't want to have the kind of fun that her friends have. If you do try to dance, your evening will be ruined because someone will think you're having an epileptic seizure and call 911.
6. The Designated Drunkard
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Every party has a designated driver, the person who agrees not to get lit so that everyone can get home safe. On the opposite end of the scale sits the designated drunkard, the person who agrees to get completely toasted so that everyone will have a story to tell for the rest of their lives. If this polar opposite party poseur is your girlfriend's friend, plan on doing more than driving her home. She can down twice as much booze as a fraternity during rush week and puke it up twice as fast as the pledges that didn't get in to a house for the semester. This cycle of self-destruction also gives her the innate ability to turn herself into the world's most pathetic human being that can suck pity from every human orifice. So instead of you and your girlfriend going back to your place for a night of clumsy hands and candlelit lovemaking, you'll be saddled with a third wheel who will pass out on the bed you already showered with rose petals for another girl and make you wish you read more newspapers so you would have something to protect your floors other than the newly installed wall-to-wall carpeting.